Amillionthings

Ps. I tried denial for a while. 4 years in total i think. Yeah, it doesnt work ;)

Hey @hope it all makes sense. Every word. And its like a good slap in my face...a wake up call...thankyou this is the....right get out there...youre gonna get hurt...its likely it will happen...it happens to all of us.. at some point. It has happened to me...and it really hurts. And it may happen again. Or it might not. If im lucky BUT either way i NEED to be good to me...look after me...be at my best...so i can actually be happy in my own skin. I totally understand and agree that no person should be completely responsible for anothers happiness...it just isnt fair i believe i can...and will...get myself to a better place...this in itself is a choice...i can choose to make changes which in my case can only mean that things will get better....or i stay feeling shitty....and inevitbly things get worse. I have quite literally hit my lowest ever points in my life to date over the past few months. You know, rock bottom, but i keep saying to myself....if im at the bottom...i can only go up...things can only get better....if i let them si for now....to even consider dealing with possible rejection...possible heartbreak and all that comes with it....is not an option. Because to be able to deal with all that...to be able to get over it, if it happens...I HAVE to be in a good place with myself. I need to be in a place where i dont feel I need someone to fix me. I need to be in such a good place that i can get out there..and be like...fuck it...i might get rejected...oh well..his loss...plenty more fish in the sea...NEXT!! I need to face my fear. Because if i dont ..if i avoid my fear...hide away from it...then i will do what i did for the last for years....turn everyone away...and then whn someone did come along...i pinned so much on him...and yes his acceptance was amazing...but actually it clouded and over shadowed very important things...such as trust, honesty, compatibility...i was so focused on the fact he accepted...i over looked other things needed in a r ship....things that are much more important...than an infrequent blister that turns up down there every once in a while. And i need to forgive myself totally. Im getting there. Thanks for your words. Very wise. It means alot to be able to reap the rewards of knowledge from other peoples experience. X

Small donation. Will give more when i can x

Thankyou...your great :) Ill definitely look at it all xx

Hi dancer...i cant find the link x

Its like youre in my head. Lols! Suddenly peace, contentment and happiness have become my main goals in life. But i know i wont truly feel that til i find acceptance from someone...and it lasts forever x

:) ok...triplets now ;). I think it saved me too and im sure it will again. Hugs to u abc x

That if he does have it (and he's never had any symptoms) he feels if we ever broke up he would never date again. And he feels that because of this I should be 'making it up to him more' in bed. not sure...but reading this...maybe reading into it too much? But... Is part of his clever manipulation for you to 'make it up to him more' in bed....that he is planting a seed in your head....that if you ever broke up...it is you that has H...therefore you would never be able to date again...he is using himself in this sentence...but he is trying to infer to you...dating with H cant happen...therefore youd be alone....and BAM!...the scare tactic has worked...and you will obey his order....of making it up to him. How can hear have a fear of dating with H if he doeznt know if he has it....youd think in 7 years he might get tested!... perhaps use this to counter his behaviour...'well if youre trapped...and u think u mite have H....you should get tested. If we broke up. Id still date. Not a problem...so i dont see how telling me i owe you more in bed is relevant.....id say ur using my H against me to scare me into thinking i wouldnt be able to meet anyone else. I dont owe you anything'' ....see how that goes down thats just what i saw there. I have experience of manipulation..so i kind of spotted it.

Great words @abc. I didnt even look at it that way. Like having self torture and hurt over it...dealing with it...accepting it. Trying to forget it when you finally successfully disclose...then that same person brings it up...reminds you of it...makes you feel gulity...attempts to manipulate youbfor sexual favours because it....and for a whole 7 YEARS! Jesus. Enoughs enough! It may not be all the time over seven years..but one comment to make u feel guilty selfish etc over it...is enough to plant a seed...that can grow to make u feel like shit. Unworthy. Big hug Alex x

Ps. I suppose if were damaged...it means were a bit broken...but broken things can get fixed. a v. Tough year for me too. I brick wall has been hit too. You sure youre not me...haha ;)

@hope....sister from another mister :)....again i read your words and its like they are coming from me. In particular...the dealing with everything else...problem goes away..this won't...foreign emotion. I never even knew what anxiety was until H came along. I wouldnt wish that feeling on anybody. Im stuck too. I too do not feel dirty anymore. I feel like to really live...to really experience life...to break this H curse that has trapped us in ways...caused us fear and axiety etc...is to do the following...quite literally...this is what i try to say to myself... ok...fuck it...i have it...so do lots of others. Fuck stigma its a cold sore. Its mostly dormant it could be worse. I accept i may get rejected for it...and i have to take it on the chin if i do. Brush it off. Move on. I need to protect myself but to find love i will need to be vulnerable...and i have a right to get to know someone before i show them my courage and bravery in disclosure. I try to think like this...but the fear and anxiety kicks in. Im afraid im not strong enough...because i know i would not handle a rejection well. At all. But i have to accept this might happen if i am ever going to let anyone in. I think this is what stops me most. I tell myself i will get myself to a great place...feel good...look my best...strive for my ambitions etc...but i KNOW...bevause i know myself...that it holds me back from love and relationships and a rejection would destroy me all over again. And this is where i am stuck. Like i scramble away a bit and this sucks me right back. another truth bombshell i gotta get out there ;) Youre completely safe here. I really am so pleased u finally arrived :) Im sure very wise words will follow. Xx

Definitely a big red flag!! X

Its good isnt it Dancer. True feelings and thoughts people can relate to. Its nice to know it was useful to a person and Im pleased that @hope is finally here...:) Haha im not a person who crosses lines @hope....i hope you are feeling a bit brighter now youre finally here :)

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Great read. Cheers Herry

Hi Alex08 I know others will write here with great wisdom and advice... i dont have experience in this...i have very little relationship experience...but ill add my thoughts no he isnt right. No you should not still be paying for a choice you made 7 years ago. You are not selfish..not one bit. Hes made you feel that way. From this...i am reading about a man who is controlling and manipulative. If you give in to his manipulation and control...which is, in my opinion....incredibly cruel both emotionally and sexually...in the end ...it will impact upon your self worth. And not in a good way. you love him. You want to marry him.....why is a man you love and want to marry even considering what lufe would be like if he was single and had to date? ....have a think....a man in love...who wants to marry the woman hes with...would he do and say all of this...would he feel 'trapped'? Would information about your relationship have to be 'dragged' out of him. Feeling for you here..reading this. Try and read it and ask yourself what would i think or aay to a good friend if this was their situation? x

Same here. Its a thought. Whether its a depressing one or a 'RIGHT! I need to get over this and live my life' one. I feel like you too....youve described yourself...but i feel like youve described me too! No one is made of stone and no one can ever stay strong all of the time. Trying to stay too strong for too long is the problem...like we need to ease up in ourselves and stop beating ourselves up. You now have a whole forum of people to reach out to.... on bad days and better days. You wont ever need to feel alone again...because youre not. So pleased you're here. :) Fear is debilitating...it reallly does suck the joy out of life. I get it. Im sick of being frightened..i need to take a chance and get myself out there. But im not ready. I am now my priority. Thinking about my future and herpes eats away at me. I have to deal with it if i meet someone. And ill be vulnerable when i feel that person deserves to see me that way. And then ill pray theyll stay and accept me. We need ti replace fear wuth hope and faith i guess. Easier said than done...i get it...youll get it. You are welcome...im really pleased there was a positive from them. Kind of think i shud have left them up now :/ . i get you. I understand. As does everyone here. A big hug for you from me :)

Love this Herry....youre a talented writer. Keep the story coming. Nice to read something that isnt all about H too. Hope I can feel all of that one day...and get accepted. X

Really big hug from me x

@hope42morrow...i too like you looked at this forum until i joined. I could see the positivity and support....but felt my true feelings and thoughts might not be for this forum. I debated with myself for days...but i posted it all. I had too. And i got more support and care i could have asked for. I have since deleted them...because they are so negative and i would hate for someone to come here for help...and for my posts to deter them or make them feel worse. I know if i had read them when i first got diagnosed it would have hit me hard to read those words...however, to hear that they convinced you to 'come out' really makes me feel good...as you can now get the best support, advice and wisdom there is. This site isa small miracle amongst a load of negative stigma posted all over the internet. Im pleased your here. And so sorry you had those reactions...those peoples are idiots. Ignore it. Forget it. You have us now :) Im tired of it too. I feel im at a point where im just so pissed off with it. I cant be bothered to think about it anymore. But naturally i do. And reading some of your words...they really resonated with me. My future and the uncertanties. We worry because we have a heart, a conscience and care for others. You are not alone :) xx

Happy birthday Adrial...have a great day. Thanks for all you do for us :) xx

Eeek...sorry :/...it would take me about 10 hourse to put it all back up ;) X

Great :) xx

Me too @herexperience. I also decided to delete my posts...they are so negative...and i feel they just make it negative for me...but more importantly anyone who reads them. Especially peoole new to H or struggling. Id rather they just see the wise words above :)

I feel your pain. She should have said sooner, but she did tell you. Alcohol us a fucker isnt it. He should have told me. He didnt. He lied. I have H too...i too used a condom. Here to support. You have found the right place..best support and advice you will find. X