I think the disclosure talk is approaching...can't breathe!

[breathe123]

Hello friends,

 

I have been talking to an amazing man. He's 7 years younger than I am (I'm 27) and he's one of the kindest most amazing guys I've met in a long time. I was uneasy about dating him initially because he's so much younger than I am, but he wore me down and I decided to give it a shot. I found out I tested positive for HSV2 about three weeks ago. He and I haven't done anything outside of kissing... We talk every day (he's in Nevada away at college...he plays college football), FaceTime often and talk on the phone. He's coming to visit in March for about a week and I'm starting to get mortified. I can feel myself wanting to just shun him to avoid the conversation I have to have. I keep thinking why would he want to date me after finding this out? He's young, successful and he has so much going for him (not to say I don't because I'm proud of my many achievements). He says things like "I'm so happy I met you", "you're so easy to talk to" and making plans and dates for the summer. It really makes this so hard! I'm not sure if I should tell him in march or wait until the summer. I want to cry!!!! I've never been the promiscuous type. I've been with only a few guys and of course this is an ego bruiser! Should I disclose in March? Or wait until June when I have more confidence? Any and all advice is accepted. Success stories/how to's, etc. thank you all so much, I'm thank you for each of you.

 

Much love always!

 

<3

[breathe123]

Oh and by the way... He did mention to me that he is germaphobic... which makes this even worse!!! I just stared off into space when he said it..I was thinking, "GREAT!!!"

[2Legit2Quit]

One lesson I've learned several times and it only took me one time to get it w someone ibwas dating, but then a lot more w the second person is, it is not worth stressing over. Is womeb romanticize so much, before it even happens! We assume itsteven going to get far along enough, to where we do disclose. Usually between week 3-4, you uncover compatibility issues. Unfortunately the distances between you two, may make those take longer to be exposed, because you don't see each other as much, so you get caught up in the excitement and anticipation of seeing one another. March is a month away.. Take a deep breath, stop the thought's repeating and tell yourself to see where you're at in March, if you even make it there. The guy I was just talking w, I didn't sweat it one bit and after a month, it became clear to me he was just an amazing sweet talker and I ended things last night. When it seems too good to be true, it is. I stressed so bad the first time and in 3 weeks it was done. Second time I was more lax, but still thought about it often and even tried pushing him away. That second time taught me what a waste it was to stress it. Don't out the cart before the horse.

[breathe123]

@2legit2quit thank you for the reality check! You're actually right... I need to take things one step at a time. I should focus on IF I even like him and care about him enough to expose my heart and share this personal thing about me. I will slow down and not romanticize it.... That's very hard because I tend to do that! Have you dated long term since your diagnoses?

[2Legit2Quit]

I have dated 3 guys since my diagnosis adn all of them turned out to be douche canoes and not a good fit for me, which is why I don't stress it. I didn't stress it at all this last guy I was talking to for a month, because I saw how the last two were a complete waste. I have also disclosed twice and both were accepting with two other guys. One was an old flame that I ran into, two years later and he accepted it. The guy I was just talking with apparently has a female friend with H and I asked if that was a deal breaker for him and he said no, but with a caveat to it: That it would have to be someone with long term potentioal and not just a hoookup to take the risk. My best guy friend was married for 7yrs to someone with H who never took meds or used protection and never got H. I asked him when I got H, if he would ever date anyone with H (his ex actuall lied to him and broke down crying 3yrs in and told him) again after all that and he said yeah, he wouldn't care.

 

What chic doesn't romanticize? We all do... You can thank Hollywood for that. Cheers!

[WCSDancer2010]

Just to let you know... I've had two 3 year relationships after my divorce (I've had H since 17 but didn't get properly diagnosed till I was married and had passed it to my husband.... but we still had 20 GOOD years together)..... and several men who would have been ok with it but, as @2legit2quit said, compatibility issues were bigger than H and were the cause of the end of the relationship.

 

I suggest that you read all the Success Stories that you can because you will get a good feel for how and when people disclose and the fact that H will show you who this person REALLY is .... not that they are "bad" if they choose to not be with you, but HOW they deal with the disclosure tells you a lot. AND, read the links below .... you need a reality check about "deal breakers" ... because H certainly isn't the only Deal Breaker out there.... and deal breakers are not a reflection on YOU - it's something that the other person CHOOSES to put as a priority in their relationships .... for me, I won't date a guy with non-adult kids any more. I'm 54 and mine are grown. I've had guys with kids try to talk me into dating them and had them take it personally when I said it's not what *I* want in my life. Those kids may be the nicest kids out there .... *I* just don't want to deal with that any more... I want someone who is ready to drop whatever and do whatever we want when we want and I don't need Teen Drama in my life. Understand?

 

http://projectaccept.org/who-gets-hsv/

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/using-herpes-as-your-wingman/

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/5897/my-first-disclosure-story#latest Wingman example

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3309/successful-herpes-disclosure-but-not-for-the-reasons-you-might-think (Herpes Wingman example Mazedaze818 )

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/6347/my-disclosure-story 2 very different reactions … but both are “successful” in their own ways :)

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/disclosure-its-not-just-about-herpes/

 

http://www.match.com/magazine/article/4010/I-Have-a-Secret-How-to-Reveal-It-To-Your-Date/

 

When to have the H talk Adrial

 

Herpes as a relationship filter Adrial

 

[2Legit2Quit]

Yup, I've had guys get offended that I don't want to date anyone w kids and tell me I'm superficial and selfish because of that. We all have our deal breakers. My hypothyroidism was a deal breaker for a guy. We all have our deal breakers, just because H may be one for someone, doesn't mean it's a reflection of you. I'd take it more personally if they rejected me over something they didn't like about my personality, than over H.

[breathe123]

@2legit2quit @WCSdancer2010 thank you both so much! I really love this community. I feel like we're one big happy family, lol. You're both absolutely correct. He and I have continued talking...he's brought up sex a few times and I act my normal self...I don't usually rush into sex in any relationship so... I'm not too worried about turning him down if he tries it, lol. Anyway, I've decided I'm not going to share until I feel in my heart i'm ready to disclose something so intimate to him. I've made this about him the entire time...I forget I have to accept him (compatibility, etc.) as well...so thank you both! I'll let you know how the dinner date goes in March anyway and if I feel the need to disclose in the future. I lost $180 to him this weekend over the stupid Super Bowl bet...i almost cut him off after that because i thought he'd be a gentlemen and tell me to keep my money, hahaha...he didn't... we'll see if we make it to March. Much love! xoxo

[Sayyywhatt]

Ihave lots of stories ican tell you about disclosing weather it be for dating purposes or hook ups...Iused to feel like you have but after awhile of having to do it I realize that it's not the end of the world and if he can't accept that Ihave it and accept me for it then he isn't worth my time or deserves me. It's a skin condition that can flare up once in awhile and best advice to give him is tell him your story of getting it and then tell him how you control your outbreaks. Me personally I've had it since 2012 and got OB back to back for the first year and bam haven't had any OB till a month ago ihad a mini one but ilet the know I take care of myself and I'm honest when I tell them I've passed it to two people the entire time honesty is the best policy. If he doesn't accept you for it then do know there are other fishes in the sea and you'll find your nemo it'll all work out how it's supposed to. You can always PM message me if you have anymore questions or want to talk but iwould suggest doing it sooner than later it will relive your stress on it ipromise and if you wait any longer and he reacts negatively your feelings and emotions are supper invested and it'll hurt way worse (been in that situation before)

[breathe123]

@sayywhatt you think disclosing earlier is better? Wow... well I'm not sure yet. I'm going to have to feel this thing out. Since we are long distance, I will check our vibe around each other, etc when we're together and make the decision. I really feel its best to wait and see if he's worth telling...I appreciate your input and I will definitely be using you as my PM buddy if it's okay. Thanks so much for all of your input. :)

[2Legit2Quit]

I think you have to do what work's best for you. We've had people disclose immediately back to back w new dates and were rejected and then some weren't. For me personally, I don't feel it beat for myself to disclose any earlier than a month at a minimum.

[Sayyywhatt]

@breath123 for sure you can totally PM me but I wish you the best you ultimately will know when the timing is right

[breathe123]

@2Legit2Quit, @Sayywhatt hey you guys! Sorry it's been a minute. I was taking a break from the site as I was visiting every single day and I needed to normalize my life and not think about this so much. My guy and I are still talking. He's such a sweetheart. He's coming to visit in May. He actually didn't end up coming this month because of football... He's starting to tell me how much he likes me, misses me, and can't wait to see me. It's making me nauseous because honestly I feel the same way but i've put a wall up to avoid having to have the talk. I don't plan to sleep with him so...the talk isn't necessary right now. He did say he isn't interested in anything serious right now (as he is in college and doesn't have much to offer a woman right now) so I figure i'll hold off until he's at least wanting to date me...then i'll break it to him. I was doing fine for a while...but today has been hard and emotional. I want to get into a corner and cry!!! I text my ex to see if he ever went and got tested and he still hasn't...not sure why..Anyway. I am still in awe this has happened to me. I'm scared to DEATH that my new guy is going to run for the hills when i tell him. That would literally crush my spirit. My mom has been supportive but she did tell me when she sees me she sometimes thinks about it and it makes her sad. That made me feel even worse. I plan to tell my little sister this weekend as practice to see how she handles it and how i disclose of it. This guy is truly amazing and I just can't imagine sitting down and telling him this. He tells me often he can't believe he is talking to me still...and how amazing I am. Every time he says it I want to scream and cry... if he only knew... :( I'm sad today...but I know the sun will shine tomorrow. Thanks for the kind words and words of encouragement! Love y'all!