feeling inferior and sad with herpes

[inspired32]

A little over a year has passed since I first found out I tested positive for herpes type 1 on my genitals. Ever since then I have been extremely luck to have had zero outbreaks since my initial. I have been on a rocky path this past week having several epiphanies about myself and this experience by the end of the academic year. ( I am currently going into my last year of undergrad). The last (friends with benefits) fling I had was with a guy who lasted just over a month and was actually connected to my "giver." These small flings I have including the one with my giver have never gone past casual or became as intimate as having sexual intercourse. I felt at the time that abstaining from sex just as I was before this diagnosis was a great thing that made me unique because in my generation it felt nice to know I had respect for my body and did not sleep around. However, I am not realizing that I CAN'T have flings even without sex with having herpes. Not only can't I, but that oral sex or mutual masturbation is still a form of sex and that is not having 100% self respect. Anyways, that is my background on my latest lessons with having herpes, but the part I am feeling inferior about is that I am constantly having dreams about my giver and him tormenting me and haunting me. He is always very rude to me in my dreams and this time had a new girl in the dream. Not only do I dream about him, but also the guy I was recently with and who is his friend. He is always trying to get back with me but can't because of my rejection. I am just tired of being chased by him I know they are dreams but it has been a year and I really want to let go of this anger. I still hate him even though I have found my few (so far) "opportunities" from herpes. I see it as good and bad, but I want my giver to leave me alone. I am feeling like he gets to go live his life not facing that he has herpes and may be spreading it around unknowingly while I am struggling with accepting the fact that I have it and dealing with my life changes. I just don't want him to get away with it even though I know it is HIS life and HIS problems to deal with. Does anyone else have this kind of a problem with dreams? and inferiority?

[emily_bestrong]

Hi! I can relate to what you are feeling.....I am not experiencing dreams, but I can relate to the feeling of inferiority. When I look at other people with herpes who have chosen not to tell others about it, I feel like "well, why shouldn't everyone just live that way?" well....we COULD do that, but we've chosen to be honest and moral about passing a virus along. We've chosen the high road.

 

The high road isn't necessarily easy, but it's the right one (in my opinion). Honesty is the best policy and with it you really can't go wrong. I recently started a new relationship with someone and had to disclose that I had herpes. I chose to tell this person because I grew to trust him and felt really comfortable with him....he has been BEYOND supportive and understanding and is helping me feel better about the whole thing. we're figuring out ways to enjoy eachother that don't always involve intercourse, and it's actually quite fun!

 

I think the dreams are representing that you haven't completely forgiven your "giver", and that can take time. I'm not sure I've really forgiven mine completely, but what I like to do is take a step back and look at the situation from a birds eye view....this virus is SO common and it's how you CHOOSE to deal with it that shows your true character.

 

I wish you the best of luck and I hope you can figure out how to get this guy out of your head :)

 

 

-emily

[Carlos]

hello (inspired32)... my name is C. The kind of dreams I have are of a different nature. I have dreams with wild animals that either chase me or haunt me, e.g. huge black Pigs and T-Rexes that nest in my living room. LOL. I worked with a psychotherapist for years and her theory was that all things in our dreams are aspects of ourselves, remixes of our personality sort of speak. Taking that into consideration, would it be safe to say that what is chasing/haunting you is what your 'giver' represents? Moreover, you are trying to figure out how to relate to HSV... so watch out for that self-loathing trap. Yes! you must now develop a relationship to a tiny virus which now resides in your body... do you watch True Blood? Tara was a vampire hater for 4 years... and now she is one: she even tried suicide but it didn't work. Tara must now live with the fact that she is a Vampire--forever--. A little pop-culture reference never fails.

 

By the way, I love how you call him 'Giver'... very interesting twist. (h) may seem/feel like we're wearing a scarlet letter... but I remind myself that it presents an opportunity to weed out the riff-raff. Those who can't/won't accept us EXACTLY as we are, aren't assholes, but they are also not suited to be around us. Forgive them and let them go. Some people--in my opinion--waltz into our lives to teach us about uncompromising love for the self. These teachers, or 'givers', stir the muck within us, like stirring the clumps of sugar from the bottom of your cup of coffee; that stirrer is necessary, otherwise the muck remains stuck at the bottom (of our souls). As hard as it feels--because the anger is strong--I take a sec to be grateful for the opportunity to see that I am always my own refuge, my own source of love. No (ex)boyfriend can take that away from you. You are whole, beautiful, loving & lovable... as you are here & now.

 

Chin up, kiddo. I wish you well :)

[emily_bestrong]

Carlos, I love this!

 

"Some people--in my opinion--waltz into our lives to teach us about uncompromising love for the self. These teachers, or 'givers', stir the muck within us, like stirring the clumps of sugar from the bottom of your cup of coffee; that stirrer is necessary, otherwise the muck remains stuck at the bottom (of our souls)."

 

 

:-)

[Carlos]

LoL -- ladies you catch me at my most inspirational, or maybe that's the tequila. O:-)

[healing]

carlos, your entire post lifted me out of the funk I was in. I really needed to hear that. Thank you so much.

[Iris4]

Yes Carlos, ditto to what everyone else is saying! And emily, I feel the exact same way about how amazing his analogy is to the clumps of sugar in coffee cups. Carlos, I've said it to you before but I absolutely adore your insightful comments. I love your perspective, you always bring the issue back to the reality of our situations: that h is really about our relationship to ourselves.

 

It's also funny that you mentioned the True Blood thing because I was just thinking that last night when I watched the latest episode. Many of the comments Tara was making referring to being a vampire, I substituted for h and realized how much of a connection there was. I also read your post about the show Girls on HBO as well and thought the same thing about their HPV episode. If herpes was discussed more openly on television, and possibly endorsed by a celebrity, I bet people would be more open to it. There's this wonderful blog I've read that has a post about that same issue if you're interested called "Love in the time of herpes" (Not sure what post it is but I love all of what this woman has to say on her site)

 

Inspired, I've had dreams where I tell someone I have h and get rejected, or I'm with a group of people I don't know and someone makes a horrible joke about herpes. I always wake up feeling slightly off but I know this is my own subconscious mind working out its judgments and outdated beliefs on h. Like I said before though, h gives us more of an opportunity to take a closer look at ourselves and who we really are. It's up to you how you want to think and feel about having herpes; once you decide how you want to view it, you will see how your world will change as a result of your perspective. I personally choose to not see it as a big deal, and know that whatever is going to happen in my life from now on is meant to happen. I suggest choosing to view it in the best light you can, to me it's really my only option, and it feels really good to view life positively. I hope you are having better dreams!