Risk losing the true love of my life

[jma031964]

As I sit here waiting to board my flight, I constantly think about my upcoming disclosure to a woman I have grown to love on a completely different level over the past several months. I have known her for over 40 years and we have had a close friendship for most of those years. 

Over the past several months, I think I truly learned what true love is, where that love has grown without the physical intimacy, which is pretty special. However, to continue building on the trusting and honest relationship we have built, I now have to risk it all....a loving relationship and friendship.

In my head, I know this virus has ruled my approach to relationships for the past 29 years and it has caused me to settle into relationships based on my partner’s acceptance of my HSV status. This is truly the first relationship where I am fearful of losing someone that I absolutely adore. I really don’t know how I will react or manage the potential of a rejection. This one is just so different than anything I have ever experienced....she is truly the love of my life!

So....even though I have always remained positive, have experienced acceptance 5 times over the past 29 years, I honestly have to say that this virus is a big deal at this very point in my life. I’ve waited my whole life for someone like her. We both have traveled some windy roads to find each other and I believe her feelings for me are the same as mine for her. And now....here we are. I know what to say, but often times feel like I’m selling the point that this virus can be minimized, precautions can be taken to prevent transmission, and that I’m more than this virus. But the fact is, I could lose her in two weeks once she returns from vacation with her daughter.

YOU!!! ALWAYS!!!.....these are two words we say to each other often. And now I’m scared to death.

[mr_hopp]

Try not to focus on the "losing her" part. That does you no good. Focus on your connection with her. The trust you two have built together. You disclosing is an act of deeper trust. It's an act of your integrity.

Have you happened to download the e-book & handouts I wrote? Those will give you a great overview of this whole Opportunity thing, specifically around disclosure: 

https://herpesopportunity.com/free-ebook-signup.html 

The whole Opportunity here is that herpes, which initially may seem like a dealbreaker that would break love apart, can be the doorway into even greater levels of intimacy. It's not because of the herpes, but because of the vulnerability it takes to be real. The courage it takes to be your vulnerable self. Remember that. Keep the demons in your mind at bay. Replace them with love. I remember when I disclosed to the woman who is now my wife. It was such a lovely experience. Of course I was nervous, but it was more the giddy excitement of knowing that it was the point in our relationship to be truly vulnerable with each other, for me to put my heart on the line and leave the rest up to her and the flow of life. We laughed together, we cried together. She still looks back at that day with such fondness (we both do, of course) ... She says that was the day she truly fell in love with me. 

Being vulnerable and truly opening our hearts is always scary on some level. We're afraid of losing what we want, losing control. But remember that fear and excitement are actually the same feeling in our bodies (both show up in the exact same part of our brain in brain scans!), so remember when you feel the fear, consciously transform it into excitement. Let the nerves tell you that you care deeply about this woman (not that this whole thing will crash and burn and you'll die alone). 😉 It's all about mindset. And mindset is something we have control over. Always. 

I have a good feeling about you two. Based on what you said, this is a huge opportunity to relish and enjoy, not just to move past to get it over with. 

Here's a quote that might resonate with you:

“Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won't either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.”

(At first blush, this quote may seem negative, but along the lines of the Native American saying "Today is a good day to die" it can highlight our greatest fears to then help us to embrace them; once we embrace them, then we are more available to be present with ourselves, others and the moment at hand.)

[LotusBud]

Hey @22&Depressed,

I know right now you're grieving about your recent break up and that will take as long as it takes. I thought this thread might help you feel better about the future and shine a little light at the end of the dark tunnel. 

[22&Depressed]

@jma031964 hey. I know that feeling. My situation is different but I think that the end of the day, we’re all so scared about disclosure and rejection. I hope it went well for you. Did it? If you don’t want to talk about it, we don’t have to. 

[jma031964]

@22&Depressed I will be probably have my diacussion with her next weekend and I am terrified. We have been together for several months. I’m happy to help you any way I can.