No really, how do you date?

[cloacina]

I don't even know where to begin...No really, how do you date?

 

I've gotten to a point where thinking about a future partner seems like a good idea, but I have no clue how to even date...or even get anyone to notice me.

 

I've been a serial monogamist my whole life...minus a couple of experiences...and I've only been with only a few people (2 in the last 12 years-I'm 34). I've joked before about how sorry my dating profile would be if I ever had one, but even living in a big city with millions of people, I feel...invisible...and I'm a taller lady that's kind of hard to miss, even if you were trying to. I have stacked all of my baggage and "stigmas" against me, and I still think I'm awesome, but I still can't force myself to jump. I have had a really tough decade...and an even tougher year (losing my mother who was more like a best friend/sister), but something is telling me I'm ready. It could be that everyone I know has been saying, "you may want to start dating again" and I don't know it's because they think I'm lonely and going to turn into a crazy cat lady...(and I don't even like cats) or if they are genuinely concerned. By the way, nothing wrong with being a crazy cat lady, if you are one.

 

I read all of the posts about brave people getting in the trenches and facing rejection or having success stories, but I can't even get anyone to notice me. Granted, I haven't really been trying. No one seems to even see me though....so I that's why I don't try. I truly don't mind hanging with myself (and my super cool kids) but I'd selfishly like to be liked...and maybe loved one day...so that I could like/love someone in return, which that would be a first for me anyway...someone loving me, I mean.

 

All of you out there trying to erase stigma with one disclosure at a time...you are my heroes! Keep it up! Hopefully, one day I will be right there with you!

[cloacina]

Responding to my own post:

 

In a world where everyone has someone, but me, I was feeling lonely and vulnerable until I got the reassurance that, maybe I'm not ready yet. I read this article and the last two paragraphs really resounded with the truth in my life.

 

http://thoughtcatalog.com/melissa-faulkner/2015/12/read-this-if-everyone-has-a-boyfriend-but-you/

 

Excerpt from the article:

 

When everyone has a boyfriend but you, the sad reality is, you probably cry less. Because nothing is quite as painful as being completely alone while you hold hands with a hollow ghost. Nothing is as painful as fighting and struggling for real love, while love stares you in the face and lets you drown. Nothing is as painful as screaming silently, while you force yourself to numb how you are feeling, in hopes that it will make him stay.

 

When everyone else has a boyfriend but you, you learn to cherish the moments of sadness. Because you’re making space for something else. Someone else. Someone that will do more than stand next to you. They will BE next to you. They will hold a space for you. Because not everyone that stands next to you will fully be there. And all the nights of loneliness will teach you what it feels like to just “be.” To just be here. To be here now. To be you. To stop numbing. To stop filling your space with someone that just numbs you. Because nothing is as painful as the moment you realize you’ve been dimming yourself – when you know you are capable of so much light. TC

[MMissouri]

@cloacina, I saw this post and didn't reply because I didn't know how to answer that question. It's been a long time since I've been out in the dating world. And you said people don't notice you- something else I couldn't help with. (I prefer the background)

 

I'm going to take a shot at it, I'm going to say- to date you need to put yourself out there (It's what I've been told many times lol). At least with the internet, you'll have more options. You could put up a profile on a dating site and see how it works out. If you don't like that idea, then you just need to find things that you like to do that will get you out and around some single guys.

 

As for the reply you posted to your post. I don't know about that. It sounds like the writer has some relationship issues/hurts themselves. This is just my opinion, but I read it as "relationships are painful and not always what they seem" and "be lonely, it's okay". While I can agree to a point, I hope that since I'm not reading the entire article, she goes on to say that someday you will need to leave your comfort zone? Or maybe-Date many people, don't just settle for someone just because you're lonely? Or- Start a quest to find someone that is worth that space next to you? Or- Have an idea of what you want in a partner, have a list of must haves (and keep it small) but stick to it?

 

Your reply post is what made me want to reply. And the reason being when you first posted, you seemed like you wanted to take that step out there and find someone. But you just lacked the confidence to do it. (because I see- I'm not noticeable. I want to be loved but people don't see me. Am I wrong?) and then you ran into an article that resonates, but you need to ask yourself why? Why does that article make so much sense to you? And how much time alone is needed to "just be"? A year? Two?

 

[cloacina]

Thank you for responding. Honestly, the article ends there. No offers of ever getting out of the loneliness, but I originally posted because most of the people I see regularly tell me, "you should start dating again." I feel like I'm at a point where I'm not totally turned off by the idea, you know? I have never, ever, not once ever had a healthy relationship. But I'm a hopeless romantic. I've always "settled" because I don't get that much attention from the male population, and I always thought it was because I was ugly...but I'm not...I am, however, very tall (especially in heels, which I love) and I am only assuming that most men are intimidated by tall, amazon women (in heels...lol). Plus, I have co-dependency issues, and other toxic stuff from years of "settling" for abusive men (coming from an abusive childhood). I'm no victim either. I'm grateful for what I've learned and I'm still full of hope, love, and light. I know most of the time I'm deep in thought and I have a bad case of RBF (resting bitch face), and that may make it difficult for people to approach me (in general), but I'm working on these things. I am surrounded by people "in love", in relationships, and married. I'm a single mom, too. I love my kids, period. I do feel cheated at times that neither of their fathers were healthy enough (or man enough) to be there for their kids. My awful choice in men (because of my tragic self-worth) led to me having two beautiful, awesome children and becoming a single mom. I selfishly just want to experience love...the real kind...with a man, and I think the article resonated because I still have work to do on me. I don't want to settle for the next abusive jerk that pays me attention because I am lonely. I want to be with someone who loves me for me (stigmas and baggage included) so that I can love them in return. It sounds silly, but I have so much love to give and I feel a little cheated and denied because of my experiences, but I have hope that if I met that right dude that it would be mutual and not one-sided. If not, I still can learn to love myself and love my kids. Does this make sense?

[MMissouri]

Makes total sense. If it makes you feel any better, I'm tall too lol. Some guys love long legs, and some do feel intimidated. I personally think that anyone that doesn't give you a chance because of your height is a pretty superficial person. Since you have had the experience of picking men that weren't the best for you, you at least know the warning signs. Things to look for and avoid.

 

I'm pretty much in the same situation you are. I've been separated for over a year and I don't have the best track record with guys. People are telling me to join dating sites and see what's out there. I have to admit, the idea of someone (an adult of the opposite sex) to talk to would be wonderful. And if it led to more, even better. But I think I would like some male friends before even trying the dating scene. I just feel like I have to much baggage at the moment. (Divorce, children, bills, and yes- self esteem issues). I joke that if I could find the perfect gay male buddy I'd be so happy. (Not intending offense to any gay men! I just love the idea of a guy to hang with, bounce ideas off of, and no sexual pressure).

 

Anyway, if you are ready, the biggest hurdle in my opinion is just stepping out here. If you decide to take the plunge, best of luck! :)

[optimist]

@cloacina @MMissouri I'm also tall, so I put my height in my dating profile. People have physical preferences. It doesn't offend me. Some guys consider my height a bonus, some are turned off by it, some don't care one way or another. Having it in my profile weeds out those who don't like it.

[cloacina]

The funny part about it is that I'm tall and "thick". In heels, I'm easily 6'3". Normally, I'm just about 5'11". I read a post about how people always assume tall girls are skinny, but there are exceptions to that rule...lol...and they call us glamazons, which I thought was ridiculously cheesy, but a little reassuring there are more out there like me.

 

What do you think about dating sites? What's your take on them?

[cloacina]

@optimist it's awesome to hear of other tall women! Most of the time I feel like a freak show. I was in an elevator packed full of people the other day and it dawned on me that I was the tallest person (!!) in there. It's kind of cool and kind of disheartening at the same time...lol. The lady I was with is probably 5' tall, and she told me to never where heels again! I just laughed cause that ain't gonna happen!

[optimist]

@cloacina I'm fairly close to your height.

 

There are pros and cons to dating sites, like most things in life. So many people rely on them now, it reached a point where I felt like *not* using a dating site meant I was actively opting out of dating.

 

I've tried a couple sites, OKCupid and Tinder. I hated OKC and love Tinder, but that's personal preference. Some people have the exact opposite experience. There are many others I haven't tried. Can also depend on what exactly you're looking for, though it was my experience that the stereotypes did not really fit when I used those two sites. I know Tinder has a reputation for being all about hookups, and that didn't deter me because I'm in a casual dating phase of life, but I was surprised to find that everyone I met on Tinder was looking for something unique (strictly virtual interaction, NSA hookup, ongoing FWB, casual dating, traditional dating, monogamy with hopes of LTR or marriage, etc.).

[cloacina]

@optimist I tried OK CUPID a long time ago (at the suggestion of my brother), but I had pretty awful luck with it. I don't know if I want a physical relationship yet...just get to know people. Yeah, Tinder does have a really bad reputation around here. It could be the pool of people in my area that aren't so great either. I just never took online dating seriously, but I think I may give it a shot. Thank you for your feedback.

[MMissouri]

@cloacina, I'm 6 ft. Never really did the heel thing, although I think they are cute as hell. If you love it then more power to you! I have to admire that!

 

As for tall girls being skinny, that's ridiculous. I obviously have some tall people in my family, and most of them are overweight, so don't feel like a glamazon (how funny).

 

Good luck with the online dating! Why not put a profile on a couple of sites and see how it goes? That way you can figure out which one works best for you.

[Bluebetty]

I subscribed to Positive Singles and I was just grossed out. I don't want to have sex with someone who has herpes! lol

[MMissouri]

? you just completely lost me with that statement. Don't you have herpes? LOL

[optimist]

@Bluebetty Maybe this is a sign you need more time to come to terms with your own diagnosis?

[cloacina]

@Blue Betty are you joking or making a point? I'm not against dating someone with herpes...shit, I'd be a hypocrite if turned down someone in the same boat as me. In fact, I'd love to date a single dad because I'd feel some common ground because I'm a single mom. But I'm a firm believer that love is blind, and sometimes love comes from opposite experiences. This site always stresses to not limit yourself, and I think that means to keep your heart open to love without judging someone because of a "stigma" if they are a good person. Really, that's all I care about. Do you have a good heart? Are you of sound mind? Do your actions parallel your words? Are you honest and trustworthy? Do you know what love, empathy, and compassion are and do they come naturally to you? That's what I care about. The other stuff is just life. Everyone has some sort of stigma.

[Bluebetty]

I am in denial. I don't want to think about it.

[MMissouri]

Ah.. well I'd personally be thrilled if I made a good connection with someone that turned out to be H positive!

[cloacina]

@BlueBetty At least you aren't afraid to admit that. There are many stages in grief. Trust me, I know this all too well.

 

@MMissouri Me too! You're 6'?! That's awesome! I hope you find your someone, too. I'll be rooting for you!

[MMissouri]

I dunno if it's awesome but I'll be rooting for you too!! lol