disclosing by facebook message, over the phone or in person? 1st time disclosing, need help please

[xtina]

I can't sleep thinking about this and i would really appreciate any advice. I was diagnosed a few months ago and have never had to disclose to anyone. I have started seeing a guy. I have known him for a long time as friends and it was a suprise that we both got together as we hadn't seen each other for years. We went the same music festival together and we ended up seeing each other. We live in different countries so we had to leave after the festival. I will see him again in a few weeks when i leave the country to go travelling. He wants to go travelling with me as he is already travelling himself and I am happy with this. I care about him a lot but The only thing is i know i have to tell him before things go further, but I don't know how because of the situation. I will not see him in person for a few weeks and I am afraid if i tell him then he would feel i duped him into going with him without knowing this information. Should I tell him in a message or over the phone now? or wait until I see him in person even though that might me too late? I am so lost and I don't know what to say or do. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[2Legit2Quit]

Well if you feel like it's going to kill you to wait to tell him, have your pamphlets ready to send to him and tell him on the phone

[NothingGoodGetsAway]

I haven't disclosed to anyone yet, so take any thoughts with a grain of salt, but if I were in your position I would wait. That doesn't mean that you have to wait until you see him. Just give yourself time to actually consider the situation and the different outcomes.

 

Is there a strong expectation that the "travel" means "sex"? Meaning, have you had discussions about desires, wants, "can't waits" etc? Of course there's likely a "hope" for sex, but if you think he actually wants to travel with you, to see different sites and stay up late with you as you explore, then 'sex' is only part of the equation.

 

Maybe you can start to feel him out in his texts or your conversations - are they super flirty or sexual? Is it clear that he wants your bod? If you feel like the conversation (on both sides) is getting overtly sexual, it's a good time to call it out. "Hey, so I am really enjoying this back and forth we have going - it's just making me more and more excited to see you as soon as possible! I really can't wait. I do just want to talk to you about one thing that's on my mind..." (start disclosure talk)

 

If, on the other hand, your conversations are fun, emotional, jokey and flirty (and maybe a bit of sexual tension), then it's up to you when you want to tell him.

 

I think that you might not be giving yourself (or maybe even him!) enough credit. You're not "duping" him (unless you've basically promised sex, see above) by agreeing to go on a trip with him! Any guy would be lucky to travel with you (you met at a festival? you live in another country? you're traveling around?? baller girl!).

 

The only other consideration I would have on the side of disclosing before the trip would be then you know you can trust him to travel with you. Meaning, if you don't know the guy well, and you think he might have a big reaction, maybe talking at the hostel isn't the best time to tell him. You should be able to enjoy your trip (solo or with him) and the LAST thing you need is uncertainty!

 

[WCSDancer2010]

I agree that first you need to be clear that you both are looking forward to having sex....

 

But assuming that the answer is yes, I'd see if you can facetime him ... far better to be able to see each other for such an intimate and vulnerable conversation. Before you do that, read all the Success Stories that you can as there are a ton of great tales of how people have disclosed to their new partners.

 

This is what I tell others about disclosure:

 

Let them know you have something personal to share, and that you are doing so because you have got to a point where you feel you can entrust them with this information.

 

Also let them know that you want to start with honesty and openness, and that you need to share this with them because you care for them and this is something that has the potential to affect them, and that you need to discuss it now because you feel the relationship is moving towards sexual intimacy and you want to put this on the table before that happens.

 

Be confident in yourself and your knowledge of the facts... or at least have the handouts with you so you can refer to them and give them to your partner to take home and use for reference.

 

Make sure to direct them to places like this site, my blog, the CDC's site, Westover Heights and other trusted, RELIABLE sources ... direct them AWAY from Google images and the Yahoo groups where all the Debbie Downers hang out.

 

Give them permission after to take as much time to research and consider their response.

 

Whatever happens, don't take anything they say or do personally if it's negative. Odds are, it's their ignorance (because we all know that the education about H is pretty pathetic) or their fear of something marring them in some way (very possible if they are OCD/hypochondriac/anxious).

 

You can also point out that the risk of getting H from someone who KNOWS they have Herpes is far less than most of the population because 80% of people with H don't know they have it ...and that the vast majority of cases are from asymptomatic carriers or people who have been led to believe that they can't pass it on without an OB and thus don't need to tell a partner as long as they don't engage in sex during an OB.

 

Make sure that you don't wait till the clothes are off to tell someone either (and it happens all too often!) because that is how poor decisions are made then the person has regrets AND is scared silly ... rather than making a well thought out choice to be with you.

 

Approach it with confidence and a trust that it will work out as it is meant to..... because that really is all you can do anyway

 

Also download the e-book on disclosure and the handouts. Great place to start with getting your mind wrapped around how the talk can actually bring you closer instead of driving them away.

https://www.herpesopportunity.com/lp/ebook

 

[xtina]

Thank you so so much for your replies, this helps me a great deal. I know him really well and I know he cares about me and doesn't just want sex. We haven't even talked about that much, just in flirty conversion, but I know this is something we both want as well as spending time together. I wouldn't want someone to come along with me travelling if i didn't trust them, so luckily he is someone i know I can trust a lot.

I'm thinking I should tell him soon. Can I ask which hand outs you mean? is there files i can send him so he gets knows the real facts?

thanks again, you have made me feel so much better!

[2Legit2Quit]

Yes, in the above link

[xtina]

oh i didn't look properly, thank you for that