My mom knows I have herpes, why dont I feel any better about it

[Aimee (previously baffled1]

my diagnosis is new, still waiting for all tests results to come back. those who dnt my story, my ex knew he has oral and genital herpes for years and withheld it.we going court for it.

 

I swore i would never tell anyone in my family even my mom who has always been my rock. my mother is a politcal figure, well respected and loved. both her and my step father have been active the community for years. My sister has a high profile job. she is loved and respected. So can you see the horror of any in my family and outside of my family finding out i have herpes ( according to my ob/gyn but general doc disagrees)

 

So weds. morning i ended up in the emergency room with extreme lower back pain and left side abdominal pain. i have PCOS since 1998. its a miserable condition. the doc ran ultra sound and couldnt believe my pain was on my left side because i have cyst 7cm on my right ovary. this is the ame hospital my ob is affiliated with. i asked the er doc to see if all my results were in.

 

when i 1st got there they gave a pain killer so i had to have someone come pick me up. i called my mom who close and she would need to come if they released me. They called my doc who was since its day before thanksgiving. the on call ob didnt want to operate since i wasnt his patient so messaged my doc with the info. so they were releasing me, called my mom to come get me, while she is on her way , the er and nurse come in give more pain meds to take home and a prescription for acyclovir. the doc says not all ur tests are back but you need the rx for herpes. keep in my this is still and are in the diagnosing phase. thats all the er doc says and walks out. i start crying. that nurse says to me, " what are you crying for at least your night dead" I lost on her to get the f.... out my room among other things. so other nurse comes to comfort at the same time here comes my mom.

 

She was in shock to see me in such distress. So as we leave the hospital, im crying out of control. at this moment, i knew there was no keeping what was going on.

 

Took me 20 minutes to get it out, what the preliminary diagnosis is and what it happened. i spent weds. and thur night at my moms house one so she could keep eye on me because the cysts and powerful pain meds and 2nd, monday i found out i am severe insulin resistant and severe hypoglyemcic too. should have been in a coma or dead from blood sugar levels.

back to story, sorry, in conversations she really tried to make me feel better where researched how common it s etc. then she told me when she had a hysterectomy at 40 bevasue my 2nd step father at the time was very unfaithfull and she had precancerious cells on cervix and uterus now known to cause by HPV.

 

she promised to keep my status a secret from everyone else as i wished. so why dont i feel better. i even said what horrible for her to would be if people knew her daughter has herpes. she just shrugged of that question and said, you are daughter,i love all my children the same.

 

Insight please to why i dont feel any better about her knowing?

[Itcanhappentoyou885]

Okay, can I just point out a couple things that caught my attention right away?

 

I noticed that you described both your mom and sister has both having high profile jobs, THEN saying they were loved and respected. Would it matter if they worked at Wal-mart? Would this make them less loved and respected?

 

I have read a couple other of your posts around this community, and although Adrial will come and say this in much nicer words, if you were my friend I would smack you. You do realize that your ex is human right? and that not one person was born wishing they had herpes, or any other tough situation they go through? Are you a compassionate person? Because I am not really seeing it in your posts?

 

And maybe that's why you aren't feeling better. Are you judgemental to the point that you could not look yourself in the mirror without ripping yourself apart for being human?

 

You don't feel better because I speculate, because your attitude towards yourself, goes a lot deeper than a simple skin condition.

 

I am sure Adrial will come in soon and rewrite this into something beautiful. But as a friend who is also experiencing herpes, I want to slap you, then cry and hug you.

 

Everything is going to be okay.

[Aimee (previously baffled1]

itcanhappentou885,

I welcome your thoughts. I am an empath. i am defitenely a compassionate person. Both so much that it can be my downfall. maybe it cant be seen that in my posts because my anger most certainly comes through more at this time in some posts. No one would ask to have this. At the same time, noone has the right to take my right, your right or anyone right of choice away, especially if that person knows they have it.

But when it comes to my ex, No i m not. I am only one of many women he knowingly exposed them without telling them. he has known for 15yrs at least that he has both. My ex ( just saying my ex and only him) is also a sopcoipath, narcissitic, passive/agressive.

I wouldnt be angry about it if he didnt know he has it. i would still be just as devastated but not angry.

As far as my mom and sister, Its their positions in society that makes the difference. There are high expectations and pressures involved. My question is about why i dont i feel better is about my mom knowing. One would thing that I would since my mom is my rock.

Thanks for thoughts. Each response offers opportunity to think and reflect.

[peaceandlove]

Baffled1,

 

I'm so sorry you're hurting like this. Having this condition is so hard emotionally and if you don't have a strong sense of self beforehand it can really take a toll on how you see yourself. I'm struggling with that too. I understand the doubts and negative thoughts that never seem to go away. It can be overwhelming.

 

The way you speak of your mom and sister makes it seem as if you don't see yourself as equal to them. Are you not loved and respected too? Even if you don't have a high profile job, I'm sure you have people around you who care deeply about and have a very high opinion of you. You're letting having H erase any other positive qualities you have. This disease doesn't change ANYTHING about who you are. I think the feelings of inadequacy you are experiencing came long before you were diagnosed and this just brought it all to the surface.

 

Telling your mom was a good step, if you hide this from the people you love you will always feel isolated. Your mom will be an amazing source of support for you. She loves you unconditionally. Even with that, you won't feel better until you love yourself. Nothing anyone says will change what you see when you look in the mirror.

 

I won't comment about your ex, I don't know him. I believe we are all human and make mistakes, but I'm not in your shoes. What he did was wrong, you have every right to be angry. But that anger will consume you and devestate your life much more than H will if you let it. Find peace for yourself and make all your dreams come true. Herpes won't keep you from that.

 

One day at a time, that's all we can do. It isn't easy but it gets better.

 

[WCSDancer2010]

Ok - here is what I am seeing... if it doesn't land for you, then that's ok.

 

But I'm guessing that you are feeling the stigma that would have been associated with your mother's getting HPV from your father and the resulting hysterectomy..... not that anyone knew the association then, but you know now. Certainly history seems to repeat itself (look how many people with alcoholic parents marry an alcoholic, or girls who get pregnant in their teens whose mother had them at 15, etc) and perhaps that is why you attracted this man to you...also I don't know how you view your mother in regards to her relationship with your father but there *might* be something in there to look at. Again, I could be totally off base there but just throwing it out there for you to chew on.

 

But back to why it doesn't make you feel better.... I think ICHTY is right -until you learn to love yourself, it won't matter who you tell, you will still see yourself as damaged goods. And until you let go of the anger at your ex, you will always be a victim of his behavior. Yes, what he did was wrong and I won't argue about your choice to take him to court. But until you release that anger (and it may not be possible till the case is over as it will keep it as a raw wound while you are dealing with it) it may not matter who you tell, you will stay in this very un-empowered place.

 

Also, being (or at least feeling) under the pressure to be the "perfect person" because of your mother's and sisters jobs/profiles can't be helping. You have to know that your having herpes (caught, BTW, in a LTR from a man who is meant to protect the public and who *should* have more integrity) should not have anything to do with their jobs. Don't put that on your shoulders. It sounds like your mother is not concerned about it (as she promised to not talk about it for YOUR sake) so don't go making this about having to protect them. They will be just fine, promise.. :)

 

Perhaps, just perhaps, when this all settles down for you, you can use YOUR influence to help change the perceptions around Herpes and STD's in general. If your family has that kind of klout in the area, who knows what you might be able to accomplish, even locally, to help educate others and reduce the stigma of this disease.

 

(((HUGS)))

[Aimee (previously baffled1]

Wcsdancer2010

I can agree with your thoughts. My mom and dad married young then had 3 kids. Back then that is what you did. They split when iI was 6. My mom remarried a man who was good to us but not her. ( an alcoholic, abusive, and cheated) ththat's who gave her the HPV. My step father now of about 20yrs or so is amazing to her and they have a great marriage.

My father, Oh boy that's a whole different strory. He has always been in my and siblings life butwon't win any awards for man/husband of the year...lol

there could be seem truth to your other thoughts and aslo

Peacinlove, it could happen to you. Thanks.

[WCSDancer2010]

Herpes has a way (if we allow it) of pulling the band-aid off of our past wounds and making us face them head on. THAT is why Adrial came up with the Herpes "Opportunity" way of looking at this disease...and it is sooo spot on!

 

Perhaps there is something to clean up between you and your mother that will make you feel better about the whole situation. If you can voice your fears about how this will affect her if it ever got out, and be able to accept whatever her feeling are about it and know that in the end, you won't knowingly do anything to mess up her career, you *might* feel better knowing that she is there and will (I bet) go to bat for you however you decide to handle this in the future..... ;)