I can't help but think it was the herpes

[LondonCalling03]

Hey all. I'm 30/F and I've been forever single. I dated the wrong guys for years and held on to these crappy relationships for too long. I opened myself up again to dating recently and I promised myself to do it differently. I promised myself I wouldn't allow myself to be treated like dirt. I would ask for what I wanted/needed and I would walk away if those needs weren't being met. I am a great catch. I have a great career, I'm out of debt, I work out, and I love exploring new places and doing new things.

 

I met a guy a few months ago. Our first date was hands down the best first date I've ever had. He booked the second date before the first one was over. I usually wait a generous amount of time before sleeping with a guy/disclosing. With him, I ended up doing it on the 3rd date. It felt right. I wanted to. I wasn't prepared for it, but it wasn't my first talk so I did pretty good. He seemed okay enough with it. I take anti virals and I told him how much that helps lower the risk. I told him I've had it for years and I understand my body and known when I should abstain. I told him I've never passed it to anyone (to my knowledge) and that the goal was to never pass it on to him. He said, "So basically, there's a risk, but it's very minimal?" I said yes. We ended up having sex. Next day I sent him the link to the handout and told him to spend some time in this forum. He was sweet about it, said he really appreciated me telling him, etc.

 

We went on a few more dates but things were moving slowly between us. It's summer time. I went on a vacation, he went away for work, I went away for work, he went back to his hometown for the 4th. It was difficult for us to find time to be together. We never really established what would be "normal" for us as far as communication, but about a month ago, I felt like he was never initiating conversation. It was always me and I didn't like it. He would, however, immediately respond when I texted him. I tried to let it go.

 

We slept together again recently and a few days later he said he needed to go get checked. He said he'd felt weird since the first time we slept together but his symptoms did not sound like herpes at all. I was not worried even a little bit that he has herpes. I told him this. He did some googling and that made him feel better. He agreed that he should be fine. As far as I know, he didn't see a doctor. It would have been nice for a doctor to immediately tell him he didn't have herpes, but he also had no blisters or anything and it's too earlier for a blood test.

 

Another week went by and we didn't spend time together. He has a busy job, I get it, but I was hoping I could see him this weekend. He said he was busy this weekend (he gave me more specifics, I'm trying to be discreet in the off chance he reads this, I told him about this forum when I disclosed). I promised myself I wouldn't stay in a relationship that wasn't working for me so I told him it was disappointing that we couldn't spend more time together. I asked him if work would be less busy in the coming months and it doesn't seem like it. I told him it seemed like I wanted more than he could give me. He said he was sorry about that and I said it was ok. That was that.

 

I can't help but think it's the herpes. He's great, I know he liked me. We spent a lot of good time together. I found a good one, good on paper, chivalrous, cute, all around good guy. I didn't want this to end, but if someone wants to be with you, they'll make time, right? He wasn't making time. When I told him I had a problem with the lack of time together, he didn't offer a solution. I can't help but think it's the herpes.

 

Now I'm 30 and single again with no prospects and I just feel down on myself. I've spent the weekend crying in bed. I know, I know. I'll get myself up tomorrow. I actually joined meetup and I'm going out with some social singles on Tuesday. But I miss him, and I could use some words of encouragement.

[MMissouri]

I wouldn't even try dissecting the why of it all. It could be herpes, it could be distance, it could be he was okay with sex but didn't want to make a commitment to the relationship. It could be anything.

 

All I would focus on is you told him what you needed, and he didn't even try to meet you halfway. So, in my book, he isn't worthy. If he cared about you in any way, he would have made an effort to make you happy. You promised yourself you would walk away from anyone that wasn't meeting your needs.. walk away.

 

Have your weekend to grieve, but ask if he is truly worth that effort. Then look forward to Tuesday and have a blast. Good luck.

[Bambina3]

It sounds like your relationship went on long enough after your disclosure that is had nothing to do with h....it might of stayed in the back of his mind (when he spoke of testing) but he knew the risks and continued anyway.

It's just one of those things, you will find the right person

Hugs!!