Navigating love and acceptance with herpes

[Sunnygurl]

Hey. I’m a 26 Year old female who has been Hsv2 positive since 20 years old. I recently got tested & have now build up antibodies to hsv1 as well. Been on this forum for this 6 years. I’m asymptomatic, so no symptoms. I struggle with this mentally only when I have to disclose or when I’m back to single and dating. Mostly 7 out of 10 when I have disclosed, I’ve received good reactions and acceptances.  I’m currently dating someone who has been hesitant but has tried other routes to be intimate with me. Still sleep together, kiss, cuddle, even masturbated together one time, but the love has been growing as we keep going out together and having fun then end up cuddling. We’re falling in love & so I pushed back. I decided to stop because it’s hurting me to not experience the full thing with him and be reminded every time that this is the reason why. Everytime we’ve gotten to the point of wanting to have sex and we don’t keep going, I cry. We spoke & he said he’s stuck. Doesn’t know who to talk to or who to go to and that it’s hard. He said he thinks about this everyday and goes to sleep researching it. I told him there’s people to talk to. Professionals. Including me. The one in it. We decided together ( he him self said ) let’s go to the doc. My primary doctor told me the first step should be to find out his status. So he’s going to get tested tomorrow to find out his status and then decide how we will be moving forward. It’s been giving me so much anxiety. My mind is making up all the worst negative outcomes because he has already been hesitant for months. I should have stopped a long time ago or tried to speak about it more instead of just going along with what we were doing because I was liking it. I feel alone & ashamed all over again like when I first was diagnosed. 😞 I feel like I don’t want to live anymore because I have to go through these uncomfortable conversations & emotions. Because of this stigma. I’m not even physically affected by this. just looking for some encouragement or support to remind my self that if this doesn’t work out, I will get through and still find the love of my life! But it’s hurting me sooo bad to think about loosing him and to think about how I will have to do this my whole life. I’m over whelmed. Life is already hard enough 😞 this makes me feel weak, depressed, anxious 

[Sunnygurl]

I wanted to add that I have family members & friends who I know are also Hsv1 positive & they are living their normal lives. Idk if it’s because it’s type 1 but it crushes my world to see others live normal while I struggle with this mentally and internally 

[mr_hopp]

Hey,

Welcome back, @Sunnygurl!

I really appreciate you sharing your thoughts and emotions here. It takes guts to open up about something as personal as this, and I want you to know that you're among friends who understand what you're going through.

Dating and disclosing can be a real rollercoaster, especially when you're asymptomatic. It sounds like you've handled it like a champ with those good reactions and acceptances – kudos to you!

Getting close to someone and not being able to fully experience intimacy can be tough. But it's awesome that you and your partner are communicating openly and considering your options. That is a good sign. To talk about things vs. not. And going to the doctor together is a smart move – accurate info is key. Just make sure you go to an open-minded, non-stigmatized doctor. You might be surprised by how many doctors out there carry the stigma and judgment.

I totally get the anxiety – uncertainty can mess with our minds. But remember, you're strong. You've dealt with challenges before, and you've got the resilience to deal with this too.

You're absolutely right about worth and value. Herpes doesn't define you. You're a whole package, with quirks, strengths, and dreams. And the right person will see that – herps or no herps.

It's great that you've got folks around you who understand. They're living proof that life goes on, herpes or not. And yep, HSV-1 often doesn't get the same flak as HSV-2. But remember, feelings are feelings, and yours are real.

Hey, life throws curveballs, but it also serves up some amazing moments. You've got the power to handle whatever comes your way. Lean on this community whenever you need – we're here to listen, share, and support.

Keep your chin up, take things one step at a time, and remember, you're never alone in this journey.

Stay strong, you got this.

[Sunnygurl]

@mr_hopp Thank you so much for your response. Today, he gets his results. I also been searching for a doctor online because my primary doctor is 100% nonchalant about it and I don’t want my potential partner to think idc or it doesn’t matter. He has personally told me that he doesn’t screen patients for Hsv to avoid having these conversations. Said he’s old and doesn’t give a shit about bumps here and there. -___- Is there any advice that you have for someone who is asymptomatic when dating or disclosing? My partner asked me if being asymptomatic is worse than showing symptoms

[Jasonlee56]

I understand your dilemma. I also can feel for his concern and hesitancy. 

I have had HSV 2 since 1986. I am married and my wife and I have had sex all during this time. She has not caught it. My wife's thought process was that since we are careful...and she has not caught it...it must be fairly difficult to pass on. I agree...buy there are no guarantees that she won't eventually catch it. She understands this. 

So....trying to convince someone that has no idea of what you are going through is...tough. Pushing the issue won't work, either. Either he is in (with safety precautions) or he is not the one. 

I have discussed with my wife (should we split) that personally...I would just try to find someone with the disease. I know..that is selfish...but I still have issues with my wife..knowing there is a chance (albeit a slight one) that I may give it to her. That day (should it come) will be alot worse than the day I got HSV2. 

I hope you are able to come to some resolution. There are plenty of people on here to assist. 

Best...

Jason

 

[OHopelessRomaticDestroyed]

Hi Jason,

I am female and newly diagnosed (HSV2) but have never had any "blisters" or "lesions" or symptoms really other than itchy skin that I am aware of.  Im not even close to thinking about a romantic relationship just yet but know someday I would like to again.  If I might ask, what precautions you and your wife have taken to not transmit to her thus far? 

[Jasonlee56]

Great question...and my apologies on the delay in getting back to you. Holidays and all. 

The precautions we use were numerous.

First...I told her if she did not want to have sex with me...I would understand. I think ANY partner should be given that choice. If they do..then you go to the precautions.

We don't have sex 2 to 4 days before an outbreak (one can feel it coming on). Then we don't have sex for 3 weeks afterwards. From what I have read...this will minimize the risk, but the odds are not zero of her catching it. 

Third, I take supplements that seem to delay the OB'S to every 6 to 9 months. This really helps. 

Fourth...we try to stay away from vaginally intercourse without a condom. The virus apparently is more in tune with the genitals...so oral sex ...makes more sense. At least for us. 

Again...no guarantees. I have offered to be celibate. Her response was "in nearly 40 years and thousands of times of making love and I haven't caught it? We must be doing something right". 

On a side note...I am pretty realistic. I realize she may change her mind or she could catch it (which would be the worse). There are worse things in the world to have and most of the issues (I deal with) are mental. There are millions of us out there...so don't feel alone. 

Let me know if I can answer any other questions. 

Jason

 

 

[Farishta]

Hello @Sunnygurl.  I just posted a similar situation... "How long is too long to wait for someone to accept me..."  I feel your anguish.  It's frustrating and painful to be fully emotionally intimate with someone who is reluctant/unwilling to be fully sexually intimate with you, even when we understand their reluctance.  There are a million reasons why someone might not choose to be with another person - gender, race, religion, financial values, where they live, how they chew their food, whether or not they have kids, whether or not they can assemble IKEA furniture together amicably... .The fact is, herpes is another thing that narrows our dating pool.  Another fact is, you are worthy of being fully adored and embraced.  You're right.  The virus for most of us is nothing compared to the relationship complications it brings.  Hang in there.  I hope this guy works out for you.  But if it turns out he isn't, you will get through it and you will be ok.  Life has more good stuff in store for you that you can't even imagine yet - people you haven't met, places you haven't seen, and adventures you never could have forseen.  Keep the faith.