Just found out... .. .

[ano1107]

So my name is Andy. First off I guess I'll start off with I am a 26 year old Iraq Combat Veteran. I suffer from pretty severe anxiety disorder, ptsd, and agoraphobia (fear of basically going outside and associating with people). Over the past three yearsdoctors have come up with a daily cocktail of high doses of klonopin, gabapentin, and a few other medications I typically don't take except sometimes to sleep. I finally felt normal and have been extremely successful in my work life. I had a pretty bad breakup a little over a year ago, which made me decide to move to a tiny country town with little to no drama instead of my city life. Anyways, I went 12 months alone with work and netflix, until this past weekend I kinda broke loose. When I was younger and living in Hawaii, basically my while life until this past year I had been very sexually active and never used protection. I never had a scare or anything remotely close. My mom was a nurse so I started getting tested at 14 monthly and my parents were swingers so sex was nothing foreign to me especially at a young age.

I'm sorry I know this is dragging on. So this past week I knew something wasnt right. I went to work yesterday and fept like I need to go to the hospital. I had some rough sex for about 2 hours :/ so I assumed it was just bruised but the small crack in the skin made me a little worried but not as much as the pain. I have never had pain like this. So I told work I had to go and fogured it was just an infection since I wasnt being nearly as active as I had ever been my whole life. It was so awkward going into the hospital for the first time and telling them why I was there. It was the quickest and worst visit to the hospital of my life. Awaiting some samples being taken and a few tests.. no... the Dr. came in took one look and same onr word ill never forget in his saddened tone.. .. yepp... .. .. . I say yep what? I was still fighting it... and all I heard was.. you have herpes. I layed back covered my face with my arms and bawled my eyes out. I could hear him talking but all I heard was just a humming noise. He walked out the room. I was covered in tears and saw a box of tissue. I went to reach for it and immediately became mortified. My slight ocd came in and I thought if he see's me touching the box will he just throw it away. I got my papers n ran to my car. I called my mom took out my sorrow and anger on her... I then apologized when she started bawling too. So im trying to accept it and not skip down to the rest of my sex life being... idk... if there is any

I got on here and read many first times, most being females and watched some videos dance had replied and posted for them. It helped. Today is the first full day knowing abd adding the 5 pills a day to my cocktail. I plan on telling just my brother later today too. When I was younger I always told myself if I ever got herpes or hiv something I couldnt get rid of i'd just.. be gone... but being more mature and knowing that was an immature thought now im just at a painful confused depressed place. Im not asking why me. I am.. but in reality im not. Im accepting. But it just makes me feel like.. I dont even want to have a penis at this point. I feel dirty and ocd I wash my hadd constantly I worry about touching or adjusting myself through layers of clothes... idk.... idk what to do. I'd of given everything I had in the world to not have this. Which im sure everyone feels. Idk im just at a loss for words. Thanks for letting me share.

-Andy

 

[Anna01]

Hey Andy :)

First let me say I am so proud of you for handling this like a man. You had symptoms and instead of hiding from it, you went to the doctor and found out the TRUTH! Bravo. Honestly, that takes courage. You served in the military so I am sure courage is second nature to you right ;-) Thank you for you service to our country! I am sorry about the emotional and mental strain it has caused you. That breaks my heart.

 

Regarding H, the feelings you are feeling are extremely normal when you first find out. We all go through it. The reality is, when ANYONE has sex, they are at risk. Most H+ people are asymptomatic so they have no clue they are carrying this. You are FAR from alone my friend. The difference between us and them is our luck went on break. I recently found out I am positive for HSV1 and HSV2 a couple of weeks ago. My ex forgot to mention he had it for 15 years! I mean he completely hid it from me our entire relationship until the night I broke up with him. I would say my luck checked out for several months haha. I know it hurts and can be a bit scary. Try to accept and realize it really could be much worse.

 

This is a skin condition. Healthwise, not so bad right? You can still live your life to the fullest but you just need to be more responsible. I mean we both are 26 so naturally the path to maturity comes with the territory right :) You are the same man you were before. Hopefully this will just make you a little wiser; a little more patient. This is not the end of the world...this is the beginning! Embrace the change. It is a roller coaster...trust me...I am RIGHT THERE with you but we can handle it. You are a strong guy. Trust in that. Your sex life isn't over. Your love life isn't over. The right woman can handle a skin rash ;-) Keep it up. I for one think you are handling it well thus far.

[ano1107]

Thank you Anna.. I cant explain how much your words have helped the past two days.. I can go a few hours feeling normal now and I know that will grow. I want to write a longer reply because your message was so sweet and comforting but I had some random question thats probably dumb.. but can it spread to your like eyes? Or mouth? I mean I know a little about mouth which I dont have, but I dont see me doctor for another week and some Internet research which has been contradictory at times. Anna I cant explain how much your message meant to me. I see 19 views and felt how I feel when im in public.. stared at like everyone knows.. where everyone on here does know but its just reversed. Thank you again todays day 3 and I've told my brother and he was understanding and asking questions which some I knew from research and others im still learning. Im feeling better and hoping to return to work soon. I have been praying and its helped. I'm hoping God turns what I feel as a curse into a blessing in my heart. I know Hes just telling me patience. Thanks Anna and everyone for just being there and being a support net. :] -Andy

[Anna01]

@ano1107

No question is dumb. Those are great questions. Though the odds are pretty slim...you can spread it to your eye. Avoid touching sores and then touching your eyes. It doesn't just spread on its own. So don't worry about that. Also it is the same situation for your mouth. It is a slim chance but is possible for you to spread it to your mouth. The basic idea is do not touch sores and then rub your face. We really aren't supposed to rub our eyes period, herpes or no herpes. So I try to leave my eyes alone in general. Which is hard since I revert back to toddler days when I am sleepy...rubbing my eyes haha. Be cautious but don't be paranoid. It is harder to spread than you think. I am sure WSCDancer will give you some real deal info regarding those questions. She is a vet at this :)

 

I am so happy that my response lifted your spirits :) It lifts mine as well to hear that it helped you! Sometimes we just need that friendly reminder that we are not alone. All of us go through emotions in life. So don't be ashamed of this condition. Don't feel that people are judging you. Because if someone does judge you, they are not worth your energy. I had a moment after I broke the news to my family. We were all singing happy birthday to my neice and I was thinking OMG everyone knows. They are probably thinking about it right now. haha and the truth is they may or may not be and that is ok. They can care about me all they want. I accept this. So they do too and now it doesn't weigh on them either. It is not even a thought because I am moving on and living my life regardless!

 

NO ONE knows that you have this. No stranger can tell. :) I mean I was extremely intimate and in love with a guy for 8 months and had not one clue he was H+. I mean if anyone should know...it was me because I was constantly with him.

 

Keep doing your research....knowledge is power. You will slowly but surely realize there is a silver lining to this. Use it to your benefit. Stay strong and I am here if you want to chat.

[Sil88]

Hi Andy, I'm 26 too. I know you've seen worse things happen to other people than this. It doesn't mean the end of sex, it will make you a stronger character in the long term (it stopped me taking life for granted), and also it sounds like you had a good run before H came along. Sounds like you're making the right responses though.. share the load with your closest, focus on getting through an hour then start increasing it to a day, and take it seriously enough to force a change. You say you wish you didn't have a dick, well that could be a blessing because you could get to know a girl on a deeper level if you block that out. I'd probably get some help for the psychological impact it'll have on you combined with the ptsd and anxiety disorder.. that's the worst element of H, but you can deal with it.

[DazedNewbi]

Hey Andy!

I'm pretty new to this so I don't have any tips or tricks or even answers but I wanted you to know that I think its pretty courageous the steps you are taking. First off, actually going to the Doctor. And then being able to share this with your family. I commend that. I shudder at the thought of telling my mother and maybe I never will. She would be the type to round up the family and quietly inform them that they need to wipe off the toilet seat before they sit while i'm visiting -_-. Regardless of any info I could produce to tell her that was unnecessary.

I love her dearly but damn lol

I experienced many of the same thoughts and questions you have and frankly am still stuck in that obsessive hand washing faze even though I THINK my OB is gone and has been for 2 weeks lol Or maybe not....Nobody will answer my residual pain after sores are gone questions... :( I don't know. Regardless I found taking it slow and getting back to normal actually helped. I've been testing out the possible OB causes slowly, one at a time. Like dipping my toe in a cold lake.

I don't need to know you to KNOW you can live with this and have a great fulling life. :) And I wish you a world of happiness! :D

 

[ano1107]

Wow. I seriously am at a loss for words. I can't explain how muxh every single comment has meamt to me. I have read them all over a dozen times and tear up with eaxh one. I just want to thank all of you. Anna, your continued positive words and help making me feel like im not a jack*ss with my questions and continued support you offer :] means so much. Sil88 thank you for giving me guidance and helping me keep focused on what you actually nailed right on the head which is getting to know someone deeper, its like you know me lol thank you so much. Dazed thank you for your honesty and opening up as well. Telling my mother and brother was hard, but ive learned that carrying something around weighs you down so much. So if its in your heart to tell her than do so. It may be hard at first but alot of times your mind goes to the worst possible outcome. Youll be surprised what truly happens many times. I've learned being open, honest, and transparent most of all make the load of life so much lighter. :] If any of you guys evdr need anything please let me know. You all have become basically my family/best friends. You are all amazing people and have made this experience that I am 4 days into and will live with forever so much easier. You are all such a blessing. Im staying strong and I just want to thank you guys for being a major part of my rock right now. :] whew... life... Here we go.. :]

[ano1107]

I meant to include this im sure you've done research but I did a bit on your residual pain after your sores are gone DazedNewbi ... I hope this helps :0 .. it wouldn't let me copy the link for some reason but its the second page on this google search that may shed some light on ur pain possibly due to nerve damage. Remember its the second search result

 

 

https://www.google.com/search?q=pain+after+herpes+outbreak

[2Legit2Quit]

@DazedNewbi no no no no! Nobody has to wipe the toilet seat before they sit! Please do not spread that information around, it is not true! If that were true, almost everyone would have genital herpes at this point!

 

@ano1107 I feel your pain. I served in the army 00-06. It is nor am to feel like you need to wash your hands constantly. I was the exact same way and I still do more than I did before, to a point. In all honesty, we shouldn't even before herpes, be touching our faces after touching our junk, because of the bacteria we harbor down there, so it's no different than the regular hygiene protocol.

 

I too felt like everybody could tell I had it while in public. It's so ridiculous and I'm not sure why that pops in our head, but it does. Another strange phenomenon, is some feel like they have to tell people, because they feel like they're lying to people. It is so sad and makes no sense. HPV doesn't have this same impact on people, so not sure why herpes xows, but guess because it's been the butt of jokes forever.

 

Also, if you are experiencing any pain and don't know already, soak in Epsom salt baths for awhile and also use bactine to spray on your junk, to numb it up. If you're dealing w friction and sorea sticking to clothing, a heavy coating of Vaseline helped me w that.

 

Hang in there, it does get better.

[WCSDancer2010]

@ano1107

 

Hello and Welcome! Sorry I didn't get to this before now but I was traveling yesterday and spent the day before getting ready so I'm behind on here :p

 

First, one thing noone has said is that from what I can tell the Dr did a VISUAL exam and honey, you CANNOT take that as a diagnosis. Period. TERRIBLY unethical to do it that way. So right now I would take a DEEP BREATH and realize that it's possible that they got it wrong. Because to me it sounds like they took your story of a big romp (and perhaps your past...don't know what you told them) and ASSUMED you have H because you have a sore that *looks* like one ... but Herpes comes in a LOT of ways and it looks like a lot of other things. The only problem is that now it's likely too late to swab it ... so your only option will be a blood test and if you did just acquire it, then it won't be positive for about 4 months so you'd need to retest again in a few months.

 

Have you talked to the person who you may have got it from? Ask them if they have ever had cold sores or ongoing irritation ... and ask them if they would go get a blood test for BOTH of your sakes because it's not normally in the STD testing panel so it's good for them to know either way :)

 

Whatever the result, you will be ok. I've had this 35 yrs. Yes, it's a royal pain sometimes. Yes, it poses some challenges. But your life certainly isn't over by any means. You are a combat vet... you've likely seen people who now have to live with really horrid life altering wounds.... AND, someone will likely come along and love them even though they likely thought/think that noone would want them now. It's really no different with Herpes. Someone will come along one day and love you with ALL your "brokenness" ...whether it includes Herpes or not :)

 

 

(((HUGS)))

 

PS: I'm putting links at the bottom that may help you with the pain of the wound (they will help even if it's not H) and a few others to help you out :)

 

 

@DazedNewbi

 

I just answered your question a few minutes ago... again, I was traveling and couldn't get online much. Please don't take things personally if you don't get an answer right away. Sometimes we are busy. Sometimes people just don't know what to say. Many people sit and wait for "someone else" to give what they think will be a "better answer"....LOL .... if you don't get an answer within a couple days, bump it up and ask again... if I miss it the first time I'll try to get to it the second time around, ok?

[DazedNewbi]

@DazedNewbi no no no no! Nobody has to wipe the toilet seat before they sit! Please do not spread that information around, it is not true! If that were true, almost everyone would have genital herpes at this point!

 

.

I'm not spreading it around lol..... I said she'd do that EVEN IF i provided information that said that was unnecessary.... Meaning that she is set in her beliefs.

 

 

[DazedNewbi]

@ano1107

 

Thanks for looking that up, that was very sweet! I've been reading everything I can get my hands on and it always helps to have a second set of eyes :)

[ano1107]

@wcsdancer2010 thank you so much. I saved that picture and actually made it my background. I love it :] thank you so much!!

 

Also my mother was a nurse and she was disgusted when she heard the same about him giving a visual diagnosis. Now this may sound weird but remember I had a roudy past 26 yrs and my mom was having me get tested prior to me even having sex every month when I was a youngster so we have a solid and comfortable relationship when It comes to certain things (this one was the only rough convo) but when she saw she said she agreed with the dr but none the less I need to be properly tested which I already had scheduled an appointment monday because im eager to find out the exact detailed info. I have a little ocd so I want to know exactly where I fall on the scale if its just 2 or 1 also just a million things. I just got out of the shower and this new joy is causing havoc on my shower process I always do things an exact way and I now switch it from washing top down (im one of thosehour shower clean freaks) to top to bottom but then that area at the end in fear like itsgoing to move to my feet.. I also wash my hands after i dry off. I know I may be over doing it or maybe not but id rather be safe than sorry I guess. Luckily the outbreak which ive read your first is typically the worst is actually a small area on me luckily. Idk if all OBs will be like this or if ill ever have another I know time can only tell but monday ill atleast get a few tests done so I have comfort of mind knowing the specifics. Ive accepted it is what it is, I just wanna be more educated on my own body and for me that means numbers graphs and facts lol. Strange how having all of you on here can actually allow me to type "lol" all of you are amazing. I am so glad I came here. I can't explain how much help you all have been and kind and sweet and just so genuine. You are all special people to reach out to a complete stranger and I want each of you to know you have touched my heart and made my life better. You all are amazing :]

@dazednewbi no problem im glad I could do something for you I hope it helped and hope you get to feeling better. I just want to give back all that I can. If you ever need anything im always here for you. :]

And that goes for all of you guys, feel free to reach out to me any time I will always be here for you guys even if you didnt write and are just reading this. If ya just need someone to talk to im always here :] You all probably saved me months with an additional psychologist and thousands of dollars. I dont think I can drop anything else on my current psych. lol I feel good because of you guys. I hope you guys know the power of your words. They are truly healing. Now im blabbling thanks again everyone. Much Love :]

[WCSDancer2010]

Glad that the photo helped... I don't post many because they take up a lot of space but I thought that would really speak to you 🙂

 

As for your washing ritual, remember that H is pretty easily killed with soap ... if it wasn't, everyone with H would have it all down their legs ...(*think about it* LOL)

 

Good luck on your tests... and if you want stats, these links are good for that:

 

Handouts + disclosure e-book:

https://www.herpesopportunity.com/lp/ebook

 

Herpes facts video

 

[2Legit2Quit]

@DazedNewbi hahaha OK, my apologies, I must have misread that, it came off as a suggestion.

 

I am so. So, so, sorry that was said to you! If I could wrap you in a warm embrace right now I would. That makes me so sad you are being treated that way. I know I have felt self conscious w my neighbor after disclosure and how her older daughters feel and felt they were paranoid using the bathroom after me... Thanks kngod their mother is in the medical field and that has allowed then to be so open minded. W that said I've felt they feel that way since I told them which was a yr ago and I finally told her tonight my fear, that they think that. She said, that's all you. I've sat on yoi many public toilets to worry about that and have worked w AIDs patiences.

 

 

@ano1107 Reading your words reminds me so much if the appreciate of the sisterhood/brotherhood of serving .. I miss that. We tend to be more grateful to outside people from our own blood and I see that in you. We got your back, that's all you need to care about.. Even outside herpes, you can talk army to me all day long. You're in the Right place.. We may not be there in person, but we're there. Hang in there.

[ano1107]

So my Dr emailed me after doing blood/urine/plasma testing last week and I letthe days pass because I was sure of what the result would be that I would have hsv2 and just wanted to know if I had one also and come to find out that I don't have hsv2 I only have hsv1..? I don't know what this news is if it changes anything I know for the most part it doesn't I still have a lot to research but I just needed to tell someone I don't know I'm at work and things are going semi alright at work getting back into things my anxieties just been really bad and I have numerous doctors appointments for prior surgeries from 3 plates and 12 screwsI had to have put in my face and remove except for 2/screws that vroke off at their headsand they're causing trouble along with the implant they had to put in under my cheek so its not sunk in but that's something I've been dealing with for the past years now and a different story... I guess finding out its hsv1 and not to just kind of confuses me even though I guess it doesn't really change anything at all.. Idk just needed to vent I guess. Thanks.. -Andy

[WCSDancer2010]

So you were sent blood test results? If so they take at least 4 months to become accurate because you need to develop the antibodies. Meaning at the moment the results are not conclusive... you need to go back at 4 months post-exposure and re-test. It's very possible you have had HSV1 orally since childhood (like the other 80% of the population) which is why that would have come up positive.

 

Sorry to add to your pile of things to follow up on but right now, without a swab of the actual lesions, it's too soon to go on a blood test...

 

 

[ano1107]

Blughhh... It's the VA so my test results were an email saying you only have hsv1 not 2 .... And unfortunately/fortunately I don't have any lesions or anything from them to swab.. Also I have never had a cold sore in my life (I understand that doesn't mean a person doesn't have it) but doesn't that lower the odds of falling into that 80 that have if? Idk maybe not I've been so busy at work I haven't been able to do any research actually I'm here now blegh. I just want definitive answers on what I have and don't have. I came to terms and accepted what I had and have been doing my best to move on but its like I can't get out of this starter phase over and over. I accepted everything and was moving on and I feel like I'm just being tossed around its so frustrating... Thank you for all your words and help wcsdancer I truly appreciate it. (Sorry about all the venting again blagh I just don't have anyone to talk to about this stuff...) Thanks

-Andy ;{

[WCSDancer2010]

80% of people have Oral HSV1 ... and 80% of them don't know it because they never have symptoms and H is not included in STD tests... so yes, you *could* be an oral carrier and not know it. 60% of young people have it before they are adults from other kids... I got it at age 4 ... I have the photos to prove it :p

 

Forget the VA ... they are not likely to take STD testing, esp Herpes, seriously enough to be well informed. Get to Planned Parenthood and get tested in 4 months time ... they will give you better info and if you have an OB, go straight there and get it swabbed ... they should also give you a reasonable deal if you have to pay out of pocket ... I was only charged half for my last tests and I paid it off at $20/month.

[ano1107]

and what I meant by falling into that 80% was I know I have HSV 1 but finding out if it is just the oral 80 percent or the type 1 in the life changing area. On top of waiting 4 months to find out about 2 and then finding out just what and where and everything idk my brain is just on overload.. And have to get back to supervising.... Thanks

[ano1107]

Thank you for all the information I really appreciate it.

[WCSDancer2010]

Yeah - well, unfortunately there is nothing else that can be done to get an answer unless you get a swabbable OB ... :(

[ano1107]

So 4 months in the unknown.. Thank you for all the information. At least I have something conclusive... there's nothing I can do for another 4 months or an OB.. If that even ever happens. Thank you...

[2Legit2Quit]

4 months since you believe you contracted it, not four months from today date. You have lesions though during your primary correct? That's at least what I remember you saying.