Why do people have such varied reactions to herpes disclosures?

[Kath_R]

I've found myself recently single (the least of my troubles, it was a wonderful, fulfilling relationship) and thus playing the dating game again. The first time I ever had to disclose to someone, I got an absolutely awful reaction. He was totally outraged, furious at me for kissing him (I have nothing oral, we hadn't slept together), and it left quite a bad taste in my mouth and gave me a very negative idea of what to expect in the future. So I switched to online dating and my profile reads: "Let me say upfront, I have Type 2 Herpes" as my first sentence. I decided I didn't want anyone mean and narrow minded wasting my time and emotions. It's worked out pretty well so far, many men admire the honesty, but still, every once in a while, I meet someone I'm interested in in person and I have to have that talk. Since my breakup, I've had to tell 3 guys and really not one has reacted as poorly as I might have guessed.

 

The first was understanding, but ultimately declined, which I understand since we were discussing the possibility of a casual arrangement, and we're both still good friends. The second was a guy I work with who'd apparently been interested in me for weeks and finally got the nerve up to tell me. I have no interest in him and said "You don't want to get with me like that, I have herpes" (which I admit was soley to "scare him off") and as luck would have it, he didn't care in the slightest and said "so what?". The third is a guy I've been dating and just recently told. I once again, expected the worst and he said "That sucks, but you're not your herpes, let's just keep seeing each other and see where this goes".

 

It just makes me wonder why some people loose their minds and others couldn't care less? Is it how well educated they are about sexual health? Is it how emotionally invested they already are in me? Are some people just jerks? How do I get more of the good and less of the bad?

[fyrefenyx]

Whether you have H or not, seems like you gotta keep the red flag meter up when dating...still gotta weed the good from the bad....good eggs and bad eggs and some that seem they need to find their marbles...it's an experience and you'll end up finding out who's really true blue quickly

[mr_hopp]

It's all of the above, Kath. :) Some people see it for what it is: Just an annoying skin condition that has an unfortunate sexual stigma wrapped around it. (Ah, gotta love our puritanical American society, lol!) Others might have ignorant judgments about it. Others might know all about it and still not want to risk getting it. And everything in between.

 

This is important to recognize, though ... BECAUSE there have been varied reactions in only the 3 stories you've told, that goes to show that by its very nature, there is no absolute "truth" about what having herpes means. Each person determines that in their own mind. Some people are swayed by what others people say about herpes, what the media says, etc. But YOU get to determine that for yourself. Everyone will have their own opinion on herpes. Some will judge herpes and judge you. Others will say it ain't no biggie. What really matters through all of that is what you decide for yourself.

[WCSDancer2010]

Seems you got the perfect answer from each of them. #1 was a jerk and did you a favor by showing his colors. #2 ... well, those casual arrangements can get awkward over time... and you still have your friend as a friend. #3 and 4 are both winners ( I LOVE the kismet with the guy you are not interested in who was not in the least bothered...perhaps there is more to #3 than you realize! )