I am NOT defective, I am NOT a lemon...I just have some minor wear and tear!!!

[lucky1]

Hello Everyone,

 

I am new here. Just joined today and to be honest, I couldn't have found this site and all of you at a better time. I am in the midst of an outbreak (the first in about a year), I am dating someone (who doesn't know about the H), and feeling the poor me's once again.

 

Since I plan on spending some time here to hopefully heal from some very old and deep wounds, I thought I would share with you all my story so you can "know" me as much as possible in this virtual environment.

 

I got HSV2 Genital at the age of 19 while living in Las Vegas (I am now living in Minnesota). I was young, careless and made a one night mistake that has forever changed my life.

 

I met my first real boyfriend after that at the age of 20. I was so scared to death of having this disease, I didn't tell him until long after I knew he already loved me and we had been intimate. He was disgusted and very, very angry at me. Understandably so, I took away his right to know and put him at risk. That said, he chose to stay with me. Almost as though he was forced to and wanted to punish me for not telling him. Unfortunately, the anger, disgust and mistrust he felt set the tone for the rest of our 16 year relationship. We had two beautiful children together, now ages 10 and 14. They were both delivered naturally and are without the virus. Our sex life was always under a black cloud because if things weren't good and he wasn't happy that week, month or day, he would remind me of my disease and how he hated it and it/I grossed him out, etc. I constantly felt like damaged goods. I had to learn how to take care of his sexual needs other ways because he didn't want to risk being with me, even with protection, if I wasn't going to be good enough for him forever. Over the years, I became very good at knowing when an OB was coming and I knew to stay far away from him. All in all, the stress of my marriage took a toll on me and I got more and more OBs even with suppressive therapy while I was with him.

 

Finally, four years ago, after abuse that caused me to call the police, I left him and have since been divorced a year a half. It took me that long to really, really be free. I was so very stuck mainly because this disease was always in the back of my mind. Living with him seemed easier than telling another person. Of course, I stayed way too long because I thought (and he told me) no one else would want me. I feared the reality of having to tell other partners and realizing more rejection, etc. However, my daughters were starting to witness his abuse and I had no other choice. I actually decided I would rather live alone with my Herpes than be abused by him for the rest of my life.

 

It is important to note that after 16 years with my ex-husband and many, many unprotected times of both forms of sex, he never got it. I was always on Acyclovir pills, always very, very careful and he immediately washed himself afterward every time no matter what. Note - he would have unprotected sex with me when he was happy with me or our relationship, otherwise, it was the alternative. Also, I now get an outbreak only in very stressful times. Since my life is so calm and peaceful now that I am away from him, I have only had 6 outbreaks in the last four years.

 

So here I am...38 years old and back in the dating scene. I get asked out often but I fear letting anyone get too close or anything get too serious because they don't really KNOW me. They don't know that I have this secret I would eventually have to tell them. Just like other women, I have needs and occasionally do have "protected" sex with people I meet or go out with, but I would only do that with people I know aren't looking for anything long term or who I am not that interested in. I fear having to tell them. I figure if we have protected sex once or twice or even occasionally, when I do not have OB or am even shedding, I am safe.

 

I have told two people that were understanding (though that I didn't end up liking) and at least five that ran away immediately, breaking my heart and making me swear off dating for the rest of my life. :) Not really, I am still trying to find someone that accepts me and ALL of me and loves me for it.

 

Now for the reason I am here...I want to be able to hear your stories, share my experiences, get advice, give advice, find friends that also have the H word. I finally want to be able to look in the mirror and love myself....all of me, even the me that has Herpes, an incurable, contagious skin condition (I love this definition by the way). :)

[bookworm21]

Hello!

 

Welcome to the forum. You will find some really amazing people on here. They have helped me so much lately. I just had a very successful discloser thanks to that description, and the ability to fully accept myself after talking to people on here. I look forward to hearing your stories and opinions as well :)

[victoriaxxx]

Well hello there. (:

I am Victoria (Megan). It is nice to meet you. This is a great place and I am extremely glad I found it. I have only been on here for about a month now, but I have known that I have had HSV-2 for 2 months. I suspect that I have had it longer !

 

I love that you are fully open about your life and the situations you have been through. It gives me some input on what could and could not happen. Not that I want to base my life off someone elses. I am with a guy who has known since I found out. He is extremely supportive of me, and he helps my find out about as much info as he finds out. I let him know everything I found out. I am so glad that I have had him, because in the two months he has helped me grow so much and not get scared of these little buggers ! (:

 

I can't wait to hear your advice... and help you and have you help me. (:

 

Welcome !

[HerryTheHerp]

Hi Osolucky,

 

Welcome to the forum and I hope you can begin the healing process. I truly do. Your story is sad on many levels and no one deserves to be made to feel worthless or less human because of this virus. Your ex is not the type of person that any man should aspire to be. As the child of an abusive marriage, your story resonates with me and many of us here.

 

This is a place of healing and there are some amazing people here. We're all walking the same journey. Hopefully we can help make that journey a little bit easier for you.

[WCSDancer2010]

Osolucky1

 

Hello and Welcome! Glad you found us!

 

Like you, I got Herpes at a young age (first sexual experience, actually) and I've had it for 35 years (more if you include HSV1 oral since age 3). I got married, not knowing what that "rash" was, and gave it to my husband. Fortunately for me, he was understanding and never once blamed me.

 

I'm sorry your ex-husband was such a jerk. To stay with you to punish you (especially as he never got it so it's not like he felt he had to stay because noone would want him) says to me that he had an underlying control/anger issue. There is no excuse for emotional/verbal abuse for ANY reason. I'm glad you got away from that - for both yourself and your girls.

 

So I'm going to warn you that I am known for my "tough love" approach before my next comment. I'm not passing judgement but it's something I think needs to be said up front.

 

I'm very concerned by this this comment:

 

Just like other women, I have needs and occasionally do have "protected" sex with people I meet or go out with, but I would only do that with people I know aren't looking for anything long term or who I am not that interested in. I fear having to tell them. I figure if we have protected sex once or twice or even occasionally, when I do not have OB or am even shedding, I am safe.

 

I get it - you got away with it for 16 years without your ex getting Herpes (and BTW, are you sure he is H-? Because he could be carrying it without ever having had an outbreak and regular STD testing won't include Herpes)

 

Sure, you may know when you have an OB coming...but do you know/understand about asymptomatic shedding? ( *I* didn't really know exactly what that meant myself until post-divorce about 6 or 7 years ago ) Do you understand that you *could* pass this on to someone without ANY symptoms? Even with a condom? Yes, you are on suppressive therapy and I hope you are using condoms (given that you are likely not trading your STD results beforehand...THEY could be carrying something else) but there IS still a chance (small - about 1-2%) that you could pass this on to someone with meds and condoms. I get it that you have "needs" but it's still no excuse to not disclose AND you can still have casual sex with disclosure

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2056/semi-success-i-dont-know-just-read-it-#Item_19

 

The fact that you are still having sex with guys without disclosing after your experience really worries me. My feeling is that you are still dealing with some psychological issues from your marriage that you may need some professional help with .... you lived with some major abuse and 1 1/2 years is likely not enough to have processed it all.

 

I have told.......at least five that ran away immediately, breaking my heart and making me swear off dating for the rest of my life.

 

I hear ya - BUT, what I tell people is that Herpes can be your Wing-man...you will quickly find the people who are probably not the ones you want in your life by the way they react when you disclose. I have come completely out of the Herpes closet ... and as part of that I decided to completely disclose on my dating site profiles... and believe it or not, I have plenty of H- guys contacting me! Most say they are so impressed with my honesty that they want to get to know me better. Now, THAT is the kind of guy I want in my life :)

 

I suggest you look at these posts about successful disclosures .... we have had a whole bunch on here recently. It helps to read how others explain their situation to their partners.... and to see that it IS possible to date an H- partner and find one who loves you...warts/lumps/bumps/blisters/ and all :)

 

Peace :)

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2384/successful-herpes-disclosure#Item_2 Bookworm_21

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2386/ive-been-gone-for-too-long

klopz

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2390/update-on-my-for-my-h-opp-peeps#Item_2 nic4897

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2162/a-bit-about-me-and-my-successful-herpes-disclosures

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2022/successful-herpes-disclosure-thanks-to-this-site#Item_7

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1793/i-did-it-i-had-the-herpes-talk#Item_7

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2166/first-herpes-disclosure-tonight-so-nervous-#Item_16

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2229/self-sabotage-i-seriously-need-to-put-my-brain-on-pause-lol

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2302/disclosed-herpes-to-someone-i-didnt-even-really-know-totally-inspiration

 

[lucky1]

Dancer,

 

Thank you for your comments. I am now abstaining from all sex with anyone actually and am well aware of the risk I put my previous partners in. As you said, I was dealing with many psychological issues from my past and in many ways, was being very, very selfish and destructive. Trust me when I say there are many nights I laid awake praying for God to forgive me for what I did. I should also say that I did go back to several people and told them the truth after the fact when I felt led to. All of them were understandably upset, however, we have remained friends and they have been tested and were all negative.

 

As far as my husband goes, he is definitely negative. After our last sexual encounter, he made it a point to get tested and confirm how I did NOT ruin his life like I ruined my own.

 

I am and have been in therapy weekly for over a year and have come a very long way to healing from my past. Honestly, accepting the effects of this disease as I take a new dating approach is one of the reasons I am here.

 

I appreciate your tough love approach and I certainly understand your concerns regarding my and, most likely, other people's posts. However, I didn't come here to be scolded for the mistakes I have made in my past or will likely make in the future. I have spent 20 years reading everything I could read about this disease, learning my own body very well and I clearly understand how I was in denial about everything I knew and know to be true about Herpes.

 

I am hoping this forum is a safe place to land when I am hurting, when I make a bad decision or when I need a shoulder to lean on. I plan to be a safe, kind, respectful and loving place for others to land as well....even if they make mistakes. After all, one mistake, one bad night is how I got on this site.

[WCSDancer2010]

Osolucky1

 

First - I want to be clear I wasn't scolding you. I wanted to make sure you understood the ramifications of asymtomatic shedding (so many people do not really understand what that means and how it affects transmission) and make sure you were getting help (which I am glad to hear you are) because so many people will try to just "move on" and forget that they have a lot of wounds to heal. Again, as I said in my warning, there was no judgement - just trying to make sure that you knew the facts so you could make informed choices about your behavior. As you said, you were in denial but it wasn't clear that you had since changed your behavior and let those folks know of your H+ status so they could get tested.

 

We are all here because of one "mistake" ... one error of judgement... one lie. However, the way to removing the stigma is to get the facts out there, so people can make better judgments about things and in my experience, many Doctors are handing out bad information (never mind the internet). So all I was doing was making sure you were informed. It's all good.... we make mistakes, we learn from them, sometimes we have to clean up a mess that we made, and we move on. We are all human beings, being human.... :)

 

I hope you read some of the links I put there - we have had a LOT of success on here lately with disclosures so I hope that will help your confidence with getting back into the dating pool......

 

(((HUGS)))

[lucky1]

Thank you Dancer. I appreciate you following up. You are so right about the misinformation. Reading the internet and the various sites that have information about Herpes, I am not surprised there is a stigma as it relates to having or passing on this disease. Not to mention someone that is informed by a partner they have it...UGH scary if they just went straight to the internet.

 

I have read many of the links you and Adrial have provided. This is an excellent, excellent resource. I am even going to bring the printouts with me when I disclose tomorrow. I hope it goes well...but like you say...a great wingman to weed out those guys that aren't worth my time anyway!!

 

Take care...