I am scared of what will happen.

[Sarahwebster]

Hi, last year I got diagnosed with herpes simplex. I was in a 9 month relationship and he gave me it without any warning. When I found out he had gave it to me I forgave him because I loved him, but now I am paying for it since we have split up. I'm scared of meeting someone. I live in a small town so if I do find someone and he tells people the whole town will know, and the thought of that gets me so down. I have a friend that also has it. She got involved with a lad and she told him and unfortunately he went round and told everyone, my friend then got very suicidal and I don't want that to happen to me. I have met this boy and I do really like him but I don't want sex with him for obvious reasons but I don't want to tell him just incase he walks away and leaves me broken hearted or he tells people. I have read all about herpes and thought maybe it will help, but nothing seems to be helping and I feel so down, really don't know what to do. I just want my life back again because right now, I feel like I don't have one because I feel like I can't have a relationship. I don't know wether I should wait for a cure or to risk my life being ruined, I need some help!

[mr_hopp]

Hey Sarahwebster! Welcome to the forums. Glad you're here. :)

 

It's important to take this step by step and not think ahead too much. From this place, it's easy to start creating this bleak outlook on the future. Why? Because you haven't even accepted it yourself yet. Of course it's easy to assume the whole WORLD won't ever accept this, too. But as you progress down the path of self-acceptance and self-love, something magical tends to happen: The more you accept yourself, the more others accept you, too. But you can't skip ahead ... Tend to yourself first. From there, when the time is right, you will start to tell others when you feel safe and trusting of them. But only when you're ready. You're clearly not ready to do that yet. And that's okay. You're not expected to be. Everyone has their own process. What's important is that you take care of yourself and talk to people (like us, family members, best friends) who will accept you no matter what. The more you allow yourself to be in acceptance, the more it will seep deeply into your bones and you will be ready to expand beyond yourself and tell potential partners and more.

 

And the story of your friend is sad to hear. Hurts my heart. It's sad to hear that someone else would betray her trust like that. But don't let that paint a picture of how YOUR future will be. You are different than she is; you will have different experiences. And you will allow those experiences to be what they will be when they happen. But they aren't happening yet. :) You will cross those bridges when you come to them.

 

Does all of that make sense to you?

[Sarahwebster]

Yeah but I'm still worried that it will get out and I think he would tell people, and he knows a lot of people I know. Just really don't know what to do. I want to end things but I don't want to hurt him

[mr_hopp]

Do you trust him with your vulnerability? If yes, then you can trust him with a disclosure conversation; if no, then wait until you feel that you can trust him. There's no rush on this. Continuing a relationship without having sex is simply getting to know each other better. It's old fashioned. :)

[dancingintherain]

I like old fashioned! It gives you space and time to build a friendship. Tell him you need to take things slow. If he steps up and respect your wishes then he may just be someone you can trust. If he wishes to rush things then maybe he's not the one for you.

 

You know you are the most important person in your world. You really need to look after you first and I agree that if you have so many worries then the time isn't right to be disclosing your situation. There's H dating websites. Have you checked any of them? When I first found out about my H I checked them out. I didn't join any straight away but just knowing they were there was a comfort for when I was ready to get back out there and dating. Is the option of moving somewhere bigger something that you can consider? It could be an adventure of your lifetime. A new job, new friends and new places to explore. It's hard though when your heart becomes involved but if you can take a step back and give yourself time it may be that things will have a way of working themselves out. xxo

[tallBB]

Hello Sarahwebster,

 

I am sorry you are having a tough time. I too, have been there. You are not alone. I too, had suicidal thoughts. For me it is very complex situation. I have been in a marriage for 22 years. Monogamous for 18 years. Then, I finally admitted I was bi-sexual. My husband and i decided to have an open marriage. It was exciting and also great for our sex life. Especially for me since I was a naive virgin when I met him. es, he was my first real boy friend, and I married him.

 

Things get complicated...we moved to another country because my husband lost his job and there was no work for him in America. I had a lesbian lover I saw occasionally. He had a lover as well. It got out of hand. I moved back to America with our two kids.

We have been apart for 18 months. I played with people 2 a month. I got herpes 1 genital 6 weeks ago.

My husband said, he did not want to have sex with me because he didn't want to get the disease. This was shocking for me. But, I thought, it's okay, I understand, I thought I possibly would say the same....

I was feeling lower and lower... I decided to do a personal development course called Landmark Forum to help me get clarity on the situation. IT HELPED ME SO MUCH!

I feels so good freeing myself of the horrible shame I was feeling. I am accepting my herpes disease. I choose it. I will now have healthier sexual relationships and a healthier life because I will need to keep my stress level to a minimum and genuinely love myself.

 

On Saturday, I shared with my husband that I thought I would like to separate....I can not guarantee him that he will not get the disease. I don't want to worry about having sex with him. I don't want to hide who I am, I don't want to feel ashamed of who I am. I feel good and feel open.

By the way, I had a beautiful surprise....one of the incredibly hot men I was seeing before I got herpes, asked to see me again. I was so shocked. He does not have herpes! I thought he was joking. He said, he was serious. He said, he read all about herpes and knows what he is in for. 4 days ago, we had fabulous mind blowing sex! It was like nothing had changed. He made me feel soooo good. It has changed. A lot has changed. I love and respect myself.

 

This too can be you! Be kind to yourself.

Hugs to you!

[WCSDancer2010]

@tallBB

 

Good for you doing the Forum! There are many self help/personal growth companies and private workshops out in the world and it's a great thing when someone invests in themselves and takes the time to do something like the Forum ...

 

Of course, we have the Herpes Opportunity Weekend coming up in June and I believe there may be a spot of two left for anyone who is interested ... and I can give you a discount code too... just PM me... It's an amazing place for people to work on acceptance and... as you learned... CHOOSING to live and love with H ....

 

And congrats on the Hottie ... just because your hubby is not able to look beyond H doesn't mean others won't :)

 

(((HUGS)))