Talk of the party

[FiguringThisOut]

So I had this REALLY awkward situation at a party last week and I was wondering if anyone has been through a similar kind of experience. Maybe we can share some thoughts and figure out a way to deal with these situations.

 

It was a party at a friend's house, all college/university students. The party just got to that point were people were all tipsy but not super drunk or anything, so they talk and laugh easily but they also actually know what they're saying.

I walked up to a group where a friend of mine was sitting with some of his friends, curious about the seemingly hilarious story one of them was telling. Unfortunately, I then figured out he was telling worst-case herpes stories with a big smile on his face, the way people laugh at funniest home videos I gues: "hahahaha that is sooo gross" etc. It hit me that he was presenting these stories as 'that is what herpes is', as if every person with herpes gets the very-worst-scenario (of which I even wondered if it was realistic or exaggerated, really).

So the way they were talking about herpes REALLY bothered me, but at the same time I felt like I couldn't say anything. For a moment I imagined disclosing right there and tell them what it's really like, but that didn't seem like a good idea: imagine a girl at a party, telling a group of guys about what her herpes is like. Even imagining their faces frightened me, so I kept my mouth shut.

I tried faking a perspective from someone who doesn't have herpes but knows it's not always that bad, but I felt within a minute I wasn't going to keep that appearance up. How lucky was I that my boyfriend caught my eye and took me for a walk to get of of there for a little bit. His support means the world to me and it gets me back on my feet to return to the party. Apparently we had been gone for quite a while and some people were already looking for us (takes a while to get all the tears out and then feel ready to show your face again, you know...), so maybe this wasn't the best way to deal with it either. Plus I am still frustrated with the way people use herpes as a gross joke.

 

I'm just wondering... Is there a way to go into that conversation when you make them stop talking about herpes like that without making everyone, including yourself, super awkward?

[2Legit2Quit]

Two months after my diagnosis, I attended a party w a gf who has had it for 9yrs and knew I had just got it. Not long after arriving we are talking to a group of our friends and one of our guy friends makes a joke about it (and he's in his late 40s!). I remember looking out the corner of my eye to see how she responded and she was doing the same for me. I was worried how she'd take it and she was worried about me. We both just planted a fake smiles on our face and I quickly changed the subject about his trip he just came back from. It was a smooth transition and I was shocked, I handled it so well, because I had still been crying almost every day up to that point and certainly still felt dirty and even guilty flirting w a guy.

 

It honest to god didn't bother me, because I've seen it for so many yrs before I got it and have so many friends w it. I realize that it's not personal, it's not about YOU. You're projecting your own self into it. People say all sorts of mean stuff. What about all the fat jokes? You don't take it personally, unless you're heavy. At the end of the day, people will always find flaws to make fun of soneone about and you just need to remember that it's not about you, it's about them. Two weeks before I got this I was w that friend who has it and she asked me if I'd date someone w it and I said I'd like to say no, only because I remember the anxiety it caused in me w my ex who had warts, but at the end of the day, had I gotten to know someone and they had treated me the way my ex did in the beginning, I'd researched it like I did w warts and found the best way to protect myself. Which is what I did w my ex and I never got it. I almost felt I was being punished for telling her no after I got it. It's easy to say no, until you meet an incredible person and they tell you they have it.

 

No matter what we do, how much we advocate, you will never get rid of stupid people. It is a part of life and you will have to remove yourself from it, so as not to take it personally. Not sure how much this helps you, but what other choice do we have at the end of the day? We have two choices: let it tear us apart and let a non-motherfucking factor in our life dictate our mood and make us feel bad and ruin our night or we can choose to ignore it and walk away, along w taking note of how incredibly small minded that individual is and stay away from him in the future.

[FiguringThisOut]

Thanks for your response and your story. It is absolutely true that I was/am projecting myself into the unpersonal story. And I guess there will always be jokes about all kinds of subjects.

 

Still, it frustrates me when people just don't seem to know the actual facts about the thing they're making fun of. I really think they were uneducated about the subject instead of trying to be mean or something. Guess I'll keep looking for a way to smoothly insert those facts into the conversation before I find a way to change the subject and continue having a good evening.

[2Legit2Quit]

You might want to wait on that interjecting w facts, until you've come to complete acceptance and can speak on the topic, as if you're removed from it like a medical professional for example. You need to be in a place that you are prepared for someone to then ignorantly burst out w: what!? Do you have herpes or something? Why else would you know so much?

 

You need to be prepared for being put on the spot and how you'd respond to that and being able to do so w all emotion removed from it. At this point, I don't think you're even close to handle the rhetoric that may ensue, when you try to correct ignorance w some. I just remind myself that they have just dodged a bullet that they aren't immune to and if they don't already have it and are asymptomatic, they may sooner or later, finally get hit by that bullet and learn a very humbling lesson to say the least .

[ivoryrain]

At work some people were talking about how gross it was that a client had herpes. I just interjected with tons of facts until the conversation was no longer "fun" for them. I just stated that a family member has it (which is true) when I could tell they were wondering how I knew so much about it. The best is when it's a group of 4+ women and you say 1 in 4 women have it. You see the uncomfortable glances everyone exchanges lol.

[2Legit2Quit]

Hahaha! Classic @ivoryrain !

[Anna01]

Such great advice here :) I would say, do not take it personally. It is just another topic of conversation that people don't get right. The real sad part about it is that he is completely ignorant of the people he was speaking around. For all you know, some of the others laughing could easily have it! Hell....He could even have it! Some people will talk about anything to just have something to talk about. Unfortunately, a lot of times they choose topics that aren't really the best party talk haha. Don't let that kind of behavior bother you. H has no reflection on you as a person. It is amazing how much it can humble us and keep us from being a jerk. We know what it feels like to be misunderstood and we are now more careful about the things we say. BTW your boyfriend sounds like a really cool guy :) I have yet to deal with this situation but I am sure the day will come. Stay strong girlie. Remember people are ignorant and people can be jerks without even realizing it.

[FiguringThisOut]

Thanks for the comments guys! It's helpful to see some different perspectives on the matter :)

[WCSDancer2010]

I'm out of town...just trying to pop in to a few of the conversations here ...but the links below may help ...

 

One quick tidbit you can interject is that you recently found out that normal STD tests don't include Herpes and that because of this 80% of carriers don't know they have it.... then walk away as if it's no big deal. If someone asks why you know, use @ivoryrains excuse that a family member or friend has it.

 

Or you can do as Ella Dawson did on her "favorite" disclosure ... and just say "Really? Because I actually have Herpes and that's not been my experience.... anything else you need to know?" To be honest, *most* people will be soooo embarrassed when you do that, YOU come out with the win....because now there is a FACE to the "joke" ... it makes it real, and they realize that maybe it's more common than they realized ;)

 

http://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-relationships/dating-with-herpes

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/herpes-jokes-getting-the-last-laugh/