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Advice regarding a woman with herpes (I don't have herpes)

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I'm here as someone who wants to date someone with Herpes.

So some history is needed and as with any interpersonal relationship, there are many aspects here. Please bear with me.


I am an adult college student (32) and she is 21. So right off the bat I know that's going to be a huge issue to some people and not one at all to others. I look like I'm her age and nobody knows the difference. So that's one big factor here I think too, but I also think Herpes is a huge factor as well. More on that in a second. So here's the history thus far:


I met this girl in February last year. At first we just chatted at school and so on. It was clear from the first time we met that we were attracted to each other. I am always nervous around younger women because of the obvious age difference. So after talking with her a lot I came to the conclusion that she was pretty mature. I also found out she is a devout Christian, and I am as well. That is a critical point for me. So I got her number and we connected on FB. We started texting (only) and I quickly asked her out on a date for the next weekend. She accepted happily and sounded really excited. I had not told her my age, she had no idea. I texted her the next day in the interest of full disclosure and told her. She responded that she thought the age difference was too great, that I look so young, and she was sorry. I was fine with it, understand completely and said we can just be friends, that's fine with me. We kept texting that day for about another hour or two about "relationship stuff." The next day I texted her a joke stemming from that conversation. So the next week of school rolls around and she comes there looking hotter than ever. Way more dressed up than usual. Stops and says hello to me and talks while my jaw is on the floor. I told her she looked great later that night in a text. She stated it was for me, she wanted to look good for me but not be too sexual. The conversation got VERY MILDLY sexual (just innuendo) for a second. Then we just talked about random stuff.


Later that week I had a huge test to prepare for. She was texting me a lot at this point (and I her too). The hey is she was initiating. I started to think maybe she changed her mind about the age thing. So I'm up late studying and she texts me about how comfortable her bed is tonight etc. I said "you behave." She texted me an innocent picture of her hairdo a little later and said good night. She said something about being sorry for starting a sext type thing while I was studying. I said no biggie. I get a text the next morning early as crap like "I can't do this to you and play with your feelings. I like you a lot but the age thing is something I don't think I can get past." (Here's is where Herpes is about to come in) So for the second time I'm saying I understand, and from my position age difference is hard to accept sometimes and I understand her position. I stated that I was her friend, she could count on me for help etc. and that she's really great in my book. So then THE TEXT... "There are other factors." I was asking "like what" and all this stuff.


She kept saying strange things but nothing that tipped me off. I thought maybe she had a boyfriend or something like that. Finally I said, I wish you'd tell me what's going on, I can tell you're upset, that there is something about us being together that is a far bigger issue than the age thing. I wish you'd trust me and just tell me what's going on." Finally she told me and I instantly responded that it was not a problem. I do not have HSV, but something just told me that I needed to not care about this. She was still emotional, said thank you but wanted to stop talking because it was too much. I texted her the next day and asked her is the real issue is herpes and not age or whatever. She said it was Herpes and fear of commitment.


At this point I was getting skiddish because of her behavior, not the HSV. So I said let's chill and just take this slow and not put any labels on things. She was cool with that. So we went out a few times to lunch at school as half friends half not. We had a "date" setup for a weekend evening after the semester (early summer at this point). She started acting really strange again and I figured she was going to blow me off and got mad at her. We had a small (very small) fight. Didn't talk for a few weeks. We talked a few weeks later and made everything 100% cool again. We were not communicating anymore on a frequent basis. I called her once over the summer to congratulate her on an accomplishment and told her to keep in touch. In the past she was not shy about contacting me (at least not super shy). She never called or anything.


So school started a few weeks back and I knew I was going to run into her. We're both in the business college and are usually in the same building all day. Long story short we're talking again and it's better than before. We both are more open and she is telling me so much more. She actually told me about how she contracted Herpes.


She clearly has a lot of regrets and feelings of guilt (and stupidity) surrounding her infection. I've been as supportive as I can.


I have a rare instance in that I had shingles as a child and from the looks of things they are similar. Shingles was REALLY painful. It looked the same, and it scared me for a long time (time healed them).


Sometime when we talk about it I feel like I'm patronizing her. Like I don't want to be not genuine in my concern. I want to be there for her (as a friend first) but not make her feel worse. It feels touchy sometimes. I never bring it up first, and try to act like it's as common as a knee scrape. (which it really kind of is).


What general advice can you guys give me? Another concern is that she may be talking to me just because I am maybe one of few guys who accept the herpes (another friend with is told me this....never knew she had it...).


I want to make it clear I'm not some dude hard up for attention from women. I'm a quite attractive man and get a lot of attention from women. The thing is, this lady is in many ways the woman of my dreams. She posses many qualities I've not found in other women. I get the feeling she may be "the one." I don't kid myself either and I know it takes two to tango and she might not be there.


I just need advice on how to handle this and not make it the central subject in our relations. If she brings it up, fine, but I want to move on to more important things. I've got it kind of bad for her as you might can tell.


I don't want to get hurt emotionally. I know the physical risks involved and just want some perspective from someone who knows what it's like to be on the other side of the issue.


My friends all tell me I'm desperate and crazy to even consider dating her.....


Thank you in advance

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Advice.. Get to be friends first and youll know if it goes beyond physical attraction and more of an emotional connection. Herpes or not relationships are built on friendship and if you're not sure about that yet.. (Do Let her know H not a deal breaker..Cause honestly if she's on daily and you use protection .. Sex shouldn't be a big deal at all) then you Should not involve yourself. And, she is young and might not know herself enough to know she wants to be with you. If you're looking for long standing ... even if it doesn't work out.. And u can still be friends .. Then thats awesome regardless of age. Insist on waiting for sex until you've become friends. Friends last. Time is what is needed .. Here.

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It sounds like none of this has to do with you but more with her own insecurities with herself. Herpes can be quite difficult to deal with for some people and her being so young, it seems like maybe she struggles with her identity as both a young person and also someone who has herpes and may be wondering if there's a "catch" to you... why would this person accept me? Why would this person want to be my friend? You know what I'm saying? Like Nic said, just give her some time to warm up to you as a friend and be consistent. When she sees you're sticking around, she can understand your genuine trustworthiness and it can blossom into a relationship. And as for you, thanks from the herpes community for restoring faith that someone without herpes can be supportive! I've been worried there were none of you out there ;)

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  • 1 month later...

I actually think what ur doing is great.. Ur letting her know u support her with any decision she makes.. It's definitely a hard thing to get by, having h and all.. U go in and out of things with it.. Lord knows I do.. Just keep supporting her n let her know u care about her n let the chips fall where they may.. If u are meant to be, it'll all come together... Like I said before sometimes it's hard to really see someone who will except this.. As I fight myself everyday with it.. But show her that it's not a big deal because of how u feel about her.. Keep doing what ur doing cuz to me u sound like a great guy..:0) good luck n thank u for being one of the great guys out there.... It actually helps me to know that for some people if they care about u, will except it... Thank u

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