Does this sound like subtle blame to you?

[misskellyrenee]

So I told my brother and his gf of 5 years about my H diagnosis because I had just lost the support system of my ex partner, and needed more people rallied behind me.

The reaction I got was confusing to say the least.

On one hand they were supportive and told me they didn't see me differently, and on another they said things that sounded a whole hell of a lot like blame.

 

"You are going to have to live with the consequences now"

"By having casual sex you were playing with fire and you got burned"

 

When I brought up some of the mean things that people said to me, my brother told me that i was just "something I was going to have to live with now."

I have a feeling my ex partner gave it to me, and they put blame on him, but then were like "You aren't totally blameless..."

Even after I explained that condoms don't completely protect you, they dismissed it.

 

Their half support hurts more than the nonsupport i get from some people

[mr_hopp]

Yep, it sounds like they'd have a super rough time with themselves if somehow they got herpes. ;) Along the lines of what this discussion is about:

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1726/an-interesting-thought/p1

 

What it seems that you're running into here is the societal stigma seeping in disguised as support and acceptance. Their own judgments about herpes and what all that means is being passed along to trigger all that same shit in you.

 

So here's the open question: Do you now let what they say be your truth or do you know that they're just pinning their own judgments on you? I know it can be hard when at the beginning of a herpes diagnosis we all wrestle with our own demons and self-judgments, but this is actually an opportunity to rise above their judgments and still know yourself to be whole and worthy of love. Because you frickin' are, dammit. :)

 

And yes, there can still be truth fished out of what they say once you disinfect the judgment off of it ... "Living with the consequences" can be seen as learning from our past so it shapes us into an ever better version of ourselves. Getting an incurable STD can impact your life negatively or positively based on what you want to learn from it. I choose to move forward with resiliency and gratitude. And that's a powerful choice.

[misskellyrenee]

Yeah for sure, I'm glad it's not just me that saw what they said as judgement.

It's hard when it's family that is saying it, so those judgements feel like they hit harder than if it were just a random person.

It doesn't help that I have already been really low and depressed.

You are right though, i do need to learn from the past and make better partner choices and choose partners that aren't going to leave me or judge me.

[Pacific]

Ah poor Miss Kelly, it's been a rough few weeks for you. I'm sorry that your family and your ex-partner were not as supportive and caring as they should have been and as you needed them to be.

 

Here are my two cents - you did not deserve "this." You did not "have it coming." This is not some cosmic or karmic punishment. Sometimes, bad things just happen, and I'm not just referring to herpes. Diabetes, car accidents, fires, bankruptcy, losing your job - I certainly do not believe anyone "deserves" these things, even if a person made some poor choices. We are human, we make mistakes. Everyone who is in a dark place or in a dark moment in their life deserves a bit of compassion and love.

 

So please don't absorb the judgment or negative attitudes or people who are less than supportive. Don't allow it to affect your moral core or your fundamental character. Hopefully, you'll surround yourself with people who are loving, compassionate, and kind. And it's okay that you're feeling sad right now. Not everything is going to be marshmallows and roses in the beginning of this journey. But have faith that you are taking a step in the right direction - towards a more compassionate, reflective, and mindful existence with a lot less judgment.

 

[misskellyrenee]

I am so fortunate to have you all! I am so lucky that I found this site!

Yeah, he gets judgemental and tends to get on his high horse and assumes that because he's older that he knows it all when he really doesn't.

I tried to tell him that it really isn't more than a skin disorder, and he was like "well, I think its more than that...but okay."

OI VEY!

[NexisLexis]

I feel the same way. like I can't tell my parents that I and my husband have herpes. I almost came out but knowing my mom who is sixty something wouldn't understand. when I tried to tell her she jumped to conclusions and asked if I was having a nervose breakdown. never did tell her. and with that generation gap I really don't know if she could handle it. I'm 41. and she is still pretty much old school trying to play detective and what if you did this. all the non supportive questions I even asked a friend who has HPV if this was some divine retribution and she said no...its something that just happens. it is what it is.

 

Adrial, you are truly awesome When I read your posts I feel a little bit stronger. thank you for your compassion and wisdom. Miss Kelly just wanted to let you know your not alone. Pm me anytime would love to talk to you.