On Rejecting Yourself

[S123]

I'm a 19 year old female, who has had HSV1 for a little over year. I have disclosed to two close friends, and one partner, all of which I got various levels of good responses from. Initially, I was devastated when I found out I had contracted herpes. It took a lot of research, crying, and feeling sorry for myself to get out of the rut. I had accepted it quickly, or so I thought. Every time the word would come up or someone would make a joke or comment about it, which I can say happened a lot more after diagnosis than post-diagnosis, it would emotionally destroy me. Countless times I came home crying because someones comment made me feel worthless again. Nevertheless, I'm realizing it wasn't so much their comments as it was my own personal hidden feelings about my diagnosis. I had never emotionally accepted it. Intellectually, I knew it was not a big deal. However, already suffering from previous spouts of depression, emotionally I was extremely unstable about it.

 

Fast forward to my disclosures. I disclosed to my best friend during the time of diagnosis. This is because she was who I talked to when I first started showing symptoms. When I found out it was herpes, I ignored everyone. She did not allow it. She called me and forced me to tell her. Once I did, she simply said so. I was fighting back tears. She said it wasn't a big deal and that she gets cold sores all the time. Her boyfriend also has had cold sores. She told me I was over-exaggerating. Which honestly down played the emotional tole that diagnosis has on someone because cold sores are not stigmatized as much as genital herpes. Although I had the same virus as her, I knew my experience would be different. Nevertheless, her support made me feel better.

 

My second disclosure was to my roommate at the time, who had also became a best friend. I came home sobbing, from a night out with friends. One of my close friends made a herpes joke about a girl that she disliked. This was 3 weeks after my diagnosis. I held my response in, attempting to hide that I actually did have herpes (because I assumed everyone would reject). Nevertheless, when I got home I broke down. She forced me to tell her what was wrong and again, in tears I confided in her. She has been a great source of support, also telling me it wasn't a big deal. However, she has made a few comments which inferred the opposite. This set me back mentally about whether or not I could truly tell friends. I felt like she wanted to be supportive, and positive, because it was me, and she loves me. Nevertheless, some of her true feelings weren't what she was saying. This is how I interpreted things; but again. I was rejecting myself.

 

My disclosure to a romantic partner was simple. I told him I carried the virus for cold sores, it was unlikely he would catch it...etc. Nevertheless, I disclosed like it was a confession, and like I was scared that he would reject me. I didn't even look him in the eyes, but was turned away from him. He didn't exactly care, and we had sex anyway. It was meant to be purely casual and I felt very good about it the next morning. However, he made a comment that also hurt my feelings. It felt like rejection, and in hindsight was in fact very insensitive of him. I had asked if he missed me and his response was "not if you gave me a cold sore. haha" I didn't laugh, obviously. It also really hurt my feelings. I confided in him, and I quickly realized that his positive response wasn't because he was very interested in me, or trusted me. I had the idea that anyone that accepts this must be IN TO you, but that's not the case. He accepted it but it was only because of how badly he wanted to get INTO me.

 

So, unfortunately, I went into a long time of ignoring herpes all together. I didn't disclose and didn't discuss it with my friends anymore. In fact, I even forgot I had it until someone made a comment about herpes and I felt rejected all over again. The problem with this was that all of my relationships from there on felt halfway done. I allowed my friends to make comments that were ignorant, and hurt my feelings, and I never said anything because a part of me felt like it would be instant rejection. The truth is, it's not others refusing to accept me, or love me. It's me refusing to accept or love myself. I reject myself before others have the chance to. I constantly feel myself not pursuing guys because I feel like they won't respond well to herpes. I feel myself avoiding conversations that I need to have, because I don't want to feel the negative feelings associated. I even skipped a sociology class because we were studying the stigmatization of having an STD, and felt like everyone in class would know. (How silly.)

 

***The moral of this entire post, and feel free to skip to this part because the rest was a lot of back story:

 

Nobody will accept you if you don't accept yourself. Your friends can offer great support, but they will not be there every day to hold your hands. This is a journey that you have to take alone. Before you can disclose to someone else, you must disclose to yourself. I mean this in the sense of allowing yourself to see the facts, and EMOTIONALLY accepting it. I accepted things intellectually, but not emotionally. This simply led to me losing confidence and rejecting myself before anyone else had the chance to do so. Do not sell yourself short. Everything that you believed you deserved before herpes, is still what you deserve now. Before disclosing, remember, you will be okay regardless of their response; positive or negative. The key, as I am learning, is to accept yourself first.

[sanngrior]

Self acceptance is definitely a big part of life, not only with herpes but with all aspects of ourselves.

 

I do want to tell you that with time, it gets better. I have a friend who I'm pretty sure knows I have herpes. He lived with my ex boyfriend who I disclosed to, who probably told him (pretty shitty of him I think, but I don't feel embarrassed). So my friend will make comments about herpes occasionally, more than I think would come up if he weren't hinting that he knew.

 

When I originally found out, comments like this would have devastated me. I probably would have gone home and cried about it. But now, being more self accepting and confident, I respond in a way to try to get him to think about what he's saying instead of accepting defeat. I say things like "getting herpes only takes getting unlucky once" or "you know, I've had cold sores since I was a kid, its the same virus and really isn't a big deal." Generally it stops him in his tracks. I don't owe it to him to disclose, but I owe it to myself to not feel shitty about it or accept his shitty comments. And you know, its kind of a dumb thing for him to do, but otherwise he's a great friend. He has no idea what its like, and I hope he never does. But I'm not going to label him a terrible person because of it.

[WCSDancer2010]

I tell people all the time: Herpes often acts like a magnifying glass on our self perceptions that were there all along. Many, if not most, of us have *some* insecurities around ourselves.... and Herpes can bring one of them out to a point where you can't ignore them any longer. So in a way, we can be thankful for the "opportunity" to face those demons, exorcise them, and live a much happier and more fulfilled life that we would have otherwise.

 

Good for you for realizing that you were "rejecting" yourself. What an "Aha" moment that must have been!

 

And yes, while I say that H will show you who was wanting to get INTO you rather than into YOU, there WILL be those who will get INTO you anyway, because the wrong head is leading their actions. Brings definition to the word "Dickheads".... LOL .... but you know what? People will do that anyway..... you tell them you have kids. They don't want kids. They f*ck you anyway and THEN let you know that's a deal breaker for them.

 

People are often so driven by their sexual needs they forget how their actions can be hurtful for others. We just have to hone our "pickers" to spot them earlier through having deep, heartfelt conversations and really LISTENING to their answers. Because on our end, odds are something was said somewhere that we (unwittingly) chose to ignore that would tell us that we need to get an honest answer from them about their feelings around something that might be a deal breaker for them.

 

(((HUGS)))

[2Legit2Quit]

You're doing an amazing job and am do proud that you've come to this conclusion an are as introspective as you are especially at your age. PEOPLE die, never reaching the depths of self observation as you have, so you really do have a head start in life already. I heard my first herpes joke after getting it a month after getting it. We were at a party and I was there w a friend who has it. We both looked over at one another out I'd the corner of our eyesz to make sure they handled the joke ok... Hahaha.. She was worried about me and I was worried about her, when she had it for 8yrs already at that point. I was surprised how well I handled it, everyone was laughing and I just continued asking him about his trip.

 

Unfortunately, you're very young and your friend's will joke about stupid shit more frequently, like STDs, than older people. W that said, I was 33 then 34 now and this guy who made the joke was in his f'ing 50s! Like I said it becomes less the butt of jokes w age. Hang in there, you got this!

[S123]

I don't owe it to him to disclose, but I owe it to myself to not feel shitty about it or accept his shitty comments.

 

THIS! This is what I need to constantly remind myself, in regards to my friends. Thank you :)

@sanngrior

[S123]

@WCSDancer2010 Yes, in general he was a very wishy washy man. Would say we needed to go on a date, it would never happen. Would confess having deep feelings for me, wouldn't act on them. Would say herpes wasn't a big deal, then make a comment about not being okay with possibly getting it. Even after that we remained in contact and finally he had planned to spend a week with me before our semesters started and he never showed up. Go figure.

 

But yes, it really has magnified my real fears of rejection, self-esteem, confidence, and relationship issues. Even if this is not something that someone ideally wants to deal with in a relationship, the rest of me may be exactly what they are looking for. Everyone has their baggage, it just takes the right person to accept whatever it is :)

[S123]

@2Legit2Quit Thank you! Yes, one of my friend's comments are actually ironic. There's this guy that I have already slept with post diagnosis and she makes comments about me getting in a relationship with him before he catches herpes (due to him being so attractive and the school he is at). It's an awful thing for her to say, and infers that if he had herpes he would be ineligible to date (which of course I take personally every time she says it). But it's mainly ironic because..I can't catch what I already have.

 

Herpes jokes are inescapable though. I've even heard them on television. I just need to realize that it's an inconsiderate joke at herpes and not at me, or millions of other people, for having it.

[2Legit2Quit]

You should call her out and ask her of she's ever had a cold sore or kissed someone who gets them and ask her why she seems to think it's OK to judge someone like that. As she may find herself in that position one day. I have two friends who just discussing herpes, then having no idea I have it, say eeeww... I dunno why I don't get upset by people making jokes or comments like that. I just don't.. Have to learn to make fun of yourself. Watxh this video, it's pretty funny and shows you it's OK to laugh at having H.

 

 

https://youtu.be/8pVB0PfzdrY

[S123]

@2Legit2Quit that's the other ironic thing. she's had cold sores ever since she was little. She's more likely to give someone genital herpes from giving them head than I am from sleeping with them, seeing as how I have HSV1, but "genital herpes is gross." I've tried to correct her see that they're virtually the same and it helped for a little while but she still makes mindless comments. Thanks for the video!

[2Legit2Quit]

@s123 I am so not surprised. I have the same convo over and over w my neighbor like a broken record and she loves to add how she got it as a kid. And? It's still herpes. You need to share this article w your friend, so she can get a bit if a reality check. Sometimes you just have to recognize, that you can't fix stupid.

http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/a50139/cold-sores-are-herpes-too/

[WCSDancer2010]

But yes, it really has magnified my real fears of rejection, self-esteem, confidence, and relationship issues. Even if this is not something that someone ideally wants to deal with in a relationship, the rest of me may be exactly what they are looking for. Everyone has their baggage, it just takes the right person to accept whatever it is :)

 

Maybe the rest of you is what HE wants, but is HE what YOU really want? A wishy washy, indecisive, uncommunicative guy who you will never quite know where he's at?

 

Read all the Success Stories that you can. You will see that when a man is REALLY into YOU, neither Herpes, Wild Horses, or major catastrophes won't stop them from pursuing you :)