Disclosed and rejected by someone with practically the same virus!

[Guest]

Hi all,

I recently went through a tough experience. I’m struggling mentally with the outcome and could use some advice or if anyone has similar stories that ended differently, for the better. 
 

It’s been years since I connected emotionally with a man. I finally meet this guy, he’s about 10 years older than me (I’m 34 by the way). He was perfect for me, so I thought. I wasn’t immediately attracted to him, but he really won me over on our second and third dates. We had so much fun together, talking and laughing. And, we had similar motives and drive in life. After years of searching (and 3 years in between where I’ve been managing my diagnosis) I thought I might have met the one! 
 

Well, we spent the night at each other’s places a few times, but no sex! I told him I didn’t want to rush that, and he was respectful. Finally, one night when he spent the night things were escalating and he was saying all these emotional things. By the way, since Day 1 he was sweet-talking me, telling me I’m perfect for him and he’s waited so long for something like what we were experiencing. Anyways, back to this night... he was saying all this stuff as we were making out and messing around (we both had a few drinks that night), and I couldn’t hold back my secret any longer. I told him I had HSV-2 and I told him the whole story of how I got it. I started to cry because of all the memories. Then, he hugged me and actually told me that he has HSV-1. We cuddled and slept the night through. 
 

Here’s where the story takes a twist. The next morning, he acted fine. We woke up, went to breakfast and then went our separate ways for the day. I was excited because I thought I found someone who knew what I was going through (since he has HSV-1). When we talked things through later that day, I explained everything I knew about HSV-2 so he could understand what the risks were and how transmission could be mitigated if we slept with each other. I can’t get his facial expressions out of my head. It seemed as though he was looking at me with disgust (he probably didn’t intend for that). But the night ended with him saying he needed to think it over, which I understood. But, the more I thought things over the more upset I got because who was he to judge me when in fact he has the same virus! He just acquired it differently, in a different location. I called him back the next day to explain how I was feeling (in more of a PC manner) and he couldn’t get it through his head that HSV-1 was ANYTHING like HSV-2. He even said that he’d “much rather have a sore on his lip vs a sore on his penis any day.” That hurt me! Also, another thing that bothered me was the fact that he wasn’t even planning to tell me he has HSV-1 and I can’t begin to tell you how often we made out when we were together!! In the end, he couldn’t deal with the fact that I have HSV-2, so we parted and went our separate ways. It’s been over a week now, and I would have thought he’d reach out since we were developing such a strong bond, but nothing. Not only do I feel rejected, but I feel rejected by someone with the same freaking virus!

[Alexus]

He doesn’t even accept himself, you definitely dodged a bullet. 

[Guest]

Thanks for saying that! I’m thinking that as well. It’s just surprising how his feelings can just flip 100% like that. Being so upfront with his feelings about me and then in a matter of minutes change his tune. Part of me wonders if he was just trying to get me in the sack by sweet-talking me. Makes it hard to trust men...this has happened to me a few times even before my diagnosis. 

[mr_hopp]

This is a classic example of herpes being a relationship filter. Sometimes folks need to jump through some hoops to show us who they really are before we're going to go deeper with them. It's another nod to raising our standards instead of feeling that we somehow need to lower them just because we have herpes. 

[Tanari]

The fact that he was never going to disclose his Hsv1 status shows clearly what type of person he was given that he was well aware of it, he doesn't care whether he passes it on to the other person, for him to not be able to deal with hsv2 shows he is yet to come to terms with his Hsv1 status, he is either a hypocrite or a very ignorant person and you should be glad you dodged a bullet 

[Guest]

22 hours ago, Tanari said:

The fact that he was never going to disclose his Hsv1 status shows clearly what type of person he was given that he was well aware of it, he doesn't care whether he passes it on to the other person, for him to not be able to deal with hsv2 shows he is yet to come to terms with his Hsv1 status, he is either a hypocrite or a very ignorant person and you should be glad you dodged a bullet 

Thanks Tanari. You’re so right! I was feeling all of this when I was talking with him. I wish I had said it to him, but hopefully I got him thinking about disclosing to future partners. Probably not though, he did seem the type to have a thick skull.