Still struggling..

[gns3224]

Hi, I'm a 48 y/o male almost 6 months post-diagnosis for both oral and genital H. Recently divorced, I contracted H from the first gal I slept with after an 8 year generally loveless, sexless marriage. I don't think my gf knew she had it. At any rate she claims she didn't give it to me, and that I must have gotten it "from somebody else" (no chance of that..hadn't had sex for years before that). We're no longer seeing each other.

 

This has been extremely difficult for me physically and psychologically. The symptoms have been atypical. It's been 6 mos of continuous itching/ tingling around my mouth, nose, and eyes, but no sores, per se. I've also had mild pain in my genitals, not too bad though. The worst part has been just a general crappy malaise, a sick feeling which only gets a little better when I take valtrex. I was terrified that I would pass it on to my 6 y/o daughter but that fear has slowly faded, as I've educated myself on how it's transmitted.

 

Now I'm just wondering when I will start feeling better (if ever), and when can I wean myself off the anti-virals. Any thoughts?

[2Legit2Quit]

Her behavior is indicative of a guilty conscious. I'm so sorry. So did you get infected orally at the same time as your genitals? If so, sounds like you got HSV 1 on your genitals too from oral sex. Did you have it typed yet?

 

Definitely sounds like hsv 1.. Other's on this thread who got HSV 1 have atypical symptoms like you are. @sil88 and @whitedaisies

 

I have HSV 1 orally that I got at 22 and body handled it well. I got HSV 2 at 33 and my body has not handled it well at all. Had bad neuropathy and endless paresthesia daily. I've noticed a trend in those who get it older, don't seem to handle it as well if gotten as a teen or in thwir early to mid 20s. Also those of us w underlying autoimmune diseases, have more issues w it.

 

If I don't take valtrex, chronic fatigue syndrome sets in bad. If I do any physical activity, I get a type of fatigue that feels like when you wake from general anesthesia, so I had to keep taking valtrex.

 

I would give yourself a yr at least on them daily and then see how your body handles it.

[gns3224]

thanks Legit..no I haven't got typed..I had vaginal sex and then I gave her oral so I was assuming it was hsv2. Although based on what I've read it's almost impossible to transmit hsv2 from genitals to mouth/face..so maybe I will get typed...the other thing I'm dealing with is the doctors in my small town have no clue about H..my current doctor was really reluctant to prescribe 6 mos of valtrex..b/c he says it's "not good" for me and that typically you're only supposed to take it for 5 days!!?

 

I actually had him get on this New Zealand gov't website so he could be better informed: http://www.herpes.org.nz/patient-info/all-facts/.... the weird thing about this virus is that for the most part nobody knows anything about it and care even less..even though it seems to cause so much mental anguish

 

 

 

[2Legit2Quit]

Your doctor is ignorant. Can you Google an infectious disease doctor in your area? That's your best bet .

 

She may very well have both HSV 1 and two. She may also have HSV 1 in both places. Make sure your blood test is type specific IgG ELISA test and you take it four months from when you had symptoms.

 

Did you ever ask her to get tested?

 

Yes, it has relatively been ignored by the medical community unfortunately.

[gns3224]

Thanks again..no she did not get tested..she was adamant that she was clean. I didn't want to argue because it actually didn't matter where I got it. It's just something I need to live with now.

[2Legit2Quit]

Yeah her behavior to me is a red flag. Gokd riddance. Hang in there!

[Peggy]

Hi..my heart goes out to you. I have been where you are in a lot of ways. I was married for 12 years and in a relationship for 8. I was totally and completely devastated when I was diagnosed with 1 and 2. But it seems like things are starting to change for you..I am so happy to hear this. Once enough time passed for me...I would guess about the 6 month point. I realized that HSV does not define me or who I am. As a matter of fact being diagnosed helped me to finally have self love and respect. It is nothing more than a skin rash..I know that some people feel that this minimalizes HSV but it is true. I am blessed to be very healthy and take meds only with a flare up. I have only had 3 in 2 years. Anyway I guess I just wanted to share that life and love can be normal again. Remember that you hold the key in what you believe you deserve in your life. How wonderful that you are blessed with a daughter. I am sure your strength in all of this will continue to make you such a role model for her. Herpes does not define our value. It is just a medical fact. I hope things keep getting better for you:). If it helps I will send you one of Adrial's articles that changed everything for me. ...warm regards..Peggy

 

[Peggy]

This changed everything for me....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What will it take for you to clear H as an obstacle

and move into the life that you Deserve?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The H Opportunity

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Here's the secret ...

 

First things first: Stop beating yourself up! Just stop it! (Trust me on this.) You don’t deserve any of that self-abuse! Beating yourself up for something that happened in the past doesn’t change what you can’t change and it isn’t part of the healing process — it’s part of the re-injuring process. What good does it do to feel ashamed and guilty? Feel the genuine feelings if they naturally come up. Sure, feel sad. Feel angry. Feel confused. Let those run through your body (e-motion = “energy in motion” — let it move in a healthy way if you feel it!) But don’t shame yourself. Don’t guilt yourself into feeling even worse. You can’t change the past, but you can learn something about yourself from it.

 

 

 

True healing happens when you can stop shaming yourself and start accepting yourself. When you accept yourself, you are loving yourself. They go hand in hand.

 

 

 

As Buddha says (I’m not a Buddhist, per se, but the guy makes some great points!): Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. Pain happens in the body. Suffering happens in the mind — when you run your painful memories and beliefs through the mousewheel of your mind. If you allow pain to be felt and let it go, then it doesn’t reappear in the same form that it came in. But it does reappear if you keep putting yourself through it over and over again. And how often do we allow our minds to take over and replay all the horrible memories from our past? Do you know that in brain imaging studies that the brain knows no difference between feeling actual pain in the body and a memory of that pain? Every time we use our mind to remember something painful from our past, we might as well be going through it all over again as far as our minds are concerned.

 

 

 

There are stages to this healing process that you currently find yourself in. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross developed the 5 stages of grieving, but let’s think of them as stages of healing instead, shall we? Where are you in this process of healing?

 

 

 

1) Denial

 

· “I don’t really have H. The blood test was wrong.”

 

· [after an initial H occurrence] “That was just razor burn.”

 

2) Anger

 

· “Why was I such an idiot to have s*x with him/her?”

 

· “I hate the person who gave this to me. I want him/her to pay for doing this to me.”

 

3) Bargaining

 

· “You know, a cure for H must be right around the corner by now. Medicine is advancing in leaps and bounds.”

 

· [talking to a higher power] “I promise if I don’t actually have H that I won’t make whoopie with anyone EVER again.”

 

4) Depression

 

· “I give up. I’ll never find anyone to love me. I’m dirty. There’s no hope. Since herpes is for life, then I’ll be sad for life.”

 

5) Acceptance

•“H is just something that I will deal with in my life. It’s ultimately just a skin condition with an unfortunate reputation. I can move on and live my life.”

 

 

 

Note that these stages of healing don’t have to occur in order — stages can be skipped and/or revisited — nor do they all show up before acceptance (although Kubler Ross says a person will experience at least two). These stages shouldn’t be forced; they are meant to be understood as natural stages to an organic process. Getting a definitive H blood test to know for sure if you have it and what type (HSV-1 or HSV-2) is vital for you to move past denial. The harder you fight the diagnosis, the more likely you will stay in the denial stage. Sometimes giving up hope for something that won’t happen allows you to move on and be happy with where you are.

 

 

 

So what’s the point?

 

When you don’t force the process, then whatever you’re going through right now becomes part of what’s supposed to happen. Just hang in there, be fair to yourself and let yourself feel whatever you’re feeling in a self-supporting, nonjudgmental way. If you need to talk with someone, talk. If you need to be alone, be alone. If you need to yell, yell. If you need to eat a gallon of ice cream, eat it (but make sure to balance it out with a fresh salad at some point, too). The point is, let yourself experience whatever you need to experience. That’s healthy. If you push away what is, you stuff it down. And it’s bound to squeeze out the edges when you’re least expecting it. With all this being said, keep an eye on how your thoughts are creating the feelings you are feeling. You have a choice over what kind of thoughts you are thinking. Feelings and emotions don’t just arbitrarily come like clouds in the sky; they come because of the thoughts we are choosing to think. Sometimes the thoughts are conscious (we choose to think them) while at other times, our thoughts are more on the unconscious or subconscious level. This is why developing a mindfulness practice and self-awareness practice is key to healing fully. And this isn’t just about H; developing this kind of mindfulness will allow you to be less and less impacted by anything in your life that might have derailed you before.

 

 

 

Ready for the secret to “getting over it”?

 

Don’t just get over it and forget about it. That’s just another form of denial. Move through it. Just like if a fog were to settle over you as you’re taking a morning walk. Don’t run back to your home. Continue walking through the fog, with your eyes wide open. Eventually, the fog will lift and you will find your way back. And how do you stay walking through the fog without falling or running into things? You can’t guarantee those mistakes and mis-steps won’t happen, but what you can guarantee is that you will accept them when they do as a natural part of the process. Like I said before, self-acceptance is the key to self-love. When you accept every bit of you, who you are and what you have, then the world itself becomes an accepting place. So getting over it means going through it, with full acceptance.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[fitgirl]

@gns3224 first of all.......everyone thinks they are "clean" and what exactly does clean mean really? Anyone who uses that reference is ignorant and delusional about the human body. Pussy, cocks, assholes, mouths are all technically dirty by nature! Regardless of what she thinks or says, you have herpes and you are NOT dirty. And by the sounds of it, she has no idea what she has......that may be willful blindness or plain old ignorance. Either way, move on, its not worth the energy. Whats done is done. As for the Valtrex, it is one of safest drugs on the market. You can be on it indefinitely with little negative impact as long as you do not have a pre-existing issue with tour liver. 500mg daily supressionn can help you feel "normal". In time your body will handle virus better and you may not need the med's daily until to get into a new relationship. The first months are hard, it does get better physically and emotionally. I have had ghsv2 for over 15yrs, Valtrex is amazing....it relieves me of OB'S and protects my H- partner. Win-win!!! It will be easier for you to move forward if you don't have constant symptoms so I encourage the Valtrex at least to give you a feeling of your new normal. You don't have to stay on it forever.

 

Herpes is a pain in the ass but it doesn't rule your life once you learn how to manage it. Life will go on and you will be JUST FINE

[gns3224]

Thanks a bunch @Peggy and @fitgirl! I guess one of the positives of this condition has been finding this community of truly kind, compassionate people! You've made my situation so much more bearable, thank you...I guess another positive would be how emotional and physical suffering give you a laser-like focus and appreciation of who and what are truly important in your life. For that I am grateful.

[WCSDancer2010]

@gns3224

 

So you live in New Zealand?

 

I'm going to give you some links for future reference ... for disclosures, as well as for ignorant Dr's... but I'd guess your best bet there would be an infectious disease Dr because of your symptoms ... sadly most Family Dr's and the like are VERY behind the 8-ball on these things.....

 

And @2Legit2Quit, @Peggy, and @fitgirl ... I LOVE you ladies.... thank you for taking care of things while I've been gone.... and boy, am I behind... but your support here has not gone unnoticed.... it's great to know I can go away now and deal with things when I need to and know that things will be taken care of here 🙂 (((HUGS)))

 

Handouts + disclosure e-book:

https://www.herpesopportunity.com/lp/ebook

 

http://projectaccept.org/who-gets-hsv/

 

Herpes facts video

 

[aquamarine]

...I guess another positive would be how emotional and physical suffering give you a laser-like focus and appreciation of who and what are truly important in your life. For that I am grateful.

 

Oh boy, is that ever true! I just have to chime in and offer my support.... I'm newly diagnosed too, similar story to yours, 49 years old, 17 years in a sexless marriage and caught GHSV1 from the first guy I slept with..... sigh... I'm in the thick of dealing with the emotions and questions and fears too. I'm so grateful to have found this community. I think we're gonna be fine. We'll stand shoulder to shoulder and figure a way through this thing. Peace to you friend :)

 

 

[gns3224]

@WCSDancer2010-thanks for the info..right now I'm just resigned to my situation and trying to make the best of it. No I'm not in New Zealand, I live in the U.S. The NZ website was just very informative on a topic where there is precious little information (other than this forum and a few others). Quick question..I've read where you talk about your ex-husband's symptoms as being "flu-like"..can you say how long those lasted? I'm hoping the crappy, feverish feeling will eventually fade (within a year?)

@aquamarine-thanks so much for the positive support!

[WCSDancer2010]

@gns3224

 

Well, that was nearly 30 yrs ago ... so I don't remember much about how long everything lasted .. and to be honest, we just accepted it and lived with it ... but yes, generally the worst is over with within a year ... and over time, it *usually* gets better and better as your body (and YOU) learn to deal with it :)