Unprotected sex

[DistressedLady]

Hi all

I have had HSV2 for approximately 25 years although it wasn’t confirmed until years later. 
After a horrible rejection I abstained from relationships for about 15 years. I am now in a really happy relationship for about 4 years - on and off but continuously for approximately 18 months. He knows my status and we have been very careful when having sex. I take daily famicyclovir and we have used protection (male and female condoms) each time. Last night we had unprotected sex for the first time. 
I am taking the anntivirals and have no symptoms but I’m wondering what the chances are that he could have been infected? 
I love him dearly and couldn’t imagine passing this to him. I feel terribly guilty and feel like I should have protected him more and been strong enough to stop him. We had been drinking wine so we’re definitely less inhibited and while he is adamant it was his decision, I feel I should have protected him and that I let him down. 
I’m hoping that because it was a one off that we will be ok but can you tell me statistically what the chances are of female to male transmission of hsv2 with antivirals?
Also has anyone else had unprotected sex with a long term partner and is it normal to feel so guilty?

thank you. 

[mr_hopp]

Hi @DistressedLady!

First off, big hugs to you. 🤗 It's completely normal to feel a whirlwind of emotions after having unprotected sex for the first time in a while, especially considering your journey with HSV2. You're not alone in this boat, trust me.

The chances of passing herpes in one unprotected encounter with no symptoms is super low. I know it can feel sometimes like you're a walking disease factory but that's just not the case! My wife and I stopped using protection together years ago and she still doesn't have herpes (I take daily suppressive Acyclovir). This doesn't mean there's no risk, just that it's lower than the stigma would have you believe.

So taking antivirals like famciclovir does significantly reduce the risk of transmission (by around 50%!). And, since you mentioned not having any symptoms, that's another plus in your corner. It's not a zero-risk situation, but it's definitely lower risk. Specifically in your case, female-to-male transmission while on daily suppressive therapy but no barrier protection is 2% per year. It's super small. (To put it in perspective, there's a 2-15% chance of unintended pregnancy with condoms and a 1.8% chance of death from a car accident.) Check out all the facts and figures on the free handouts that come with the e-book here: https://www.herpesopportunity.com/lp/ebook

Now, about that guilt you're feeling... It's clear you care a lot about your partner, which says a ton about you. 😊 But remember, you both made the decision together. You're both adults here. It's not just on you to "protect" him. Relationships are a team effort, and it sounds like he understands the risks and made his big-boy choice with eyes wide open.

Feeling guilty is natural, but it's also important to give yourself some grace. You're doing your best, and that's all anyone can ask for. It's about finding balance, right? You've got a loving relationship where you've communicated openly — that's huge! I always say, don't get paranoid about it. Paranoia disconnects you from your partner. Instead, feel careful. Full-of-Care. That connects you. You're in this together!

If you're still feeling uneasy, maybe a little chat with your partner could help ease those feelings. Openness and honesty, as you know, are super important and can quell those annoying devils on your shoulder whispering you unhelpful sweet nothings ... 

And remember, you're not just "that person with herpes." You're a person with a whole universe inside you, and herpes is just a tiny part of your story. Don't let it overshadow all the good stuff in your relationship and life. 💪 In fact, let your experience with herpes uncover and strengthen even more that person you know yourself to be: That person of integrity, love, consideration, honesty, care, and [fill in the blank here with other great words]. 😝

Keep shining bright and keep us posted. First and foremost, enjoy this process of deepening and trusting. It's beautiful to hear how you're doing! 

[DistressedLady]

Thank you for your reply - I appreciate it enormously. You hit the nail on the head - I feel like a walking disease and am completely paranoid. I understand the chance is small but I’ve been in the position where I was told ‘you have a 3% chance of x happening’ and it did - so I’m still nervous. I know it doesn’t help the situation but I can’t help it!

I was wondering if you can answer these questions?

When we have asymptomatic shedding, how long does it last? Is it an hour, a day, a week?

Can you be shedding one day but not the next?

If someone is exposed to asymptomatic shedding are they guaranteed to get it or can they still avoid it?

If they have hsv1 do they have immunity to hsv2 to some degree?

I understand you are not a medical expert if you had any thoughts on these I’d really appreciate it. 

[mr_hopp]

Hey @DistressedLady

Yes, I'm sure all of us have been in that "walking disease factory" and paranoia mindset — comes with the territory thanks to the stigma. 😝 But the good news is it doesn't have to be something that sticks and stays with you. You can get over it and feel "normal" again (whatever that means). It's tough when you've been that statistical outlier before. But remember, you're way more than just those odds. Plus, I'd hazard a guess that whoever you got herpes from was either unaware they had it (with is a whopping 80% of people who have herpes!) and/or unaware of the symptoms and put you more at risk. Those %s are based on not having signs or symptoms (only asymptomatic viral shedding). Was your partner who gave it to you aware they had herpes?

Now, let's dive into your questions:

• Asymptomatic Shedding Duration: This can vary quite a bit. It's not usually a set period like an hour or a day. It can happen at different times and for different lengths of time for each person. Sometimes it might last a day; other times, it could be shorter or longer. But since you've had herpes for so long, your viral shedding should be lower, too.
• Shedding Variability: Yes, you can be shedding one day and not the next. Asymptomatic shedding isn’t a constant thing; it's sporadic and unpredictable, which is why it's tricky to pin down.
• Exposure and Transmission: Even if someone is exposed during asymptomatic shedding, it's not a guarantee they'll contract herpes. There are various factors at play, like the immune system's strength, skin integrity, and other physiological factors.
• HSV1 and HSV2 Immunity: Having HSV1 does offer some level of immunity against HSV2, but it's not absolute. It can make you less susceptible to contracting HSV2, but it's still possible to get it. The two viruses are similar, so the immune system can recognize them, but they're different enough that HSV1 antibodies aren't entirely protective against HSV2.

I hope this helps ease some of your worries. It's great that you're seeking knowledge – understanding more about HSV can definitely help in managing it and feeling more in control. You're taking the right steps by asking questions and seeking clarity.

[Dreams]

Hello! I'm new here, and I want to thank you for your work! That specific section where you mentioned being married, stopped using protection with your wife, and she didn't contract... wow! That filled me with joy.

I truly feel like a walking disease, as if all my dreams of getting married and having a family are ruined. Your work gave me a new perspective; I'm struggling to see the future with less pessimistic eyes, but I know it will get better.

Thank you so much! I'll continue reading everything you write, watching your videos, and sharing your work. Soon, I'll start contributing financially as well.

[mr_hopp]

@Dreams You’re so kind! Like a breath of fresh air. I appreciate that, and it’s truly my pleasure. It will absolutely get better. You know how I know? Because you are committed to working on seeing things differently. Ah, a fellow Opportunity hunter. 😉 

[J.L2018]

Heyy me and my partner of 4 years haven’t used protection for the majority of our relationship. I told him my status from when we started dating and said I’d take acyclovir and he was absolutely fine with that. I actually stopped acyclovir after a few weeks as he said he didn’t want me having to take tablets for something with such a low risk. We’ve just had our second baby and he still hasn’t ever tested positive or had an outbreak! We’ve even had sex when I’ve just started with an outbreak and still nothing. I know obviously everyone is different and it can be transmitted at any time but I just wanted to tell you my experience to hopefully make you feel better about the chances. If he’s happy to be with you he’s accepted the risk that could come. Don’t feel guilty you’ve been upfront with him ! 
 

[DistressedLady]

On 12/6/2023 at 12:44 AM, mr_hopp said:

Hey @DistressedLady

Yes, I'm sure all of us have been in that "walking disease factory" and paranoia mindset — comes with the territory thanks to the stigma. 😝 But the good news is it doesn't have to be something that sticks and stays with you. You can get over it and feel "normal" again (whatever that means). It's tough when you've been that statistical outlier before. But remember, you're way more than just those odds. Plus, I'd hazard a guess that whoever you got herpes from was either unaware they had it (with is a whopping 80% of people who have herpes!) and/or unaware of the symptoms and put you more at risk. Those %s are based on not having signs or symptoms (only asymptomatic viral shedding). Was your partner who gave it to you aware they had herpes?

Now, let's dive into your questions:

• Asymptomatic Shedding Duration: This can vary quite a bit. It's not usually a set period like an hour or a day. It can happen at different times and for different lengths of time for each person. Sometimes it might last a day; other times, it could be shorter or longer. But since you've had herpes for so long, your viral shedding should be lower, too.
• Shedding Variability: Yes, you can be shedding one day and not the next. Asymptomatic shedding isn’t a constant thing; it's sporadic and unpredictable, which is why it's tricky to pin down.
• Exposure and Transmission: Even if someone is exposed during asymptomatic shedding, it's not a guarantee they'll contract herpes. There are various factors at play, like the immune system's strength, skin integrity, and other physiological factors.
• HSV1 and HSV2 Immunity: Having HSV1 does offer some level of immunity against HSV2, but it's not absolute. It can make you less susceptible to contracting HSV2, but it's still possible to get it. The two viruses are similar, so the immune system can recognize them, but they're different enough that HSV1 antibodies aren't entirely protective against HSV2.

I hope this helps ease some of your worries. It's great that you're seeking knowledge – understanding more about HSV can definitely help in managing it and feeling more in control. You're taking the right steps by asking questions and seeking clarity.

Thank you for your reply. It has been helpful at calming my overactive paranoid brain so it is very much appreciated. 
Btw I’m pretty sure the guy who gave it to me knew he had it and just didn’t care.  He was cheating on me, gave me hsv2, said he ‘you didnt get nothing from me!’ when I asked him and dumped me. 
Looking back he had a sore on his penis but I had no idea about stds at the time (26 years ago) and didn’t think you could get one when you were with a boyfriend for a long time. 
I haven’t spoken to him since and I will never forgive him. 
But that’s life!

thanks again for your kind words and help. 

[DistressedLady]

14 hours ago, J.L2018 said:

Heyy me and my partner of 4 years haven’t used protection for the majority of our relationship. I told him my status from when we started dating and said I’d take acyclovir and he was absolutely fine with that. I actually stopped acyclovir after a few weeks as he said he didn’t want me having to take tablets for something with such a low risk. We’ve just had our second baby and he still hasn’t ever tested positive or had an outbreak! We’ve even had sex when I’ve just started with an outbreak and still nothing. I know obviously everyone is different and it can be transmitted at any time but I just wanted to tell you my experience to hopefully make you feel better about the chances. If he’s happy to be with you he’s accepted the risk that could come. Don’t feel guilty you’ve been upfront with him ! 
 

Thank you so much for taking the time to send that. You have no idea how good it is to hear that - what a relief. I think I’m so paranoid I have let it grow into this huge big deal to the extent that I’m afraid to enjoy sex in case I get too close and then pass it to him. 
Your messages are beyond calming and reassuring - you have no idea. 
Massive congratulations on your second child. What lovely news and what a positive story. 
THANK YOU!

[montereypop]

On 12/6/2023 at 11:39 PM, J.L2018 said:

Heyy me and my partner of 4 years haven’t used protection for the majority of our relationship. I told him my status from when we started dating and said I’d take acyclovir and he was absolutely fine with that. I actually stopped acyclovir after a few weeks as he said he didn’t want me having to take tablets for something with such a low risk. We’ve just had our second baby and he still hasn’t ever tested positive or had an outbreak! We’ve even had sex when I’ve just started with an outbreak and still nothing. I know obviously everyone is different and it can be transmitted at any time but I just wanted to tell you my experience to hopefully make you feel better about the chances. If he’s happy to be with you he’s accepted the risk that could come. Don’t feel guilty you’ve been upfront with him ! 
 

Wow this is great! I'm curious to hear how you managed taking the meds while on pregnancy? Did you ever consider/worry about long term side effects of taking daily valacyclovir for years? 

[J.L2018]

On 12/7/2023 at 12:57 PM, DistressedLady said:

Thank you so much for taking the time to send that. You have no idea how good it is to hear that - what a relief. I think I’m so paranoid I have let it grow into this huge big deal to the extent that I’m afraid to enjoy sex in case I get too close and then pass it to him. 
Your messages are beyond calming and reassuring - you have no idea. 
Massive congratulations on your second child. What lovely news and what a positive story. 
THANK YOU!

awh I’m so glad it helped ! 💖 & thank you so much ❤️ 

[J.L2018]

On 12/9/2023 at 6:28 PM, montereypop said:

Wow this is great! I'm curious to hear how you managed taking the meds while on pregnancy? Did you ever consider/worry about long term side effects of taking daily valacyclovir for years? 

So when you’re pregnant they will only put you on them from 36 weeks to prevent an outbreak during delivery !i actually had an outbreak a week before still but was still able to have baby naturally 😊 acyclovir etc does pass through the placenta but it’s not known to cause any harm to the baby and both of mine have come out at full term and healthy 😊 
before I met my partner I was on daily suppressive acyclovir for 2 years and I was worried about long term but my partner didn’t want me taking them so apart from when I’ve been pregnant i have stopped taking them ! X