Hello Everyone!

[Herpetologist]

Introduction

 

Hello all,

 

I just joined the forums, so I thought that I'd introduce myself and my story, fwiw.

 

About me:

I'm a 33 year old dad just going through a dissolution. I've had HSV1 since I was 16 ( I caught it the very time that I lost my virginity, kid you not....somewhere, my middle school sex ed teacher is still laughing). After years of writhing in a self-created misery, I came to grips with my lifelong friend H, I began to enter the dating world, first in the H+ community.....

And after dating for a few years, met my (soon to be ex) wife. She had HSV2, and as soon as it became apparent that it was "for real" we stopped taking precautions, I got H2, we got engaged, and had a son (in that order, lol).

Flash forward 4 years - our marriage fell apart (long story, but at the end of the day, my in-laws tell me that I'm still a family member and my son lives with me 80% of the time) and I'm wanting to get back into the dating world when the time is right....but I don't want to limit myself to the H+ population or to H+ dating....but I'm terrified of "The Talk" and disclosure to potential partners....So I found my way here, and I'm happy to have found this place.

So, anyways, I look forward to both finding and providing some support here.

[WCSDancer2010]

@Herpetologist

 

Hello and Welcome!

 

Well, I'm 53 and I got it at 17 with my first sexual experience too ... so you are not alone there by any means :)

 

For the moment I'd suggest that you hang here and read all the Success Stories that you can ... we have tons of discordant couples successes there. And know that Herpes makes a great Wingman in that you will see who the person REALLY is by their reaction when you disclose ... and that reaction is all about THEM and has NOTHING to do with you... :)

 

And BTW, I'm totally out, I have my status on ALL my online dating profiles and it hasn't stopped guys from contacting me :)

 

Check these links out as well as the Success Stories section ... and come here as much as you need for support and connection :)

 

(((HUGS)))

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/dating-online-my-personal-experience-with-being-out-and-proud/

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/using-herpes-as-your-wingman/

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/5897/my-first-disclosure-story#latest Wingman example

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3309/successful-herpes-disclosure-but-not-for-the-reasons-you-might-think (Herpes Wingman example Mazedaze818 )

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/6347/my-disclosure-story 2 very different reactions … but both are “successful” in their own ways :)

 

 

Herpes as a relationship filter Adrial

 

 

 

[fitgirl]

@earthquake_grl good call! Totally not a post in keeping with the vein of this forum

@herpetologist I am a 42yr old mom and found myself back in the dating scene at 38. You don't need to date H+ women unless you happen to find one! So many of us have faced our fears of disclosure and had exceptionally good relationships with H- people. The disclosures are hard but they build character and they allow us to dig deep and figure out what matters most to us. There are so many people in the world that won't judge and will love unconditionally...Herpes or not.

There may be bumps along the way (pardon the pun) but...... some of the most connected relationships come from being vulnerable and taking risks. You did it once already and even though it didn't work long term, you have a beautiful child and the rest of your life ahead of you.... jump in ;)

[fitgirl]

@adrial can you check on the above post....

 

[Herpetologist]

Thank you for the wonderful responses everyone! (Well, except for the spammer,lol)

I'm happy to be here!

 

I've found myself much more willing to "come out" now with people that I know recently....all of my friends now know, and of course, about 25% of them are like "dude, me too!" with somewhat relieved looks on their faces. Same with the therapist I've been seeing since the marriage went south, lol. It was a watershed moment.

 

It really seems like "owning" the disease gives you the power back over it. I'm not talking about walking around shouting "Herpes and Proud!" Lol, but simply acknowledging it if it comes up.

 

Now, I need to get over the "hump" and man up to the task of potentially disclosing to partners (if one ever shows up...the sting of the divorce/dissolution is still strong, and it'll be a while before I feel romantically functional). I can't imagine caring about someone and not disclosing - but I am petrified of the vulnerability that brings. Hopefully, once I "lose my disclosure virginity" it'll get less awkward and I get better at it!

[PositivelyBeautiful]

Hey @herpetologist, welcome aboard! Everyone is different. Some people are more comfortable using H+ dating sites as it can help ease the transition into the dating world after diagnosis, but I never wanted to limit my options. I dated on normal sites and took my time with the physical side of things... I've found herpes to be a gift in that sense; it forced me to slow down and really get to know the people I was engaging with before getting all caught up in the hormones. In many instances, that extra time gave me insight into who those guys really were and the relationship ended for various reasons before I even had to disclose. I reserve disclosures for those that I feel are worthy of my heart and my body, and only time gives your insight into that anyways. My first real disclosure with an H- person went really well, and we are now happily dating. The level of vulnerability that we have to share so early on, is a positive as well. Yes, it's scary to face rejection, but the courage and kindness that is shared in a disclosure, whether that person chooses to take the risk or not, is something to be proud of... we are acting in their best interest and that's highly commendable. And if someone responds badly or chooses to walk away, then that's a choice they have and ultimately their reaction or decision has nothing to do with you. Be brave, and yes, every 'talk' will likely get easier. Happy dating!

[Herpetologist]

Thank you PB! I'm glad to hear that you are happy with your partner! I think that it's empowering to read others' success stories!

[Cars85]

Welcome! Iʻve been diagnosed for about a year and half, dated one person who also had HSV2 for a couple of months then decided I didnʻt want to limit myself to that community as well (Iʻve found, at least in my area, H+ men tend to not be very confident and still view herpes as something to be shameful about.. which is fine, but Iʻm looking for someone who has accepted their diagnoses and is a bit more confident / further along in their process) -- then started dating in the "regular" dating pool about a year after my diagnoses.

 

Since then Iʻve disclosed twice, sadly been ~rejected~ twice as well too, and ironically enough the second rejection was from someone who has HSV1! lol With that said, the best analogy I can give is like jumping off a cliff into some water. The first time can be petrifying -- and taking the initial step off the ledge may be one of the most difficult / scary things you could do; but after taking the leap, successfully landing in the water, and resurfacing -- each following jump, while still scary, getʻs a little bit easier. :)

 

I wish my disclosures had happy endings, of course, but herpes really can serve as a wing person and help separate the wheat from the chaff. Additionally, both men thought long and hard about their decisions and both expressed extreme sadness when ending our relationship. So their responses, while not what I hoped for, were also still very positive in validating other aspects about myself, in particular my personality. :)

 

I guess the easiest, yet hardest thing, to do is not take it personally and realize that if you do get rejected it has nothing to do with you -- a lot of it has to do with the feelings that herpes stirs up in the other person (theyʻre not rejecting you, they are rejecting herpes!). Or, even better, you can be accepted after your disclosure and feel even closer to your partner for being able to be open and vulnerable -- and setting up a very strong foundation for a healthy relationship. :)

 

With that said, best of luck and welcome!

[WCSDancer2010]

@earthquake_grl

 

I took care of the post - thanks ...

 

@Herpetologist

 

Here's a great video on Vulnerability that may help when you are ready to lose your "disclosure virginity" :)