Turning Point or Incoherant Ramblings?

[SERS]

It's been a long time since I wrote a post on here. This is only my second I know.

I have to say before I start anything that although I have not posted a lot, I cannot tell you how supported I feel just knowing that this forum is here. To know that at any time I can hop on here and talk to other people feeling the same way I am, it really REALLY helps. I have been trying to deal with all of this but I think I am just getting myself twisted and more messed up over it. But as I said knowing that this place is here truly is the best reminder that I am not alone and that this really isn't the biggest deal in the world (I THINK??) So Thank You.

 

I have been thinking about all of this a lot. And I think the first thing that comes to my head when I do is the overwhelming mix of emotions that it evokes. I literally don't have enough words to express it. I bounce from a 'Fuck-it, I'm still special, it's not all about the H' attitude to a 'Oh my god No one will love me, I'm going to be alone for ever' one. Doing this 20 times a day can get a little frustrating not to mention tiresome and stressful. I can't tell if being able to have these 'up' moments is a positive or not. I know it sounds that way, but sometimes it makes me worry that I am not dealing with it properly or just trying to ignore it. Either way it has been on my mind a lot.

I think that because I am doing so many new and exciting things, I have pushed it to the back of my mind, I have to, I will not let this virus destroy the opportunities I have in front of me. I can't, I would be a fool to let it. But then how do I deal with my emotions that are connected to it?

Well, if I'm honest, the things that have been helping me, are, reading about it, learning more facts and figures about this thing, Listening to positive music that reinforces my goals, and to be honest doing a lot (and I mean A LOT) of thinking. Here's the way I see it.

I came out here to change myself. Honestly I did. That might sound terrible, I don't know, but I wasn't happy with who I was. I didn't like me, and I didn't see how anyone else could either. I thought that moving to another country on my own would force me to change, to adapt, to learn, to grow, to evolve mentally and emotionally into someone that I wanted the world to see, someone that I could be proud of. I am not there. At all. But I see differences now, I see changes in my attitude towards things, my positivity now outweighs my negativity 60-40, which is something I have never had. Anyway my point is that I believe this has come into play since my diagnosis. I cannot tell you how and why this happened, it certainly wasn't a conscious thing, but I believe that is has to be a part of it (I should really give some credit to the whole moving halfway across the world thing as well, just to be fair) But I think that having to grow up and deal with this responsibly has awakened me to the reality that life goes on regardless and would I rather waste it crying about how I might be alone forever, or should I go out and kick arse and do all the things I've been dreaming of doing for years.

I think we all know the answer.

This is not to say that I don't cry, and shake and feel sick, and want to curl up and hide from the world when I think about it, cos I do, I really really do, I just won't let my mind be swayed by that thought, I have to be stronger and I have to deal with it and figure it out because I will not squander the opportunities that I have.

 

The one thing that gets me every time if I delve too deep into that emotional blender is the L bomb. Love has and I think always will be a very important part of my life (sounds ridiculous I know - isn't it to everybody?) but I have always placed to high an importance on romantic relationships, I know that, it is something that I have been aware of for a long time and for almost as long have been trying to curb. However this recent discovery has lead me to think about that more severely. Through this development, I think its the thing that hits you first (well in my case anyway)

 

No one will ever love me. I have an STD. I will be alone forever. I will never have sex again. I will never find someone that is ok with this. Life over.

 

All of the shame and the embarrassment came later, but my mind went straight to love. to sharing mind, body and soul with someone you want to be with, and who has chosen you in return. This really hit me hard. I love being in love and everything that surrounds it. I thought that this diagnosis proved the one thing that I had recently figured out, that the chances of me pre diagnosis ending up alone were ridiculously low. Of all the people out there in the world, there would of course be someone that matches me (not that I believe in soul mates but the chances are miniscule that I would end up alone - look at the sheer size of this planet) Post-Diagnosis me is a lot more cynical and chastises herself for being so god-damn audacious and expectant, however realistically the odds really haven't changed that much. My perception of them had.

 

But these last few weeks I have been trying to shelve love. I have been trying to put it away, in a box, on a shelf somewhere at the back of mind. Instead of letting the idea of love rule me and my thoughts, I am trying something new. I am forgetting about it. I am quitting the search. And i see this as infinitely positive. I need to focus on me, I need to care about me, I need my life to not be about love any more. I want it to be about freedom, and passion and creativity, not constantly searching for love and validation. This is hard, of course, switching off that part of your brain that has been active for so long, but I truly believe that i will get there and it will be so freeing to not worry, to be happy with myself. because after that it will get tricky and hard and dark at times, the 'disclosure talk' quite frankly scares the crap out of me, however hopefully I will be strong enough to know that it is not me and this virus that is the issue.

 

I don't know if this post makes sense, I feel I have had just had a terrible bout of verbal (well written) diarrhoea that is at the same time both truthful and contradictory but nonetheless that's pretty much how my head works.

 

It's something to think about anyway - in case you didn't have enough already.

 

X

[Aerial2013]

SERS, WOW! Thank you for such honesty! It's a privilege to be among the community that get to read your most personal thoughts on this journey.

 

"I will not let this virus destroy the opportunities I have in front of me"...well said.

For me, H IS the opportunity. It has given me so many opportunities, I don't know where to begin. The opportunity to forgive myself or continue living a life of shame...care for and protect myself or continue leaving myself off of my "to do" list...LOVE myself or loathe myself.

 

I've learned SO much that was always going on in my life, I just never saw it until I picked up a sort of lens called Herpes.

 

As far as love...I don't how things will go for you. But I can share that when the light bulb finally went off for me that I AM important. I AM valuable. I AM loveable...Only then did I begin to attract the kind of positive, loving people I always wanted in my life. I never understood why I didn't naturally attract such people...well, I believe now it was because I never felt that way about MYSELF! Learning to love ourselves is the BEST way can "gift" our future partners with a love we actually understand!

 

Best Wishes, and THANK YOU for being SO open and vulnerable here!

[lelani]

Wow from me too! Oh god I remember that turmoil but I can tell you if you focus on yourself and really living...not in the context of a romantic relationship (and I think you are kind of in that glorious stage :-)!)...

 

"I need to focus on me, I need to care about me, I need my life to not be about love any more. I want it to be about freedom, and passion and creativity, not constantly searching for love and validation. This is hard, of course, switching off that part of your brain that has been active for so long, but I truly believe that i will get there and it will be so freeing to not worry, to be happy with myself. "

 

Yup ..we have to be happy with ourselves. And one of the gifts of H is that it makes us look at how we search for love and validation - its actually quite draining and when we loose it we feel lonely and isolated. Once we are free to love ourselves and express our passion and creativity JUST FOR US...we don't feel lonely and we don't choose the wrong people to love.

 

Your life will be totally about love...for yourself...for your friends and family...for the things you love doing and how you love being. And you know what...the right person comes along then...we attract them..and they don't show up before then. How do I know? I've been there...I've done the work...I know how hard it is but now I also know the rewards.

 

I have created a great life...with great friends and now I have an amazing man. He didn't turn up until I was over my pity party and learned to love myself and be happy being unattached.

 

So use this time to create the life you want...the right person for you will be in amongst it :-) and H won't matter a bit :-)

[WCSDancer2010]

I need to focus on me, I need to care about me, I need my life to not be about love any more.

 

Ahhhh - but grasshopper, it is ALL about love .... BUT the person you have to fall in love with first is YOURSELF :)

 

You are pretty good at beating yourself up, aren't you?

 

AND, I commend you for stepping out of your comfort zone and putting yourself into a situation where you are forcing yourself to take on new challenges that will make you grow and become a better person!

 

positivity now outweighs my negativity 60-40, which is something I have never had.

 

Hey! That's better than a lot of people I know. So do you have any strategies to improve those numbers? I have 2 things I suggest to people who are working on removing negative thinking.

 

1) Remove the word "should" from your vocabulary. Try it on. As soon as you say something *should* happen or someone *should* behave a certain way, you are setting yourself up for a fall. You are attaching to an outcome of a situation or a behavior in another (who you have no control over). That's the simplest way I can say it - if you need more clarification on this, just ask :)

 

2) Try to go through one whole day without complaining. About ANYTHING. Notice how often you start to complain about the stupidest little things, never mind the big things. It's a great exercise. If you think it's a fit for you, work on one day a week without complaints, then tow, and so on. It won't take long before you find yourself not wanting to complain because you will see how negatively it's been impacting you.

 

When I put these two things into my life, I had a whole shift of how I perceived and lived in the world. In fact, you may get a great by-product... you may find that you are starting to fall in love with yourself... once that negativity is gone, the space is open in your heart for self love :)

 

Good work!!!!

 

(((HUGS)))

[victoriaxxx]

I wil reply back to this in the morning. I cant stay awake

[SERS]

Hi All!

First off I just want to say im sorry for not replying sooner, but most importantly a big thank you to everyone for their responses.

They truly mean the world to me and have really helped me the last couple of days.

A lot of you have said that it is a really personal post, I however didn't see that. At the time of writing I think more than anything I needed to get what was in my head written down, and pressing the post button was like accepting that that was the way I felt. I almost completely forgot that after hitting that button it was posted onto the internet for anyone to see. It wasn't until I read it back that I realised how personal it actually was. I said a lot of things in there that no ones knows, and that I had not even admitted to myself. I think I needed to have them written down in order to clear my head so I could actually think about them.

Anyway this isn't another post, this is a thank you. To all of you. I cannot tell you how much it meant to get responses and so quickly! A lot of your replies it seems where letting me know that I'm on the right track, and in fact understanding that feeling this way leads me onto the path that perhaps I am meant to be on, and that I am coming closer to accepting this is who I am, even outside of Herpes.

I really really really thank you for this.

 

I have had the worst couple of days and have spent them mostly in bed with a bottle of gin trying to figure this all out. It comes in waves, and yesterday was the worst I have been in a long time. Almost reverting back to old habits that I know are not positive, but that are comforting and familiar. Either way I know this journey is not going to be easy, I just really need some answers, but the worst part is I don't even know how to phrase the question. This is all made ten times more maddening and confusing when, guess what! I met a guy! I know, how incredibly hypocritical of me. We've only been on a couple of dates but he invited me round for dinner yesterday and I freaked. I totally freaked, at the idea of having the conversation and of the reality that it truly meant. its one thing to go over it in your head, how you would say it, different versions of their responses but to actually put it into reality and sit down and say it. I couldn't I totally broke.

Today I am calmer and more aware, but still have these feelings. I don't really know where I am again. I thought I was understanding and getting to grips with it all, and then it all falls apart again and I have to start all over. I jut don't know what to do.

 

The most important part of this, however, is to say thank you for your overwhelming support, as long as I have responses like this, and such truthful and admirable advice I will continue to write the truest accounts of how I am dealing with all this.

Thank you, as ever, for reading.

 

X

[WCSDancer2010]

First - congrats on the guy... Take it one day at a time my friend and enjoy the ride :)

 

So here's some thoughts on confusion:

 

We're taught to be ashamed of confusion, anger, fear and sadness, and to me they're of equal value to happiness, excitement and inspiration.

Alanis Morissette

 

Times of great calamity and confusion have been productive for the greatest minds. The purest ore is produced from the hottest furnace. The brightest thunder-bolt is elicited from the darkest storm.

Charles Caleb Colton

 

You are exactly where you should be.....take comfort in that. Sometimes you have to go through rough seas to get to calmer, stabler waters :)

 

((HUGS)))