An Unbelievable, WTHell Twist to My Story

[Aimee (previously baffled1]

Well, having this is difficult enough, getting it from someone who didn't know they had it its tough, and acquiring it from someone who knew they had it but didn't tell u before being intimate makes it even ,more devastating to me. Those who know my story know how it happened for me.Although II'm still not entirely convinced I have it but here the WTHell part:

If I were to believe my OB/GYN, who firmly believesI have HSV 2, based on those blood work results, i would have just recently infected by my ex. This left me completely dazed and confused. Why? Because my ex and I had been split up since May. Ok, so the week before Hollween is when i started having sypmtoms out of the blue. Oct 9, I went out with my friends to celebrate of their birthdays. Im not a big drinker anymore but this night i got wasted like crazy. We were partying in the district my ex wworks in so when he was done working he took me home and stayed so i would be able to get me car in the morning and he had an early detial. The funny thing is i real. Remeber nothing after a certian point from that night, like him taking home, picking up my car and driving it home at 6am and pretty much sleeping the entire next day. which is not like me ever!!!

When i told my doctor this, we determined that it was.likely I had been slipped something whileI was out. I asked him, wouldn't. I have noticed? Because that has happen to me before and I knew right away and went straight home before it took effect. My doc said I probably had too much to drink by then to notice.

Still bothered and confused about him thinking my being infected was recent, a week or so ago,I asked my ex about that night...What he said floored me and sent me in a complete state of shock!!!!! He said WE HAD SEX THAT NIGHT!!!!!!!!!! He was surprised i asked him that question but then he did find it funny that i didnt talk about it. I said, WELL OF COURSE, I DIDNT TALK ABOUT IT BECAUSE I HAVE NO MEMORY OF US EVEN HAVING SEX!!

Who does that?????? Who has sex with someone while they are highly intoxicated and barely functional???? I cant say he raped me because i dont remember any of it, so i cant say i didnt agree. But REALLY??? Who does that?

Based on that new information, it was a week or so after that night when my symptoms just appeared. IIt after Halloween is when he finally admit that he knew for sometime he has HSV1 AND HSV2. I'm already furious and devastated the he withheld his hSV status from be before becoming intimate,having sex with me when iI'm so drunk I can't do a thing for myself and have no memory of much of that night is more than just putting icinsalt in the wound. I asked him when he had , had his last outbreak, his answer; "oh about a week or so before that night."

whenI asked him why he never told me from the beginning and why he took my right of choice to make an informed, educated decision, he said " oh I don't know. I was scared , didn't think you would love me" that was his reason for knowingly exposing me to this virus without my knowledge. Then i asked him why he would have sex with me when im take drunk and plus he knew the virus could have still been active. He said,ok OK are you ready for this answer.... he said, " Because he wanted it and if he gave it time me then that would mean I would be with him because no one else would want me."

So he thinking is , "if he can't have me, give me a life long incureable disease so no one else would want me. For that reason i would have to be with him"

Please tell me, how does some one cope with that?? HOW AM I SUPPOSE TO COPE WITH, COME TO TERMS, SOME PLACE OF PEACE WITH THAT???!!!!!!

[WCSDancer2010]

he said " oh I don't know. I was scared , didn't think you would love me" that was his reason for knowingly exposing me to this virus without my knowledge.

 

Sadly that is how a lot of people feel because of the stigma of herpes - which is why we are working so hard to change how people look at it.

 

It also explains why he agreed so readily to pay for your health care costs. :(

 

There is no easy answer to this for you...but in the end, you HAVE to find peace. Nothing will change that.

 

However, I WOULD talk to your lawyer about the whole thing about him having sex with you when you were black-out drunk (and possibly drugged). IMO that IS rape. Also, it sounds like he Intentionally exposed you to the virus and that is totally not cool and *could* actually mean a much worse charge. As you know I am not crazy about charges for someone who withholds info with the belief that they are "not contagious if not breaking out" or whatever.. (ie, misinformed or ignorant of asymtomatic shedding) but if he actually TRIED to give it to you, then I think that changes the whole game.... that is WILLFUL bodily harm, and as a Cop, it goes against everything that he is meant to stand for. :(

 

So sorry you are dealing with this .... at least you finally have the truth and you can go forward from here...

 

((HUGS)))

[Aimee (previously baffled1]

Thanks,

Perhaps it sheds more light on why I'm intensely angry

[dr_h_positive]

Aimee,

 

It broke my heart to read this and I can't imagine what you're going through. I'm so sorry that your ex took advantage of you like this.

 

One thing -

I cant say he raped me because i dont remember any of it, so i cant say i didnt agree. But REALLY??? Who does that?

You CAN say that he raped you, and if you did you would be absolutely right. In fact especially given that you can't remember anything, you were not able to give valid consent. That makes what he did sexual assault. By definition. Period.

Now, whether you pursue legal action is a personal choice that you would have to make in consideration of whether it would cause you more pain to do so, and I'm sure many other factors that I can't begin to fathom. There are options, however, as well as resources to help you if this is the route that you feel would bring you the most peace. As WCSDancer said, the fact that he knowingly and WILLFULLY exposed you to potential harm with malicious intent (while raping you) is likely strong grounds for a lawsuit IF you were to chose to bring it on his ass in court.

 

I can't begin to give you legal advice, but as far as giving support for coping with herpes and your emotional needs in general - all of us are here for you.

It is so understandable for you to be angry at him - in fact, it is the only rational response. He was weak and small and tried to control you by taking away your choice to have sex, and your choice about being exposed to herpes (which, by the way, he can NEVER control you with because you are too strong to stay with him out of fear and insecurity - you will find someone WAY better regardless of herpes!!). But what also hurts is that your anger is hurting yourself more than it is hurting him. In the time you spend in pain about this, he is probably just sitting on the couch having a beer and not giving it a thought. Does this mean you have forgive him right now? Of course not! There will be a time for that when you are ready - and that means FIRST forgiving yourself and letting go of any guilt you might have over being infected.

 

Adrial put it best in another post:

 

There is a certain amount of anger that is healthy. Once anger turns to hate, it becomes unhealthy for us, not the person being hated. Being angry with someone else for what they did to us is like ingesting poison and expecting the other person to die. It just doesn't work over the long-term.

 

So how to get over it without killing someone? Forgiveness...And that is not to minimize what this guy has done. This is not to say that what he did is okay in any way. And now that you have herpes, you can't change that part. It is now a part of you. It doesn't define you, however, unless you let it. The sooner you can learn to love yourself with herpes and be happy, the sooner you will move on... That's the biggest revenge you can possibly take on him. To move on and be happy.

 

As far as his plan for entrapping you into staying with him by making you feel unworthy of real, honest, and uplifting love... Wow. You are going to show him. You are going to find someone who loves you by making both of you better, not by clutching on and pulling you down with him. Someone who gives love to and accepts both you and himself, instead of someone who only tries to take, and who hates himself too much to be capable of true caring for another person. Although it seems impossible now to ever be at peace with the pain that this selfish man has caused you, it WILL make you stronger in spite of it all. You WILL overcome, and discover how even more beautiful and worthwhile you are as a person.

 

All my love to you Aimee.

[Aimee (previously baffled1]

I believe his intend was malice from the get go. He had plenty of opportunities to tell me instead he waited over 2years. my opinion, no matter the reason, to not tell someone before exposure is intend on bodily harm/malice. I know that's where we disagree and this OK :) :)

The only reason he is not charged right now with this is because of me, despite the intense urging of my mother. If he ccharged and would be convicted, he loses jod civil service job and discharged from military. In Louisiana, he would go to jail, pay a fine, and go on the national sex offender list.

Sounds great idea, right? Maybe, but not to me not really, Why? Although he deserves it, it would ruin him. Making difficult to provide what neccassary for me also for it 12yr son. So the DA's stance on it right now is this. He wants to see the civil agreement. Well he will anyway because he will have to justify his reason based on the civil agreement to the court why he wouldn't be pursuing charges.

[dr_h_positive]

Aimee,

 

I'm glad that you have looked into your legal options. I'm also glad that no matter how you choose to deal it, the power of the law is in your hands.

 

It's not that what he transmitted to you is all that bad or destructive in a grand sense (the herpes, I mean). You're right that it's the intent to do what he perceived as substantial harm (enough harm, he believed, to change your actions and cause you to stay with him when you otherwise wouldn't) that, in addition to the larger issue of WTF, he raped you - that is the truly despicable part.

 

It is totally your perogative to consider financial and family reasons for not serving him what he deserves in court. You are within bounds to even show him mercy for the sake of mercy - because you are the bigger person, and you are in a position to spare him suffering even when he tried to inflict it on you. He must know that too.

 

A civil suit could make him pay for the crime he committed in ways that are actually useful to you, so it's good that you are weighing all your options. Again, good luck with everything. Although legal remediation probably won't fix all the shit he put you through, it can bring some satisfaction, and you surely deserve that and much more.

[Aimee (previously baffled1]

Dr. H. Positive,

Thank for sharing your thoughts and support. :)

[tjones]

I'm pissed off too. Who can I sue? Probably half the county here has Herpes. A class action against all the people who have herpes might set a good example for the rest of the country. Then tax their meds to pay for the damages. What do you think?

[dr_h_positive]

@tjones -

 

Totally understand your anger. However, what you're proposing would, in practice, amount to litigating and taxing only the people who have a diagnosis of herpes from a physician, including the very people on this forum who know they have it and are taking steps to keep themselves healthy and protect others. Would that help anything? Consider that most of the people who transmit herpes are those that don't even know they carry it (80% of people with herpes are asymptomatic) - they would never be identified for a lawsuit and because they don't know to get treatment, aren't on medications that would be taxable. People who know they have herpes, practice disclosure and safe sex, and are on treatment to suppress viral outbreaks and shedding are far less likely to transmit it. (Also, the very idea of taxing medications is a breach of patient confidentiality because it would put information about what someone is taking and what diagnoses they have outside of a medical context.)

 

Having herpes is not the problem. Having herpes and not purposefully disclosing it to a potential partner IS a problem. Having herpes and raping someone is so much bigger of a problem, and one in which the rape is magnitudes more damaging than the herpes (and is actually criminal).

 

---A revision: ---

I didn't read the sarcasm in your tone because while it's true that there are many frivolous lawsuits bogging down our legal system, @Aimee's case is the furthest thing from such a suit. She's not "playing the victim", she is a victim. She's not trying to play the system to get everything she can from this man, she's using the courts less than she potentially could to get only what she deserves, and no more.

There are sometimes subtle distinctions which make the difference between a well-placed joke and a tone-deaf non sequitur.

[Aimee (previously baffled1]

Dr. H positive,

if you read under the discussion started by someo else struggling with herpes diagnosis, " can't get over his lie" Jones has some things his life that has happened to him that he hasn't dealt with that have absolutely nothing to do with herpes, this forum. In fact, no way does TJones say he has even has herpes. His post is has some horrible things in it. If it bothered me, i can only imaginee how the person who started the post who given this because someone to them.

I hope TJones can work through his things to find a better place for himself.He has a lot of anger about things in his life

You are so right about the problem isn't having herpes but not disclosing to potential partners is the problem.

[tjones]

You are right. Herpes is no longer an issue for me. That was over many years ago. Obviously it did not have the effect on me like you. I didn't have to worry so much about the stigma or lying because it was out in the open even then. But this is San Francisco and AIDs was an epidemic so everybody slowed down here and got serious about their life styles.. We all started asking if you had herpes etc. It turned that the women had it more than the men.

 

My comment about the lawsuits was tongue in cheek but is only because I am so tired of seeing the courts used solve problems that should be resolved between reasonable people. This litigious society is killing the country.

[WCSDancer2010]

tjones... while I agree with you about not suing in general (Aimee and I have agreed to disagree about that) I DO believe that given that he INTENTIONALLY exposed her, KNOWING he was very likely shedding (in an effort to entrap her in the relationship)...AND doing so while she was black-out drunk is reprehensible ...

 

Many people withhold their status because either the fear of being rejected scares them (and they feel dirty and unlovable), OR many believe they can't pass it on when they are not having an outbreak. I don't believe in suing in those instances as that just proves the stigma that we are "lepers" and that Herpes is this big, nasty, make-your-junk-fall-off disease .... IMO education is the way forward in those cases - getting them on places like this forum and helping them learn to manage the disease and disclose before getting intimate would be far more beneficial for our campaign to reduce the stigma ... and by reducing the stigma, we would make it less difficult/painful/scary for people to disclose in the future....

 

BUT:

 

I am one of the most non-litigious people you will meet - and I have to say, this is one time I'd go for the bastards balls, given this extra information. Rape with an intent to pass on a disease makes him about as low-life as you can get. And Aimee - sorry - I know you are concerned for his son, but if he is a man of the LAW, he has no right to that job after what he did.

 

Aimee - when did he tell you this other information?

 

At the very least - he owes you a PUBLIC apology. Perhaps that should be part of the agreement. He needs to own up to what he did and women need to know him for who he is.... financial payments won't necessarily get him to not do it again (he just wouldn't admit it anything in the future). Manning up and restoring at least *some* of his integrity through the apology would take a lot of doing.....

 

 

 

 

[tjones]

WCSDancer2010 thanks for the response it clears up some of the story for me but

 

 

The guy does sound like a weak, spineless, prick but sense way can't hear his side of the story and only rely on what aimee says I would say nuke em based on what has been said so far.

 

BTW

 

I am getting tired of the "manning up" expression that only comes from women. Is there an equivalent expression for women? Negative expressions for women are numerous but there is nothing equivalent except for lady-like or classy that I can think of regarding the positive "manning up" expression. How about womaning up?

 

[Aimee (previously baffled1]

Part if the negotiations that we are asking is that he makes a list of all former women he was since he was diagnosed with HSV2 in 2006. (Keep in mind he was exposed to it back in the early 90's when his now ex wife found out she had it.) to the court and officially notify them. also asking that he he court ordered to notify any potential partners.

i learned abiut what exactly happened the night i was so drunk about a week or 2 ago when i confronted him on things that didnt make sense and the sudden appearance of my strange symptoms

[tjones]

ok

I wonder how many of those women he was with passed it on without telling anybody they had it. Guess we will never know. Sure be great when the vaccine comes out so this thing goes the way of chickenpox and small pox which were once incurable viruses.

[tjones]

But then that would put a lot of people would have to find a new job.

[Aimee (previously baffled1]

To me, losing his jobs, jail time, fine, sex offender list wouldn't phase him that much and wouldn't seem like a true punishment to him. But what would be a true punishment to him?

It would be knowking that he has to provide for me medical, counseling,etc for the rest of my natural life. If he dies before, he will be containing that care from his grave. He will have to maintian a life insurance policy with me as the beneficiary that will allow his estate to provide that. The amount of policy is not yet determined. (Currently researching what the value should be and what is affordable for him.) Even more, He will have watch me move on with my life, find peace, happiness, and the right man for me, despite his unthinkable, malicious, reckless behavior with me. Showing him, he won't win. He accomplished his goal of exposing and infecting me but his goal to make me be with him because of it and keep me down. That is what punishment for him would be.

[tjones]

Hell has no fury.........

 

Basicly you are saying the guy is better off dead. What if the the guy is really bipolar and cant help but be a worthless piece of dogdoo? After you are done with him he'll be lucky to have sex with the local prostitute if he has any money left.

 

Wow

[lostndLOST]

THAT IS RAPE!

[WCSDancer2010]

tjones - I agree - there should be an equivalent of "manning up" - tho I think I've used that phrase for women - (because there is no sex-based equivalent phrase). I have no problem holding a woman to her integrity any more than I do a man. ;)

 

[Aimee (previously baffled1]

Lostandlost,

Thank you for your thought. :)

[WCSDancer2010]

tjones - she said nothing of the sort - all Aimee said was that she is asking for her health costs with regards to the herpes to be covered by him including if he should pre-decease her.

 

Again - what he did - by his own admission - was not a matter of just not telling Aimee of his condition - it was a matter of him INTENTIONALLY trying to get her infected so she would feel compelled to stay with him because "noone else would want to be with her". That's about as twisted and shitty as it gets. The very least he should do is cover her costs associated with the Herpes....

 

And BTW, if you look back on Aimee's discussions, she and I went head to head about this because I don't agree with suing for lack of disclosure. Most in that situation at least HOPE they won't spread it and many BELIEVE they won't spread it if they are not having an outbreak and even believe they have never spread it. (ie, much of that is ignorance caused by misinformation). It's only with this latest information that I have changed my POV. I think she's letting him off lightly .... from what Aimee has said, he really could be at least tried for rape with intent to do harm. If he gets off with just paying her Herpes related health costs, he's a pretty lucky guy IMO :(

[tjones]

agreed

[Aimee (previously baffled1]

Wscdancer2010,

thanks for your support, its true we have gone head to head sometimes. Lol, :)

[tjones]

Look Aimee. I didn't have the law or courts on my side when it happened to me and even if I did it was going to be a He said She said deal that would only enrich the lawyers. The fact that your jerk admitted to what he did at least gives him some credit. He could have lied his way through the whole process.