I think I got ghosted

[val]

I am so confused. My friend introduced me to a guy she works with. He is the nicest man I have ever had take me out. He's beeb so respectful and kind. I was starting to get nervous about disclosure because he was the first one to disclose it to. On Saturday after our fifth time hanging out, I went to his house and I told him. I did everything that we are advised to do and say. I didn't say "disease" I did use statistics. He was so sweet after. He kissed me and held me all night. He dropped me off Sunday morning and told me to text him. I did later, to say to take his time as think about it and just to let me know one way or another if he would want to be intimate with me in the future, just so I could know whether to move on or not. It now Tuesday evening and I have heard nothing. I don't expect to hear anything. I'm devastated. I'm not sure why I am so upset, except that I got my hopes up that everything would be ok because he treated me so kindly and tenderly. I've cried every day. Haven't taken calls and haven't went to work. I can even think about te thought of a bad conversation and how it will affect me as this has crushed me. I don't want to answer my momma when se calls because I remember her saying about two different women from our hometown that they probably had herpes because they were being punished. I know that's not due and I honestly wouldn't feel that way about anyone who told me they're story so why do I believe I deserve this? And why do I feel like I'll always be alone? And honestly at this point, I know I'll be alone because I can't sleep with someone without telling them and I don't think I could ever tell again. I just don't want to open myself up to this sort of rejection. I mean I know I haven't given this guy a lot of time, but honestly if he can post funny memes to Instagram, he's had some time to at least think about this or reach out somehow. He hasn't said a single word. I'm clearly not worth the risk. I'm so low right now. It's so dark and I just don't know how to move forward.

[WCSDancer2010]

@val

 

Aww honey .... (((HUGS)))

 

So here is the deal. For one thing, I've seen guys do this many times here, and come back to tell the woman they just needed to think about things... you see, men can only deal with one thing at a time, and they often have to retreat into their cave while they do it. So don't give up hope yet.

 

Second, *IF* he ghosted you, that tells you a hell of a lot about him. It tells you the man has no balls. No integrity. No empathy. Because that is one of the cruelest way to end a relationship (take it from someone who has been ghosted MANY times, and not always over HSV) ...

 

You see, Herpes is acting as your Wingman right now. He may come back and tell you he values you too much to lose you. He may come back and tell you that he just can't take the risk (which is his right.... we all view risk/reward differently and if he's at all OCD or germaphobic, it may be too much for him)... which at least shows you that he is a MAN... just not the man for YOU. And if he doesn't come back and he ghosts you, why the hell would you want a chicken-shit like that in your life? Someone who will run from uncomfortable situations? Who can't man-up and at least look you in the eye and say what is HIS TRUTH around this?

 

This is nothing about YOU. It's not even about herpes. It's about you deserving someone who loves you UNCONDITIONALLY and who has INTEGRITY and COMPASSION. I know it's hard to see that right now. First disclosures are tough. When they go south, it can make us doubt ourselves. But really, you are just seeing this man for exactly who he is. And even if he comes back to you, you need to think if you want someone who acts like this in your life.

 

It's not that you are not worth the risk. It's about whether he feels strongly enough about you to take the risk. I remember we had someone on here who had a disclosure "failure" the guy did the same thing... ghosted at first. When he finally came back, he said that while he really liked her, he realized that he was more interested in her sexually but not as a LTR... and that he didn't want to pursue just a sexual relationship with her. Without the Herpes talk he would have banged her with no intention to pursue anything long term...she thanked him for his honesty and was GLAD that H had forced him to be honest about what his TRUE intentions were...

 

I will put some links below that may help you to see that this may well be a blessing, even though it doesn't feel like it right now...but in the long run, I hope you will see that this is just a speed bump in the road to love :)

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/using-herpes-as-your-wingman/

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/5897/my-first-disclosure-story#latest Wingman example

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3309/successful-herpes-disclosure-but-not-for-the-reasons-you-might-think (Herpes Wingman example Mazedaze818 )

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/6347/my-disclosure-story 2 very different reactions … but both are “successful” in their own ways :)

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/6070/it-gets-better great tips for newbies

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2886/herpes-yoga-and-self-love

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/92/the-positive-side-of-being-herpes-positive

 

 

 

Herpes as a relationship filter Adrial

 

[val]

Thank you @WCSdancer2010 !! Everything you said makes total sense. I truly appreciate the support. Feeling alone is probably the worst part.

[val]

Also, I apologize for all the poor grammar and typos. I was crying while I wrote this and not paying attention. @WCSdancer2010

[2Legit2Quit]

Well I don't have much to add, because Dancer has covered it all. I have seen guys step away and need to take time, some men need to withdraw to digest things. One of my closest guy friends is like that. He goes dark and mauls over things. He doesn't want to discuss it w anyone, until he's finished processing things.. Doi find it a bit extreme, yes, but we're different than men. On the flip side, if he truly ghosted, he's a douche bag and all his charing ways he showed you to be convinced he is this gentle soul, was nothing but a facade. You don't want a man like that, because he'll ghost on bigger things, believe me.

[Mrose90]

I feel the same Val. I've been ghosted and flat out told to leave. everyone that doesn't know that I have H think that I am this cool, fun, cute surfer girl.... and I am, except I have herpes.

[val]

The boy that ghosted me, I called him out in a kind way. Check out my other thread, that's the follow up on him!

 

You ARE a cool, fun, CUTE surfer girl! There is no except! And anyone who sees an "except" would not be worth your time with, or without herpes. And you have to believe that, because if you can't believe it about yourself, you can't believe it about others. And I really hope you don't think that I am just herpes.