Jump to content
  • Want to be a part of a supportive community? Join the H Opp community for free.

    Welcome to the Herpes Opportunity Support Forum! We are a supportive and positive group to help you discover and live your Opportunity. Together, we can shed the shame and embrace vulnerability and true connection. Because who you are is more important than what you have. Get your free e-book and handouts here: https://www.herpesopportunity.com/lp/ebook

It was going so well...


Recommended Posts

I've never posted like this, but then I've never been told I had an incurable STD until earlier this week either. I am in a fairly new relationship (4 months) with a fantastic guy--with whom I can envision a future!-- (after many years of poor relationship choices that I made to keep from getting to that point, including my most recent relationship of five years that ended this summer) He had actually just met my family, including my kids, this past week, which is huge for me. I haven't connected and shared with anyone or just felt like I could be totally myself like I have with him since my first love at 18. I'm 44. I had what I thought was a yeast infection from antibiotics for a UTI. I was told my result (HSV 1 & 2 with current extremely mild outbreak of 2) over the phone just after I had made plans to meet my boyfriend to spend a few minutes during my lunch with him near his job. He came to meet me and I couldn't not tell him. It was bad timing, I did it awkwardly, and the conversation got interrupted because his job called and he had to leave immediately, so I got no feedback at all from him. I talked to him later that evening and he tried to be understanding and was honest that he was going through many emotions and didn't know what to think or do. He has cold sores and he talked about his experience with them and the signs of getting one, etc and I knew he was trying to relate to how it would/could be for me. He has not been tested for 2, but will be. He was married twenty years and has had very few partners and he nor any of them ever had symptoms. I have no idea who I might have gotten HSV from. I almost hope it's him and then I wouldn't have to worry about passing it to him, but I don't want him to have it! When I left he hugged me but didn't kiss me because he had a cold sore and said "we'll figure it out" and told me not to worry. That was several days ago and we have texted every day but not as much as usual, and I saw him once for about five minutes, but it's been awkward and we haven't talked about plans for the weekend even though it's visitation week with dad for my kids. I don't want to push him because I know he is processing and I don't want to be needy, something that is very out of character for me, but I'm feeling very insecure and need to hear that knows I'm worth the risks he would be taking to be with me. I don't know how to re-address the issue, since I kind of botched it the first time. I want to know where his head is now after having several days to think. The emotions I've been experiencing with the relationship and then with this wrench thrown in are ridiculously foreign to me. I'm middle-aged, for criminy's sake! I'm just having a hard time dealing with it all this week, and haven't been sleeping well at all, so everything seems much bigger because I'm worn out. I guess I just needed to vent. I called my friend who happens to be an STD educator after the first doctor appointment where they tested me, and had a half hour very personal conversation with her and asked questions and told her how devastated I was especially because of the fact that I really care for a man more than I have in years and that it would affect him as well--only to realize there were other people I know sitting next to her while she was on the phone, and I felt betrayed. There was no way they didn't know what was being discussed and with whom, so I was embarrassed. I shared with my best friend just that I had called a friend and talked about something very personal and ended up telling her about all of it. She told me she was diagnosed when she was engaged 16 years ago. I've known her a long time and had no idea...we share at least some with each other about almost everything. She said her husband is the only one who knows and she has always felt embarrassed and ashamed, but it has been a non-issue in their marriage. The subsequent discussions have made me appreciate her and our friendship more, so that's a positive from the positive test result at least! Thanks for reading; just typing this little book was cathartic for me.

Link to comment

Did you get a blood test done or just a swab? If you came up positive in the old, it means you've had it for at least four months, even 3 possibly. The number of partners you have, doesn't matter and we do see it being menthat seem asymptomatic on the average more and unknowingly pass it to their new partner. There very well could be a chance you had it all this time, but won't know w out more detail on things I touched base on.

Link to comment

I had the blood test and swab. I must have misheard the nurse or she read it wrong, because surprisingly enough I was negative for HSV 1 despite exposure from several siblings who get cold sores (I'm the youngest of six and they were always loving on me!) and previous boyfriends. The IGG for type 2 was 14.3.

Link to comment

That's what I figured when I did the math. Now that I think about it, I'm wondering if my ex-boyfriend was subtly telling me he had it. He mentioned to me more than once that uncircumcised (which he is) men are more likely to pass on certain things without having symptoms. He never said anything directly. Not that it really matters where it came from at this point.

 

Yes my current is going to be tested. He's a little freaked out about being with me now, even though he knows he's just as much at risk with anyone else, since most people don't know they have it. Since the relationship is fairly new and we hadn't had any conversation previous to this about what we were doing or where it was heading this has thrown both of us for a loop.

Link to comment

Thanks for asking; I'm not handling it well at all. It's all I can think about right now and I am very depressed. I was so happy with he way my life in general seemed to be going and felt very enthusiastic about this relationship until last week. Now I'm afraid im already too involved, which is very unusual for me to feel this much, and I'm worried he will decide being with me isn't woth the risk. I saw him yesterday and we had a fantastic time just being together but we talked a long time about things and I don't know if I feel better or not. The symptoms I had were extremely mild and I can't think of any before then. I had burning pain and one raw irritated spot on my labia that formed two tiny blisters and then they morphed into one small ulcer and then it was gone. It was cleared up except for some soreness in fivedays from beginning to end. I am very in tune with my body and I seldom have "typical" symptoms when I am ill. For example I get a lot of UTI's because my bladder doesn't fully empty, but I almost never have the usual symptoms of burning and frequency until it is very advanced. Mine are much more subtle like fatigue and mild low back or pelvic pain, so I've had to insist on having urinalysis because the doctors didn't think that was the issue. All that to say I guess it's possible I could have had mild symptoms before but I don't think so. I have never noticed any lesions or anything on any partners, nor has anyone ever said anything about having issues that would have sounded like herpes. My last boyfriend and I were together five years and broke up this summer. It wasn't a bad relationship but it wasn't good for me emotionally and I never knew where I stood with him. Sorry that was a lot in answer. Im feeling introspective and thinking a lot about my choices and feeling very vulnerable at the moment.

Link to comment

I have to wonder if those symptoms, were actually H. H can shoe in very atypical ways. Did you happen to deal w anything stresswrifht before this ob, illness, no sleep, etc?

 

I know how you feel and I'm sorry you're going through w this. What I can tell you is, that this feeling won't last. I can only imagine how insecure you must feel about your partner at this point, but he seems to be handling it well and already emotionally invested in you,so I wouldn't worry about it. Just ask @gotwhat ,his ex lied to him and he still stayed w her and felt H wasn't a big deal.

 

Have you never felt muscle soreness or aches in your buttock, back of legs and even yes, lower back pain can happen too? Even pain in knees can happen.

 

No, ease feel free to rant as much as you want, that's what this is for. You can also feel free to pm me I'd you ever need to chat as well, so don't apologize.

Link to comment

Arty..... If your new boyfriend has cold sores he has herpes. If he performed oral on you he exposed you to hsv 1 down below. There is probably some debate in this community about the obligation to disclose cold sores but that doesn't change the fact that you have been exposed to it by him.

Link to comment

@2legit... Sleep is an elusive thing for me and as a social worker and single mom with two kids-one of whom is very high maintenance-stress is the usual for me. The more I read and now that I think about it, about a year ago I had an occasional burning pain at my tail bone. Didn't happen all the time, and didn't last long, but was annoying and painful when it happened. Still feel it occasionally but it's not as bad. I've also had a few times that my lady bits have been numb after sitting for some time. I told my gyn at my annual that intercourse feels different but I didn't really know how. When she tried to have me pinpoint how, I think it's feeling like there's less sensation. The pain from my tailbone was definitely from a nerve but didn't go down my legs although around the same time I had sciatic pain for about a week that when it hit made me unable to walk just for a few minutes, then it would subside and come back intermittently. I have some arthritis in my back and knees from a car accident many years ago, so aches there wouldn't be out of the ordinary for me. Could these be symptoms of H?

 

Yes, I'm feeling really insecure right now! Thanks for the support. This site has so much more information than anywhere else and I appreciate the stories so I don't feel so alone! My guy and I have talked more and although he's still not ready to sleep with me again, I think he might stick around.

 

@GotWhat: I think he understands that. Since he's had a number of cold sores since I met him, there hasn't been a whole lot of that happening. :(

 

Link to comment

You said he tried to relate to you when he said "he has cold sores." Sounds to me that he may have hsv1. I hope you guys do get a chance to talk more at length about this. Sounds like youre very worried about your Dx (understandable) but "cold sores" are hsv1. Perhaps he should get tested too for hsv2. I hope the relationship does work out but in the end, its best to carry yourself with dignity and authenticity. And if he was trying to relate to you with what he goes thru with his "cokd sores" it sounds to me like doesnt care too much about the hsv2 diagnosis. Just keep the communication lines open and be honest. :-)

Link to comment

2legit: I never would have put those things together before but it definitely makes sense. I'm sorry you experience that too because nerve pain is awful!

 

tNd:Yes, we talked about how they are the same virus just show up in different places. I think it's the place where mine might show up at any time is the issue-ha! He is going to get tested just to know.

 

Thanks so much for all of the information and encouragement! This site has been really helpful the last couple of weeks. I am sure things will end up fine-today is the first day I believe it. I love the "dignity and authenticity." I wish to have both in all areas of my life.

Link to comment

Why? His kral herpes could be spread to any person genitals he does oral sex on? He doesn't get to think he has "Herpes Light", because it's on his mouth and not his genitals. He's got HERPES. End if story. I told care what type or where it's at. HE HAA HERPES. So I normally wouldn't necessarily recommend this link, because she's still negative and bitter, but I think for people who think they're different than us, because it's on their mouth vs our genitals, really need to read this article so they can get a reality check. Please have your bf read this please.

 

 

http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/a50139/cold-sores-are-herpes-too/

Link to comment

Thank you--I will definitely share with him! For now I'm crying and snuggling with my dogs who don't care a thing about my private parts, my diagnosis, or anything other than getting their bellies rubbed. I'm hoping my guy will go get tested right away, but he hasn't mentioned it, and I don't want to bring it up. I know he wants to spend time with me, but I also know he's thinking about the big H if we get too close, and am wondering how long it's gonna take for him to realize I haven't changed any! And yes, even if he already has oral herpes, he is a man, and every one I've known is pretty protective of his favorite parts. :) Yesterday was a better day and I was able to think about other things, be productive at work, and laugh with my friends and had a great time with my kids. Today was a down day and I was even wondering if I should tell my ex about my diagnosis. Was thinking of him especially because he texted me out of the blue--while his new girlfriend was at his house. What a shady thing to do. Since he wasn't being honest with me or her, it makes me think that he lied about other things, and now I'm convinced, however irrationally, that he's where I got this and I want to ruin his week too. I also think he ought to know, so someone else doesn't get it if he has it. Even though I have moved on from the relationship and am seeing someone else who is much better for me, it makes me angry that when we broke things off, he said he needed to work on himself and couldn't be in a relationship (not just with me but with anyone) because of his "issues" and now he's seeing someone (who happens to look very much like me-weird!) while I'm floundering around feeling distracted and incredibly vulnerable and insecure, trying to figure out if I can handle having a relationship with anyone, including the one with whom things were going so well a couple weeks ago. So at the moment I'm pissed at the old guy, the new guy, and life in general. Regardless of what I've read-and even believe-that this whole herpes thing is basically just an annoying skin problem that may or may not flare up again anytime soon, I know how it is perceived by so many, and I don't want to be viewed as dirty or damaged, or feel as though someone will put herpes at the top of a cons list to compare against the pros to be with me.

Link to comment

Your ex sounds like a pig and you should kick him to the curb. Do you know if your ex ever cheated on you or suspected of it?

 

Also, are you experiencing chnage of life right now, as that could have been what triggered this for you and why you were asymptomatic until recently. Your current guy definitely should get tested though, as it will give you a better idea where it may have come from. It's just too soon to have tested positive already and w a number that high. It takes 3 months minimum, to have a detectable value if .90-1.10... So it seems likely you had this all along.

 

It's normal to feel the way you do now, just be patient w yourself. Listen, I've been rejected for having hypothyroidism, I hadn't even told him about my other autoimmune diseases or H. Is being rejected for hypothyroidism any different than being rejected for H to you? There are just superficial people out there and they're not in it for the long haul, if they reject you for H, trust me. See it all the time in here.

Link to comment
  • 4 weeks later...

Didn't realize I never posted this from quite awhile ago...

 

I never had any reason to think he was cheating. Always thought he was a decent guy, just emotionally constipated. I even talked to him a few weeks ago to ask about herpes and his answer was no. He said he had just been tested "for everything " at his recent doctor appointment and was negative for all. I'm not sure about the menopause thing. I have the symptom of difficulty sleeping but not so much the other symptoms. I haven't had periods for a couple years since I had an endometrial ablation.

 

I think I will remind him about getting tested this weekend. I don't see him as shallow, just think he needs education. I'm still not sure what the numbers mean...most of the things I've found to read just say anything greater than 1 is a definite positive.

 

Any reason to be rejected is awful. I'm sorry that happened to you! I guess anything that could be seen as a challenge, barrier, weakness or whatever definitely brings out the true character of both parties. I'm hoping I'm right about the stand-up character of this guy.

 

Update: Frustation abounds. He's still afraid to be have sex. We were close once and he just couldn't. I took it as total rejection of myself, not just sexually. We talked about it after and even though I was hurt and angry we joked about othe awkwardness of the situation and shared feelings and I was hoping it was a step forward. He still hasn't been tested, says it's no use until four months from the time I had symptoms. He said if it's positive then it won't matter but the way he worded things made it seem like if it was negative he would move on. If that's the case I would definitely rather end it now. I'm trying to be patient-I know it takes time to digest this, but it's not like he could be getting HIV that could kill him. And he already has HSV1. I reminded him it's the same virus and skin anywhere on the body is just skin. have given him tons of information, and he is still freaked out about it. Its clear that he has fairly strong feelings for me and we just enjoy spending time together, but the longer this is hanging between us the more I want to shut down and the more disappointed and angry I am at myself for letting my guard down. I'm beginning to resent him for being so obtuse. I would like to send him to this site to get more information to ease his mind but I don't want him to read this thread; he would definitely recognize the details...

Link to comment

Well the full STD panel actually doesn't include herpes. If he didn't specifically request for a herpes test, he would not have been out in for it. I'd ask him to review his tests and see if H was in there.

 

Not everyone will obvious menopausal symptoms, but it doesn't mean the hormones aren't changing in your body and possibly be the trigger for your OB.

 

That's not true that it's not worth him being tested. He can't be sure he wasn't the carrier. He should be tested now. Especially being that he may bolt if he's negative, it's better that you know now, before you get more emotionally invested 4 mo ths down the line. Did you have him read that article about HSV 1 and how it is no different than HSV 2? It really bothers me when people are audacious enough, to think and feel that their oral infection, is any different than someone who has it down there. Herpes is herpes and his HSV 1 is a lot more versatile in where it can spread than HSV 2. Sounds like he needs a reality check.

 

If it would help and you don't want him in this site to read this, I can om you my personal email for him to ask me questions. If he's worried about identity, tell him to make another email account, w a fake name to put him at ease. Check your inbox for my email.

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...