Scared

[Steve888]

I was just recently diagnosed with HSV2. I’m losing my shit and feel like I have nowhere to turn so I decided to come here and look for a little help.

I’m married and have been with my wife for 9 years. I was a wild person before I met her, but never had any STD’s. In the beginning of 2018 my wife found out that she was positive for the BRCA1 gene mutation and decided that she was going to have a double mastectomy and a hysterectomy. This has brought an unbelievable amount of stress and depression into both of our lives. It’s been a hard year.

About 30 days before her surgery(beginning of May) I had an ingrown hair about 2” above the base of my penis on my pubic mound. This wasn’t a big deal to me because I always get ingrown hairs in that area because I trim regularly. After a week it was still there and I was having some strange sensations so I went to the doctor. The doctor thought it was an infected hair follicle at first but decided to swab for HSV after I shared my syndromes. It was weird because it was just one red bump that looked like a pimple. Well the test came back positive and I’ve been an absolute wreck. I have no idea where this came from and a million things are running through my mind. My first fear is that my wife either cheated at some point or will accuse me. I’m about 99% sure she didn’t do anything wrong, especially lately with all that’s going on with her. It’s impossible actually. So she’s definitely going to accuse me and I honestly have no answer as to where this came from. I was diagnosed with Hepatitis C last year from past drug use and was able to get rid of it with treatment, so being diagnosed with another disease has made me feel like such a piece of shit and I’m so afraid to tell my wife. 

So I have a few questions: Is this something I could have had all along and I’m just having an out break now? Maybe stress brought it out? Maybe all of my “ingrown hairs” have been mild HSV2 outbreaks? How have I not passed this to my wife in 9 years? My history before I met her could definitely explain where it came from but I’m baffled as to how I never knew. Considering the sensations I’ve been feeling in my genitals I’m fairly positive this has to be my first outbreak. I’ve never felt anything quit like this before!

And here’s the biggest question of all, how the fuck do I tell her about this? With everything she’s going through I just haven’t been able to throw this onto her shoulders as well. On the other hand, it’s been torture having to shoulder it alone. If anyone has any insight into my situation and any suggestions as to how I should handle it I’m all ears. 

Thanks.

[Strength123]

@Steve888 I'm so sorry you are going through this. I can't imagine the stress that you and your family are going through. Fortunately, you are already on the right path by seeking support and information. Here are some answers based on my two weeks of frantic research: Yes, you could have had it all this time and not have noticed (it happens to many people). Yes, stress is a huge trigger and the stress of your wife's health definitely could have triggered this outbreak. Yes, it's possible you had more mild outbreaks in the past that went un-noticed. It's possible that she does not have it, but it's also possible that she does have it and has not shown symptoms.

Now for the biggest question of all, how to tell your wife. If I put myself in her shoes, I would like to find this out from a partner in a way that is calm, informative, supportive and comforting. I would anticipate many questions regarding possible contraction of hsv, transmission rate, symptoms, infidelity etc, and be ready with answers for all of these questions. Fidelity does quickly come into question but after research most people will understand that this is something that you could not have noticed for years and does not mean anyone had an affair. Talk to her in a way that conveys your deep love and support. I think if you do your research and present this in a loving, calm manor, then things will go better than you expect.

I hope that helped. I'm wishing you all the best. Please let us know how it goes.

Warmly,

Strength123

[JulyP]

@Steve888 breath in.

To answer your question yes, your ingrown hairs might have been H all along and/or yes, you could have had it and not know for x amount of years. 

It sound like you are going through a hard time, but even if you feel scared about telling your wife you need to trust she will be understanding and that your partnership will endure. Since she has a health history that could affect her immune system it is very important you disclose. It is possible she's already contracted the virus and she's simply an asymptomatic carrier, but it is also possible she has never contracted it, in which case you could talk to a doctor to guide you in keeping her H free. 

Stress is indeed a huge trigger of outbreaks, even if you never had pain or itching or tingling or nerve pain, you could be experiencing it now. It doesn't necessarily have to be your first outbreak. Many ppl in this forum have varied amounts of discomfort and even thou normally the first outbreak is the worst, it doesn't play out like that for every organism, it also depends on your immune system, your diet, your stress levels... and who knows what else. 

 @Strength123 has given you some really good advice on how to disclose. I would only add that you need to come to terms with H first. H is not only something you get when you cheat or sleep around. If you read the experiences in this forum you'll see there is such a myriad of stories and you'll realize that literally anyone can get this. Before you tell your wife try know that this is nobody's fault and that there is no reason to put guilt in the relationship.

Wishing you the best too!  

 

[Amando]

Hi Steve888

Not anything more I can add to what Strength123 & JulyP have brilliantly explained to you.

Just that you have come to the right place as there empathy & compassion shows in their words

Be strong & Good luck 

[Steve888]

Thank you guys for the kind words and support. I’ve done my fair share of research and brainstorming but it really does help to hear from people going through the same thing. I have so many questions and concerns and will definitely take advantage of this forum. 

[sweetlove884]

Hope you're ok.  How are things going? 

[Steve888]

I’m actually considering having the talk today. My wife was just cleared by her dr for physical activity which will include sex at the end of this week. I’ve been putting it off as long as possible, unfortunately the time has come. I’ll post here and let everybody know how it went.

[Strength123]

@Steve888Wishing you all the best! Disclosing is never easy but you have the knowledge and love to help you through it. Sending good vibes your way.

Warmly,

Strength123

[Steve888]

I had the talk with my wife tonight. She was more upset that I kept it from her for so long than she was about what I had to tell her. She didn’t blame me or accuse me. She asked some questions and was pretty understanding. I was surprised, I should have given her more credit.

I could tell she was shocked but was trying to keep it together, she’ll make an appt with her ob tomorrow and ask them all of the questions she has and come up with a plan to get tested (if possible) and go from there.

Thanks to everyone for all of the support and encouragement. I feel so much better having gotten that off of my chest.