Herpes disclosure - if it's so "not a big deal," why do I need to do it?

[lovinglife]

I understand the need to disclose to partners. Even if it wasn't pretty much universally agreed upon that it's the right thing to do (although I did have a doctor tell me that I didn't need to), I think I would personally feel the need to do it, not only to respect my partner and their choices, but also to not be keeping some big secret from my partner that would ultimately come between us.

 

However, I am struggling with feeling incredibly angry and bitter that the entire burden of responsibility falls on us poor, unlucky souls who happen to get physical symptoms of genital herpes or somehow otherwise find out we are infected, when the medical system basically discourages people from getting tested, gives people a false sense of security, our education is a total joke that doesn't help you protect yourself at all, and when 80+% of people have some form of herpes anyway, and the 80% who are walking around with genital herpes and don't know it bear no responsibility whatsoever even though they're spreading it. Why do I have to be the one that carries not only the burden of physical symptoms, the burden of psychological shame and stigma, but ALSO the burden of being one of the few people in the population who is "required" to disclose my herpes even though most people are walking around with it anyway and it's "only" a skin condition??

 

I'm not saying I won't disclose...but I feel really bitter and angry that on top of my physical symptoms, I have to take responsibility for this and carry the shame when no one else does.

[Kp07]

I agree with you. I feel so dirty and disgusted with myself meanwhile the guy I caught it from is a carrier and displays no symptoms. So he continues looking great and having sex and I feel like I’m having to hide under the blankets for the rest of my life. I live in Canada and while we have universal coverage (somewhat) you need to push doctors for every single thing. Our sex education is awful! When I found out the first thing I said to my doctor was “but we used a condom and I got the gardasil shot!”. Gardasil doesn’t protect against herpes at all only 4 strains of the 100’s of types of warts. Condoms don’t protect either! While it protects the shaft, if they broke out on another area guess what? SOL. Oh and hey, they could also have it in their throat and not know it either so better not kiss them. Seriously I am so angry and literally blind sided by this “illness”. He had NOTHING on him. Clean shaven downstairs and everything. Absolutely nothing on his mouth.

When I asked when he last had an STD test he said a week after he slept with the girl before he slept with me. Of course I assumed that means EVERYTHING but hey, HIV, HSV, syphillis are all separate tests that specifically need to be requested here where I live and even then the doctors won’t normally do them unless they themselves suspect something. Wtf. This should be standard yearly!

[lovinglife]

I'm in the same situation. The guy I'm sure I got it from has no symptoms and never has, other than what we think were cold sores on his mouth when he was a kid. I asked him to get tested once we started getting intimate and everything was negative. Our sex education is no better in the US, it's awful and feels like such a betrayal.

[lovinglife]

I also had no idea I could get it months after being with a partner...figured if I was going to get something I would have gotten from the get-go, so I felt safe. Realize now that was totally wrong. Then I thought maybe he cheated on me, but I really don't think he did. It's just a shit situation.

[IJDK]

i think we all feel the same way basically we are still grieving, coping and trying to rebuild

[RegularGuy]

Everything you all responded with is why to disclose.

You can't possibly condemn another person to unwittingly going through all of this pain and loss of identity without losing your own dignity and self respect in the process. And, without disclosure, you would be intentionally taking away another person's right to consent.

 

Play it up however you want, that's what we are talking about here.

Getting consent, or not.

 

Can you choose not to get consent?

Physically, yes.

 

Is it wrong to have sex with someone without consent each and every time?

Yes. It is necessary every time.

 

Is witholding the truth to avoid getting a 'no' answer when asking for consent still consent?

No. You must give a sexual partner 100% of the information you know that could effect their health and well being. Not telling them something that would change their answer about consent is the same as forcing yourself on them physically. In both cases, you would be forcing them to do something they didn't want to do.

 

So, don't misconstrue the issue. It's not 'not telling', it's avoiding getting consent to take advantage of another person and to cause them pain and misery.

Call it like it is.

[IJDK]

110

Everything you all responded with is why to disclose.

You can't possibly condemn another person to unwittingly going through all of this pain and loss of identity without losing your own dignity and self respect in the process. And, without disclosure, you would be intentionally taking away another person's right to consent.

 

Play it up however you want, that's what we are talking about here.

Getting consent, or not.

 

Can you choose not to get consent?

Physically, yes.

 

Is it wrong to have sex with someone without consent each and every time?

Yes. It is necessary every time.

 

Is witholding the truth to avoid getting a 'no' answer when asking for consent still consent?

No. You must give a sexual partner 100% of the information you know that could effect their health and well being. Not telling them something that would change their answer about consent is the same as forcing yourself on them physically. In both cases, you would be forcing them to do something they didn't want to do.

 

So, don't misconstrue the issue. It's not 'not telling', it's avoiding getting consent to take advantage of another person and to cause them pain and misery.

Call it like it is.

 

I agree 110%