Please! How do I deal with possibly passing it orally? Can't sleep.

[Gimmehope]

Hello all. Can't tell you how grateful I am for this forum. Saving my life.

 

If anyone has words for me, I would so much appreciate it. I got diagnosed about a month ago and the outbreak was rather mild. This is lucky pain-wise but terrible for knowing when an outbreak is happening. Shortly after, I met an incredible man. We have had sex with condoms since then and he was OK with it, but is still processing. The other night, we had a bit too much wine and I let him go down on me without a dental dam. I don't know if it was the wine, or the feeling of being normal for a minute, but I didn't stop him. I could have sworn there was no outbreak but a few hours later, I felt something under his fingers and I knew. I don't know how I can live with myself if I pass it on to this incredible man. Haven't slept much. He's doing OK, denial probably and not thinking about it. Under wine he said how he loathes cold sores, how he would self-destruct if he got them.

I need to ask, has anyone else given in to irresponsibility? How did you live with it? What are the chances he will get herpes? (My outbreak was far from where his mouth was). Please, any comfort or even scolding, I feel so guilty and terrible, I don't know what to do with myself or what to think. Thank you thank you.

[Sil88]

So you told him before any contact took place? Then it becomes his responsibility, as long as you believe you're not having an OB. What do you mean 'under his fingers'? How can he loathe coldsores if he doesn't get them? And it's incredibly over-dramatic to say you would self-destruct because of them.. he needs to realise it's all just hype. Doesn't sound like you should feel guilty at all.

[WCSDancer2010]

@Gimmehope

 

First - Hello and Welcome!

 

So it sounds like you disclosed to him? In which case, HE made the decision to go down on you FULLY KNOWING the situation. At that point, it's not your fault if something goes wrong as long as you are careful to not do anything when you feel you have an outbreak.

 

That said, if you have HSV2 (do you know which one you have?), odds a far lower that you could pass it to him orally. Only about 1% of all oral herpes is HSV2. So you have that... though I'd be cautious until you hit the 4-6 month mark as you are more likely to have OB's in the early months. Odds are your OB was actually caused by the oral sex ... it's not uncommon for us to have OB's after sex, especially when we first get it. So odds are he's fine.

 

All that said, his comment about " he loathes cold sores, how he would self-destruct if he got them." is a little dramatic to say the least. 80% of people have oral HSV1... 80% don't know they have it. So odds are he already has Oral HSV1 anyway. Tell him to put that in his pipe and smoke it. If he's been at all sexually active he's likely gone down on women who have HSV1 or 2 genitally and likely been given oral by women who have HSV1 orally. So if he's that opposed to getting "cold sores", he needs to stop kissing women (as 80% will have it and *may* give it to him) and he needs to wrap his willy in saran wrap because unless he goes and gets tested with EVERY partner he has (and you have to ASK for the HSV tests... they are not included in the STD testing, so odds are he's never been tested for it), there will ALWAYS be a risk of getting an STD. Oh - and odds are he could be carrying HPV (Human Papillomavirus) and not know it because there's no test for that one for men, and the CDC says we will all likely get at least 1 of the 40 types of HPV....

 

I'm not saying all this to scare you.... but to point out that a combination of ignorance, unwillingness to talk about and get properly educated about STD's, the unwillingness to get tested between EVERY partner, and the reality is that having sex comes with risks no matter how careful we are. Thankfully Herpes is mostly a nuisance for most of us at worst... it won't kill us. But if he's that worried about the possibility of the occasional sore on his lip he needs to become a monk... because if he isn't already carrying it, odds are he will at some point if he is sexually active. And that's just reality :)

 

Herpes makes a great Wingman ... and you may have just seen a side of this man that is telling you something you might not learn about him under normal circumstances until you were much deeper in the relationship....

 

(((HUGS)))

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/using-herpes-as-your-wingman/

 

Herpes as a relationship filter Adrial

 

[Gimmehope]

I know I don't know you, but I f'ing love you. Thank you.