Learning how blessed I am

[cariboo]

I found a couple blisters on Christmas morning. I knew instantly what it was. I didnt go to a dr until New Years Eve and he swabbed it. The culture came back positive for HSV2. I was devastated. My marriage was already in trouble and I was dealing with other issues as well. I didnt tell anyone for a while. I was so ashamed and felt like life was once again kicking me. All I could think was that I'mm 44 yrs old that can't get my shit together, one failed marriage and thinking I am headed for another. On top of it all I find out I have Herpes and no idea how or where I got it. I couldnt turn to my best friends because two years ago one of my dearest friend died of cancer, and last summer my other close friend just died. She had a few drinks and then went to bed. She never woke up. I have other friends of course but those two I had known for 30 years. I was still dealing with the death of my Dad. He caught pneumonia and died. Luckily I was able to fly out to see him before he passed.

During this time I was riding my horse a lot. It was my zen and I felt better on her back out on the trail or in the show ring.

One day I was out riding with a friend and the trail gave away under us. I was in front and didnt think it was bad enough not to ride through. My beautiful mare died that day. Broke my heart.

 

 

Another close friend I have noticed me withdrawing and saw my sadness and took me out for lunch. Then asked me what was wrong. I ended up in tears and told her everything. She wasnt horrified or repulsed like I thought she would be. She said she knows quite a few people with it. I then told my other close friend. She has made it one of her purposes to get very educated about it. We talk a lot about it. She is a nurse but knew next to nothing about this virus. She comes with me to the vitamin store everytime I go and is very supportive of my efforts to manage this with diet if I can.

 

I have had 2 outbreaks, my initial one and one other. I can feel another coming even though Ive been on daily suppressants. Im not sure what is causing it or if it is just happening. Ive been very careful with diet. However, I have a weakness for yogurt covered cranberries and ate a whole bag of them, I also had a chocolate bar a few days ago. Who knows, but Im feeling like its ok, Ive been through it. Don't much like it but it will pass and I know I'll be fine. My two friends are a big part of my attitude change I think. They are amazing.

I got a tattoo on Friday. It is an angel wing as a memorial for my Dad and my two friends Ive lost. It is also a memorial for who I was. As I was laying there getting the tattoo feeling the needle, I felt some closure for my lost friends and my Dad, and am getting closer to feeling that my horse riding accident wasnt my fault, it was just a bad accident.

 

I still havent ridden since and honestly feel no desire to. I started hiking after my horse died. I lost 30 pounds and went from a size 12/14 to a size 5/6. I felt great and began yoga and an abs class. The Herpes diagnoses really knocked me on my ass. But Im picking myself up. Im still not sure about my marriage, but we are working on it. And if the marriage fails I know I'll be alright. Im not near 100% emotionally, but I do feel like Im definitely in a better place than I was.

 

This forum is an amazing place. I read your stories and experiences numerous times a day. Thank you all for being so supportive and non judgemental.

 

 

[MMissouri]

I'm so very sorry for all the losses you've been dealing with lately. That being said, It looks as though you are getting closure and healing. Such a good thing. I truly believe that every bad experience makes us that much stronger. And your post supports that. I hope that you are able to work things out in your marriage. If not, well, you tried. That is something to be proud of. I agree about the forum being a great place, with amazing people, and you are one of those!

 

 

[WCSDancer2010]

@cariboo

 

Awwwww... I just want to come over there and (((HUG))) the daylights out of you. Hug you for all the losses you have dealt with (and you know that's why you had your first OB ... all that pain had to come out SOMEHOW), and hug you because I'm so proud of how well you have done with growing from this and becoming stronger and wiser and healthier.

 

If your marriage was going to have any hope of being salvaged, perhaps this is what was needed to help YOU to grow so you could face what you needed to about yourself and the union. (Hopefully your husband has been growing through this as well!) And likely watching you go through all those losses was very difficult for him ... especially if you were already having problems... men don't always know how to handle things when a woman has suffered an emotional blow ... and you had so many. So you guys had a LOT of challenges put in front of you at a time when you were already struggling ... AND the good news is you made it through all of that. So I wish you luck in your marriage ... that you both come to a place where whatever the outcome, you are able to stay or part and know that sometimes things pull us together and sometimes they break us apart and that's just life.

 

I know there are many out there who will be able to relate.... so for them, thank you for sharing your journey with us.

 

(((HUGS)))

[cariboo]

When I got the diagnosis I truly just wanted to die, and was feeling pretty sorry for myself. But Im finally starting to be able to smile again and see all the good things I have in life and not the negativity. I try hard to be "half full" instead of "half empty". The past few years have been a challenge...lolol. Reading all your stories have definitely helped me a lot.