No one to talk to.

[AmyDazedConfused]

I'm a 33 year-old female... and I just found out that I have H2. I have long wanted love, a family, a happy future-- and this recent diagnosis feels as though my dreams are impossible.

 

I may have had the disease for years- but experienced my first outbreak after sleeping with a new, wonderful man. (I do not believe he was the one that gave it to me) We waited a month to sleep with each other. We had talked about travel plans, that we were falling in love with each other, about what we wanted our future to look like together. He provided me great comfort when I tearfully told him about my first outbreak. He made me laugh between sobs. But every day that passes since my telling him, he is distant and moving away from me. He said he was willing to get tested himself- but he hasn't done it yet. In so many words, he is telling me the relationship is over. I don't blame him.

 

I have suffered from depression and low self esteem my whole life. I feel hopeless. I have thought about going into the streets of Chicago at night- and asking someone to shoot me. I don't see the point of continuing on when the things I want are now impossible to get. Dating has always been difficult... and now to add this... ! I know the stats. But I also know that if I was in his place, I would reject me too. I'm average. I am a teacher, I don't make a lot of money. I am decent looking, but nothing to write home about.

 

I read these posts- people posting about shame and hopelessness. The support this forum provides is wonderful. But I just don't believe it will get better. I don't have anyone to confide in. I don't believe I will be accepted.

[sam57]

I felt the same way you did.. I didn't see the point in anything. I stayed in bed all day, it took me quite a bit of effort to get up and shower and go to work or even look halfway decent. I'm 19.. so I'm just starting out in the dating world and found out that I have this condition. Mind you I've had only two partners. Definitely makes things more complicated..but not impossible. When I found out I had been seeing a guy for a couple months..I told him the second I found out and he has been nothing but supportive and we are still together. There are days where I will really get down about it but really it's not all that bad. As many people have said on here it's the stigma that makes it seem "bad". If you need someone to talk to feel free to message me on here. You're not alone. You will get through this.

[optimist]

@AmyDazedConfused I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I remember having those feelings myself. Even the fantasy about someone shooting me. I know it feels like it's always going to be like this. For me, it's only 7 months later and I am pretty at peace with the situation, very actively dating, and finding that partners are more accepting than I could have imagined. You're welcome to message me anytime. (((HUGS)))

[Bambina3]

I'm sorry to read this, but you are certainly not alone...I'm a year into my diagnosis, and still having trouble with acceptance. There are many success stories on this site, maybe they will provide inspiration to you.

Also, please consider counseling....i have started to go, and feel like I am on the road to recovery....Hugs!!!!!

[AmyDazedConfused]

Hi guys, thank you for your notes of support. It does feel good to know that I am not the only one who is going through this. That my depressive reaction is not abnormal or my desire to just quit is understandable. I've been praying a lot, asking God why I deserved this. I assume this depressive state will continue for a while. I don't want to be alone the rest of my life- but I also have too much pride to disclose this to anyone. I see that @optimist, you have been dating- but do you often find people are not looking for long term, committed relationships?

 

I have so many questions. How would one even get pregnant if all sex needs to be protected? How does suppressive therapy work? Since I have no idea when I could have contracted this, what are my responsibilities to people I have slept with in the past?

[optimist]

@AmyDazedConfused In answer to your question, I'm not looking for something long-term, so sometimes the topic of long-term commitment doesn't even come up, but I haven't yet noticed a difference in commitment level among people I've dated pre and post diagnosis. Some guys are perfectly happy to keep things very casual, some want more of an exclusive commitment. The one guy who did not want to move forward did say that he would be willing to take the risk if he thought there was potential for us to get married someday but we had already discussed that and agreed that marriage was not in our future.

 

As for pregnancy, first keep in mind that 25-30% of pregnant women have genital herpes, so it is obviously not getting in the way of baby making. Of course most of those women don't know they have genital herpes, so whether or not to use condoms to protect their partners from HSV is not a dilemma for those who are unaware. But of those who are aware, it's my understanding that many discordant couples eventually opt to stop using condoms or use them sporadically. Even in casual relationships, some men prefer to go without condoms and take the increased risk. Whether or not you are comfortable with that is a different issue.

 

Suppressive therapy, if you are taking it specifically to reduce risk of transmission to a partner, should be taken daily. For females, assuming you are aware of outbreak and prodrome symptoms and can avoid having sex during those higher risk times, the risk of transmission to a male partner while taking suppressive therapy is 2% per year without condoms and 1% per year with condoms. If you were very recently infected, keep in mind the risk can be higher for the first 4-6 (I've seen up to 12) months after infection as more frequent viral shedding is happening.

 

As far as I know, you have no *responsibility* to inform past partners after diagnosis. It's more of a personal choice. In my case, I told the person I was involved with at the time, as well as a former partner who I'd been with more than 15 years because the timeline indicated either he'd given it to me or I exposed him for 15+ years and I thought either way he might want to get tested. But if you don't know how long you've had it, informing long past partners might unnecessarily alarm them, even if they are realistically taking that risk all the time anyway. Keep in mind most single people who are sexually active are unknowingly exposing themselves to HSV through oral sex or intercourse on a fairly regular basis as most sexually active people have oral HSV1 and a fair number have genital herpes. Opinions differ on whether informing past partners is necessary. It's a personal choice, I think.

[AmyDazedConfused]

@optimist, Thank you so much for your reply. It actually brought me to tears because its the first time I actually saw real hope. I will use this information when I talk to my psudo-boyfriend.

 

You seem so strong! I hope to get to your mind-set someday. Your confidence in your worth must come through when you are disclosing your status. From what I have read, that is really important. Thank you for showing me its possible. I need to somehow get to that point. How did you get there?

 

As for all of the other stuff- the babies, suppressive therapy and my responsibility to share. All of your words are calming to me during this shit-storm!

[optimist]

@AmyDazedConfused I'm so glad to hear that. Honestly, part of what helps me is talking to people in the same boat, sharing that things can get better. Every time I share a positive experience or belief with someone else, I'm reinforcing it within myself, too.

 

As for how I reached this point of acceptance, I've posted so much in this group, I hesitate to repeat myself again and again, but I will direct message you if that's okay.

[AmyDazedConfused]

Yes, please do

[chargeit2thagame]

yoooooooooooooo dont go into tha streets of Chicago and ask somone to shoot you....This is Chicago...you most likely will get shot anyway...(dark humor sorry) I just someimtes say tha same thing...this nigga got his head blown off down tha block from my crib like 2 weeks ago and at times felt like must be nice to get away from this misery but fuck that...I have not read all the other post just read that part and decided to respond...i live in Chicago too...i stay up north but whre im at up north is real its basically ghetto with white people living here too due to gentrification and it kickin out all the minorties and or poor ppl....

shorty....you a teacher...IN CHICAGO...you one of my heros for real....cps treats teachers like garbage...I love the profession and think yall are the unsung heroes...even if u not teachin in tha hood...every white girl aint gotta be like michelle pfiefer in Dangerous Minds lol i think all teachers are dope as fuck....anyways i still struggle daily....but i been talkin to girls now even if its just as friends I haven't disclosed but I guess just being around feminine energy is comforting for me cuz I avoided girls for like 2 years...i still have alotta self hate and rage and feel like my life is worthless....my homie got shot at like 4 days ago...so that shit real here but i think you gonna b ok...i more than anybody understand anoynymity with this...but please feel free to hit me up in a PM or w/e im pretty sure we have No similar circles im not a kid but im like a high school class or two behind u lol (26)...I have some sites of these girls that own they herpes with a vengenance if u intersted lemme know...but dont go outside and ask someone to smoke you lol

[Katidid]

@AmyDazedConfused I find it really odd that (if he doesn't have H) he hasn't scammered to get tested. It's the first thing most H negative people do once they find out their partner has H especially if they slept with that person. Asside from that, you will find someone else if he runs. You have to be confident in yourself and show it!!! It will all be ok in the long run. You said you may have had this a while so you are still who you were last week. I've had this over 30 yrs. Am married for 21 and he is H-. It is possible to have a lasting relationship, see the world, have great friends aND most of all be happy!!!

[chargeit2thagame]

nah i disagree respectfully Katidid...the way men are is they honestly terrified of stds girls are alot more responsible...he not gonna go run to get it he gonna be like well my stuff looks and feels fine....im good....but @AmyDazedConfused you can always holla at me or w/e like I said imma chicago bwoy lol....

[Katidid]

@chargeittothagame I'm sure you are right!! We are different (men and women). It's really nice to have a guys perspective. You have a great personality.....it shines right through on here. I'm surprised you don't have girls chasing you down. Personally is key.....that's coming from a woman's perspective!!!

[chargeit2thagame]

@ Katidid well thank you...I sincerely and humbly appreciate that..=)