DrNoLove

I had the same symptoms - prolific watery discharge - with my initial outbreak. It did subside after I started taking antivirals - perhaps about 5 days? It's my understanding that it's a response to an internal outbreak. Hope you feel better soon. *hugs*

I know how you feel. You're new with this. I don't have any great words of wisdom other than look at the facts and explore WHY you feel the way you do. I wasn't a big player over the course of my life. I've had a few adventures, but nothing compared to most. And honestly, I feel the same way you do. When I'm propositioned now (even though I know I wouldn't take them up on it anyway), it hurts me because I feel like I "have" to reject them (otherwise have the disclosure talk or lie to them and myself which is completely uncool). I'd rather reject someone (sorry if this sounds harsh) because I think they're not worth it - rather than because of a condition that I have. So, in that sense, I TOTALLY feel your pain. It's going to come down to healing (for both of us) - whether it's emotional or physical - or both. On the social/stigmatized societal aspect of all of this, we've been taught that people with herpes are dirty and diseased. We're taught that only slutty girls (or guys) get these things, and nice girls and guys don't. (We know that this is NOT true) From a medical standpoint, it's more common than most disorders. It's an easily transmitted condition (like the common cold, mononucleosis, or influenza - although transmitted differently). And, just like chicken pox (also a herpes virus), CMV (cytomegalovirus), and Epstein-Barr virus (mono) - it stays with you forever. (All of this is true) However you need to think and feel about this, however you need to spin it - it's time to spin it that way. If you decide not to have sex, or not to "play" (and I'm SURE that there are couples and groups that are H+ that would love to have another member), then that's what you need to do. As long as you do it with your eyes and your heart open, that's all that matters.

For general soothing of the area... I used to take baths with epsom salt, lavender oil, and a "tea bag" (made from an old sock or pair of hose) with comfrey, arnica, and calendula). You will need to rinse thoroughly afterwards.. it does a lot to take out the "trauma". *disclaimer: I haven't tried this since H, but I can't imagine it wouldn't help. all of those herbs are great for soothing and healing. Oh, and HUGE congrats!!!!! :)

I'm not going to be telling anyone. It's not because I'm ashamed, necessarily - it's because it's none of their business. There are a lot of things that I don't tell people - because it's none of their business. If I felt like I could trust the people that I was around, I would consider telling them. But I don't. A girl is allowed some secrets. She's also allowed to not be persecuted by ignorant morons. :) I don't have close friendships. I never have. There are reasons for that - some of which involve trust and some of which involve my dedication to my work and studies. That may be hard for some people to understand, but it's true. Even before, I wasn't one to go out much or want to date. And it might be that as soon as I realize that I "can" do this (I know I can - it's the realization of it being ok), that I'll decide I'd simply rather not go out. It's hard for someone like me (as I mentioned in the original post) to meet people that I resonate with (and that resonate with me). It's WAAAY more than H. H just makes it more complicated (and adds extra physical and emotional baggage). I know that I'm a strong person. I know that I'm valuable and smart and occasionally funny.. There are lots of things that I know about myself (not trying to sound arrogant). I guess, in a lot of ways, I'm more scared that if I do decide to pursue relationships, I won't be able to find anyone because of H - and I'm angry, because - as if Life wasn't hard enough...... I'm not sitting in the corner in the fetal position.. I just want to KNOW it'll be ok.. and I guess I won't know that - until I experience it.

I would happily have a buddy. Hopefully, in the not too distant future, I can be a buddy for someone else. Gender doesn't matter. Location doesn't matter - as I'm soon to be West Coast, but currently East Coast.

I'll spare you all the details.. I "caught" the H last year.. a guy I'd been seeing for a few months.. we'd had all of the conversations - "Have you been tested?" "Yes, I'm clean - I have papers" "Oh good, me too - I've been tested for everything - I'm all clear - let's use a condom" "Sounds good". Yeah.. well, when it came down to it - he didn't. Not my choice. I started getting sick right away. I had full blown everything within about 6 days. And since I monitor things pretty closely, I knew there was something wrong several days before there was anything to diagnose. I didn't test positive for antibodies - just culture. I was horrified. The doc told me over the phone as if it was no big deal. She said that I should keep having sex (after I healed) and go on antivirals. When I told the guy he didn't really react.. but then retreated for several days. No solace for me. Thanks, Dude! He confessed to me several weeks later that he finally went and got tested for H and he had it. (No great shock) He only talked to me after that because he thought that I was "safe" for him to have sex with (we didn't). So, even though I wasn't raped, I still felt VERY violated. I still do.. every time I have to down those pills. I can't say for sure that I've had another outbreak - and I can't say that I haven't. Things have been.. weird. The emotional aspect of things has been the hardest. I'm older (41), and actually a medical professional. I should've known better - right? Well, guess what? They don't teach that people can shed virus without any sign. That would be how I came to acquire this lovely treat. I always examine my partners (and use protection). So, not only did I feel betrayed by the guy, but also my profession. Only one person knows (besides the guy and the doc) - an old friend that lives far away. That's been hard - as I am extremely tired of hearing my friends/co-workers (one of which I know also has H) make jokes about it. The reality is that I know all the stats. I've done all of the research. And I've been lurking on here and reading not just personal accounts but medical research for the last ~10 months. And I "get it". I get that it's a skin condition, and that it's practically ubiquitous. And I DEFINITELY get that we need to improve education (and testing) for professionals and the public. What I can't seem to "get" is that it's ok. I'm tired of the reminders taking acyclovir every single day. I'm tired of flinching at the slightest twinge and feeling like I'm pariah. I'm tired of not having anyone at all to say "yeah, it's ok" in a non-placating way. I got divorced when I was 34. It was one of the smartest things I've ever done.. But that doesn't mean I want to be done with relationships. I don't! I have enough problems with finding someone - let alone having to have the H talk too. (I've not gone out with anyone since the diagnosis). I still have a LOT of questions - mostly about communication. And I think I'll have to figure them out as time goes on. Right now I just feel incredibly, horribly, and irrevocably alone. Thanks for reading.