I have it, and not in the best headspace

[Neo_Tokio]

So, it's my reality. I've recently officially tested positive with HSV 2 and I don't really know how to process it all. Kinda saw it coming. I used protection, and she didn't disclose or didn't know (I don't know what to think) but there was a mishap and I apparently got in contact with the virus somehow a couple months ago. 

I feel this all  happened at the worst time too. I'm not gonna be filling this up with my life story or anything, but just when things were going somewhere with me, it feels life was there to remind not to feel better. Starting going through a very stressful rough patch and this was icing on the crap cake. 

I kinda avoided hooking up and dating for quite sometime due to no motivation and whatnot, and when I finally take back the plunge, this is what I got to show for it. 

I'm also diagnosed with things such as bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety, etc. drawing the short straw in mental health in my family apparently, so despite the tone of this post, I really am struggling to keep myself grounded and gaining a decent perspective. 

I'm aware this is usually the case for a lot of people looking around. Feeling gross. Feeling practically subhuman. But I'm too ashamed to discuss this with anyone around me yet in person. I can't bring mysekf to even talk to some kind of professional yet. But I guess I need some kind of more direct contact to talk about this with, or anyone who can just give me some kind of advice.

I've gotten good at hiding my issues so no one suspects much of anything, but I'm practically internally screaming all the time. And when I'm alone, I find myself just focused on so much of this bad. I'm crying alot.

Maybe I'm being overdramatic, but it's not easy to calm my mind. I know I'm not alone, but I can't seem to stop feeling alone.

 I even actively distanced myself from potential relationship prospects and friends in subtle ways due to me feeling so inferior or something nowadays. Spending unhealthy amounts of time locked in my room. Only with my dog who's the only one apparently aware something is wrong with me and making me very sad.

Again, maybe I'm being overdramatic or this is being extreme and I apollgize if I look silly because I don't really like feeling like I'm trying to seek some pity party, but I just need some kind of advice. 

Some kind of direct contact to help me get a bit more content with an unfortunate circumstance. So I can start figuring this stuff out better. Even though there's steps to take in the right direction, my mind feels like it doesn't know the direction and feeling just lost. How did you deal? What is this deal?

[Kitzia]

I was just diagnosed this week too. I found that telling my two closest friends was my turning point. They shared my anger, my sadness, and ultimately got me to see some humor in my situation. Not that herpes is funny, but you really have to forgive yourself and not blame yourself. Sure learn from it, but don’t let it keep you down.

I also found that the partners that I told about it weren’t angry, but told me that I was brave for letting them know and thanked me? It was bizarre, but I guess H is really as common as you read.

Something that I thought was going to be the end of my life turned into a way for me to grow up and have very mature conversations with the people around me. I think that if you start to open up you’ll see it’s not that bad. People will still love you regardless of this virus. It just takes a little time to get there, and you don’t have to rush.

Chin up and feel free to reach out to me if you need a friend.

[Sil88]

Hey, you remind me of myself. 4 years ago, I caught hsv2 from a girl who didn't tell me or didn't know. I had the exact feelings you are describing, which amplified the depression and anxiety I already had. We tried to develop the relationship, but this week I realised it was built on sand and it's fallen away. So now I'm sat with my dog in my room too.. it's funny how they know.

You don't seem overdramatic - in fact, it seems like you've taken it in your stride (at least, more than I did). Let me tick off the things that did or did not help in my experience. I told a couple of friends, but it was quite soon.. so at the time, I was over-reacting and I probably described it in the worst way possible. Pros are - it's good to get it off your chest, and the occasional Walking Dead joke is appreciated. Cons are - at first, they're ignorant and check it's okay to share food and stuff (revise your facts first). And think twice if you may want them to set you up with one of their friends in future.

Relaxation - it's probably good that you're already dealing with mental health stuff, since you may have practiced relaxation techniques, mindfulness, CBT etc. As you'll have read, the virus thrives on stress so it really makes a difference. Hot baths, an exercise routine, and actually giving some thought to eating healthily did the trick too.

The feeling gross bit faded pretty quickly, I wouldn't worry about that. At first I was hyper-hygienic, but as outbreaks become much less common (hopefully), you tend to forget.

I'm not sure what direction is right for you, but for the time being you just get to the end of each day/week until you're firmer on your feet.

Finally, the symptoms can be weird..especially combined with generic anxiety ones.. so don't get too imaginative if you do notice any.

Anyway, keep on top of it - I suspect you'll realise a lot of the questions you have were there before herpes, you just needed it to bring them into focus. There are actually some positives to catching this - I mean, even when dating (when you feel like it), it's an opportunity to prove your integrity, honesty, communication skills and show a little vulnerability. Outside of dating, it's a kick up the ass to fix things and you may grow more independent. Whatever doesn't kill you..

[Neo_Tokio]

On 10/6/2018 at 6:44 AM, Kitzia said:

I was just diagnosed this week too. I found that telling my two closest friends was my turning point. They shared my anger, my sadness, and ultimately got me to see some humor in my situation. Not that herpes is funny, but you really have to forgive yourself and not blame yourself. Sure learn from it, but don’t let it keep you down.

I also found that the partners that I told about it weren’t angry, but told me that I was brave for letting them know and thanked me? It was bizarre, but I guess H is really as common as you read.

Something that I thought was going to be the end of my life turned into a way for me to grow up and have very mature conversations with the people around me. I think that if you start to open up you’ll see it’s not that bad. People will still love you regardless of this virus. It just takes a little time to get there, and you don’t have to rush.

Chin up and feel free to reach out to me if you need a friend.

I've only been able to talk about it a bit with one of my closest friends online. But it is the reality of the situation, so eventually I'll have to come to terms with it and adapt. 

Thanks for the response though.

[Neo_Tokio]

On 10/6/2018 at 8:41 AM, Sil88 said:

Hey, you remind me of myself. 4 years ago, I caught hsv2 from a girl who didn't tell me or didn't know. I had the exact feelings you are describing, which amplified the depression and anxiety I already had. We tried to develop the relationship, but this week I realised it was built on sand and it's fallen away. So now I'm sat with my dog in my room too.. it's funny how they know.

You don't seem overdramatic - in fact, it seems like you've taken it in your stride (at least, more than I did). Let me tick off the things that did or did not help in my experience. I told a couple of friends, but it was quite soon.. so at the time, I was over-reacting and I probably described it in the worst way possible. Pros are - it's good to get it off your chest, and the occasional Walking Dead joke is appreciated. Cons are - at first, they're ignorant and check it's okay to share food and stuff (revise your facts first). And think twice if you may want them to set you up with one of their friends in future.

Relaxation - it's probably good that you're already dealing with mental health stuff, since you may have practiced relaxation techniques, mindfulness, CBT etc. As you'll have read, the virus thrives on stress so it really makes a difference. Hot baths, an exercise routine, and actually giving some thought to eating healthily did the trick too.

The feeling gross bit faded pretty quickly, I wouldn't worry about that. At first I was hyper-hygienic, but as outbreaks become much less common (hopefully), you tend to forget.

I'm not sure what direction is right for you, but for the time being you just get to the end of each day/week until you're firmer on your feet.

Finally, the symptoms can be weird..especially combined with generic anxiety ones.. so don't get too imaginative if you do notice any.

Anyway, keep on top of it - I suspect you'll realise a lot of the questions you have were there before herpes, you just needed it to bring them into focus. There are actually some positives to catching this - I mean, even when dating (when you feel like it), it's an opportunity to prove your integrity, honesty, communication skills and show a little vulnerability. Outside of dating, it's a kick up the ass to fix things and you may grow more independent. Whatever doesn't kill you..

I really appreciate this. I was able to talk a bit about it with one of my closest online friends, and she was reasuring me that her opinion on me didn't change in the slightest. I feel kinda bad for doubting someone like her, as I'm sure my good friends won't think what I'm thinking. 

Still, it's easier to say than do. I'm still seeing someone who I hate. I feel like I did something very wrong. I never considered ANY kind of silver lining, and I'm hoping I can learn to make better with the hand I've been dealt. 

It just feels like such a long, uphill battle for me. I stopped doing things I enjoy and even stopped working on my novel. 

But you gave me some stuff to think about. Thanks. 

[Redfaith417]

I wish you felt better ♡ you sound great,  intelligent.. I think I'd feel the same way if my symptoms were worse and I knew what this was earlier but I have dealt with very mild symptoms for 3 years before officially being diagnosed.  I'm a writer too! And a mom haha so finding out I don't have HSV1 made me super happy I wasn't passing it to my kid with all the affection I give him.  I laughed that you said sub human.i feel like a super human.. and that's hard to describe but knowing I have herpes 2 makes me feel like I'm the one who needs protecting! 80% of hsv2 carriers don't know so what else do they have? Since we are now more at risk of contracting other stuff. I'm a female so I look at it this way.. if I like a guy,  I can tell him.. he can move on... and have a 16% chance of having sex with someone with hsv2 who doesn't know it. The only way to protect himself is to ask her to test for it because likely she hasn't.  Or he can proceed getting to know me,  cause I'm great,  and he'll have a 4% chance or less of contracting it from me but I will protect him and he a greater partner in alot of ways because of this virus. I'm enjoying the fact that I'll never be with another shithead that doesn't care about me, buying cute comfortable cotton underwear and taking care of myself. I ordered a natural supplement to boost my immune system and I'm decorating the jar I put them in like they are super hero pills.. and made oregano oil salve to put on my spine. I only OB like twice a year, but i wanted to make sure I had all the support here at home.  I really liked a ted talk a girl with genital hsv1 gave.. watch that when you need reminding that you are the same cool mofo you were.. much love xoxo

[Amando]

Hi Neo_Tokio

Unlike a lot of people, when I first got this 8 years ago, it really didn't bother me that much, I thought its only a skin infection 😉
I didn't think I was dirty or gross & you are certainly not those things either, H can happen to anyone.
I contracted it from a girl I dated for a year & she said nothing about it & she knew she had it alright!

Your reactions seem like the norm though & I can only imagine how hard it is with your other mental health problems.

Nothing you can write on here is to extreme or needs to be apologised for, as this is what this great website is here for.
How you feel is how you feel after all, so tell it how it is!

It does help to have someone to talk too, so its great that you have your friend to confide in & telling close family will help.

I promise you though, having H is not that bigger deal & I think having a more relaxed attitude helps contribute to minimum OB's.

At the moment you are new to this, but give it more time to sink in, you will realise, you are still the same person but perhaps stronger, come on here when you need to vent/talk/release.

Good luck mate! things will only get better for you 🙂