Chasing Closure

[Kilogold]

Hello everyone,

First time post here.

 

First off, I want to say I love and appreciate all the wisdom I have acquired by all the different threads I have read from many of you.

This community genuinely helps my sanity during my diagnosis of HSV2, especially at the inspirational quotes thread (http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/303/who-made-the-mess-and-other-inspirational-quotes-/p1).

 

Today is official test results day, and I believe I acquired HSV2 around November 24, 2013.

I went out for Salsa dancing with a girl I had recently met a few weeks ago then. She seemed really nice and kind. During that night in November, I expressed that I liked her as we were hanging out at her house waiting for some friend who never showed up. We agreed I could spend the night at her place (no sex... but it happened anyhow), and unfortunately it turned out to be a bad decision.

 

I would like to confront her about this for the sake of closure. I have given her no reason to suspect that I have acquired HSV2, nor that I want to event talk to her about that particular subject.

 

After that night, she's been ultra dodgey about any activity/outing I've invited her with or without a group. When she does answer (not frequently), she says she's up for doing "X" activity on "Y" day. When the day comes, she does not answer her phone, text messages, or even chats on Facebook. On the surface we seem to be in cheeful mellow standing, but the fact that she bails on every opportunity not only frustrates me, but solidifies the fact that she might have even known she had the virus when we slept together.

 

She's also going out with someone else, I don't even know if her partner knows about her condition.

 

I'm hoping to confront her in person where there is leverage to reach a conclusion and gauge reaction and/or lies, rather than on a phone or chat where she could simply lie or refuse to respond.

 

I don't want to wait in front of her house like a stalker either.

What would you do in this sort of situation?

I don't really know if I should be seeking this. Deep down, I know it won't change anything (at least regarding the situation between us).

 

Any thoughts could help me be at ease with this frustration.

Thanks in advance.

[HerryTheHerp]

My soul brother! Everyone look, I have a brother!

 

Man, reading your story is like a recap of my night in November just a week before you. Seriously, I could have written what you just wrote word for word. So, here goes. Gonna throw some cold water and throw you a life jacket or two.

 

1. Yeah, bad idea. Happens. Salsa dancing, hot girl, nothing else to do. Don't dwell on that. It'll eat you up.

 

2. Did she know? That's a tough one. Sometimes they do, sometimes they don't. I think mine knew because of the way she's responded over the past few months which is very similar to your gal's behavior. But, again, that could be just age and immaturity. Give her the benefit of the doubt. Don't confront, discuss. Look in her eyes. The eyes can't lie and it's a proven fact. If they dilate, you'll know. But, again, that's just for your benefit. Don't use it as ammo.

 

3. Dodgey? Canceling? Bailing last minute? Oh yeah, she's got a boyfriend and you my friend were fresh meat. Ouch. I know that hurts. Trust me, i'm still wearing bandages from the bite marks I received. Does he know? Absolutely not. Guy to guy, mano a mano, let him know. He's still got a 50/50 chance and has a right to know. Tell him privately. But, do it from a position of helping another guy out, not from a position of revenge. Trust me, I almost walked down that revenge path this weekend in a way that would have made Loki blush. It's a dark road; don't go down it 'cause once you do, it's almost impossible to turn back.

 

3. Now, let's table turn. Are you sure you got it from her? Go through your closet very carefully and make sure you're not pointing the finger at the wrong pair of panties. Herps is a hefty allegation and you want to be 100% before making it.

 

4. What would I do? Well, I took her out for coffee. I told my gal it was important and she reluctantly agreed. It ended about as well as you'd expect. Do it for you though, and let her know the herpes facts you've learned here. All of them. If she doesn't know, she needs to. If she does, she needs to be thinking about how to be careful. Again, don't expect her to hug you at the end of it. She's probably going to pop a cork and be really mad at you (if she knows, some of that anger will actually be guilt, and you'll see that.) Personally, I'm a lousy singer, but I prepared a song..."Doo whop, doo whop, doo whop you gave me Heerrpees." Do what feels right, and do it the way that feels right, and only you will know what that is. Big rule: think carefully before you say anything; each and every sentence needs to be carefully measured and thought out.

 

5. Will it change anything? No. You'll still have herpes. She'll still be indifferent. But, it'll be the first brick in your path towards closure, and it's an important brick because it'll set the tone for how you cope, how you grow, and where you go with this.

 

At the very least, you know your story isn't unique. You're not alone. You're not the first, you won't be the last. Use what you learn to help the next guy in line.

 

 

[WCSDancer2010]

Herry said it all very well... but you may want to have this disclosure handout when you talk to her...facts that can't be disputed...

 

http://bit.ly/h-opp-disclosure-handout

 

Otherwise... welcome and glad to meet you... and let us know how it goes :)

 

(((HUGS)))

[thisisgoingtobeokay (previ]

Shoot, even if she admits it you still may not have closure. I don't. I think closure comes from within ourselves, not someone else. Could even make you feel worse, If she knew and still did it without your consent. Either way, I am sorry she is avoiding a conversation that clearly you want to have. It is frustrating. Been in that boat for about four months now. Welcome to the forums. Maybe she will come around. If not, accept it the best you can and get on being happy.

[WCSDancer2010]

@thisisgoingtobeokay

I think closure comes from within ourselves,

 

Ah yes grasshopper, you are learning :)

 

Closure comes from acceptance. Acceptance comes from letting go of attachment about how something or someone "should" be, how they "should" act, what they "should" say. Get rid of the story you have around him and how you want him to be (in fact, get rid of your story about how he acted when you disclosed to him too.) All of life is a risk - at least, if you LIVE it! Accept that, and you will find closure my friend :)

 

Peace!

[Kilogold]

@HerryTheHerp I guess it's true what they say about you. You ARE one funny guy, haha. Thanks for the tips on disclosure and the helping-another-brother suggestion.

 

@WCSDancer2010 & @thisisgoingtobeokay, thank you for that little piece of closure wisdom. I will be sure to keep it in mind when exploring the motivation to do this.

 

I need time to adjust my life habits to work around my new condition. I have to make some fundamental changes which change my life philosophy as well;

I have to redefine myself in a way I was not particularly interested in living, but as all humans do (as well as many in this community, I'm sure), I will adapt.

 

I may be posting more threads now and then as I'm a newbie in training.

I'm really hoping that I embrace my new form because I genuinely wish it, rather than because I have no other alternative.

 

Thank you everyone

[WCSDancer2010]

Kilogold.... you sound like a wise young man. I am sure you are going to be just fine :)

 

PS - Do you Salsa on 1 or 2? ;)

[Kilogold]

Thanks @WCSDancer2010, such simple words can feel so reassuring right now.

I Salsa on 2 btw, at home here in Puerto Rico, it's a popular standard. :)

[WCSDancer2010]

I finally got a leader here who led "on 2" correctly here and it finally got in my body... sadly most my white male dance friends can only cope with "on 1".... I'm a West Coast Swing Dancer and budding Argentine Tango wanna be who Salsa's ( And Cha Cha's, and Two Steps and and Lindy's, and Hustles and Waltzes, etc Etc Etc) when it's thrown in the mix :)

[PrimordialOoze]

ooo Dancer is really a dancer :)

 

There is no "closure". Even if you do confront the person you think gave you this, you are still left with it. My ex of 15 years (11 of them married) gave me this and I am SURE he has no idea.

 

I'm still dealing with my primary OB and I'm not doing well with it at all! hahaha! So, I just take each feeling one at a time, try not to get too depressed and look on the bright side (is there one? yes, yes yes there is) X~me

[WCSDancer2010]

@PrimordialOoze

 

Going to repeat what i wrote above... because you CAN have closure:

 

Closure comes from acceptance. Acceptance comes from letting go of attachment about how something or someone "should" be, how they "should" act, what they "should" say. Get rid of the story you have around him and how you want him to be (in fact, get rid of your story about how he acted when you disclosed to him too.) All of life is a risk - at least, if you LIVE it! Accept that, and you will find closure my friend

 

He may have no idea. You can't change that. Accept that. Get rid of the story of what he "should" have done. It's done. Can't change it. Yes you are left with it. So the question is, do you live your life in a victim-mode of "Herpes-girl" or do you accept that you are a powerful woman who happens to have a nuisance skin condition (and who is kicking ass in her professional life right now!!)?? If/when you arrive at the latter, you will have closure.

 

I know that is hard to see when you are in your primary OB. But it's there. Ride through the process and one day you will wake up and Herpes will no longer be a source of suffering for you. THAT is closure :)

[PrimordialOoze]

You're absolutely right and I know I will get there eventually ... with you prodding me :P much loves x~ me

[lelani]

All these dancers!! I dance Ceroc and Argentine Tango...would love to learn West Coast Swing but there are no teachers here :-). It has been an interesting and challenging year in which i have really been taught that Herpes is not the worst thing that can happen.

 

I used to dance several nights a week and LOVE dancing, it is my passion and like breathing to me. After I was diagnosed it helped me feel sensual and sexy and to 'forget' about having Herpes and HPV. I could express myself on the dancefloor as sexily as I wanted :-). No worries about having to disclose to anyone while being a sexy woman!

 

Then a couple of years after my diagnosis I injured my foot....and after twelve months of therapy I am only just starting to be able to dance again...a very little bit at time. And because of all my years dancing I have osteoarthritis in my feet...extremely painful and I am only able to manage it, its not going to improve. So I have had to let go of dancing...and my attachment to all the good feelings that it gives me.

 

Just like with H I have had to reevaluate my life...find other things to be passionate about. Have had to accept that my body is stopping me from doing things I love, with men I love. And accept that it is not going to go away. With Herpes I have discomfort occasionally...with arthritis I have pain every day and night. Herpes doesn't stop me from do things I love..arthritis does.

 

So keep dancing everyone...give it all you've got :-). You will all get there...one day you realise that life is going on and you have accepted H as part of it. When you do accept, rather than fighting with how you think your life should be, its like you get back to living again.

 

I am loving reading these posts - you are all funny, intelligent and such good people in the face of fear, shame and just feeling really shitty. Sending you all a hug :-)