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Article: "Why hooking up is letting you down."

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I have only begun reading this, but so far it seems to touch on a conversation thread that comes up time to time in our community around "Now that I have herpes, I can't have those casual hookups?"



(Disclaimer: My posting of this article in no way is insinuating that herpes is gotten only from casual hookups. That's part of the stigma that you ONLY get it if you're somehow "loose." We all know that herpes is an equal opportunity STD.) ;)


What are your thoughts on this article and how might it apply to you?

This content is for informational purposes only. This information does not constitute medical advice or diagnosis. I'm not a medical professional, so please take this as friendly peer support. 

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I think she's on to something about in liberating sex people have forgot how to relate to each other and treat people with respect. I wouldnt wait for marriage because that's a big and sacred step. You wouldn't want to commit to buying a horse without making sure it wasn't gonna keep bucking you off and hurting u everytime you tried to ride it. i know that's probably an awkward analogy but that's the best i could come up with. After sex it seems people becone more comfortablr and their true selves show. Not everyone's this way but some are. This article was clearly written by an older christian lady ajd never really explored the psyche of why women really hook up. They hook up in the hopes of attaining love "when they least expect it" yeah (sarcasm) lol. Truth is they really are whether consiously or subconsciously looking for love. Why else are we bawling our eyes out when that friend with benefits decides "we're getting to close. we should take a break" If i could just go back in time and tell myself which men were gonna be special and really count for something and the ones that didn't i could have saved myself a lot of wasted energy and effort. Because the truth is ladies it doesn't matter if you lather on that sweet smellin victoria secrets lotion. it doesn't matter if you were the trendiest lingerie. it doesn't matter if you pull all the kinkiest shit u can think of in the bedroom. What type of clothes and make up u wear what new hairstyle you wear. If a guy is into you and you really connect you won't feel all this pressuue to "win" him. it may be true that u got to make love work but it shouldn't be that fcking hard where u change urself inside out and back again. Now i have no freakin clue why men hook up as I've never been privileged to be one. I have heard male friends say its less drama although i would think just hooking up wiuld entail more drama but anyhow back to the article the lady is really into something about the two roles of nuturer and protector complementing each other in family dynamics. my parents have been together for 32 years still married. It works because i see it everyday lol. The problem in our society is in placing the blame game of dating. women are forgetting to be women and men are forgetting to be men. this goes with same sex partners to. you have a dominate protective energy and a passive nurturing energy. moral of the response though ladies who think hooking up is gonna buy them love. stop looking for someone who completes you. start looking fir someone who compliments your personality . And don't waste your time with hooking up chances are the dudes not worth it. And if he is wirth it he wont rush you. Thanks for the article adrial it was a good one.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hello all! I'm new on here, and really enjoying all the conversations-and most importantly-the support!


I thought I'd chime in here with my two cents. I think the woman that wrote this article brings up some very valid points. However, she is painting all people with the same brush, and making a lot of fairly absolute statements that I don't agree with.


I think we are so indoctrinated with conflicting messages about sex in our culture that it is very, very difficult to figure out what we actually think and feel. Especially as women, we are faced with a more sophisticated version of the madonna/whore complex of the past. We may think we are more liberated, but as a high school teacher, I can tell you that guys are still celebrated for sleeping around, and girls are still slut shamed. In our culture in general, don't talk about sex in an open and honest way, and that creates all these weird inconsistencies. On the one hand, sex is everywhere, but on the other hand, we still have these puritanical mores that underlie how we talk and think and feel about it.


Not sure this is making sense.


Anyway-after leaving a 12 year relationship-I emerged into the world of sex and dating with pretty much zero experience. Early thirties, and had only ever had relationships. I found that I quickly had to re-think all my thoughts about sex and how I felt about it-and often in ways that surprised me.


For example, I have found that it is possible for me to be involved in a sexual relationship that is not "going anywhere"-I had a loving, wonderful 5 month "relationship" that was based solely on physical needs. I would have never, ever thought that was possible for me-and I still now look back on it as the most healing thing that could have happened to me at the time. It taught me so much, about myself and my body. The thing that made it so special, and what made it work, was communication. So many physical relationships are disastrous because everyone is too scared to talk about their feelings.


I've since been hurt by the "friends with benefits" situations that the article mentions, and I'm sure have hurt others. What did all the situations have in common? A lack of communication. A lack of openness. Sometimes-that lack of communication was with myself. One time I convinced myself i was ok with our casual relationship-I knew deep down I wasn't. We have to listen to our gut.


I feel like I could ramble on forever here, so I'll close with this:


Sex is a beautiful thing. It's a beautiful thing when it's two people that are in love, and it's a beautiful thing when it's just two people that are in lust-as long as there is communication-and as long as there are precautions! If these two things are in place, I truly don't think there is anything wrong with "hooking up" or "casual encounters".


(side note: that has been one of my biggest struggles with H-I'm still not ready for a serious relationship, and have felt quite ripped off at not being able to explore sexually in the way I would like to-and the way so many of my friends are. I am trying to be more brave and put myself out there when it feels right-but you all know how hard that can be)


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All valid points and I generally agree with you...


Perhaps if you are still feeling the need for a FWB type sexual relationship, your best bet would be to go to the STD/Herpes dating sites ... disclosing for a one night or FWB relationship is likely to end in far more disappointments (rightly IMO) than not because there has been no trust, and no opportunity to build communication lines before the disclosure. When you are on those sites the disclosure issue is not a problem - so it's only a matter of being clear exactly what you are looking for.... I'm sure there are a lot of H+ people out there just like you who are not ready for a relationship but who are seeking a physical relationship in the meantime. ;)

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I did try a herpes dating site…and had one good experience out of it-but it just felt kind of sleazy. I don't know why just putting it out there in print ("I am interested in a casual hook-up") seemed to take the magic out of it, but it did! I guess part of the fun is the unexpectedness of it all…right? Those times you just meet someone and the chemistry is strong and you just go with it…


I've been thinking more about this, and I think that what I wanted to get across was that, for me, I think it's pretty tempting to start becoming more "moral" about sex now that I have herpes, and I can't be as casual and carefree anymore. It would make it way easier if I decided that casual sex was "wrong" or that people were "Just fooling themselves" because then I wouldn't feel like I was missing out.


But, even though that door is pretty much closed for me now (and yes, I still mourn that), I still believe (in my heart) that with communication, casual sex and hooking up is a beautiful thing.


just my two cents.

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