Jasmine10

great post! Thank you so much for sharing your tips are great!

just read this - sooooo fucking happy for you. tears in eyes. has he proposed??? YES! H CAN KISS YOUR ASS!

i am SOOO happy for you!!!

wow so lucky you didn't have any emotional upset my goodness! well no wonder u didn't need meds! I've taken this waaay hard and am getting anxiety (at least i think it's anxiety, it's a VERY foreign feeling to me but i have all these stomach palpitations) how come this wasn't a big deal to you? that's amazing i can't believe it!! I just worry about all the rejection i'd face and the stress of worrying about transmission. I guess i should be more like u - why worry about the rejection until u get it? so you had 8 years of no upset then when the reality DID play out then you felt the upset but in the meantime that was 8 emotional upset free years (at least about this). whereas someone like me would have been anxious about rejection (that may well last 8 years) AND then still get the upset of a rejection (assuming i'd get rejected. i just assume it but who knows maybe i'll get lucky) on top of it. that's such a shame you thought she was incredibly special and this was a dealbreaker for her. THat's my biggest source of stress. what if my dream guy would have totally been with me and this is his ONE dealbreaker? I think that'd be incredibly hard to get over. i know they say well then he's not the right guy for you but i'm like but doesn't it just mean i'm not the right girl for him because of this ONE stupid reason? and if it weren't for it we could have otherwise been great? yes i will try to just not think negative like don't even shoot for the stars of positivity now and get on with my life n keep busy n ditracted. ok thank you 🙂 i will still find a GREAT guy!!! hopefully all the self growth i do as a result of this will bring me to a place where I'm actually MORe ready for My Right than had I continued going on my merry way of dating boat-loads of men and enjoying them with no serious rship in sight (or even on the agenda) thanks so much for taking the time to share and talk.

Good point @Ishmael! thank u!

TT Thanks so much @Ishmael!! i know progress is like that right? 2 steps forward 2 step back etc. As long as we are in an upward trend!! it DOES feel amazing. i looked around me and thought "WOW! Dark cloud LIFTED!" i thought id ALWAYS walk around with a dark cloud above my head! thank you, enjoy your journey too

great! pls let me know if it works for you!!! fingers crossed!

Oh man I'm so sorry to hear this! The only thing that comes to mind is to try this: https://medicinemamasapothecary.com/products/v-magic I have this cut on my V (not H related) that pops up from time to time and every single OBGYN has dismissed it and at most suggested an antibiotic cream but nothing ever works - this is the ONLY thing that heals it literally OVERNIGHT it's MINDBLOWING. You could try it on the ulcer and then put some to protect that part before having sex. and maybe wait til it clears up ALL the way, cover the part where it would be with this magic cream and then give it a go! Let me know how things go! Oh does it only put you back at square one when you're having several sessions a day? or is just one session enough to bring it back to sq one? cos if the former then you can try cutting the number of sessions down you horny minx you 😉

Just wanted to express my gratitude for all those who reached out and gave some kind words of support after my heart and brain dump yesterday. I felt better this morning! Mornings are the worst for me - Ever since I found out I have been sleeping still relatively peacefully when I'm ASLEEP, but I wake up into a nightmare - as in I wake up from a blissful sleep and realize oh fuck, I just woke up into a nightmare I AM LIVING and the mental anguish terrorized me each morning so much so that I dreaded every morning. I AM SO HAPPY TO REPORT I DID NOT FEEL LIKE I WOKE UP TO A NIGHTMARE TODAY!!! The rest of the day was still one big depression battle, felt better at night when socializing but at some point I start to get sad again as I realize ALL These people do NOT have what I'm going through (so i think you know) but then I spent a good chunk of the night chatting with folks here and it's been surprisingly FUN!! haha so thank you everyone and esp to Adrial for creating this wonderful community. So this is major progress from my mental breakdown yesterday when I hit rock bottom - to wake up to NO nightmare and to end the day actually feeling GRATITUDE 🙂 and HOPE.

thank you @KRS17 and @Sumshine for the happy stories! I ONLY want to read happy stories from now on 🙂

LOVE IT!!!!!!!!! YOU GO GIRL 🙂

Thanks so much @Amando really appreciate your support and thank you for helping me see it isn't that bad...judging from my primary I am lucky and if this is the worst it gets, yes physically i got "lucky" and yes emotionally is where I feel all this pain cos I am now deathly afraid of the rejection (and the first doc I went to when i exclaimed "No guy is going to want me now right?" he fucking nodded his FUCKING HEAD!) and also if word gets around if people tell others and also i've a public facing job. Happy to hear you have a great partner and a happy incredible life!!!!! OHHHHH I WANT THAT TOO! Thank you for showing it's possible. I tried therapy multiple sessions and i've never had to use pills to fix my mood before but this seems beyond my power and another person here said the pills helped so i'm gonna do what i can as no amount of "positive thinking" seems to help me really get over this deep despair and depression I trudge through every day. How long did it take you to get over the emotional upset?

Hey @herpnerve thank you so much for your kind and comforting words. It means so much to me. I only had two real experiences that shaped my opinion of this. Once in college when my best friend told me how her friend is now devastated cos she has H2, the "Bad kind" and then another much more recent experience just this year or last year when my guy friend was sharing us the story of how this really great girl disclosed to him she had H and he backed out and she cried and I felt so so sad for her and so now i feel so so sad for me that I'm going to be like that girl. ALSO the fucking first doc I went to when he said "i think this is H" and I exclaimed "omg! NO guy is going to want me now right?" he FUCKING NODDED HIS HEAD! Thankfully when I went to second doc for second opinion he said "it's not a big deal, it's VERY VERY common, just keep your immunity up and it shouldn't give you any more problems". But yes, I can see how my only two real world experiences with people talking about this would make me feel like this is the worst thing in the world to have for dating. I'm VERY heartened by @sweetlove884 s experiment lol thank you (Sweetlove not sure if you can see my replies to you above I only just realized I should have tagged you in the above responses where I quoted you) I do feel better today - I DID NOT WAKE UP FEELING LIKE I HAD JUST WOKEN UP INTO A NIGHTMARE! THAT IS HUGE PROGRESS! Still depressed throughout the day and as usual better now that it's night time and I've had the chance to speak to peeps including peeps from this awesome community. THANK YOU both for your support from the bottom of my heart!

😂😂😂 YOU ARE DISMISSED BECAUSE YOU DON''T HAVE H!!!!!! LOLOLOLLLL! THANK YOU for lightening up my mood hahahha! THAT is AMAZING 2 v strongly wanted to meet you and date you anyway oh my god! I can't believe this, BEFORE even meeting you! and ALL were super sweet n understanding??? wow! Are you drop dead gorgeous btw 🙂 Which app is this? THANK YOU for giving me so much hope!!

Thanks you so much for the words of comfort and sharing your story - you ARE so lucky though you met your love right after and he fell in love with you and you are happily together with him AND he sounds wonderful and understanding about it!! No need to stress about dating with stigma! I'm sure the doctor will have seen many patients with this and will be understanding (and I believe the risk is SUPER low for your child) don't worry!! Wishing you a healthy happy baby

LOLL! thanks for my first laugh of the day

It's been 19 days since my life changed. I know nothing I write will be ANYTHING new to the folks here, but I feel like I have to just get it out in hope that hearing some positive words can help. My meditation app says to share it with fellow sufferers and that you will feel better (a cancer program cos I couldn't find anything for us). I actually feel like cancer is better than this because 1. people will at least sympathize with you and of course support you 2. people would still wanna sleep with you 3. it CAN be fucking cured and 4. if it can't be cured well then you're gonna die soon anyway so it's not like you're gonna suffer that much longer. Whereas this? A lifetime of being condemned? And I rage at the unfairness of this stigma, all because some bigpharmas want to make money now millions of people have to live lives less than what it could have been. I actually was diagnosed w Cervical dysplasia and haven't had a recheck yet. I read HSV 2 doubles the chance it turns into cancer - I can't believe I'm actually thinking maybe that will be better, then I can die soon. It's so crazy yet I know so many have entertained similar suicidal thoughts so I'm just going to share my darkest thought. And yes of course I've thought of just ending my life but can't think of an easy way to do it. I am also SO upset at myself. SO upset. I don't even feel upset at the guy I'm internalizing ALL the blame. Yes he was probably the most gorgeous guy I had ever gone on a date with, yes he said when I asked "no condom?" "I don't have anything, do you?" but how could I have trusted a guy I was only out with for a second time, whom I met on Tinder, whose last name I didn't even know? I later found it he had used a fake name and wouldn't give me any details that would allow me to figure out who he really is - and I now think it's because he has this and wants to infect women anonymously. He also unmatched me on tinder the very next day. I managed to find out his real name..but like what am I going to do with it? I'm not going to press charges and have everyone know MY dirty little secret now. I regret SO badly the friend who suggested I use Tinder I NEVER used it because it was known as a hook up app. I regret so badly the decision that caused me to stay in this one city longer than I otherwise would have (and if i had just waited ONE more day ONE more day to make that decision and got one last piece of information I needed, I would have decided otherwise WHY was I so impatient WHY.), and was therefore bored and decided to go on tinder - I was on it for 3 days before going inactive it as I lost interest, when this model of a guy messaged me and I thought oh well why not? look at that BODY! Coming to this city has been so great for my career. But it has destroyed the rest of my life, and is already completely negatively impacting my career because I can't focus for SHIT on it. It's like at so many points, my path could have been different with just a different choice. Oh all the IF ONLYS -it's really eating me up inside. My life would have gone on as per usual - and from my vantage point now, I see how GOOD I really had it. And I realized it then too! It's not like I took it for granted. I was finally feeling happy and that I loved my life. After struggling for years I was finally finally in a good place with men and dating, and with just my emotional and mental happiness in general. Even my career that has long been a struggle, was finally starting to show signs of positivity and I was finally feeling the commitment to give it 100% And now all that has turned to shit. I literally called the universe a big fucking cunt. Really, you see me FINALLY in a good place with men with so many attractive suitors (having a rough time w men had been my big stumbling block for the last 3 years), FINALLY happy, FINALLY filled on an almost daily basis with gratitude for my wonderful life, and then you have a man yank it away from me just like this. This is the act of a fucking CUNT. (pardon me if you're feeling triggered by the word) You know what I hate? I hate waking up in the mornings. I finally go to sleep and it's often peaceful (with so far just one nightmare of infecting my hypothetical partner) but that means when I first wakeup from a relatively peaceful slumber..I wake up into a nightmare. I WAKE UP EVERY MORNING IN A NIGHTMARE. That is the worst part. To wake up after being able to be unconscious about this for 6-8 hours and realize I'm still in this nightmare. This is really happening. I cannot believe it yet it really did happen. And I'm trying so hard to do mind over matter and take all my herbs n supplements in the hopes that it's not too late to reverse this, that if I fight this now then maybe I will never get another OB and it will all go back to normal - but the stress...and you all know stress is a trigger. I have these weird feelings in my stomach...I am guessing this is anxiety? I think it's anxiety. Depression of course that I can recognize. When I go out and socialize, I can sorta get my shit together and I feel relatively ok cos I'm connecting with people. Today I was with some people and then i left to go home and as i was about to get on the bus I thought omg I don't want to go home. Home and alone is where the nightmare starts again. And I went back to re-join them. When it finally came time to leave, the stomach palpitations started again. I've no one with me. I will never have anyone with me. Every day is a struggle. From the worst part of the day - the morning nightmare that I realize I am now living in, that will always be living in, fighting depression throughout the day, USUALLY to feeling a bit better by night when I am socializing, reading posts on this forum and the internet and googling if there will be a cure and feeling not so terrible by the time I go to bed (usually) and then waking up in the morning and the nightmare starts. Most people start of the day bright and fresh right? I start it off with a nightmare and then it gets progressively better throughout the day, but just when I think I'm done and go to bed, I wake up in this nightmare all over again. I'm not the only one who feels they wake up in a nightmare am I? Are mornings the hardest for other people too? And it's not comforting to read that non newly diagnosed people are still struggling years later. So it can actually not get any better! And how can it? THERE IS NO FUCKING CURE! My symptoms are hardly anything. Had I not had a freakout about not using protection and googled possible stds and checked, I would have never noticed the two little spots that gave me no physical pain but have now caused more emotional anguish than I've ever known my entire life. And I am sad that there might never be a cure because Pharma has no incentive to cure this. Theravax was stopped because of lack of funding for phase 3 trials it wasn't reported that it stopped cos it wasn't working. It would take really someone like that "rogue" scientist that tested his vacccine in the Caribbean (that a lot of people in the trial said really helped them actually), someone really passionate about this to really get a cure. But he's dead now. Who else will there be? How is it that a condition that causes SO LITTLE physical harm, can bring full grown men and women like myself to the verge of ending their physical existence. How can this be so? I think today was the day I finally admitted to myself that I don't have the strength. I don't have the strength to handle this. At first I tried to tell myself that there are certainly worse things right, could have been HIV, I could have lost limbs in an accident but it's not enough no amount of it could have been worse makes me feel better because - it could have also NOT been this AND anything else worse. I could have gone on my happy and amazing life. I'm usually single, and was not worried about finding a partner - I figured ok if it comes it comes. But to think and feel that now i'm NEVER going to find one, or that my already slim chances (for various reasons) have now all but evaporated...just brings me to the depths of despair. I never knew how important it was to me to find love (i've never been truly in love before) until now, when it seems like I never will. And I know there are many success stories but I've also heard so many stories of disclosure going the other way that I can't help but feel pessimistic. And yes of course I've debated with not disclosing and acting like I don't have it - but I also know the stress of not doing will likely eat me inside. I messaged someone here who chose not to disclose and I see it eating HIM up inside. It's a lose-lose situation damned if you disclose damned if you don't. And yes maybe just maybe there's the possibility of someone being ok with it - like REALLY ok (not say they are ok then change their minds) but I can't imagine someone would be. If a guy came up to me with all these facts and all I did was google "herpes" and see those images and see that hsv 2 comes with what 4-6 recurrences the first YEAR I'd totally freak out too and run away because I'd think no guy is 1. worth doing that to myself physically and 2. mentally having to bear the burden of this stigma the rest of my life. Like if things didn't work out between us then I'm now a pariah and can't find anyone else? Who would sign up for this? I'm so glad for EVERYONE who found people who didn't care but from my vantage point I just don't see how a rational person would sign up for the risk of contracting something so so so psychologically damaging even if you can manage the physical symptoms. Unless you are so SURE someone is life partner material but even then...how many marriages end in divorce again? And to go back into the dating world with this liability...I know I wouldn't take that risk so I can't see how someone else would for me. And people say the right guy won't care etc, but it's not like I'm Scarlett Johannsen where guys would take a bullet AND herpes just for the chance to fuck her. And I'm not unattractive, I was confident of my abilities to attract a guy before this, but that confidence is all gone now. I look in the mirror and I see this beautiful girl with a gorgeous figure, intelligent (but not intelligent enough to fucking say NO to unprotected sex with a fucking STRANGER whose last name I didn't know - like HOW is it that I protect my fucking PHONE with a cover but I don't protect MY OWN BODY?!) whom NO guy is going to want now. (I know many here will beg to differ, but I can't seem to see it otherwise. I can't see how anyone who cared about their physical and mental health would want to take that risk for anyone (other than Scarlett J :). I've talked to my shrink 3 days in ONE week. She has FOUR clients who all told guys they were dating and they didn't care. I couldn't believe it. It gives me a BIT of hope but really not much. I just don't see my "dream" guy going for it. Do I have to settle for less of a guy than I otherwise would have been able to have because of this? I do feel that way. And more so, I'm trying to tell myself it's not so bad if I never have a life partner...I mean the Dalai Lama is single and happy right? But it still breaks my heart. I wanted to at least have the HOPE of finally finding someone. I love watching romantic movies. Now they are just going to be sad movies for me, of what I will never have. I even think of setting up a colony/community of die hard singles so we will at least have each other to grow old with. And I can't share this with any friend. Well I did with two acquaintances cos I knew they have this too. I just hope they keep my confidence. But I have been unable to share this with anyone else in my real circle of friends it's so painful and I can't share. Everyone looks at how amazing my life and career looks on social media...and I read the congratulations!! and I think - but I have this. I have this. And I can't even absorb my friends feeling happy for me because I have this big giant reason not to be happy. To be more miserable than at any other point in my life. To feel like my life is no longer worth living. Yes I know intellectually it's stupid to take one's life cos of a benign skin condition. I DON'T EVEN HAVE BAD SYMPTOMS! But the psychological burden is too much for me to bear. I don't think I'm strong enough. Does medication help? Anti-anxiety and anti-depression pills? Does that help the mental anguish? And I want to call my shrink now just to cry to her. Like we don't even have to talk. I have to now PAY someone just to cry to because I can't tell this to any friend. (I also had a friend once tell me HER friend had herpes. I BARELY know her friend. PEOPLE TALK and if word gets out i'd be just so so embarrassed) I am going for my cervical dysplasia check up soon, and I almost want to have cancer now so I can cry to my friends and say it's cancer when really it's this, and tell them no my life is NOT going as great as it looks on social media I'm having a total and complete breakdown and i have never been this close to ending my life than now. I am in tears now. I am finally in tears after writing this far and finally pouring it all out in full. For days I couldn't cry I don't know why I couldnt cry. The first several days couldn't bring myself to shed a tear was just numb I think. Then I had to send a message to this REALLY sweet guy I was JUST starting to date, saying I couldn't see him anymore. And I broke down and cried at having to send that message. Today is the second time in 19 days I cried. And I can't tell my family. My parents have been married for donkey years and were each other's firsts. My siblings have both always been in long term rships. I'm the only one always single, and now they'll know that I've been fucking around and it's going to be all my fault. It's not like cancer that comes to the most innocent of people. And I realize how WELL condoms protect us you know? I've had a decent amount of fun, and condoms always kept me safe. Now this ONE mistake and a lifetime to pay for it. For what 2 mins - and he wasn't even good! FUCK THIS ASSHOLE!! Wow so the tears have finally come...this was what it took. It took me really just sharing everything I think and feel, rather than thinking them over and over again in my head. If you took the time to read this at all, even some of it, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for being a witness to my breakdown. Because my closest and dearests cannot.

very inspiring to read this thank you

Hi LoveTheMountain, Can you share with us how you got to a place where you love and accept yourself after getting this? I want partners to not keep off me too lol