Shannon (SingBlueSilver)

My boyfriend called PP to make an appt to get tested for herpes. He has never had an outbreak but he DOES have herpes. He gave it to me. How do I know this? I am in an open relationship and he gave it to me and his other girlfriend. We broke out within days of each other. That's a whole other story but we all know he gave it to us. He's never had symptoms and still continues to not have symptoms. But I've been encouraging him to go on suppression therapy to protect women he has relationships with. Planned Parenthood refuses to test him because he doesn't have a sore. And therefore they won't give him a prescription to get the medication. He argued with them but it's their policy not to test without a sore. So, he'll continue to infect people and PP doesn't care. We practice safe sex. We have always practiced safe sex. But apparently he's got oral (HSV-1) because that's what what I have. So he has no symptoms and has oral sex with someone and can pass it. It happened to us. But the medical profession refuses to believe its an issue unless or until HE has an outbreak. I ran into this when I was diagnosed. I was told, "what's the big deal if you never have a sore"? I'm so upset with this attitude!! Would herpes be so wide spread if they actually tested for it as part of an STD test?? I have never heard of anyone using dental dams and oral sex is so popular among teenagers these days. This attitude truly scares me. I'm going to write a letter to PP but it won't do any good. His only option is to pay to see a private doctor now or go to Mexico and get the medication. I'm very angry at this policy by PP and the attitude that if you don't have a sore, who cares?!

Did I read on another post that he's your ex now? I hope he gets tested because he's probably the one passing it on as men don't always have symptoms and women get it some much easier. I hope he gets tested. The medical profession is part of the problem on this. They don't think it's a big deal if you don't have symptoms but if that's true then stop making us feel like criminals. They need to get the word out there about the truth! The truth is that it's not a huge deal. Many people have it. And you're not bad if you do. So I blame them most of all. If they included the test with the standard STD test, perhaps people would be more careful! But actually, I think it's just going to get worse. I have oral herpes on my genitals and soooo many more people have oral herpes and there was a study that said that oral sex is much more common now. So...I think that HSV1 is going to become more prevalent. But the good news is that if you are single, you'll probably find that many men are OK with it. I have found that. So you're life is not over and all will be OK in the end.

Sorry to interpret the main threat but JC81, you should know that doctors do not want to test for it. I had 2 tell me that the tests can be inaccurate and if you don't have symptoms, then they won't test. It's not part of a standard STD test. And you don't know to even ask for it! I am 39 and had never before asked for it nor known that I had to ask for it. Even after I had a sore, I still wanted the blood test to confirm which type I had and they didn't want to do the test as they said it didn't matter. So your BF really didn't do anything wrong if he's had the standard STD tests. They wouldn't have caught it. The guy who gave it to me never had a symptom and still doesn't. It's a real travesty that the tests aren't better and that doctor's seem to think that if you are asymptomatic then you shouldn't be tested. It is easier for a man to give to a woman so he may well have had it but never had a symptom. Or you could have had it for years like the others in this thread. The important thing is to get informed now and realize that you will be OK. You are not alone and this won't end your sex life. I promise. We are all here for you. :-)

WOW WOW WOW, what a bitch! Sorry but she gives all women a bad name! What a cruel cruel thing to do. You have seen her true character and its evil, destructive and self-loathing. Listen to other courageous women here. Walk away. If she tells, deal with it. It's not the end of the world. You WILL be OK. Even more than OK. You will find many other women. I've found that I am still desirable to men. I found that people don't care as much as we think they do. I've found that the best people are able to make a decision that's mature whether it's to leave or stay. So don't let her ruin your life. You are lucky you found out her true character before you married her or had kids! She gave you a gift to be able to now evaluate relationships much more clearly. Try to use what she did as a stepping stone to making better decisions. I'm so sorry that someone would do this to someone else. But, we all have it here and it's not the end of the world. You will not only be ok but you will be happy later. I wish you all the luck in the world and know that I send you a hug!

Hi NewOne, drawing from your belief in God will help you. Keep doing that. I don't practice organized Christianity anymore but I believe in God, Bible, teachings etc. I don't believe God is punishing us anymore. It's the same as someone getting cancer. Ours just happens to be related to sex. I've told many people now, including many men and most react the same way, "no big deal, I'd still have sex with you". I was surprised at first but now I'm finding that if I frame it in a way that doesn't sound like it's the end of the world, the reactions are different. And once you tell, it gets easier and easier. Just remember that you are still you. Nothing has changed except how you feel. You don't have to be strong all of the time. When you're down, just remember you have to come back up again, you can't stay there. We're all going to be fine once the shock wears off. Since you are a Christian, remember there is a plan and a purpose for your life. :-)

Hi, everyday is different than the next I've found. Some days it's tough to be positive. On those, I'm trying to tell myself, this too shall pass and remember that I haven't always felt like this and won't always. It sounds like your weight issues are more of a problem than the herpes. Since weight is something you can control, I'd say focus on that. But not in a worry-wort negative way. Just keep sticking with your plan to exercise and be healthy because it is in your control. The H isn't so there's nothing we can do but accept at this point. Don't let H ruin your positive changes in your body. I hate working out and I need to lose about 15 lbs at this point. And I definitely reward myself with food...bad day, bad food. I actually think food issues can be more hard to conquer than accepting H!!! I know it sounds crazy but maybe you understand? I've been up and down all my life with weight and i"m not happy about it now but let me tell you a secret that i've learned in my 39 years of life...and I think you're a girl....Men don't care about weight as much as we think they do!!! Ok, perhaps some. But I've found that I've had more men after me recently than ever before and I'm not thin! What I have is self confidence and that's more attractive than you would think. OK, I'm on my soap box now! Sorry! I'm just discovering so much about me that I didn't know! Did you read my blog? http://herpeslife.com/genital-herpes-stigma-as-an-opportunity-to-help I hope it helps you as well. Basically, I'm growing and changing so much because of this condition. It's crazy but it's become a positive thing for me. Let me know if you want to talk more. I don't have all the answers but I like to help! :-)

domh21, that makes me very happy and totally worth writing this. My goal was to make someone else feel better because then I feel better. So, thank YOU!

Adrial, the more I think about it, the more I think we can do better than 10,000 and should strive for better. It's not going to mean much if this movement isn't done to the highest marketing levels. We are talking about trying to make a huge change in perception and asking people to make themselves more vulnerable than they ever have been before. Society has poked fun at us and shamed us from the beginning of time and asking for an attitude change is going to take a real significant movement. If FB alone has over 800 million users and 20% could have herpes, we should be aiming much higher than 10,000, I know I would feel more comfortable having the support of 100,000 others or 500,000. I don't think this is unrealistic. I think its totally doable. 10,000 still makes us a minority and feels too scary for me. I want to do it big! I think we should provide information in the form of new releases, radio spots, how about a table at a health fair? Stuff like that. I know you want to get this going soon and I'm totally for that. But I want to help you make this a game changer in society. Together, everyone on this site can help and pull off a really powerful statement. This terrifies me and I'm sure it scares everyone here so having the support of 99,9999 others stand next to you would give us all amazing courage. Thoughts?

What time frame are you thinking Adrial? I really think to do this right and make everyone feel the most secure, it needs to be well planned. I think this will take us into mid-2013 if we really want to make this an international movement. That's just my 2cents. I know I'm scared to take such a huge step but the more planning and more support we get from other organizations and media will make all of us less frightened.

I'm changing my name... SBS was a tribute to my favorite band, Duran Duran, but I feel safe here now so here I am, Shannon! :-)

yes, I agree that it should be only herpies. I was just thinking that many of those who have Aids also have herpies. And maybe just to get the word out about our movement but not as an STD movement. I really think our group is the most stigmatized. Why? It does seem odd given that this isn't fatal and it's like having pimples! But for some reason we are the butt of jokes and are really ridiculed. I agree that just herpies coming out is the right way to go. I think 10,000 is a great start but I am willing to believe that we could get 100,000! This could be a huge movement and take huge effort and maybe even up to over a year in the making to do this right. just my thoughts. I'm willing to be a part and help out however i can.

This is an amazing idea! I LOVE it! I want to be involved! Major publicity, planning, events, everything should be involved and I think we could really make a difference. We can involve the other organizations that also have stigmas, like AIDS Project LA and AIDS Healthcare Foundation and any others we can think of. I am totally on board with this. This could really help so many people and for me, it gives me real meaning to move forward and do something positive with my life. Thank you Adrial for once again making us feel human again! :-)

VirgoGirl, Oh my God, I feel exactly the same! I've been contemplating doing something big, like talking to school kids and coming out to everyone so that it's not shameful anymore for me or anyone else. The secret weighs so heavily on me and it's not right because it's not shameful, I'm still me and I'm still a good person and all I did was do what everyone says you should do...wear a condom! And even if I hadn't worn a condom it's the point that having sex isn't bad and this condition is no worse than having pimples! I think AIDS gets a ton of positive support and it's time we got the same support. I live in LA, near West Hollywood, gay capital of the world, kinda, and having AIDS isn't shameful, it's just another deadly condition, like cancer but no one makes someone with AIDS feel ashamed of themselves. Why should we or anyone with any disease be ashamed? I think we are unique. Everyone with AIDS is given love and support. Those with curable STD's are just told, "don't do that again and given some medication". But those with herpies are shamed into dark corners and made fun of. I'm not writing this very well or thoughtfully at the moment but I think you get my meaning. Adrial, I like your idea of coming out. I think it would be amazing for all of us to be able to breathe and not worry about people finding out. I hope I have the courage when that day comes. Thank you for your constant support to all of us! VirgoGirl, I think such a presentation in your career would be amazing and really make those that you help trust you and feel they can talk to you. I hope you have the courage to make such a bold stand. Thank you both for responding to my original post!

You're amazing.

I want to reach out to some of you but how to choose if you only know the city and not much else about the person? So I thought maybe I'd tell you about myself and if I sound like someone you would like, please email me! My name is Shannon. I'm in Los Angeles. I'm 39 and single, no kids. I've been involved in the alternative/goth/club scene for 20 years but that's not all I'm about. But it does play a factor with the H because going to clubs centers around being sexy and I've had a hard time feeling sexy because of this condition. I'm an avid reader, especially "kids books" like Harry Potter. But also love the True Blood books and many others. I'm a bit of a nerd in my tastes in movies and shows. I dress in a lot of vintage clothing and love to buy antiques for my home. I love Halloween, collecting Barbies, Disneyland, my Doggie, sushi, dancing and I have a very twisted sense of humor, almost nothing offends me. (I Just saw Book of Mormon and found it very funny and actually made me respect Mormons even more rather than make fun of them). I'm a loyal and honest friend. And I'm very social and open. My life is pretty good compared to so many others... I go out a lot, have a great job, freedom, etc but no love and now have H from an "interesting situation". So...If any of you find my description of me intriguing, email me please! I'd like to make some real friends. Shannoncj@hotmail.com or on this site.

I'm sorry about the peeing issue. I guess I've had sort of similar in that I feel like I get a bladder infection every month for 3 months. My doctor thinks its possibly related. This fucking sucks. Take the suppressive medicine and that will probably help. I increase mine whenever I feel "odd down there". Just know that you are not alone. You'll get through this. Form what I hear, it gets better in time. I've only had it about 5 months now and everyday does get better and some days I even forget!!! Hugs to you! I know it will be better soon! xoxox

I'm sorry! I think the medication will work though. I've been on it and I don't get episodes...though I do often feel like I have a bladder infection. Weird. This all sucks but we're all in the same boat! You are NOT Alone, Alone! :-)

I wish you luck with this. There's many factors in deciding how to handle it but if he's a medical student, he needs to be enlightened. If he's a good guy, I think you should talk to him privately. I think it would actually help him in his future career to know some reality instead of what they will teach him in medical school. But if he's just a jerk in general, let it go, he'll never get it. I guess it just depends on the quality of your relationship and if you think he's a considerate person who would benefit from your knowledge. Good luck with whatever you decide to do!

Lively, thanks for that advice too. That's my usual route with most of my life. I generally take issues on myself and rarely stand up for myself. I would rather say, "this hurts me" than, "you hurt me" and I take ownership probably far too often. In fact, I know I do. For once in my life I'm gaining strength and interestingly, the H is helping me to be stronger in so many ways. One way is to say, I deserve more from friends. I've been a people pleaser and giver and though I won't become someone different, I think I can finally start to say, I am worth more now. So this friendship issue is just bringing this into more focus. And the H is bringing this into more focus. It's like I'm really forced to "grow up" or maybe "just grow a pair!" ;-p Strange, huh? The perspective that I'm gaining from this condition is really quite remarkable. Adrial is right...it is quite the opportunity, huh? :-)

I just read a post from a friend complaining that she had a terrible day, "I got my period, got a cold sore, ..." WTF?! I wanted to scream, you have herpes! You're not ashamed because it's on your lips and not YET on your vagina. But hey, just give a guy a blow job and ta-da, you have now fallen into our side of the world where it's a shameful and hidden thing. I'm not saying that's how I feel, I'm saying that's how most of society views us. It's soooo unfair! It makes me want to inform people that a cold sore isn't different from one on your genitals. It's the same thing but she can annouce it on FB while those with genital H have to feel dirty and scared and alone. We really need to change to perception. We need doctors and teachers to change this perception. If 80% of the world have cold sores, it should not cause this much pain to get one on your genitals. This makes me want to annouce it to the world and fight for the truth...we are not dirty or gross. We are not any different from anyone else. We have a minor skin issue that is annoying but not life threatening. I want to fight this perception and I guess it starts with me in my own life. I'm not sure what I'll do yet but it is a thought that is brewing in me.

Thank you both sooo much! I was heading in this direction as well...I don't want this to control my life and my actions. I want to let people know it's nothing to be ashamed of and hide from everyday. Your advice is exactly how I was feeling and I'm glad you can give me the support and strength to just let this go. I want to be myself without the fear of her telling. I can't even be her real friend even if things changed because the fear of not trusting her and giving her this power over me is not conductive to a real friendship. Thank you both for the support.

Wondered how to handle this or just get some support and see who else has had to deal with this. When I first found out, I told several close friends. At the time, I thought my girl friend, let's call her Mary, was a close friend. We had only bonded in the last 9 months but I make friends easily and I trust easily. I went through a breakup and then she did and we both really supported each other. But then I noticed that she fell apart in her breakup and started to become really unstable, using drugs, alcoholic episodes, even a suicide attempt. Looking back, I realized she was always talking about other friends and would very easily turn on you if you made her unhappy in some way. I've started to limit my time with her and I've really distanced myself but some of the things she's done have been really hurtful to me and I want to tell her why I'm backing off. But I can't. I feel like a hostage because she knows my secret. I think she would tell others if I pissed her off. So, I pretend. I pretend to want to be friends. But I really don't. And I realized that the secret even contributed to this. When she starting doing really unhealthy behavior, I kept my mouth shut because I didn't want to make her mad at me and tell my secret. It was like the secret was between us now. I made a mistake trusting her and now I'm a hostage to my secret. In some ways I want to let whatever happens, happen and not be a slave to this burden. But then again, does it hurt me just to be polite to her and slowly pull away? Not really. Just pisses me off that this secret is controlling my actions now. Advice?

kcgal1986, I felt the same way you did a few months back and some days, all the feelings still come back but believe me, it does get better. And you will find men who don't care. In fact, a surprising amount of men who don't care!! I felt very undesirable and not sexy and gross and all of that and I met someone who didn't think it was a big deal at all. Sure, some do. But I think you will be surprised once you finally talk to others. And as the days go on, you don't think about it every minute anymore. But one thing, if this guy is too scared and making you feel badly, then go find someone else. It sounds harsh now but seriously, there are many many men who simply don't think it's that big a deal and it really helps to feel normal again. I felt like you do, if it's not that big a deal then why do people make such a big deal of it? Because many are uninformed and like your boyfriend, very scared. Now that we have it, we have to face it and accept it. I'm quite a sexual person so I've been pretty hard hit but it has been getting easier very single day. You're going to get through this. Everyone here feels your pain. You are not alone.

Inspired32...I totally RELATE to you! I too struggle with wanting casual or even just the idea that it's an option for me and wanting a deep meaning relationship. I caught mine during a "casual" encounter stage in my life. It's a long story but you might like to hear it. So email me privately and we can talk. I'm realizing very slowly that all this is possible but it just takes a bit more effort to find quality people even if they are casual quality people! :-) Anyhow, if you want to talk, I think as a woman of 39, I've seen it all and am struggling with this stuff too!

Congrats! I think the cold sore talk is a great way to start! I have HSV type 1 as well so I should use that next time. I told someone recently too and he didn't think it was a big deal at all! I was totally surprised. So I think that maybe a lot more people are more accepting than we realize. The more I tell, the less weird it feels. It really sucks that it's such a stigma and the information on it is so bad! I mean, I was just as ignorant as everyone else was before this. Also, I don't know how old you are but the older you get, the more understanding people are. I'm 39 and people my age have seen a lot so I think it might be just slightly easier at this age. I think as long as we follow Adrial's advice and keep it positive, we'll all be OK. Also, pick better friends and interests! Quality people are more accepting I've found. Congrats again, I hope it continues for you!