Seriously Messed Up

[ang]

First and foremost let me just say that i know i completely messed up. Recently i went back to my hometown for the holidays to visit my mom. While i was there i met up with my ex-boyfriend and hung out with him for a couple of days. Long story short we hooked up and the entire time i was there i wanted to tell him about my status but was too afraid of how he would view me. He has a terrible temper and being that he was my first love and my first i can honestly say that i didnt want his opinion of me to change. We ended up hooking up and the guilt set in even more after we had sex i made a comment like would you still love me if i had a incurable std and he shot up and looked really concerned. I then proceded to tell him about hpv that i had caught a few years ago that was no longer in my system just to see how he would react if i told him i had herpes. He basically freaked out and said isnt that the same thing as herpes. I preceded to tell him that a friend of mine has it and it really isnt a big deal and to calm down. I wanted to get the words out but just his reaction about how he felt about herpes scared the shit out me and i told him he had nothing to worry about that he would be fine and i was clean. Then when i got home he asked me again if i was sure that i didnt have herpes and i lied to him a second time. After lying a second time i felt terrible and decided to call him and tell him the truth. His reaction to this is what killed me. He preceded to bash me calling me disgusting, that anyone who slept with me had no respect for themselves and that what kind of human being was i to not say anything to him being that i knew him for 7 years. In the past we had a terrible relationship where he was emotionally abusive and i has not seen him in 3 years...but being that he apologized several times i decided that enough time had passed and it was time to move forward and maybe be friends. Anyways the bashing over the phone continued for about 40 min and i guess i let him speak because i felt i deserved it for lying as well as putting his health at risk. I know what i did was wrong and cowardly but his reaction was basically everything that i feared in the past. He even went as far to say that i did this to him on purpose, that i wore a dress in front of him on purpose and that i set him up and went to his house to get back at him. I tried to reassure him that he was fine. We used condoms and i am assymptomatic when it comes to HSV. When we got to his house i honestly did not expect to have sex with him but i gave in and felt terrible about it. In the past i have let my partners know before hand and i seriously messed up this time. I am not the type of person to betray anyone. In the past i have always tried to do the right thing and be honest but this time i made a mistake and i literally feel this is the worse thing i have ever done to anyone. In my heart i feel that if i wouldve told him after while we were together he wouldve killed me but if i wouldve told him before he would have judged me. Not really asking for advice more or so venting.

[2Legit2Quit]

Well your put of character behavior in not disclosing, is clearly a result of you falling back into that abusive victim mindset. When abusers have that type of control over us, we can make poor decisions. Your biggest mistake in this, was putting yourself back in this abusive person's life. I know it hurt the things he said, but he's verbally abusive, do you expect anything less of him? DId it wasn't this, he'd found some other way to bash you. You did the right thing disclosing to him, but I hope you learned your lesson, to let things that became the past for a reason, stay in the past. He is not healthy for you. I'm sorry you had to go through this. We all make mistakes as humans, so stop beating yourself up.

[StillMeButWiser]

OMG, you poor thing. Don't feel guilty for not disclosing at first. Something deep inside knew what his reaction would be, hence the long hesitation. His reaction is totally expected from an emotional abuser. He is nothing more than a weenie! Low self esteem, insecure, puts down others to empower themselves, total weenie. Forget about him and please don't take what he said personally. I give you major credit for staying on the phone for 40 minutes. Probably trying to convince him otherwise. People like him refuse to hear anything but his rights. Personally I would've hung up on him after 10 minutes. Don't seek his approval because You be wasting your time for something that is worthless.

 

Empower yourself knowing you are way better of a person he could ever handle. No guilt needed.

 

 

[ang]

Thank you so much, the both of you. This year i have decided to take a break from dating and just focus on myself because i have major work to do. It wasn't until recently that i realized that i have psychological issues that stem from this, and he did alot more damage to me in the past mentally than i realized. I honestly didn't even want to have sex with this man i did it more or so to make him happy which is really sick. I am tired of being victimized and having let this continue on for 7 years i am truly ashamed. I even went as far to set up an appointment for a psychologist on Tuesday so that i can take steps on moving forward. I refuse to continuously allow myself to remain the victim and i honestly hope that he gets some help as well. In my heart i know that he will be okay but his reaction was what really got me the most. Being that youve known me since i was 18, and i am now 25 and you took my virginity why on earth would you assume that i am this terrible person. He is a digusting human being in my eyes and his heart is truly cold.

[2Legit2Quit]

Good for you! You're taking the right steps!

[WCSDancer2010]

One thing about Herpes - it makes a GREAT Wingman... it will show you who the asshats are in your life.... and maybe you will learn to listen to your new Wingman in the future... because if you are afraid to disclose, *perhaps* it's because you know how the person will react ( you have to learn how to tell when it's insecurity and irrational fear, and when it's your Wingman telling you that you have been ignoring red flags about that person).

 

Glad you are reaching out for help.... and I took a year off dating and it was the best thing I ever did for myself... so good on you to see that you need to learn to love YOU first and foremost....

 

(((HUGS)))