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Potential partner connected with herpes giver


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i have been seeing a new guy for a month now (not officially) but we have discussed how we see each other seriously and he has told me he may want to pursue me later on. One issue I have is that this boy is friends with my H giver. it has been about a whole year since my diagnosis and falling out with the giver, but it is hard because i feel trapped. I like this new guy a lot and i know how much he respects me. We have not done anything physical yet, he knows i am full of hatred toward (his friend) he doesn't get why but all i say is you don't know him like me, it is something i can't and do not want to talk about. I don't think it is right to tell him because i am not close enough yet to this guy and sex is not something i am even considering anytime soon. Has anyone been in this situation before and has advice or thinks its a bad idea? Me and the giver's "relationship" is now completely gone we don't talk and if we run into each other he won't even look up he keeps his head down and looking in another direction. i ran into him at my new guys house recently and it was very uncomfortable (my giver wouldn't look up) very disturbing to me and obviously he knows i am seeing his friend now. I just want some support because this new guy is great but i do still feel lingered in the aftermath of my "trauma."

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I hear you're feeling conflicted. Trapped. Thanks for sharing where you are with this. It sounds like it's not something you'll want to rush anyway, and that's probably a good thing regardless. I'm not the kind of person who would tell someone I have herpes right off the bat before I know them and they know me. I want to feel like I can trust this person before sharing something vulnerable with them. Actually, from an outsider's perspective, it sounds like this is the perfect opportunity to develop an actual friendship with this new guy and let your relationship naturally grow instead of rushing into something physical and feeling the pressure to disclose early. One thing that herpes does well is to slow down relationships. And if you're not used to taking things slow (which I certainly wasn't at first), that might feel like handcuffs; but I'm convinced now that slowing down relationships is a beautiful thing. It allows us to get to know one another on a deeper level. Then sharing intimacy has so much more depth to it. How does that land for you, inspired32?

Notes:

  • My mother is now in hospice with end-stage cancer, so I am at her house a lot these days helping where I can until she passes. Thank you in advance for understanding if I am not as quick to respond as I normally would be. This is a precious and bittersweet time …
  • This content is for informational purposes only. This information does not constitute medical advice or diagnosis. I'm not a medical professional, so please take this as friendly peer support. 

Helpful resources:

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Thank you, I am feeling a little trapped especially because of his connection with my giver.It is trapping feeling when you feel like others do not understand your emotions since they don't know you have herpes. I agree with you that taking it slow is a very beautiful thing and I do plan to continue doing that. I used to be that person even without herpes, but now that I have it I realized how tempting sex is and that it is something I could have dived into without herpes (since I am on birth control). It is good that I have this and use it as a stop sign. I just hope one day, if we do get serious he can accept me. My only fear is that it could either make him hate his friend (my giver) or make him take his side and not believe me. Until then, I will take things slow and feel out the type of person he is. Thank you!

 

PS: I notice now that the only times I really remember I have herpes is when I run into my giver or am reminded of him consistently. As long as I try to maintain distance from him, I tend to feel better and more free. It also doesn't help my one year anniversary of herpes is coming up! :) :(

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Well my initial inclination was to say "happy anniversary!" then I thought that wouldn't be appropriate, then I thought "Well, I DO want you to be happy regardless of what anniversary it is" so I'm going with it: Happy Anniversary! :)

 

I'm glad that herpes doesn't come up in you unless you're reminded of it because of your ex. It shows that you're living your life and not focusing on something that doesn't deserve to be focused on. Where we put our focus becomes bigger. So focusing on what makes you happy and focusing on your life is so much more productive and self-loving than focusing on a silly little virus like herpes.

 

And I'd also like to throw in there that I hope you start seeing herpes only as a yield sign and not a full stop sign. May seem like a nit-picky thing to point out, but I haven't seen that herpes has fully stopped anyone from the things they truly want. It has only slowed things down and given pause where rushing might have happened before. Does that make sense? I just don't want you to feel like you are completely stopped. That's something that only happens if you convince yourself that herpes will stop you (from being happy, from finding love, from living a full life, etc.) And stopping may be just what you need, but ultimately that's your decision if it benefits you and your healing process.

 

I appreciate you posting here and sharing yourself. Please keep us updated on how this relationship (slowly) progresses! :)

Notes:

  • My mother is now in hospice with end-stage cancer, so I am at her house a lot these days helping where I can until she passes. Thank you in advance for understanding if I am not as quick to respond as I normally would be. This is a precious and bittersweet time …
  • This content is for informational purposes only. This information does not constitute medical advice or diagnosis. I'm not a medical professional, so please take this as friendly peer support. 

Helpful resources:

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hi just to update you, unfortunately the guy i was seeing stopped talking to me abruptly one morning a couple days ago. I found out my giver told him about my herpes and he told me he is grossed out and doesnt wanna talk to me anymore. I am upset but when talking to my mom she reminded me you need to put yourself in his shoes (before you knew the information about this and knew it yourself) you thought the stigma was negative and gross and you would feel the way he does and need to understand why he feels that way. I am only still upset my giver told him and sabotaged me but i guess he did me a favor. what a bummer, just hope it doesnt get in the way of me dating other guys but realize i can't see anyone connected with my giver ever again.

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I'm sorry that happened to you, nobody else had the right to tell him but you..but you know what, if he didn't like you for you then he wasn't worth your time anyways!

 

it's an unfortunate reality that some people aren't going to want to have a relationship with somebody with Herpes, but there are always 2 sides to every spectrum..

 

there are dating sites where you can find singles living with herpes or other stds, that is a big help in alleviating the hassle and pain of telling a potential partner and risking rejection.

 

best of luck to you and keep your chin up!

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Yes your giver did you a favour...and actions speak louder than words. Both of them have demonstrated they are not worth your time and energy. Hold your head high and know that you were trying to act with integrity and sensitivity - and you will find a guy who can do the same. There are all sorts of things that can cause 'rejection' in a new relationship and most of them aren't herpes...lack of chemistry, not wanting to commit, not over their ex...anything! I dated someone with herpes and believe me, he ended up not being over his ex and it was more drama than having to disclose to someone who has herpes!

 

Create your life so you are happy on your own, develop friendships first and just see where they go without expectation. You will find someone - i have met several and it was reasons other than herpes that the relationships didn't flourish romantically. I am friends with them now as they loved my honesty about herpes and have a lot of respect for me..and we became friends first.

 

Let go of your giver and the friend....there are much better guys out there.

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Thank you so much lelani. I wanted to add in that I do not have hard evidence or proof that my giver disclosed me to this guy. I wish i knew for sure, but that is part of my no closure. The guy said to me "i don't dig hairy vagina, i gotta go."- on text. and then followed with I'm not the bad guy here even though you won't agree with me. (not sure what that all means. (sorry for the vividness) but that is what he said so i don't know if that was to be taken literally or not. Also, as of today, he deleted me on Facebook whereas my giver did not/never has so that makes me think him leaving me is not related with my giver and he may not know and maybe is just a douche. Whatever the reason was, his loss, and you are right there are other problems out there. I need to get over the thought that I am a total package and great catch but have herpes. I do not like that part, but i cannot change it and i think my thoughts about it will not completely diminish until i meet a guy who accepts me for it and is serious with me where i have the chance to disclose the way i want to. Until then i am going back to focusing on myself, my health, and my purpose in life and my college work. I already loved myself before herpes but i need to get back to that place and as of now have not much interest in a man. :( I hope i get there soon, no one understands because dating is already hard and then with herpes in the back of my mind at all times makes casual flings even more complicated than they already are. I just like ranting on here especially because i missed the last phone session. Thank you all for always responding and listening i love checking this site daily and helping everyone else too!

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OMG he texted you that...then thank God for herpes in that it has stopped you from going too far and fast with such a jerk...literally or not it is better to stay away from this guy as he has just shown his true colours. Herpes would be the least of your problems if you were with him! You are right - he's a douche lol!

 

And rant all you like - that's the nice thing about being on here...and I love checking in to see - especially if something I have said has helped and someone feels better :-)

 

Yeah we can't change it - herpes is here to stay (we just have to try and keep it sleeping!), just like we can't change other things we don't like about our bodies or ourselves but have to accept. I mean if you write a list, there is more than herpes we are embarrased about, don't like or wish looked different!

 

Yup dating is hard, even without herpes. And casual flings...I have let them go and you know, its not so bad, being less complicated lets me get on with other things. I still flirt and have fun, just keep men at a distance - crazy but they pursue more, maybe I seem like a mystery! Nice thing is i have way more friendships with men now than I did before herpes.

 

Gotta go...nice chatting inspired :-)

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Oh wow ... yeah, classy text indeed! I'm totally with lelani on this ... perfect test for this guy to show you who he truly is. Best to be done with him now. It's amazing how many people I hear about with herpes who allow other people (even the douches!) to dictate how they feel about themselves ... If someone says something horrible about you, it says tons more about them than it says about you (or your herpes). So yes, having herpes adds a bit more complexity and asks more of us and our integrity, but in the end, it does make us stronger and able to see who we are in the face of life's occasional drama. ;)

Notes:

  • My mother is now in hospice with end-stage cancer, so I am at her house a lot these days helping where I can until she passes. Thank you in advance for understanding if I am not as quick to respond as I normally would be. This is a precious and bittersweet time …
  • This content is for informational purposes only. This information does not constitute medical advice or diagnosis. I'm not a medical professional, so please take this as friendly peer support. 

Helpful resources:

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