A Down Moment

[Aimee (previously baffled1]

You know i just dont want to cry anymore, be hurt anymore, be mad anymore, and trying to figure out what in my life that U have done so wrong. What kind of all loving God has this as his plan for a good person like me and makes horriblr prople like my ex.?

As I lay here in tears, trying to work through all this. All i can think anout is my pos of an ex who debilrately gave my HSV 2 is carrying on with his sex life like nothing has happened and in the same mannor as he did before.Yet here I am. Stripped of a normal life/sexlife, not even sure sex wull ever be an option for me again . Due to the otjer vulva issues caused by HSV 2 in my case. How right is that? Im a good, honest, loving, loyal, faithful person to my family, friends, and to my partner if i have one. My ex is a worthless, abusive, pos who couldnt be faithful to anyone his whole if his life and/or his sons' life depended on it. My life is ruined and he just keeps sexing on!!

Every step forward feels like 10 steps back now that the answers, complexity, and the full devastating effect/impact what he has done is known to me and my life. then add to that he knew he had hsv 1 and 2, lied about it, knowingly and purposely exposing and infected me to the list. I dont know how i havent had a heart attack stroke, anxiety attack etc. yet.

Everyday i get up go to school, work if i can, put a smile on my face. That smile hides the devastation, distress, and tug of war that exists within me. We all on here have H and all have an H story; the difficulties that come with it... but still feel alone .

[Judith]

Hi Aimee,

 

sorry to hear how bad you feeling , I know it myself I have my ups and downs too ,like everyone who have H. this guy have no deeper connection to his inside ,he only have a connection to his own EGO.....this people will go on and on like that, you cant change them.I hope that his karma will bite him in his ass and he will get next live a little stupid cockroach, he deserve it and we will fly over him like the most beautiful butterfly's and he will wish that he would be one of us..

I know its really hard ,I am in the same position I cant see myself in a relationship because I still get a lot of little tiny outbreaks and I still don't feel I want that closure

But I wane try and what everyone else should try is to find freedom and harmony in his live.

 

I saw today a message of my friend and he said that to be inside freedom is not cheap its priceless. It will cost your world, your attachments your life but it worse it.

The price is that you will pay a lot of pain, spend a lot of time of crying as you do at the moment. Its not easy to come out of that closet , its a process of trying to find self acceptance and to love yourself and actually no I still don't do but I try to work every day on it ,as you should try yourself because Its important to all of us to find ourselves , our deep internal being.

 

It a really long long long stony road , full of tear ,blood and fear but you don't have any way around that and me neither ,if not we lost...if not the only option is to give up and I and I am sure neither wane give up to find freedom in ourselves.

 

I wish you the best, if you ever wane talk let me know.

 

wish you great day, breath breath breath and connect to yourself

 

Judith

 

 

[WCSDancer2010]

Oh Aimee.....

 

I wish I could come over there and give you a (((HUG))) ... but at the same time, I wish I could find some way to help you to LET GO of him and the grip he has over you. I get it how upsetting it is to see him behaving as he does, but honey, you MUST move on. You MUST let go of worrying about what he is doing. Life isn't fair. People can be jerks. It just is what it is. Staying angry at him is like drinking poison and hoping HE will die..... YOU are the one who will end up being harmed from your upset.

 

The one and ONLY thing you might want to do (and I have mixed feelings about this) is to make sure anyone he dates gets informed of how he treated you .... BUT, you have to approach them from a place of love and concern for their health and NOT from a place of getting back at him. I'm not sure you can do that right now, but if you can get yourself to that place, then it could be very healing for you to be there to support anyone who he may have infected....but you MUST let go of the hate and the anger first or this will just add fuel to the fire.

 

And you WILL find someone to love you, even with all the stuff you are dealing with...BUT, they won't come into your life while you carry this anger...and you don't want them to either. Yet another great reason to LET IT GO!

 

(((HUGS))) my friend. I hope you feel better soon

[beachluvr]

Aimee

 

Hello. I'm sorry you're in a bad place. Please don't allow his behavior/antics to bring you down and upset you so much. Your health and well being are much more important than him. You're a good person. Put away the tissues, lift your chin up, hold your head up high and move forward. Yes, it's going to be a bumpy road but everyone says it gets better in time. We all have our ups/downs with this. Allow positive people in your life who can help you through this. We are all here for you; some of us new, some have been dealing with this much longer and are a wealth of knowledge. We are all in the same boat, so don't ever feel alone. You have a great family here with us. Be proud of who you are, learn about this virus to protect yourself/others, and always be true to yourself. Hang in there!

 

Hugs!!

[Aimee (previously baffled1]

Thanks for all the positive words. They are helpful. I have broke a lot of the unhealthy hold that he has held on me for so long. Thats why when we split up in May 2013, It was permanent unlike in the past; back and forth, back and forth.

Its hard to move forward when I have a daily visible reminder of what he has done. It makes me have to face just how physically miserable I am and have been since the 1st day of symptoms;along with emotional and mentally. Just a note , I had my 1 OB sores present for almost 5 weeks.

I had good knowledge of the virus before him and since he infected more, I feel like i wrote the book on the virus. Because I have done so much research, that is how with the help of my doctors and my "state of denial" that the determination of the issues are caused by hsv virus and that I that Oct night was when he infected me.

Protecting myself and a potiential partner is the easy partner. The hardest part is that it may be difficult if even possible for me to be initmate.

Believes me, I have no problem notifying any of his past, present, and future partners of his hsv status. I already have and I will continue until, he dies.

I know I can't change what he has done to me and nor can I ever come out of the closet. So its about account ability. Which is the reason he and I are going to court. He is not capable of emotions like sympathy, empathy, remorse, etc like normal people are. His sociopathic and narcisistic personality traits don't allow him. Thats the other part of what makes moving forward seem impossible. If he could feel even an ounce of remorse.

[Aimee (previously baffled1]

Judith,

I would love the opportunity to chat with you sometimes.

[Judith]

Sure we do , I wrote you a private message :) talk to you soon