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The Beginning of My Herpes Story

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I’ve spent countless nights sitting in front of my computer. The fingertips of my hands hovering above the keys wanting to press down and begin telling my story. I don’t know why I haven’t been able to until tonight. I’ve had countless nights where I felt … believed that I was a damaged good. Many of you would recognize this as the same old story.


Although I can somewhat say that I have moved past my pain, it puzzles me with why I can feel empty. Empty like the bottom of my beer glass. As if the pain were still present, but gone at the same time. The never-ending battle between the light side and dark side of self; taking 10 steps forward to only take 9 steps back. My mind's arms have been overwhelmed with the weight of being healed constantly changing.


I definitely can look in the mirror and smile. As complicated as I am, I am in love with who I am. I am in love with what makes me tick. I am in love with what I am about in my life. There’s just this one hurdle that I can’t seem to conquer completely, and it frustrates me.


One thing I can say is that no matter how fucked up something could be, I always manage to push forward. No matter how grueling, depressed, frustrated I’ve been. In the height of my depression with this disease, I’ve managed to get promoted, gain and grow friendships that I will forever love no matter if the path puts us at a fork in the road.


The biggest question that I ask myself during random moments (in the middle of a business meeting, watching Titanic in 3D, cruising this beautiful island I live on at 2am) will I ever completely break the chains that bind me of thinking about herpes? Of course, your thinking … probably not, this is for life. I understand that this thing, this disease is with me for life and managing it is an aspect of our relationship. However, will I break the chain of emptiness that it can bring? That is one aspect of our relationship that I wish to leave behind me forever.

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Hi Diversity...yes I know what you mean by those random moments, wierd how H pops into your head like that. I look at it that I have random moments about all sorts of things, some easy and nice and some difficult and I wish they would go away. They aren't limited to H so I just accept H as another one and let it go like the others....my ex husband cheating on me all through my marriage, the HPV I got from him, the ex boyfriend who lied to me and went back to his ex, the difficult people i have to deal with...any number of negative thoughts that i let go of like H.


Its part of us and yes will always be. When ever I think of it I say a little mantra "My body is strong and healthy and its healing power keeps my viruses sleeping" - I have both HSV2 and HPV (high risk strain). This helps me change the negative focus on my thoughts and replaces it with a thought that is much stronger and positive. It seemed silly at first but its now comforting and I have been symptom free for almost 3 months now after about 7 months of a constant first OB.


We cannot controtl the fact we have this virus, we can start to control our thoughts about it and this takes constant practice. I have been very creative and found all sorts of positive thoughts to replace the negative and it has worked. That emptiness is with me when i don't have anything good to replace the dark thoughts about H and H...when i continually do it the emptiness disappears. But its like any skill - daily practice and I use my imagination about being strong and healthy and am grateful for it.


I dont' want to sound like polyanna...it hasn't been easy but well worth the effort. In the meantime a hug for you and lots of healing energy is coming your way :-)

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Diversity ... first off, you write BEAUTIFULLY. (I always appreciate a good writer. It's the journalism major in me.) ;)


And I can totally relate to thinking "I'll never get over this disease called herpes. Since I feel like shit now, I'm going to feel like shit for life. Because herpes is for life." It kind of makes sense if you put it that way ... but this can lead us down a very unfortunate road ... a road where we believe that our relationship to ANYTHING in our lives stays absolutely consistent. Having herpes for life doesn't mean that this crappy relationship you have with herpes will be for life, too. We learn, we grow, we realize that beliefs can be changed. And most of the foulness herpes can bring in our lives is just that: foul beliefs. Beliefs that we actually ARE damaged goods, that no one will want damaged goods. That's a downward spiral that can create a pretty convincing self-fulfilling prophecy.


So know that your relationship to herpes will change. Even though it is for life, you won't feel like this for life.


Analogy time! (Yes, because I'm just that nerdy.) You know how that "new car" high (or new anything) has this amazing buzz to it for the first few months you have it ... then what happens? It dissipates. It changes. This sort of thing goes both ways. We get used to things. We get herpes and it's so shitty. It's shitty for a while. Then it changes. We get used to it. We shift our beliefs around what it means for us as people and as sexual creatures. Life (and beliefs about life) is dynamic. Ever-changing. Let it be that way instead of expecting the same, especially when the same feels shitty.


Thank you for sharing yourself here, Diversity. I have a new respect for you and who you are. I really felt good reading your part on how much you love yourself. That came through loud and clear. A healthy, solid self-love. And that is quite a beautiful foundation to work from.


Keep on rockin' it sista ... We're here for you.


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  • This content is for informational purposes only. This information does not constitute medical advice or diagnosis. I'm not a medical professional, so please take this as friendly peer support. 

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You know what I was surprised to notice recently? 80%+ people have the oral herpes virus; yet not one man I have ever kissed has ever asked me "do you have the cold sore virus?" or confessed that he has, before we kissed. It's not so different folks!


A man I was very interested in recently walked away from a relationship with me after I shared about being diagnosed with HSV years ago. It took me quite a while to get past my disappointment, as I felt we had a real possibility of long-term love. However I was always clear that it was the virus he was rejecting, not me. Then I remembered this thing about kissing.............no one seems to worry about getting HSV kissing, only having sex. My upsets totally disappeared then, I just thought, we are a bit crazy about this. I'd never had anyone reject being with me because of the virus before, so that was new; but then I thought, I could never be with anyone who was afraid of my body. Yet needless to say, this man and I had kissed passionately and long in the past. So while we all have our journey, have confidence that as you keep accepting your feelings, reaching out for help, and knowing you are not alone, and there's plenty of other challenges in sex and relationships, you will evolve with this and so will your thinking.

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  • 8 months later...

Hello everyone that posted on my story!


First off, I would like to thank you for taking the time to respond and say such positive things. I would secondly like to apologize for having disappeared. There's a sense of emotional detachment I always seem to have. It's not just with me and herpes, it's with me and everything.


Leilani: Thank you for reminding me that random thoughts of negativity aren't just saved for herpes. There is and will be other things in life that will appear at random times and that constant practice about our thoughts to be more positive is key. Thank you for sharing your story with me. You are a strong woman who has dealt with a lot more than me on the STD and personal level. Keep sharing your story!


Adrial: Thank you for the kind words about my writing. I appreciate it :D It's actually an activity that I have long forgotten. Thank you for saying that my relationship to herpes will evolve and change. We get used to what we have in all aspects of our lives, even with material things. Such an amazing analogy! I hope you don't mind if I borrow it from time to time. I assure that I give credit where its due. I love the nerdiness ;)


Rosie8: Thank you for sharing your story with me! Although it may still hurt because of what could have been between you two, there are tons more challenges in relationships. That I should have confidence that through accepting my feelings, I will evolve. Just like I told Leilani, keep sharing your story and using it to help those like us!


As a quick update, I have evolved greatly since April of last year. I'm actually looking into using my experience with herpes and other life events and personal issues I've had to help people. I'd like to one day provide a professional setting where people can get help through building a business. I've been looking into a few things, coming up with job descriptions, a website, and a bunch of other business aspects. I'm using my current career which is in business management to help fuel a career that I'd rather be in.


I just have to say that life is amazing and beautiful! It's filled with a multitude of positive and negative things, it is up to us what we do with what we are handed. Although I've struggled with herpes on an internal level and not allowed it to consume my entire life, there were still aspects I didn't allow myself to live. That will always be the case with anything. I look forward to being more active on this site and building bridges with people and start to wither away the emotional detachment that I have with me.


That was just a bunch of jibberish thrown together, lol. Thanks again guys!



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So great to hear back from you and see how you are doing...again you write beautifully :-). I am so glad you are sharing again and it sounds like you don't feel so empty now.


I think its awesome that you feel strong enough to support others and I would like to see your dream happen...you have so much to offer people and a beautiful heart. You would make such a difference in the world.


I will love to see you more often :-). This group of people has helped me evolve over the last year...I have been inspired, supported and feel a lot of love for everyone here. There are always dark times when we struggle and evolving seems to come to a halt or go around in frustrating circles...and then someone posts something that is a confirmation, and affirmation, a shout or just a whisper to us, and a light goes on. We feel become more aware, easier on ourselves and feel connected again.


So no matter how detached you are feeling I will send you love and blessings. xx



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Thank you Leilani for your love and support! I''m glad to hear how this blog has helped you come to terms and evolve the beauty that you already had. This blog is definitely one that is here to stay and the potential for it to grow and inspire others is gigantic. Adrial really did something great here! And although I didn't realize it until a few months ago, the connection of herpes being an opportunity to help other people is amazing. Adrial is a genius!


You are apart of a handful of people who have said positive things about my business idea. Thank you for having faith in my abilities :D


Here is an update:

This past Wednesday, I was talking with what I call my hybrid amigo. A hybrid amigo of mine is someone who isn't quite my friend, more of an acquaintance, who I have sexy time with. Him and I get along great when we converse. He's known about my status since the beginning when I was first diagnosed. He happened to be someone that I had slept with for a good amount of time before I met William.


Long story short, I would assume William wasn't happy and found pleasure with other women. I walked away so fast from that shit although it was difficult. With that experience came the gift of herpes. As I type that sentence, I chuckle then smirk. A lot of times my relationship to herpes is all good, but occasionally I have a hatred for its existence. Then I remind myself that my life could seriously be worse in many aspects.


So this hybrid amigo now I'm calling hybrid asshole, decides to tell me this past Wednesday that the website which I'm paying him some big bucks to make for me for my business venture, "don't expect your type of site to be a part of my business portfolio." O.O Excuse me?! Who the fuck said that I NEED my shit to be apart of yo SHIT?! Go fuck yoself from now on. Him and I got into it because I knew exactly what he meant and he knew that I knew.


After the anger subsided, a deep sadness washed over me and I allowed it to knock me on my ass. I allowed some narrow minded fuck who is deciding to be intimate with someone who he'd be embarrassed to be associated with for the same reason? Jesus, it goes to show how damaged he really is. He's a lost soul who I'm gonna make finish my shit that I paid him for and that's it!


I guess that I would have expected more from him being that him and I have known each other for so many years. I really think that's why I was so emotional in the coming days of our little argument.


Anyhoo.... (smh) Until next time!

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Oh, there's some other thoughts in the wind!


While I got my self sad pity party going this past week, I began questioning myself and if I would really be able to be as vulnerable and transparent about my life in the way that I dreamt about. I dreamt about being transparent about all the life events and personal issues I lived through to give a realness to my business. For the first time since dreaming about what I wanted to do, I became unsure. Unsure if I was strong enough to see it become reality. Scared about if I would be able to really deal with the negativity that would come its way.


I realized that no matter what, whether people have a reason to or not, they will find (not all of em mind you) a reason to bring you down. And when some people know very intimate things about you that they know is the softest spot, that's where they feel the need to stab. Whether people have the information or not, it can happen.


That is when I decided to get back on this site and put my picture up. I know that the entire world doesn't see it because it's not broadcasted, but it for me is a sense of vulnerability. I guess in time, slowly but surely, I'll be able to live what I dream.

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Go you!!!! I understand about putting yourself out there and feeling vulnerable. You are so beautiful with a gorgeous smile - keep smiling like that and any negativity will just dissolve! There is such personal power in being transparent...and the world needs more strong hearted and courageous people like you :-)


And if you have paid Hybrid Amigo then yeah make him finish the work...but you know what..keep smiling and being kind - you are a light for him and he is offering you an opportunity to teach about love and courage. I know how upsetting it will be...but you are bigger than that, and bigger than H :-).


A big hug diversity and let your light shine :-) ! x

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