Second herpes outbreak - all the feelings of depression and worthlessness have rushed back in

[mindisblown]

I was diagnosed in November and had an awful outbreak complete with a nasty bacterial infection and all the mental anguish that comes with accepting you've now got an STD. And I thought I processed it.

 

Once the outbreak cleared up, and the shock passed, I thought, "you know, at the end of the day, its just a pesky skin condition, life goes on", and went back to living my life as usual.

 

Fast forward to two days ago when I got another outbreak. ALL those horrid feelings of worthlessness, despair and depression have rushed back in. I just want to curl up and disappear. It's so hard to feel like this when you know that logically you shouldn't. I don't really feel like there is anyone I can talk to about it. I told a few people when I was diagnosed, and they were supportive, but its different with an outbreak, and with how I'm feeling now.

 

I don't know how to process these feelings, when logically I know I shouldn't be feeling like this.

[HerryTheHerp]

Yeah, it's funny how the blisters and burning can hurt your soul worse than they ding the skin. That's the worst thing about herpes is that the damage it does can't be easily treated with a pill.

 

We can all relate. We've all been right where you are. I visited that place just a couple days ago. Logically, you're right; it's just a skin condition. That's your brain talking. Emotionally though, it's a skin condition that changed your life and that hurts. Those feelings come from the heart. That stings and it's ok to feel that way.

 

In fact, go have a cry. Go have a good, long, sit in the shower for an hour long cry. Don't worry about water ecology because there's a provision in the Clean Water Act that allows for excess water usage during times of severe emotional stress.

 

That's what I do when I go to that place, and about 1/2 way through the shower, I realize that I'm not alone, that 540 million other people have done the same thing, and that we all get out of that shower realizing that hey, it's just a skin condition that settles down as the years pass by.

 

And, you may not feel like it, but you can talk to anyone on this forum about it. We'll listen. We understand the diagnosis and the stress having an outbreak adds to that. It's like salt in the wound, eh? Well, this forum is like salve in that very same wound.

 

Never discount your feelings. Good, bad, joyous, or painful; you should feel however you want to feel. So, you should feel however you feel, and allow those feelings to come out. That's the only way to get through the tough times and get back to living life the way you want to live it.

 

Now, if you're not feeling beautiful, let me just share this little tidbit of farmer's wisdom. Think of herpes as fertilizer. It's shit. It smells awful, looks awful, and feels awful. But, throw some of that fertilizer on the ground, plant a seed in the middle of it, give it some water and some sunlight, and one day a beautiful flower will blossom and grow from it. Your emotions are the water, and your actions are the sun; just let your flower blossom as you rise above the fertilizer.

[abc123]

Hang in there mindisblown. I know it's hard, but you can make it through. And thanks Herry for always making us laugh. Laughter is the best medicine. Hugs, abc123

[WCSDancer2010]

Herry..

 

Love it - it's the week for Blooming Flowers on here .... ;)

 

Mindisblown:

 

This too shall come to pass. Promise. Those of us that are further along can attest to that. You are still in your early days of having the company of our little friend. As with any major life event, it takes more than a few days or weeks to adjust. So be kind to yourself. Cry if you need to. Come on here and rant. Take along shower or run or whatever you need to to release your frustrations. It's all good. And it's all one step closer to acceptance of the situation.

 

(((HUGS)))

[mindisblown]

HerryTheHerp, abc123 and WCSDancer2010, thanks for your reassuring words of kindness and humour.

 

I'm soooooo grateful for this community. Friends and partners are great and supportive, but no one really 'gets' it unless you've been through it. So thanks for the support. xx

[victoriaxxx]

Mindisblown

 

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. It's the truth. This is just another obstacle that you have to go through. It's tough, and it can bring back those thoughts of pain, remorse, unhappiness. I know this. I had my second outbreak recently after a cold.. && I know that I have accepted the fact that I had an STD... but I just started crying, because its like every time you see those little suckers... Even though in your head you already know they are there.. It hits you.. Like " This is not a dream."

[JJsPurplePants]

This is exactly how I feel right now.. I was diagnosed in October, and I certainly did not take it well. Locked myself in my room for 4 straight days, I had an extremely hard time processing my new diagnosis. I have a boyfriend who loves me more than I've ever been loved - all signs point to him giving it to me, but he's never had any symptoms and I've had my fun before so who really knows? I was too busy feeling sorry for myself to place blame on him, plus I don't know what I would have done with myself without him - the depression following the diagnosis was unbearable.

 

My initial outbreak was so unbearably painful and embarrassing, I had to pee in a bowl of cool water - which hurt my ego but man was it a game changer. My doctor says a lot of people get dehydrated because peeing is so painful they refuse to drink water, and I completely understand.

 

After the symptoms went away, I was back at life full force - this virus won't define me, I have a bright future blah blah blah...

 

Then, speaking of bright futures, I received an opportunity to show some of my work to some very important people. Career opportunity of a lifetime for a 24 yr old designer. I worked my butt off last week, and with the work came stress, and with the stress.... My second outbreak.

 

I spiraled into a lethargic depression, and I'm trying to pull myself out of it right now. It's so easy to return to all the depressed thoughts of sadness and embarrassment. Tomorrow I get on a plane to show my work off, and I want to be my happy bubbly self. It's so important that these people like me, I need to be at 100%. I just want to shake this off and smile - I don't want this to hold me back, but I also have a really hard time holding back tears. I am just very sensitive.

 

Logically I know I've worked way too hard to let this hold me back right now, but I'm really not looking forward to the long plane ride with an outbreak. And I don't want my pale, sad face to give the other designers the wrong impression. I'm usually a very vibrant, silly, and generally happy go lucky person - I wish I would just stop crying.

[WCSDancer2010]

JJsPurplePants

 

First.... (((HUGS))) and welcome!

 

I gotta say, I totally feel ya on the long plane ride. I'd put a non-stick pad (like you use for periods) in your pants to help keep things from drying out on the undies. Learned THAT lesson a long time ago! Maybe put something like an antibacterial gel/salve on it right before you board the plane so it doesn't stick. You can dry it up later when you get there. And COTTON undies and loose clothing my friend... ;)

 

So here is the deal. Herpes WILL make you stronger.... and this is your first hurdle. They know nothing of your H status and to be honest, they dont care . Many people in the design industry have HIV ferchrissakes.... AMAZING designers. So don't let that even BEGIN to enter your thoughts.

 

Do you have any supressant drugs like Acyclovir? If not, call your Dr and get a script called in to your closest pharmacy and get on it so you can knock it down asap. Lovely Epsom Salts bath tonite (put a couple handfulls right between your legs after you get into the tub.) .. Also in the morning if you have time. Take some with you if you can and hop in the tub at the hotel as soon as you get there and in the morning.

 

And BREATHE! The thing is, we ALL have stress.... it's how you manage it that counts. If you obsess about the Herpes you just make it worse. Focus on the job at hand, manage the H as best as you can (maybe take a numbing gel .. like Anbesol .. with you if you can get one at the store too). And one thing I wondered about trying... (it won't hurt) is one of the "cold sore" things they have out there like the Oragel Instant pain relief for cold sores. Supposedly knocks cold sores right out... *should* work down there too I hope!

 

And again... BREATHE. Take that long epsom salts bath and try to just get your head into the game at hand... getting that contract!

 

(((HUGS))) and Good luck

[mindisblown]

JJJsPurplePants - you're not alone honey, I know exactly how you feel. While logically you think "I shouldn't feel this way", the shame, shock and negativity is still there. But like everyone has said, especially WCSDancer2010, its how we manage it that counts.

 

I'm sure you're going to do an amazing job with your presentation. Try to relax and realise at the end of the day.... just a skin condition.

 

Thanks Victoriaxxx for your comments :-) This community is the best. I'd be lost without it right now.

[HerryTheHerp]

Women in purple pants are not afraid of anything. Purple is a royal color, and you are still the queen you were before the blisters invaded your beltline. Show those blisters that if they want to live in your kingdom, they're going to be your loyal subjects...or else you're going to unleash Prince Valtrex to deal with them.

 

Deal with the pain, the tenderness, and the discomfort as best you can. There are some great suggestions on here in that regard. And, remember, no one in that room can see the blisters. You're not wearing a purple h on your shirt. And, remember that statistically, 1 in 4 women, and 1 in 6 men wear the same scar where no one else can see it. That scar doesn't change who you are, what you're capable of, and the quality of your work. If you think it does, remember Keats, Beethoven, Gauguin, Van Gogh, Howard Hughes, and Toulouse LaTrect all had syphilis; and they still managed to leave some fairly memorable marks on this world.

 

You have a choice: You can think of yourself as a 24-year old with a lifelong and occasionally blistery companion. Or...

 

You can think of yourself as a bright, attractive, and in demand designer with a brilliant future ahead of you.

 

It's an easy choice if you ask me.

 

 

[Sab123]

I definitely can relate to all of you and that feeling I have yet to have a second outbreak that I know of but I'm so scared of having another everytime I feel a symptom I freak out and automatically think it's That and I get down right now I'm feeling like this but I'm trying to stay calm cuz all the other times were false alarms it sucks honestly but I must say when I don't feel like this I feel great it suck an emotional roller coaster I keep hoping it will never come back but who coul be so lucky good luck on your interview JJ and god bless and good luck to the rest stay strong

[JJsPurplePants]

Wow! Such kind words from everyone! I cannot get over how much better y'all made me feel.

 

@wcsdancer2010 - you are right! H is no excuse, and while the plane ride did suck I am now sitting in my Cali hotel room going over my presentation tomorrow. I got my nails done so I can feel pretty and confident tomorrow and I'm excited to have such a great distraction going on - it would've been terrible to miss out on this. What a waste to sit at home and feel sad when right now the weather is 85 here! (Awesome.)

 

@mindisblown - I think my initial depression was mostly fear that this second outbreak would be as bad as the initial outbreak, which is so not the case. My initial outbreak was the worst thing I've ever been through, and this is just like 5 blisters on one side.... cake compared to last time. The first 2 days of my second outbreak I was freaking out over what it COULD be, not what it was.

 

@herrytheherp - you are hilarious :) thank you for the laughs! It had been a few days since I laughed out loud. I will wear my purple pants with pride tomorrow. ;)

 

@sab123 - I've heard this a few times, and I can attest, if you're prepared the second outbreak doesn't compare to the first, so try your best not to freak out. It'll be ok :)

 

I don't know if I would be sitting in Cali right now if I hadn't found this community yesterday. Thanks so much for the love and support xoxoxo

[WCSDancer2010]

I was freaking out over what it COULD be, not what it was.

 

Great life lesson right there.... ;)

 

Cheering you on tomorrow!Good luck :)

[victoriaxxx]

((:

 

After you learn what it is, it seems to settle better in your head. At least it did for me. I got more peace with knowing what was going on inside of me.

[WCSDancer2010]

In JJ's case, the "What's so" at that time was she was having her second OutBreak. Pure and simple. However, she projected that it would be as bad as the first ... and it turned out to not be that bad, but look at all the wasted energy worrying about what *might* happen for 2 whole days???? That freaking out was probably 10 times harder on her body than the actual outbreak.

 

Next time you freak out, stop yourself and ask "What is the truth of what is happening right now?" ... ie, cut it down to it's simplest form. In JJ's case, the truth was she was having another outbreak. At the time, it was just that. So if she had stopped herself, accepted that, she could have saved herself a LOT of anxiety. If it DID get worse and was as bad as the first one, well, deal with that bridge when you get to it. But freaking out for 2 days isn't going to help, is it?

 

"What's So" is a practice that will change your life. It takes time to learn to use it and to turn to it as soon as you start to hit freak-out mode, but over time it becomes your mantra. When it does, life gets a LOT more peaceful :)

 

(((HUGS)))

 

 

[JJsPurplePants]

My emotions were definitely exaggerating the situation, and I'm sure the stress I was causing myself by imagining what might happen was harder on my body than the OB

 

So much wasted anxiety, I cannot believe I considered canceling the trip! It's amazing here! And my meeting went well I think! I was a very small fish in a large pond, so I hope I made a good impression B)

 

I'm a sensitive person so I'm sure I'll have a few more freak outs, but this whole situation has really made me stronger. No one in that room knew what I had going on in my pants, they just saw my drawings and my smiles :)

[HerryTheHerp]

Way to go! Remember, all the big fish in the pond started out as little fish in the pond.

[WCSDancer2010]

YAY!

 

So just think - when you find you have a deadline and things are not going your way, you can remember this experience and you will know to take the problem to it's simplest part and then work with what you've got and, as Tim Gunn would say.. "Make it Work!" ...

 

Such a great life lesson!