Your feelings if you contracted HSV from a HSV+ person who honestly didn't know they had herpes?

[StillMeButWiser]

Please help me understand your thoughts of contracting herpes from a person who didn't know they had it. I had my first outbreak in jan and the blood test was a def positive hsv2. Basically saying I had it at least 6 months. When I told the guy I was seeing of 4 years, he immediately accused me I gave it to him, cheating, etc and stopped all contact with me. I honestly didn't know I had it, apologized, and never accused him as I didn't want to play the blaming game. Left me very hurt. (Yet he didn't go to get tested, says a lot. But that's another discussion). In a better place now, I'm trying to understand his side. What possible thoughts and emotions he had.

[WCSDancer2010]

Well, fear makes people act like asshats. So does guilt. So either way I'd say his reaction was one of fear caused by ignorance.... but once he got over the initial shock, he owed you an apology and if you didn't get one, it says a lot about his lack of compassion and integrity.

 

For one thing, if you saw him for 4 years before your first OB, there's a 50/50 chance YOU got it from him if you are both H+... and as he won't get tested, well, again that says a LOT about HIM.

 

Sure, it's easy to jump to conclusions when someone tells you they may have unwittingly exposed you to the virus... but it doesn't take a genius much to find info online to back up the fact that 80% of people don't know they have the virus so that you would then understand that it's very likely the person didn't know. So if he wasn't willing to get properly educated, it goes to show he's rather be "right" than be "happy" ... he'd rather think YOU gave it to him (if he has it) than to believe he *may* have given it to you. And honestly, who would want to be with an asshat like that ;)

 

(((HUGS))) chica ... hope you are well ...

[StillMeButWiser]

Hi @wcsdancer2010, you are right about him. Took me a few months to get it. Wow, wanting to be right over happy, kinda sad if you think about it. That type of person most likely will end up alone.

 

I would like to know thoughts as if the shoe was on the other foot. Someone contracted the virus from someone who honestly didn't know they had it. And how the newly contracted person felt. Did they feel betrayed, understanding, etc. I have a hard time trying to imagine what the person would feel. Thought knowing this would give me some insight for future relationships, etc.

[chikitta13]

I contracted hsv from someone who was unaware of his status. I accepted responsibility for my roll. We talked about safety and STIs but more generally. Given what I already knew about STIs, I would have pushed for more comprehensive testing on his end had I really understood the extent of his STI screening. So I accept responsibility for not having a better conversation.

 

I do sometimes get irritated that he wasn't more aware of his body. After I had my first ob and received my test results he went to his doctor. She found a small paper cut lesion on him using a black light. She noted that she would be really surprised if this was his first outbreak. Which makes me wonder if he didn't ignore prior symptoms. I also has some irritation with his attitude post diagnosis. Despite my negative blood test and his positive blood test, he insinuated several times that I was the one who transmitted to him. Because be never had any problems before. And neither did any prior partner. His general attitude about things indicated a lack of knowledge or desire to really learn about it. And that really upset me. Enough that we don't really talk anymore.

 

In short, I was understanding about the transmission. But not the desire to place blame elsewhere.

[StillMeButWiser]

@chikitta13 I wouldn't be surprised if many people ignore or simply don't realize it's an outbreak. With razor bumps, paper cut sores or the tiniest lithe bump can be overlooked or assume it's something else. Let's face it know one wants to know they have herpes/problem.

 

Sounds like you def got it from him. I been reading lot of stories men don't want to be held accountable. As dancer said rather be right than happy. Making my guy no exemption even with his hsv1 orally.

 

You seem very reasonable and caring, better is yet to come.

 

I honestly didn't know and strongly feel the stress of my mom passing and getting a coconssion compromised my immune system thus herpes coming to the surface. Awful timing. At the same time, I feel sex is adult act with responsibility and risks. Him and I had unprotected sex for 4 years, things can happen. Example, my son came home from camp with ringworm on face. Somehow I got it on my scalp. I also could've passed that onto my guy thru hugging, laying on pillow, etc. luckily I didn't.

 

[Mani9783]

I stopped talking to my giver which Is my ex gf. I made the decision to cut her out of my life completely when she mentioned to me suddenly that she remembered months after I was diagnosed that she had a cold sore inside of her mouth when she gave me oral sex. This made me furious knowing that she could of told me this since the beginning, but decided to wait 3 months to tell me this. She probably thought it was better to wait and tell me since I had already accepted the fact I had Hsv1. Well, who knows if she knew she had oral herpes, but ever since she told me that I got more upset than when I initially found out I was positive for gsvh1. Honestly, I wasn't even mad and forgave her because I thought she didn't know she had it. However, the fact she waited months to tell me is what pissed me off. It seems she knew all along she was the one who gave it to me, and couldn't tell me when it had just happened. Of course it was weeks full of stress, anxiety and wasting money on all types of testing.

 

I even called two ex gfs of mine and told them to get tested. I just don't buy it after all the information I gave to her about the virus and right there and then she could of told me she had something going on in her mouth, but out of the blue she remembered lol. I just don't buy it.

She messages me everyday trying to talk to me but I just ignore her. It might not sound it is right, but the truth is if she would of said something from the beginning prior to getting oral sex then I wouldn't be here right now. I am with a new gf and I told her everything that happened. She accepts me for who I am and not because I got ghsv1. In a way I feel bad for my ex gf because as bad as it sounds I just don't see her getting with anyone since she is already a liar and a problematic person. I should of been forgiving but I found out she cheated on me several times with different men.

 

I am always trying to be positive but in the back of my mind I know I have it. Personally I believe its just a matter of time for a vaccine or a more effective approach to cut down sheding transmission to come out to the public. I wouldn't mind taking antivirals until they come out with something good. I know the silent treatment might sound awful but I believe she deserves it for being shady and dishonest.

[WCSDancer2010]

@Mani9783

 

Cold Hard Fact. She likely didn't tell you she had oral herpes before you got it because likely she didn't know she could pass it to you that way... or at all. Period. *MOST* people are very ignorant about this fact. Until about 10 or so years ago we were told that HSV1 stayed in the oral region and HSV2 stayed in the genital region.... And kids are not properly educated about Herpes in any of the Sex Ed classes.

 

Now the cheating is a different thing.... and that's not cool..... but odds are she had oral HSV1 from the time she was young ... 60% of people have HSV1 orally by the time they are young adults. And the sore on the inside of the mouth actually was likely a Canker sore which isn't Herpes tho they often pop up when stressed so they often come out at the same time.

 

So, yes, be upset about the cheating ... but DO realize that she may well have just plain been ignorant about the facts around herpes... like 80% or more of the population :(

[2Legit2Quit]

I ageee w what @StillMeButWiser said. I have a H+ friend and initially her current bf, felt that heroes was a deal breaker and they just continued in for 3 months just as friends, until one day, he said she was worth the risk.. So she has him go get tested and he comes back positive for HSV 2. Mind you, he ends up saying he had rashes sometimes, but thought it was a heat rash. Her and I both agree, itsrmore like denial. He didn't want it to change his sex life, as apparently he got around.