Need some advice, support and reassurance

[jlkb]

Hello I am new to the forum and am a mess. My story goes like this. I was 19 (am currently 36 and newly divorced) when I contracted HSV1 genitally. The guy knew and didn't tell me and acted like it was no big deal when I got it. I went into a depression, felt alone, and damaged from the stigma of it. Not to mention one of my so called friends blabbed my status at a college party one night and made things worse. Relationships I have had have been ok, and the shame has never gone away. I know scientifically that it is a common virus, with over 50% of the population getting it by age 50. It is simply a skin condition. I can say this all rationally, but the societal stigma of it is gut wrenching. So fast forward to now (other partners have not been scared off, my ex husband never performed oral though because he said "he didn't want people knowing our dirty laundry") Anyway, I was recently dating again. Met this amazing guy and we connected. It was so intense and wow. I knew in the back of my head I was going to have to tell him, and it was sickening. I have never dealt well with rejection and my self image bc of this disease has not been good. During our third date, we were having such an amazing time, and I could tell things might get a little physical. Not to the point of intercourse but I knew I needed to tell him. I got emotional told him that in 17 years I had 4 outbreaks, no one I was ever with had gotten it and it was something that had little risk. I thought he was fine with it and we continued our evening which was amazing. The next day he said he was worried that if he did get it how would that affect his life if we ended. I tried to talk to him about it telling him what I knew again, and reassure him and he felt a little better. I was emotional and so was he. I thought it was ok and then he calls me saying he had the greatest night of his life last night and while this was amazing he just couldn't take the risk. I was stunned. I was sick, and I do not know what to do to deal with this hurt and rejection. He shared that he had a drinking problem in the past and he was sober and I told him I could accept that. It hurts like hell to know that someone can say all these great things about you and then when they hear this they bolt. Will it ALWAYSbe like this? How do I work through the emotional toll this takes so that when I present it to people they don't flake? Is everyone a flaker? Any help would be much appreciated!!!

 

 

 

[Ruiner]

Damn, that was sad to read.

[HikingGirl]

@jlkb - Welcome. No, it won’t always be like what you experienced. Use the forum categories at left and you will read lots of success stories! One of the reasons I’ve been so active on these forums is because I love reading success stories at regular intervals. They’re so encouraging. And when you hear them over and over and over again, it really starts to sink in that herpes does not have to be the end of your love life!

 

Unfortunately, you have zero control over whether someone flakes after a disclosure. I don’t have a lot of experience with it personally (I feel like I’m finally healed well enough from my own recent divorce to just now start considering dating again), but I’ve seen many others mention that being confident and calm during a disclosure can help with how it’s received, but we never really know how someone will respond and so much of that is not within our control. That’s part of what makes dating and disclosing so scary....the vulnerability!

 

And, no, not everyone is a flaker. :)

 

@Jack101 made a comment a few weeks ago which I found so awesome I’ll probably be quoting him for months to come:

 

“Don’t take this the wrong way, but I believe that most of you are confused as to why the men are leaving. They are not leaving you because of herpes, they are leaving you because they don’t see a long term relationship. Often times people will stay in relationships that they don’t see progressing when they have nothing to lose. However, when presented with the possibility of infection (i.e. loss), they will often leave because they don’t want to take the risk when they don’t see a long term future with the individual. In fact, they are saving you time and effort. They likely would have left anyway.”

 

When I read this, I immediately thought back to the book “He’s Just Not That Into You.” I listened to the audio version, which was not only hilarious because I think nearly every woman alive could relate to the examples the author gave, but really insightful. I certainly don’t think all men are this way, but the author made the case that guys generally won’t come right out and say, “I’m just not that into you.” They’ll usually find some other easier excuse that’s either convenient (like herpes) or that they think will be a softer let down.

 

“Rejection is God’s protection” is another saying I love.

 

I’ve been where you are (only in my case I had already had sex with the guy when I spontaneously asked for an STD panel during an annual exam for the hell of it and was surprised with my diagnosis), and I know it hurts. {{{hugs}}}

[jlkb]

@HikingGirl thank you for your words of comfort. I spoke with the guy last night and he is taking a test. He said basically the same thing in not so many words. He likes me a lot but is concerned that if this doesn't work out what will happen if he got it. I tried to reassure him that I was more than this virus and the risk is super low. He said he understood that but that relationships fail and he worries that he would get it etc. The sad thing is we then talked about everything and anything for 2 hours after that. I know everyone has a right to their own opinion but I think he is being really narrow minded. Am I wrong? HSV1 is so common and while no it isn't fun to have I feel it is common and not something that is super risky. My head is a mess. We are seeing eachtother again sunday and will wait for his test results. In my heart I know that this is going to end and that I want someone who wants me no matter what, but this is hard. Thanks so much!

[HikingGirl]

Narrow-mindedness is a subjective term, so I can’t say I have an answer to that one. :)

 

Someone might call me narrow-minded for not wanting to date men with dependent children still at home, but it’s a deal-breaker for me. I never wanted kids of my own, and I already raised one stepdaughter. We have a great relationship now that she’s grown, but the blended family thing was not easy and I just don’t care to go through that again.

 

All you can do is help to educate this guy and hope for the best. As they say, “you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink!”

[MakingIT2017]

I agree with @HikingGirl. Don’t beat yourself up if he decides to walk . Instead hold your head up high knowing you did the right thing by disclosing and move on. I also found out I had H2 a few months ago while having my annual physical and spontaneously asking for testing. The guy and I had already been intimate repeatedly and was talking long term including marriage. I found out I had H2 and was floored. Told him immediately and he left days later. We have not talked since. At first I was gutted but now I’m ok b/c obviously I wasn’t the one after all but my integrity is in tact and I’m moving on. I won’t reach out and beg him to do his research...for what?? I’m still the great person he said I was prior to this diagnosis. I don’t even know if he even went and got tested. Keep your head up honey!! If he wants you he will stay but if he doesn’t don’t beg him. “Man’s rejection is God’s protection” is also one of my favorite quotes and a reminder that what God had for me is for ME! I won’t have to beg or convince him if he’s the one. Be encouraged!

[jlkb]

Thanks Ladies. Update. He got tested, and while we were waiting for the results, talked every night and then had an amazing date. He is negative but we have been dating still and while I think part of him is still little scared he said he realizes the risk is super low and he wants to continue this because he likes me and enjoys my company. My only fear is that he will get it. We obviously will use protection but I worry that there will be some asymptomatic shedding. I have had H1 for over 17 years so according to research the shedding will be almost never but it still scares me. Any thoughts?

 

[HikingGirl]

It sounds really positive that has changed his mind and wants to continue dating! There will probably always be some degree of asymptomatic shedding. In the end, you’ve disclosed and if he’s willing to accept the risk of transmission, your job is to find a way to live in the present instead of the future (and drive yourself crazy with what ifs). :)