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Just diagnosed with herpes. Seeking advice... need time off?

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Hello All. Thanks for posting all your stories! I've been lurking for 24 hours and it's helped tremendously. :)


Just got diagnosed 2 days ago after having symptoms the day or 2 before that. I've been running through all the same things most people do. One minute I'm in complete despair, the next, I'm telling myself that I'm not gonna let society tell me how to feel about myself. My rational side says that it's a great reason to eat cleaner, manage stress, and weed out unserious partners. The other side feels so... gross. Like I will never be with anyone again. And irresponsible - even though this could happen to anyone anytime they have sex! I'm frustrated that we used condoms and this still happened. I haven't gotten results back yet to find out if it's Type 1 or 2.


I'm trying to think... how would I feel about it if it did not have the "h" label? What if the way people described it was "I get cold sores on my vag from time to time"? Seems less death-sentency, right?


I've been seeing the guy for a lil over a week. I guess it's likely I received it the first time we slept together (after our first real date... I know, just. couldn't. wait.).


I'm not mad at him. At this point, what can I do? It's not that "he gave it to me," it's that "I have it." I really don't think he knew. And when i told him, he was floored, asked a lot of questions and was completely apologetic if it was him. I think he almost took it worse than me that he could be a carrier. He was upset that his last std test would likely not have included this. I tried to keep it matter of fact, but I told him the day I found out, so I was crying.


He was feeling so badly. I said I could never be sure if he gave it to me or if it was dormant in me from a previous person, but he mentioned that the timing pointed to him giving it to me. I also said that if he tests negative (he's getting tested soon), then I would understand if he didn't want to continue seeing me. He hugged me and said "Awwww, it's not that bad!" to make me feel better, but we didn't discuss if we would keep seeing each other.


I'm also wondering what to do now... we weren't in a relationship. We were dating - for a VERY short amount of time. He seemed like a great guy from the several times we hung out, but I'm not deluded enough to think I can gauge long-term compatibility that quickly.


So I'm wondering if i should take time to be by myself and deal with all the craziness in my head (from "I'm a pariah" to "This is a mild, first-world problem"). We haven't discussed whether we'll keep dating, but I'd like to decide exactly what I want, regardless of his plans.


I keep wavering back and forth. I'm usually the one who says "me time" is a good idea. But if I stop seeing him, is that just making h a bigger deal than it is? "Hold on, nice guy with possible relationship potential, lemme go slink into my cave of undesirability for a while because I have this new skin condition... that you probably have, too."


Anyone been in this situation? (At neither end of the one-night stand/relationship spectrum)


P.S. This was written in one of my "it's not that bad" states. Although I am *determined* to be happy, I'm sure I'll be crying on my couch several more times today :)


Sorry this turned into such a novel...

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Dolly, you're fortunate and I'm a bit envious. My "one time, first date" didn't end the way yours did. He sounds like a good guy, and it's quite possible that he didn't know and is in just as much shock and confusion as you are.


Yeah, it can really piss you off when you look at that box of condoms and say "WTF?" Same boat. That alone is enough to make a little angry. Unfortunately, most of us don't realize the Trojan man is about as effective at stopping herpes as Kevin Costner is at making a decent movie. It only happens about half the time.


Take it a day at a time. Your mood will fluctuate for a while with this, and that's normal. I have good days, great days, and days when the sun just won't rise. We all do when we first find out and there's nothing wrong with taking some time for you to come to terms with this and figure out what triggers each mood. When you know those triggers, you know what you have to do to stay positive and keep looking ahead.


As far as the long term potential, well, who knows. If you ask me it's way too early to start picking out China patterns and baby names, but it's never too early to get to know each other and see where this might lead. Who knows? It might be the love of your life. It might be a short fling that changes your life? You'll never know unless you take the chance. Just make sure to strike a balance between "Me time" and "We time."

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Hi Herry! Thanks for writing!!! It definitely does make me mad about how it spreads even with protection!!! And thanks for writing your story - I just read it and I can definitely relate to how you felt with her.


LOL to the China patterns! Hahaha definitely none of that!!!


Thanks for reminding me about one day at a time. I sometimes tend to feel overly responsible for things (oldest child, type A, recovering perfectionist) and I have to remember to just see how things go.


I won't cut off all contact (if he still wants to get to know me). But life is short and I don't want to stress, so I'll just see how I feel each day.


Again, thank you!!!

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Oldest child, Type A, recovering perfectionists are not immune to herpes. I know. I see one every time I looked at my blistering winky in the mirror ;) It's a hard way for us to learn that none of us are perfect.


It definitely doesn't sound like you need to cut off contact. Instead of picking out China patterns, go and pick out ice cream flavors, talk, and get to know each other. You never know. Sounds like he's going through exactly what you are right now, and as strange as it seems, it will reveal everything about his personality that will tell you whether there's real long-term potential and common interests, goals, values, and dreams there or not.


Best of luck!

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Hi Dolly, and welcome!!


I feel like I can relate a lot to your story! After a week of getting back with an ex boyfriend that meant a lot to me I had my first OB days after having sex with him. I freaked and told him I thought it may be H. I wasn't informed about H yet so I panicked when I delivered the news. He has been so supportive and amazing to me. Hasn't allowed this to treat me any different.


As for deciding to take your time or continue to date him. I agree with Herry, take it one day at a time and I believe things will workout just as they should. Having H has caused me to be on a crazy roller coaster of emotions. One day good one day miserable, but if this guy is willing to be supportive and understanding that's definitely a good thing. If things don't work out then you can look at it as a sign to take you time.


You seem to be doing great and have a good outlook on this even if it is just temporary. Thankfully this site is a lot of help, and all of the people on here will be so loving and comforting so you will never be alone. It's great to meet you!!




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LOL Herry. Thanks! Good to know I'm not alone in that... Maybe this will be an exercise in self-forgiveness.


Thanks, Klopz! It's definitely a roller coaster. That's a good way of looking at it... if it doesn't work out, then I'll feel free to be by myself and figure it out.


The guy was really sweet, but I wonder if that was because I was in the room with him and he was in shock. I'm not sure that he'll want to see me anymore, but either way, I'll be fine (maybe sad first) because my own love/acceptance is the most important thing :)


I'm SO glad that this site exists. It's nice to meet you both!



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Hi Dolly!


Welcome to the forum!


I agree with the others - take a day at a time and just see what happens with this guy. What I tell people is that Herpes can become your Wing-man..... you will learn a LOT about people when you disclose to them...and given his reaction when you told him, I'd say he got brownie points for not either trying to blame you or for not running screaming from the room. If nothing else you can support each other as you navigate the testing and results and such.


And perhaps Mr H has been sent to you to teach you patience.... or maybe it's to slow down when it comes to relationships. Most of us on here believe that the (h)Opportunity is one of letting Herpes teach us more about ourselves.. it's a great magnifying glass for our self beliefs and self destructive habits.


Perhaps you can back off the physical side of the relationship for awhile...use this time to get to know him and just see where it goes?




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Hello Dolly,


Welcome to the forum. (: He might have not actually tried to give it to you. You might have had it a lot longer than you thought you did, but don't let your mind over analyze the situation. This could be a good sign! Take it day by day. Don't over think about if he wants to be with you or if he doesn't. I remember doing that so much with my boyfriend and that did not help the situation at all.


Finally I just saw that he wanted to be with me no matter what ! (:

I agree with dancer. Maybe you can be abstinent for a while and get to know each other mentally rather than physically. That is also what my boyfriend and I have been doing and want to continue doing.

H was a life changing experience for me. For a lot of us. For me it made me want to take things slow and do it the right way. Rather than just jump into sex !

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Thanks @WCSDancer2010! I've gained a wingman and magnifying glass all at once! I'm definitely gonna be more patient and move more slowly as far as physical stuff with my next relationship. Though I was getting to a point in my life where I wanted a relationship, I rushed with this person. Now I have internal brakes.


Also, I love working out but my diet could be better, and I'm guessing the h will tell me when I'm not eating right or when I'm stressing too much.


You're so right @victoriaxxx. Thanks for the feedback! I don't want to overanalyze!!! This is a major "learning opportunity" for me. Just gotta go one day at a time (for whoever comes into my life next) :)


Nice to meet you guys :)




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