There's still love after being diagnosed with herpes

[CaliLuv143]

I wanted to share my story for those who may be feeling defeated and or depressed with being diagnosed with H. On January 13th I was diagnosed with HSV2. I was dating a guy for about 5 weeks when we both decided to stop using condoms and just rely on me taking the pill as a form of birth control. We had the safe sex talk and had both been previously tested for STI's with negative results. After about 3 weeks of having "unprotected" sex, I discovered a really painful sore on the outside of my vag. I went in immediately the following morning to get tested for H... as I had a sick feeling in my gut that I had contracted the virus after doing some research online. Sure enough, my gyno could tell just by looking at my sores that I had H. The initial feelings that came over me was shock and sadness. I balled my eyes out in that little room & didn't know how I was going to walk out of there without anyone noticing something devastating just happened to me. I called the guy I was dating and told him. He came over that night to comfort me but he just made me feel worse. He didn't bother to ask questions about how I was feeling or how he felt and didn't touch or kiss me. I found out by doing some research that clinics don't test for H unless specifically specified so I felt I most likely got it from him. We continued to date for about 2 more weeks but I just didn't feel the same as we both became more distant from each other. I became seriously depressed and didn't know how I was going to come out of this feeling. I have always been generally happy and healthy with a positive outlook on life, but this was something that was going to take more than a gym session and a pep-talk to get through. At 34 I have decided that I was ready to settle down and the ideal of having children was something I was looking forward to. But I felt that finding real love was something that just wasn't going to happen now that I had HSV2.

 

A girlfriend I work with kept trying to introduce me to her boyfriends best friend saying that she felt we would hit it off. I didn't tell her about my situation and just said I wasn't interested in dating anyone. She ended up giving this guy my number & he was very persistent on him taking me out. I humored him and we went to dinner. I explained to him I wasn't looking for a "hook-up" & liked to take my relationships super slow in order to see if there was a real connection. He liked the idea and was willing to see where things went with us. We continued to date for about 3 weeks. Our chemistry was crazy and we had many things in common. It was becoming more and more difficult to just make-out & not take things further. He planned a beach getaway for us & I knew it was time to have "THE TALK". I went to his house one evening & before anything I made him sit down & told him everything. I was crying of course & his reaction was shock. He didn't really have any words but told me how sorry he was that I had to go through this. He hugged me for a long time & kissed me goodnight. I told him to take as long as he needed to figure out if he wanted to move forward with our relationship. Two days later I received a text from him stating that I was an amazing woman but that he just couldn't get past it. I asked him why he felt texting me was ok & he responded, "I don't have the balls to look you in the eyes and tell you I don't want to be with you. This doesn't feel right and I can barely text this to you. I feel really sick to my stomach by the thought of not seeing you again". I explained that I respected his choice and wished him the best. The next week was really hard. I had grown serious feelings for this man & felt as though I was mourning his death. I laid in bed for about three days crying and screaming off and on before I had to actually get my shit together. I stayed as busy as possible going to the gym and staying busy with work stuff.

 

The following Monday I broke & sent him a text that read, "I miss you so much, this is really hard." He immediately responded back with, "I have been typing & deleting that exact message to you all week. I haven't felt this sad since my divorce." He asked if I'd be willing to meet up with him and talk so I agreed. We spent a day together talking about how sad we were and how much we missed each other. The day turned into night and he asked if I would come over to his house to watch a movie with him. I agreed. When we got to his house he grabbed me & sat me on is lap & just held me. He told me that he felt like such an asshole & that he had been reading on H and had talked to his sister, who's best friend has H, & she explained to him that you can still be in a healthy relationship with someone regardless if they have HSV2 or not. He told me that when you care about someone it shouldn't really matter, that people experience partners with cancer or other disabilities and losing of limbs but its doesn't change the character of that person or how you feel about them. He said that he hasn't felt the way he feels about me in a long time & that he would be stupid to let me go because of a stupid virus. Then he looked at me and said, "I don't give a fuck if I get it from you, I just want to be with you & I think we should give this a shot. I want to be your boyfriend." I was in complete shock & obviously extremely happy. We decided to commit to one another and have consummated our feelings over & over. I take suppressive therapy so we don't use condoms & its hasn't been an issue with us.

 

The point I want to make is that its doesn't matter what our flaws are. When you meet the right person, it just works regardless of anything else. Don't give up on your happiness but take care of yourself first. Know who you are & what you deserve & NEVER SETTLE FOR LESS! I promise you it will work out! I met the most amazing man & couldn't be happier. I forget I have HSV2 & I have only had it for 7 weeks!

 

[vanessayee]

This is the same as me! Both got tested and had a safety talk but was unlucky and didn't know they don't test for it!!! He was asymptomatic, how was I suppose to know!?

[CaliLuv143]

The guy who gave it to me was asymptomatic too. I have come to realize that anyone who has sex, regardless of condom use can catch it. People just aren't educated enough about it.

[fitgirl]

@CaliLuv143

You are right, anyone can give it and anyone can get it. Most people don't know they have it and most people don't know that HSV is not part of the typical screening. In Canada they don't test for it generally at all (even if you request it). Just know.... yes, you may have herpes but nothing else has changed. Life will be everything you want it to be, marriage, kids, a picket fence if you want! Herpes is a pain the ass at times but it doesn't define you, nor will it limit you. It will just redirect your approach to love. Love yourself first. Once you do that, Mr. Right will be just around the corner. I have had H for over 15 years and I have had a fantastically full and sexual life. I love deeper now than ever before. Herpes did me a favor, it forced me to focus on what really matters. This is just a hiccup in your life plan, the more you learn the more you will get comfortable with the virus and as time goes on it gets way easier :)

[WCSDancer2010]

@CaliLuv143

 

Thank you so much for sharing your story ... I think it's especially important for people to see how your BF initially ran scared and how he realized that he was soooo into YOU that a little virus wasn't going to stop him from being with you.

 

Just to verify... you were diagnosed by swab? Or visual? because if it was visual, you may actually have HSV1 .... and it's useful to know for sure which one you have because most people already have H1 orally which gives them some protection from it ... you didn't mention anything beyond the Dr "looking" and telling you you have Herpes ... so I wanted to point that out.....

 

Glad that you managed to have this experience so soon ... so many people go into a hole and won't come out for months or years ... and likely miss out on many possible opportunities for love :(

 

(((HUGS)))

[CaliLuv143]

I had the swab test but she knew by looking at it too. I got that awesome little letter in the mail explaining what I had for verification.

Having HSV2 can have a silver lining... for me it forced me to go slow and really build on an emotional connection with my boyfriend instead of rushing into sex. I had to really get to know his character to make sure he was somebody I could open up to about what I was experiencing. Its like a built in filter that can help you weed out who's worth your time and who's worth investing feelings in. I know how scary it was for him to first hear that about me but it was because he didn't know anything about it. Just the negative stigma society puts on it. Him taking the time to educate himself and talk to his sister about it really made the difference and opened his eyes to how easy it is to get but how it can also be managed. He told me that it could have easily been him telling me. That it really is about chance. Being vulnerable and honest with him was the most terrifying thing I have yet to go through. I thought I was going to pass out before I told him, I could barely breathe. But now we have this connection that is unlike anything I have ever felt with anyone. & I was engaged before! I know that no matter what happens... I'll be ok.

[WCSDancer2010]

Ok - just wanted to verify because we have people on here who were visually diagnosed and ANY Dr who knows their Herpes stuff will tell you that you can't diagnose it visually... there *are* some things that mimic it... and you certainly can't tell HSV1 from HSV2 ;)

 

Having HSV2 can have a silver lining... for me it forced me to go slow and really build on an emotional connection with my boyfriend instead of rushing into sex. I had to really get to know his character to make sure he was somebody I could open up to about what I was experiencing. Its like a built in filter that can help you weed out who's worth your time and who's worth investing feelings in.

 

I call this the Wingman effect of Herpes ... and I see how Herpes helps people to get those people (not just BF/GF/Lovers ... but people in general) out of their lives who are toxic/users/jerks because anyone who truly loves and cares about you will get educated and will realize that you are no different, and just as special as you have always been. And sure, even a "good" man may walk if they are the kind to be on the "hypochondriac" end of the spectrum or if they are very concerned about their physical body/scarring/whatever ... but that just means you were not a good match ... it says nothing about YOU and who YOU are ... ;)

 

That, and being forced to be vulnerable creates something with a H+/H- union that many H- couples never ever achieve ... a level of trust and empathy and caring that comes when you know that you can be 100% YOU with your partner and they will still love you. And THAT is a beautiful thing :)

 

Brene Brown on Vulnerability