Telling my best friend and my boyfriend that I have herpes

[zebrafish]

So, I was not prepared to be writing in here so quickly. No actually, I was not prepared to write in here at all - I was 100% sure that anyone I told would reject me. Silly, I know, but as the H is still very fresh news I'm still learning to be rational about it. I was also very worried that being unable to be neutral about it would have a negative effect on their reactions.

(The first person I told was my mum (we are pretty close) as soon as I got the diagnosis, and both of my parents have been really supportive during these first few days. I don't really count that as a real disclosure, because we literally talk about everything.)

 

Yesterday I told my best friend and housemate. She had bought me flowers as she thought I needed cheering up after lying in bed for several days with fever, and of course I ended up crying a river because she was so nice, and I ended up telling her about it. In my hed I had practiced this explanation, how to say things and in which order, but I abandoned my script. Before I could explain very much at all, though, I got the biggest (and most needed) hug of my life, and she told me she gets cold sores all the time and that it's not a big deal. Immediately after telling her and crying in her arms for a little while, I started feeling so much better and more relaxed about the whole situation. It was like a stone fell from my chest, and I ended up sitting on the kitchen floor with my friend, giggling about the whole thing. I love her so much. :)

 

Today, it was boyfriend-telling time. As soon as he got here he wanted to know what kind of sick I am, so I told him 'viral infection, but nothing dangerous' and then took him for a little walk in the sunshine. We sat down on a bench and then I gave him the 'have you ever had cold sores? Do you know what causes them....etc.' talk. A little bit of crying followed (from my side, of course.) And it turns out he HAS had cold sores, and one not very long before I discovered mine (over the Easter break, so I never saw it and therefore I didn't know). I don't blame him for giving H to me (which he most likely did), as neither of us had this possibility on our radar. Instead of leaving me, as I had been afraid he would (silly me), he just held me close and said that even if I should turn out to have HSV-2 instead, he really didn't care as he's probably got it too by now anyway. And now I am the one who have to comfort him, as he feel like the worst person in the world for giving this to me, bless him. It was not at all what I had expected, but it is good in the sense that it forces me to see the situation rationally. It really isn't that big of a deal, it only means that my skin will go painy/itchy sometimes. I also felt that this brought us a little bit closer together. I often say that no one knows me until I let them see me cry, and now he has. I have once again been reminded of what a gentle, accepting and open-minded soul he is, and I think that he was reminded of how much I trust and like him when I told him.

 

All of a sudden I feel like my old self again. I realize I can still laugh about things, I still have an overwhelming urge to 'silly-dance' every time I hear music, I still like the same things I did a week ago, and I still have the same dreams and hopes for my future. The only thing that has changed is that a part of me had to grow up very quickly and deal with the fact of having a lifelong diagnosis. I'm still working on accepting that, but compared to yesterday I have so much more hope. I am also amazed by how much it helped my acceptance process just to tell two of the most important people in my life. Maybe it's just having a good day, or maybe it's that the fever is gone, or maybe it's the sunshine - but having to explain it from a rational point of view, and having to comfort a boyfriend who feels ridiculously guilty over the whole situation, really made me see how little of a deal H is. I might go back to miserable by tonight, but I don't think so. I'm so much more than a skin condition. And I think that it is thanks to you, and the people on this forum, that I managed to realize this so quickly. Thank you.

 

Oh, and if anyone has any advice on how to transform that big, guilt-ridden pile of a young man back into my boyfriend, would you please let me know? ;)

 

Love x

[lelani]

This is beautiful zebrafish..full of honesty, vulnerability, courage and love. These are the gifts herpes can give if you let it...if you open up and care and love others while you are going through stuff yourself. There is no guilt...and it will take time and reassurance for your boyfriend to really know that. Let him read this if you want to...I got it from my boyfriend at the time and I felt and now still feel no anger or resentment. It just happens and while it is scary to start it becomes part of your life, annoying, sometimes challenging, but just part of it and on the scale of things a small part. I want to give you both a hug and let you know you are ok...you are both so much more than a skin condition :-) love each other and let any guilt go. Be thankful every day that you have each other and good people in your life who love and support you :-)

[zebrafish]

Thank you for you words, lelani. :) I think that he is getting used to the idea.

I feel that I have had such a smooth ride with finding out, accepting and disclosing to the people that matter. Within a week I'm already done with all of these things, even the acceptance part is going allright. I'm trying to embrace this and not making a big deal out of it. xx

[lelani]

Thats so awesome...thanks for letting me know. I am learning with my new relationship too. We are totally committed and moving in together in a couple of weeks. He accepts my Herpes, we use condoms and I am on suppressive medication to minimise the risk of passing it on. I thought I would be paranoid about it but I am focussing on how wonderful it is and his acceptance only makes me love him more.

 

The smooth ride for you in telling others is due to how you are accepting it...life is a mirror reflecting you back to yourself :-). I think you are doing a great job :-) x

[zebrafish]

That sounds wonderful, lelani! I am so happy for you!

 

I've been having some problems with weird bleeding lately. It turned out it's just some hsv-1 on my cervix, but for a while I was really freaked out and stressed about it, and again my guy proved to me how wonderful and accepting he is. I'd start crying (I know, I know...I'm a baby) and he'd just hold me until I got myself together. :) And as soon as they called and told me what it was, things changed for the better. x

[mr_hopp]

Oh zebrafish, I'm simultaneously glad you have such a supportive boyfriend AND I wish you wouldn't judge yourself like that, even in joking terms. Tears are cleansing and nourishing. Crying is natural. You're not a baby. You're a human being. We all cry. It's perfectly normal and healthy.

[zebrafish]

You are right. I cry very easily, and even though I'm now more comfortable with it than before, I still tend to see it as a weakness and judge myself for it. It is silly, and I'm working on that one. :)

[mr_hopp]

I'm glad you're starting to accept your tears. But did you just judge yourself as silly for judging yourself about crying? :/ See how judgment can be a sneaky thing when it's become a pattern in how we treat ourselves? I see this all the time in my coaching clients. If we're not careful, we start judging ourselves for judging ourselves and a vicious unconscious cycle begins ... Notice the judgment, smile, then say something kind to yourself ("Wow, I just noticed myself judging me! Good job noticing, me!"). ;)

[zebrafish]

Oh wow, I guess I did. How very sneaky! I was actually talking to a therapist about the 'observer self' and the 'judging self' the other day. I guess it all comes down to be able to think "oh, I'm judging myself again" and let that feeling pass without judging that. So much to work on. :) Thank you for pointing it out though, Adrial. I guess this is a trap very many people fall into. I wonder why it is so easy to be mean towards yourself, when you would never treat others that way.

[zebrafish]

I don't get this. I was so fine about this whole herpes thing, but now it's going downwards again. My stupid cervix won't stop bleeding, and even though the bf doesn't mind, I do mind. It is scary, even if I know what's up down there. And it restrains me, as I always have to worry about it. There is no more efficient mood killer than thinking of your bleeding cervix, I promise. It makes me angry and sad.

[WhoopsiDaysi]

Zebrafish - this may sound odd, but here it goes, send some love to that cervix of yours. It is struggling right now and the last thing any part of you needs right now is judgment. Allow yourself to bathe in a bright light of love and acceptance and know that you and your cervix will get through this. It's like when you have the flu and you just feel so crappy and like it's the worst thing ever. You KNOW you'll get through it and feel better, but in the moment, your feelings say it's awful and you just want it to end. I am sending love and hugs your way sweetie and you will get through this. Take baby steps. We all struggle with this virus and we all have good days and days where the herpes demons get the best of us. One day at a time. This too shall pass. :)

 

Love, Brenda xoxo

[zebrafish]

Thank you for your kind words, Whoopsi. What you are saying is very true, but I think it will need some practice to get it into my brain.

On the positive side, today is a much better herpes day. :)