Driving myself mad

[Alwayshavehope]

So I got diagnosed in summer. I was going away shortly after...so as shocking and painful as everything was, I just had to get on with it. I had minor blips, but generally my mind was elsewhere. I started researching a lot when I came home and got so stressed I brought a 2nd OB on. Luckily, I had plans to go away over xmas.. so again my mind was elsewhere. 

Since coming back I have been reading this forum every waking hour. It helps.. but then also you see a lot of stories from people like me who are afraid and can't get over it...and then that sets me back again. I think I'm just becoming obsessive. I know everything there is to know...but I try desperately to find more and more out. 

I was taken advantage of by the first guy I liked after my awful break up the year before which left me in a real state (I'm assuming the H was from him as it happened about a week later...though I do remember symptoms similar but MUCH milder years ago that no doctor could explain as I had no lesions just what I thought was recurrent thrush and hermerroids).

Luckily, I met a wonderful man in the summer who knows everything and has been completely wonderful and accepting. I'm so nervous that my anxiety will be through the roof if and when we become intimate and ill spoil everything for him. I want to be close to him but I'm so nervous about giving this to him... then i hate the fact that I feel infectious and capable of causing someone harm (more psycologically). 

I've always had boyfriends but I've always been quite nervous and shy in general. This has only increased with my diagnosis. I feel like I'm locking myself up in a box and my head is a mess. Most of all...I'm battling shame and feeling disappointed in myself. I've got MS and have had it since being in my teens (now 30). I've always tried to look after myself and I feel like this has just made my life so much worse. This isn't going to help... 2 neurological conditions. I fear for my future more than I ever have. 

Sorry for being a pity party. I'm not asking for sympathy. I think i just wanted to talk to someone as I'm struggling more than ever with it at the moment. I just don't know how to cope and I know I can't carry on like this. 

Hope you are all well

x

[Lonelygirl88]

I am right there with you. I am a mess and I think I am becoming obsessed too. That is great you found someone who is accepting. I fear that I will not be so lucky but I hope I will be. Don't know why I am even wanting it. I have a child and I am more afraid for her then some guy. I don't know how to make myself happy again. I'll get happy for like a sec and then I look at myself and just get right back to feeling miserable. I wish I could go back to not even knowing I had this just so I could feel normal again. I am 30 as well and I just feel like my life is over. I know this isn't a death sentence and I should just go back to normal like others say, but... Damn.. I just wish I could go back and change this shit. 

[Alwayshavehope]

Hello thanks so much for replying. I'm sorry to hear you are feeling the fulll force of this too. 

You know what...i got myself so low this weekend that I scared myself. I kept shaking and honestly thought I couldn't carry on. I think it might have taken that to really shake me up. 

I've vowed to sort my head out. My best friend has just had a baby..the man of my dreams is taking me away in April, regardless of H. Ive realised that I am more than this diagnosis...just like Ive been more than my Ms. Im still clumsy and still can't sing. Still love my dog to pieces etc. The herpes success stories forum helped and I think if I do read anything I'm going to focus on those stories now..just to sort my head out. I already feel so much better for accepting this for what it is..a little irritation. 

In england we have the HVA. I emailed them fot advice and they told me this... i realised how many of us there are! All functioning...al living. 100% we can do this... Im so tired of judging myself and hating myself now..we didn't choose this.. but we do choose how much we let it affect our future. Someone is definitely going to accept you... with all the facts..it's hard for someone not to see it for the minor thing that affects millions of us. And if they don't even armed with all the facts ... they arent worth it!!

Hope you are doing better. Look after yourself xx we WILL be ok!!

 

By age 25 seven out of ten are carriers of the virus. We cannot say how many caught it genitally and how many facially as only one in three is aware of having it at all.

 

By 35 we know that over 85% of women carry this virus.

 

 

 

[Lonelygirl88]

It was nice to read that. It's crazy how many people are living with this and not even knowing it. I blame it on the health departments not adding it to the main panel to test for. I can't even believe why Hospitals don't check automatically when pregnant. When I found out about this I was panicking and called my office that checked me while pregnant and asked if they checked for it and she was like no, only if you had a history of it... I was like well how the hell would I have known unless I was freaking tested. Ugggh it made me so mad. But anyways , you are right, this doesn't define who we are. I am trying to accept it. I don't want to live miserable for the rest of my life. I want to be happy again. I want to continue having a successful life. I want to go back to school and build up in my career. I want to be happier with my child... I don't want this to control my life. 

I want to be more like that girl that goes around talking about her ghsv2. Have you seen her on you tube. I think she is only like 25. I can't remember her name but she just openly talks about her situation and she feels so free. I would love to actually talk to her in person. I wish I just had someone physically here to talk to. 

[girltryingtodate]

On 2/12/2019 at 3:14 AM, Lonelygirl88 said:

It was nice to read that. It's crazy how many people are living with this and not even knowing it. I blame it on the health departments not adding it to the main panel to test for. I can't even believe why Hospitals don't check automatically when pregnant. When I found out about this I was panicking and called my office that checked me while pregnant and asked if they checked for it and she was like no, only if you had a history of it... I was like well how the hell would I have known unless I was freaking tested. Ugggh it made me so mad. But anyways , you are right, this doesn't define who we are. I am trying to accept it. I don't want to live miserable for the rest of my life. I want to be happy again. I want to continue having a successful life. I want to go back to school and build up in my career. I want to be happier with my child... I don't want this to control my life. 

I want to be more like that girl that goes around talking about her ghsv2. Have you seen her on you tube. I think she is only like 25. I can't remember her name but she just openly talks about her situation and she feels so free. I would love to actually talk to her in person. I wish I just had someone physically here to talk to. 

I know the girl you are talking about and her videos really help me feel like maybe one day I can be strong enough to deal with it like that. Right now I'm pretty much a mess and when it comes time to disclose I pretty much cry and just turn the situation worse than it needs to be. I'm back to a point where I think I'm just going to stop dating again. Get a cat and just die alone.

[Lonelygirl88]

Hey hun. It really sucks we are all feeling this way. My mom is starting to yell at me because of the dumps I've been in and she is sad seeing me like this. I want to feel better. I want to be happy again. I want to go back thinking this is all just symptoms of a uti.. I want to tell more friends so I can have more people to talk about it with but then I choke and talk about something else. It sucks too because I know my best friend has oral herpes but she denies it and just thinks she has fever blsters so I don't want her judging me or telling the other girls she hangs out with. I am thinking that I'm not wanting to date though. Which sucks because I love having someone by my side but I'm so unhappy with myself that I don't want to bring someone in to my unhappiness. I have so much to clean up in my life though that I need to focus on. My mom has been single for 6 years and she says yes Shee is lonelybu she also likes being free and being able to do whatever she wants and not have the drama. I just want friends damn it. Some good friends that I can rely on and have fun with. 

[girltryingtodate]

ARGH I am so sorry that you also feel like this. It is the worst shit I've had to deal with. I keep telling myself there is a lesson in this somewhere and there must be a positive in this all but I just can't see it yet. It's so nice that you are open with your mom and that she supports you. Until recently I hadn't opened up to anyone about it bc I had really awful initial reactions from two friends. When I was first diagnosed I told my roommate because I really needed to talk to someone and her reaction was to buy toilet seat covers and make me feel like I was disgusting. Needless to say that it took me very long after that to disclose to others. The other friend I told went and told her boyfriend and all their friends. Thank god I am no longer in that circle of people. I've recently opened up to my sister and it has helped me a lot. I also opened up to a gay friend of mine who was more supportive and open-minded than I could have ever anticipated any human to be. I know what you mean about talking to people ... it really feels like a burden is lifted off your shoulders and like you're just a little bit closer to feeling like yourself. I figure every conversation I have with people I trust will help prepare me for the day I have to disclose to a partner. I want to be open and confident and not feel like I am a diseased unlovable creature. I need to work on the way I see myself. Sometimes I get swept up in making myself perfect to the outside world so that I don't get hurt. I'm hard on the way I look and dress and am always wanting to have the perfect job and personality .. as if somehow all that will make the person I am with see past this disease. I just want to be myself and find someone who can love me for who I am with my flaws. 

[Ihavequestions]

I just found out not long ago that I probably have hsv2. I have an auto immune disorder so I am still freaking out. I have to take immune suppressants for it. How does it effect your MS? Isn't that an auto immune disorder too? I thought I read it could complicate MS also and make it worse. I could be wrong though. I've had a 6 month long anxiety attack since finding out. My doctors have actually told me I don't have it but I'm not convinced. I had a positive pcr but I've had neg blood work up to 18 weeks. 

[Lonelygirl88]

Well shit that worries me bc I am afraid that I have caught hsv2 but so far all of my tests have been negative but my last test was only at 9 weeks post exposure... So that means I could still have it.. this fucking sucks. The waiting fucking sucks. 

[Ihavequestions]

CDC says everyone will have antibodies by 16 weeks, so you need to keep testing till then. Most doctor's say till at least 12 weeks.  So I recommend  to get tested till 16 weeks. But I read online it can take up to 6 months to show up. I go in next weekend to be retested and I'll be at 23 weeks. But then I was told opposite things. One doctor told me the valtrex they gave me could effect my results so I need to come off of it for 12  weeks and retest.