losing it

[domh21]

Hi everyone

I haven't checked in awhile. Things have been going great. I feel back to normal whatever normal is hahaha

 

But recently I'm going back into depression. It has to do with who I think is my giver. Short summary bad on and off relationship. I believe he either knows he has and is in denial or never got tested and lied about it. Either way that's the jest. Anyways I know he's with a new girl and he's all happy and doing above and beyond for her. I try not to let it get to me but I can't help but feel damaged. Our relationship was over long before I got H and well he stopped loving me before that more like just wasting time with me. I still loved him.

 

Anyways H was the end all of our connection. It's been a good 7 months since we made an effort to see each other and speak. But I am constantly running into him as we live close by. It sucks. And he even drives by my house like almost on purpose to upset me. We don't speak. In fact he acts like he doesn't even know me.

 

Well Sunday we both wound up at the same car wash. I wanted to leave. I wanted to run and hide. But I didn't I purposely parked across from him. I acted like I didn't see him and he didn't matter. Inside I was trembling. It took all I had. And he said nothing, he didn't come up to my and I didn't go to him. He just stared. But it was like as if saying I"m nothing maybe that's just in my head.

 

It's driving me crazy. I know I don't want him back. But it's just driving me nuts like am I truly nothing? Why do I feel ashamed.

 

I am seeing a therapist for my depression and it's helped tremendously. She says I have PTSD from this relationship. Can you imagine that? Whenever I see him I start shaking and I break down it's awful. I just want to be over this.

 

I know with H it does no good to blame and to want to figure out who and why you got this. I'm not even so upset about it anymore it's like whatever but when it comes to this guy it's like I'm terrified. He knows this thing about me, something so private and I can't trust him. Like I don't know what he's saying about me. I hate that he even knows. ANd he's just out there doing his shit. He's all in love and with a new girl. A young ass girl too. I just have all these crazy emotions and I can't stand it. There's no closure. I know I have to give it to myself but I'm struggling.

 

Anyone ever felt the same or been in the same situation? Any help?

[james81]

hey domh21, hang in there sister!

 

First, The H has nothing to do with your situation. So get it out of the equation. Your mind is using your infection to punish you. Yeah, you are punishing yourself. So you better stop doing it.

 

How?

 

I believe time cures everything. The best thing you can do right now is keep visiting your therapist, she is a professional and her advice should be the only one you must follow. If you are dealing with depression, please, do not lurk too much on internet.

 

Second. You won't believe the capacity that humans have to heal from adversity. I mean, look at those poor things in Syria, Africa etc. Real human catastrophes and yet, they come up and thrive after all that adversity.

 

I know that these words will not comfort you, yeah, the world is unfair and there is so much pain. You are probably thinking "ok ok, but me?, what about me? no one knows how much I am suffering with this whole situation "

 

I know, and my heart is with you. knowing that people suffer too it won't help you to get out of the hole. But I want you to keep one door open. Let's call that open door HOPE.

 

It is possible. Its happening right now, somewhere. People suffer, lose everything, loved-ones gone, and yet, they go back in their feet and live.

 

You are one of them, you are warrior, you are playing this game call life in hard mode. You will win this. Believe.

[Pacific]

Oh domh21, I am so sorry that you feel so shaken by this man. It makes me sad because I have read your other posts and you are a kind, loving person with a big heart. I am really proud that you stood your ground and didn't flee the minute you saw him at that car wash! I mean, a girl has got to get a car wash, right? We can't stop living our lives because of some guy.

 

One time, I was walking with a friend. We were talking, but suddenly I went quiet. I started breathing rapidly. My friend got alarmed and asked if I was all right. Basically, I panicked because I thought I saw the guy from whom I contracted herpes. It wasn't him, but, clearly, the prospect of meeting the guy again caused me to freak out.

 

I've thought a lot about my reaction since then. Brenda and Adrial have both written that our feelings about herpes are often tied to bigger emotions and experiences associated with H. I associate H with rejection. When I found out that I contracted herpes, my thought was "okay, he has H (he was part of the 80% of the population who has no idea), I have H...we can have H together!" But he picked someone else and that, coupled with herpes, devastated me. I felt rejected and abandoned. But, honestly, he was going to pick some other girl regardless of herpes, I just associate the two in my mind.

 

So I wonder if you react so adversely to this man because he is emblematic of a bigger emotion or problem for you? You mention that you had a bad on-again-off-again relationship with the guy. Did you two have trust issues? I hope you can identify the reason he has such a hold over you. I bet herpes is just one (small) part of the equation.

[domh21]

James81 you are right there's a lot of suffering in this world and most of those people are resilient. It helps to think if the bigger picture. This is not so bad.

 

Pacific thank you!! I can totally relate to your feelings. It is rejection. He rejected me a lot. He went after other women so it really wasn't H he was gonna be with someone else regardless and now he is. Every time I see him it brings back that disgusted look he gave me. How he fell off the face of the earth when I told him. He's the only one who ever made me feel bad about having H. But people have said that might have been his guilt cuz he knows it is him. And that probably is why he won't face me. Who knows but my feelings stem from his rejection and judgment and the fear of who he is telling, I can't trust him.

 

Hopefully I can be free of these feelings soon.

 

Thanks for reading and responding!!

 

[Pacific]

He sounds like a bully because he exploited you and then lashed out at you when you were in a vulnerable position. Like most bullies, I bet he has low self-esteem. In the book "The Good News about the Bad News", the author, Terri Warren, writes that when she is counseling discordant couples (one is H positive, the other is not), the people who have a really hard time handling herpes are usually the ones whose identity is defined or dependent on sex. Do you think this guy needs constant female attention? Needs sex to feel powerful and validated? Maybe that's why he rejected you when you disclosed to him. He felt that herpes threatened his identity. In some ways, I bet he's scared that you might say or do something that will screw up his mojo!

 

You can take the "power" away from him. The more you stand up to him, the more confident you become, the more secure you are, the more insecure and threatened he will feel. Maybe he will start telling people about your H status. But hey, he gave it to you without disclosing! Hold your head up high girl. Just realize that this guy is probably as scared of herpes and you, as you are of him.

[NewLife2013]

Play a little game with yourself - every time you have a negative thought about him, when those familiar feelings of rejection wash over you, when you see him in public...turn that sick feeling in the pit of your stomach into power. Everytime you have an emotion over this man, you give him a little bit more of your power. Now it's time to take it back! He doesn't deserve to have any piece of you. You say he knows the hold he has over you, prove to yourself that era is over. Don't give it sing more negative attention than it deserves. You do you and do it right.

Hugs!

[domh21]

Pacific yes I think he prides himself on his sexual nature. How good he is in bed and his physique but deep down inside is masking his insecurities about his own disability.

 

Newlife2013 that sounds like an awesome game I totally am down to play!! It is time to take my power and strength back!!

 

Thank you both!!

[james81]

Seems like newlife2013 is sharing the powerful secrets of cognitive psychology.

 

Domh21 use those tricks at your own discretion and be careful. The outcome could be that you will become a really powerful woman and enslave the Universe!