Diagnosed in December

[K75]

Hello. I am not sure where to start. I am happily married to an amazing man. We have been married for just over a year. He works overseas, so our together time is limited. However, we talk daily and have always been open and honest about everything. Or so I thought. He was very up front with me that he had cold sores. He forgot to mention that he had given himself GH by masturbating with his own saliva during an OB. I am assuming this is possible. In November, we went on vacation. Since we had been apart for the past four months, we had pretty passionate, fairly rough sex. I tore pretty bad. It took weeks to heal. When I was feeling better and we were at our home, I approached him and he said he couldn't. I was a bit confused and asked him why we couldn't have sex if he was having an OB, instead of just not kiss? He casually said that the OB was not oral. I went into shock. I started questioning him. He swore he told me. I assure you, he did not. He apologized profusely. He assured me he would be there for me. I would hope he would be there for me since he had potentially given it to me. I had no symptoms. But, I messaged our doctor who called in a blood test. A few days later, I called the hospital and got the results. The girl was very pleasant, until she looked up my test. She told me to call my doctor. I asked again. Very disgusted, she gave me the results...negative HSV1...positive HSV2 and hung up. I was mortified. I had foot surgery the next day and my husband left for work several days later. I couldn't stop obsessing. Months passed. No OB. No signs of anything. However, I have severe hormonal imbalances, chronic pain, several health issues, a great deal of stress, and a toddler at home. It is no wonder that last week, I started feeling unwell. Then suddenly I had a painful sensation in the exact spot that I had torn so bad months before. The next three days were excruciating. The physical pain was worse than I could have ever imagined. I didn't sleep for days. Suddenly, I found myself overwhelmed with past traumas. It is as though the OB triggered something equally as emotionally painful. I couldn't even look at my husband when he called on FaceTime. I scoured the internet for any ideas to relieve the pain. I tried them all with no relief. I felt angry and resentful. The first night had been so bad that I found myself staring at the loaded gun in the closet.

 

Today, I felt a little better. I went to an appointment, hung out with a friend, and picked up my little one from daycare and went shopping. When my husband called, I happily answered. A few minutes into the conversation, I asked him how he dealt with having H so easily. He said that he just accepted it because there was nothing he could do except take care of himself. Suddenly, I unloaded on him with questions. I asked him if he had ever though about how this might impact me. Or if he had given any consideration to the risk of infection. I asked him how he could not know that it was possible to transmit H when he wasn't having an outbreak. I remember that from 8th grade health class. He said that he didn't know. He said he thought he was taking precautions and that, like his cold sores, he would only be contagious during an OB. I found this hard to believe, with him being a medical professional. He said he was ignorant. He apologized for about the two hundredth time. He told me he was there for me. It somehow felt like a slap in the face. He gave me this awful virus and now I was supposed to find comfort in the fact that he would still be there for me? I asked him how he would feel if the shoe was on the other foot. He said he would take any risk and accept any disease I passed on. Yet, he has no idea how bad it is for me. He really doesn't understand. I knew the risks, but had never been given the opportunity to protect myself. Maybe I would still have contracted it...but at least I would have had a choice. Of course, I would not have ended it if he had told me. I love him with all of me. I know he loves me too. I want to get past this. I just feel like he didn't protect me. I feel like he was the one man I was supposed to trust and that he would always keep me safe, but I wasn't safe. The ignorance that he claimed was responsible for the pain I was experiencing. The fear that this was going to be my reality for God knows how long, that is what is crippling me. I am afraid that because I have a lot of stressful things coming up, I will just have one OB after another. I feel like a ticking time bomb.

 

I am sorry for rambling on and on. I tried to condense it. I want to forgive my husband. I want to be understanding. I want to move forward. I want to, but don't know how. He is coming home in a month for three weeks and I don't want to waste our precious time together being upset. I really am trying. I feel very alone. Any advice?

[optimist]

@K75 I think it's normal for you to feel angry right now, whether or not your husband knew he was putting you at risk. I think you need to let yourself feel angry as part of the normal grief process. Just my opinion.

 

I would not assume he knew better simply because he is a medical professional. My gynecologist gave me crappy information and I've heard many similar stories. Medical professionals are not immune from the ignorance surrounding this. It's been my impression that the medical community is focused on treating symptoms, not reducing transmission. Again, just my opinion.

 

I'm sorry to hear you're going through this and hope your husband will be understanding in giving you the time you need to experience this very normal part of the process.

[2Legit2Quit]

Wow that is a crazy story. No, he did not give himself genital herpes through masturbation since it's HSV 2.

 

Your story about tearing bad and taking a long time to heal, told me immediately, that was likely due to Herpes, so I wasn't surprised after I read more and saw that you came up positive.

 

We just had a married woman w kids on here recently, that found out her husband had herpes, from finding his medication bottle. I am so sorry, I can imagine how angry you are and You have every right to feel that way.

 

I'm going to find that link of the other female I referenced and I want you to go through the exercise I gave her, so you can get some clarity in this. Then come back and let me know how you feel. Hugs!

https://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/7525/im-beyond-hurt#latest

[2Legit2Quit]

And hun, your recurrents won't be that bad. Just get in daily suppressive meds at least for 6-12 months and then see how your body does.

[K75]

Thank you, @2Legit2Quit and @optimist, for responding. Is it possible that my husband's cold sores are actually from HSV2? Or does he likely have both? I had the blood tests, he didn't. I am still in shock and embarrassed about this. I know it's not as big of an issue as I feel like at the moment. Someone very close to me contracted HSV2 when I was young and I watched it destroy them. She was never the same at all. It has been my fear since that I would become her some day. So this is truly a nightmare for me emotionally. My husband is a wreck. He just keeps apologizing. I told him to stop because it's not what I need. He asked what I need from him, and I had no response. I guess I need him to listen to my rants and stop acting like he understands how I am feeling because it's different for me than it was for him. He said his initial OB was minor. Mine was debilitating. I have more going on now in my head than I do down below now. The doctor said to just take the meds when I have an OB not all the time. I want it to be suppressed, not just wait for this to happen again and again. I haven't told my other primary Doctor yet. I didn't want it in the list of my medical issues so that I become that woman they look down on. I was treated that way at the hospital lab already, like trash.

[K75]

@2Legit2Quit, I read your advice to the woman who found her husband's meds. The questions you told her to ask herself about him were very helpful. My husband is an amazing husband and father. I've been married before (more than once), to cheaters and abusers. I felt the same way she does about not being given the choice. The betrayal is a difficult thing to cope with. My first reaction was that I wish he'd cheated instead. I still kind of do. That's likely due to the fact that I do have it....and I am in the midst of my first OB. I think I am doing better and then when he calls, I lose it again. He's overseas 10 months of this year, so we don't really have the ability to go to counseling. He looks more afraid of losing me now than he probably was when he chose not to tell me. Part of me want to tell him it is ok and we are fine...but Te other part is angry and for the first time in our relationship, doubting things. I am going through a great deal of loss in my life, unrelated to this and it is all compounding. I appreciate this group so much, as it has already helped me tremendously.

[2Legit2Quit]

Statistics say that oral HSV 2 is pretty rare and I'm not sure if I believe it's as rare as stated, but the current statistics are all we have to go off of. I do know it's no where close to being as common orally as HSV 1. So the likely hood he had orak hsv2 isn't really in his favor for his story he told you, but coukd be a possibility. I think it's more likely that he may have kept it from you all this time, out if fear of rejection and disclosure. How long have you two been together?

 

What you need from him. Is to be stoic. Him apologizing to you probably doesn't feel like what you need, because you want and need someone to be strong for you right now, not you be the validation and strength to soothe his guilt so to speak. One thing men don't understand is, women need to vent their shit out loud and we're not necessarily looking for a pity party or a solution. We just want a listening ear and men don't get this. They don't like to go over and over something, w out working a solution into the problem. So they don't realize, that you just need to vent. So tell Jim that. Tell him you need him to listen and empathize, that women need to vent and it doesn't mean we are looking for a solution.

 

 

There definitely is a possibility he has both, but you won't know unless he gets tested.

 

I'm so sorry... I wihs I coukd give you a hug. You're not trash and you're not dirty. I felt that way at one time too and I don't anymore. Listen, my recurrents have just been a single bump or two. No pain what so ever. If I didn't go looking for touching, I'd not know they are there and I have very frequent symptoms. They don't hinder me at all from doing activities I may want to participate in. So get that fear out of your head, that this is how it'll be every time, because it won't.

[K75]

@2Legit2Quit, you are a blessing. To answer your question, we have been together for just over two years. I have known him for ten. We were both married before and went our separate paths until he was home on leave from his job and we met to catch up. We may be apart a lot, but we talk more than all of my other relationships combined. In the very beginning, he had told me he was unavailable emotionally, even though we had sex the night before he went back to Afghanistan. I knew we were meant to be together. He did leave out the fact that he sort of had a girlfriend. They went on vacation (pre planned and paid for prior to us) a month later. He casually mentioned her name later, not realizing he hadn't told me she was going to Jamaica with him. They broke it off in the trip. Soon after, he told me that he wanted to be with me and knew it that night before he left. He has doted on me since. I understood why he didn't mention her, as I would have likely walked away in the beginning. So, I guess I kind of understand why he didn't tell me about this.

 

One thing I have to say is that my husband has the biggest heart I've ever known. He is also EXTREMELY dense. Don't get me wrong, he's not stupid, but he is truly clueless. I am fairly intelligent, and an avid researcher. I look up everything. I have read all about herpes. He just last night read about it and its impact on women. He was twice as apologetic this morning. I know it sounds like he didn't disclose just out of fear (surely a factor), but out of ignorance that he thought he had been protecting me by abstaining when he felt an OB coming on. I believe he really was just uneducated and dense.

 

The feeling of trash is inner talk of mine, likely from past relationships. My ex told me several times that I was trash and my hysterectomy was punishment. He also told me it was probably something I did that caused me to get raped more than once when I was younger. I have lived my entire life overshadowed by shame. This was the absolute cherry on top.

 

You have helped me tremendously. I wish you lived nearby (or maybe you do lol) as I have long needed such amazing people in my life. This is the first moment that I have felt like something good can come of this. Thank you!!!!

[2Legit2Quit]

See!!??? You answered all your questions and concerns YOURSELF! I know it's a hard pill to swallow right now, but we're all going to fuck up and hurt someone in a relationship and some worse than others. It is inevitable.

 

I am a grade A pain in the ass, so forgiving those you love is very important to me, because I can be a lot to deal w at times! Lol.... Now, if he didn't feel remorse, I'd be concerned then and say that was a red flag, but he shows a lot of remorse, which shows he has a good conscious. Just like i told that other woman; is this something to ruin or lose something so incredible over? Is it worth it? Not in my opinion. Now if they were a shit bag, that would be a whole different story and had you told me he was, I'd told you to kick his ass to the curb! ;-)

 

I'll send ya a private msg, so you feel comfortable sharing location... I'll tell ya mine. So Afghanistan, he's either military or a gov contractor... I am ex both of those. :-). So I can probably relate even more to ya w that.

 

The amazing thing here, is you did something that most don't do and take years to ever realize, if they ever do. You actually recognized on your own, that this bad feeling, is more about your past insecurities and pain; not herpes. That's a great sign to me, that you'll move past this faster than most. Hang in there and hugs!

[WCSDancer2010]

@K75

 

Hello and Welcome!

 

So you got a lot of great advice already. From everything you have said, I'd guess your hubby truly believed he had HSV1 from mastrubating, and that he couldn't pass it on when not having an OB. We have GP's who STILL tell people that, and they are practicing MD's!

 

What I wanted to add was that I suggest that YOU go for counseling... given your past and now this, perhaps a little support and work on that inner voice you mentioned would be useful for both your own peace, and for your relationship. And maybe you could Facetime him into some of the sessions.

 

I'm sure that being so far away, and realizing what has happened and the impact on you, must be pretty devastating for him too.... noone *wants* to pass this on. (Well, not unless they are a psychopath!). Unfortunately there IS a lot of ignorance around this virus.... even in the medical field.

 

One other thing - please go to an OBGYN for your lady-bits and not your GP... GP stands for GENERAL Practitioner. Most are totally hopeless when it comes to Herpes (even though they may be supportive ... most seem to be out of date on their info). GP's should be used for basic, general health. Any "specialty" should be the realm of a Dr that deals with that issue every day. There's just too much info for a GP to stay on top of and Herpes is near the bottom of their list of things to prioritize, along with carbuncles and ingrown toenails. LOL

 

 

[K75]

Thank you, @WCSDancer2010! I think he truly believed that he gave it to himself. He said he'd gladly go get tested as soon as he came home next month. He's willing to go to counseling too. He's willing to do anything I need. Thanks to a link from @2Legit2quit, I really made progress today. I appreciate your help as well! I needed this. This group is the best thing that could have happened to me right now. I feel hopeful.

 

You're right about the GYN. Sadly, I still see one in Colorado. I usually go for my hormone implants 3 times a year. He's been my GYN for 15 years so I trust him completely. We are going to Colorado soon. I don't know why I didn't think to make an appointment with him! My Primary doc is internal medicine and doesn't even know. Neither does my endocrinologist, ENT, or neurologist. I didn't tell any of them. I am calling my GYN tomorrow and making an appointment. Thank you for smacking some sense into me! LOL. Plus, he's already been all up in there for numerous things and to remove all my parts. I shouldn't be embarrassed to see him. .