A million and one things p10

[Amillionthings]

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[abc123]

All I can say is... I totally relate to every word. I joined this site last Fall. I was diagnosed on Octber 4, 2013. I poured over this site until I was brave enough to post my story. You have me beat....my story was very, very, very long. Many posts. Not sure if you read my dreadful litany of how I got here. My partner was honest with me and told me up front, but I still made the wrong choice of going into a sexual relationship with him. It's my own damn fault. That is what kills me too. So, if you're wondering if anyone can understand you.... I do. very single word you wrote it exactly what I have felt all these months. Some days are better than others, but it is always lingering in my mind. The lying upkeep is exhausting. A friend of mine wants to set me up with a guy friend of hers because she thinks we would be a good match. Just the thought of going on a date and even thinking about telling this secret makes me want to jump of a cliff. How could I tell someone? The pain is too much to bear. Honestly at this point, I just don't see how it will ever happen. So, you and I are exactly alike in that regard. It hurts, I know. If you've been dealing with this for 5 years and it hasn't gotten better, than I'm very scared to think about my future. I too am a very strong person with a great career, a loving family, tons of wonderful friends, a lot of respect in my field, funny, intellegent, compassionate, kind and fun loving. But this--- this has ruined me--has brought me to the edge of despair on many occasions. I'm also just a really good actress and hide my pain and misery very well. Almost too good, because at times I even believe my own lies. Read my story. I'm abc123-- look for: Worst Herpes Story Ever.

Thank you for sharing your story. There are many wonderful people here who are supporting and loving and kind. You will have a lot of encouraging words to help you. We're glad you found us. You're in good company. Many hugs for you....abc123

[Amillionthings]

Hey abc :)

 

thankyou for your reply. I read your story a while back but hadn't joined then. We really are taking it badly hey! :/.....oh dear...I didn't want to upset you or make you worry that you'll feel like this in 5 years!! Hence the warning :/ i just needed to put my feelings and thoughts somewhere!! Really sorry if its upset you!!! :(

 

The same things bother us though, so we aren't alone :)...youve done great to put your story up :) as negative as what ive written is, atleast you know theres someone who feels like you do :)

 

The reason its hit me so hard, especially of late...is because I was in complete denial for such a length of time, I had also resigned myself to the fact that I will always be on my own. Trust me, my acceptance of it is waaaay better than it was, its like this is all coming out now because i was just in denial for soooo long....and i met someone and let them in, which meant i finally had to deal with it. i dont feel ashamed anymore. I hope you dont either, you are clearly an amazing woman who has so much going for you!! :)

 

I managed to get myself to a good place last year and I then I met someone, as you read it brought up so many emotions and the anxiety etc...alot of this was due to not disclosing soon enough and the fact i had to act to be who i used to be which really attracted him and then it all just fell apart

 

But, i did disclose, despite everything its caused me, i somehow found the courage, and he accepted me, it was true happiness, i felt like me, i never thought it would be possible, if i could do it, anyone can! Trust me, if I can do it, you can. When youre ready.

 

I think we sound pretty similar in our personalities or atleast how we viewed ourselves before herpes.... etc, so i think for me, its this feeling of being tainted that kills me, im no longer a catch!

 

I know i need to look after myself, get fit, eat well, focus on my ambitions- but like u say its their lurking in your head!

 

Thankyou for taking your time to read my rant! Really appreciate it.

 

and i know everyone on here just seem so friendly etc big hugs to you too abc :) x

 

 

[thisisgoingtobeokay (previ]

I feel like I just read every thought I have ever had. My own personal journal, it sounds exactly like my life. I was ready too, to meet Mr. Right. About to graduate college, young, vibrant, so full of energy and drive. I'm 23. My heart breaks for you. I want to just hug you. You literally described my life and thoughts I've gone through. I don't know what to say exactly. After reading that, it has kind of set me back. I guess because your life seemed a lot like mine when you got it and the feelings are all so familiar and relatable. Not your fault, I just hate seeing someone has had this for so long and not found love. Just know we are here for you. I'm so sorry. I just hope we can help in some way. I'm still so new to all of this and don't have any dating experience with it yet myself. I just wish I could come and sit with you and talk to you because I just feel so heartbroken after reading this and wish I could help. I know I can't. And that's what sucks. I want to fix it for people, myself included, but we can't. And that hurts me so bad to see you so upset. I know I don't know you, but after reading that I feel like I do. Because you just remind me of myself. Someone will come behind me and give great advice. All I want you to know is you are not alone. You aren't. I'm here and so is everyone else. Big damn hugs to you tonight. I'll send one up for you tonight.

[Amillionthings]

Hey! Ive read lots of your post before i joined and wrote myself....i feel like im communicating with an h opp celeb ;)

 

This is what it is exactly, every thought and feeling....lots of which have been drummed up into the open as ive tried to explain above to my post to abc.

 

yep i was 24, sk we were pretty much in the same points in our lives hey. So i understand alot of what you feel too.

 

Thankyou for your kind words :) i am truly not looking for sympathy, there are people here who were cheated on etc so i cant imagine how they must feel.

 

but i just wanted to get it all out. Maybe ill find love when i start looking after myself and doing tjings i love?? Id like to stay clear of men for a while ? :/

 

oh no...youre a help! Just to see you have taken time out of yoyr day to read my 'assignment' feels good....and bevause you get it, you habe H , you understand, yiu can relate...that why i joined, its good to talk to a friend...but if they dont have it, they just dont get it.

 

Hugs right back to you :) x

 

[ChanelChanel]

I read everything. Thank you for saying the words many of us felt it'd be too "negative" to say. Some times the ugly reality of having H left veiled causes more harm than benefit. With everything in life we are taught to make the best of things, even the worst, but some times you just have to be true with yourself and call it for how you see truly it and many times that can bring you freedom.

 

I contracted it Nov of last year and I was diagnosed on Dec 13th. The day my life changed drastically! Since being diagnosed, I have suffered in silence and isolation. No one understands and I don't expect that anyone will. Herpes is a virus that affects the mind and heart more than anything. And without constant fight it will take you over. Hey, it takes a hell of a fight! Exhausting. It has caused me so much turmoil... I have been fighting daily to find acceptance. To survive the emotional torment, I try to recondition my mind to see it in another light... a better light. Hopefully one day soon it will stick. I try to hold on the things that make me who I am. But I admit that H puts up a damn good fight. It is always on my mind... creeping in every time I seem to forget. The fear. I constantly wonder when am I going to come to COMPLETE terms with this or IF I will ever come to complete terms with this. Not only am I trying to come to terms with this but also regret. The fact that I did this to myself. I can't help but to think about how I don't belong here... and how if I had valued myself more (by choosing a better guy and keeing the condom on) than I wouldn't be. I had every reason not to do what I did. I don't know what takes ahold of me more. But emotional pain unbearable... It wears a hole in my heart... to be filled with anger, envy and bitterness.

 

Having H is no small feat. But I don't want it to get the best of me. To overpower me. In our case, we took a risk. We have to live with it. (And hell, sex is a risk period. Whether you are in a relationship, single, using protection or not.)

 

We are allowed to have these moments where we fuss and shout, but at the end of the day only we can pick ourselves up. Don't be down any longer. You are not alone... I am fighting the same battle with you.

[Amillionthings]

Hey Chanel

 

Thanks for writing....I really was in two minds to post it...because it is so negative but I just believe in truth and honesty. I hope I don't cause upset to anyone here, because this site and forum is full of great people who care, educate and have compassion for others.yes youre right, I just had to sum it up and say it all. I'm a all or nothing kind of girl!

 

Perhaps by me saying it, it will mean others don't have to...but will give them an opportunity to relate to similar thoughts etc.

 

 

The worst thing I did, was avoid it and deny it for so long, I should hace gone to a counsellor or tryed to get help years ago- but I didn't...some doctors/nurses I met made me feel worse , so that didnt help.

 

None of us on here are alone, we all have each other. Which is a good feeling, to know support is there.

 

I really admire your honesty, it means youre not in denial too, youre actually trying to deal with it, which is great. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings :)

 

And youre right, its only ourselves who can pick us up!

 

X

[ChanelChanel]

Yes, I applaud your bravery :) .

 

And yup, in order to accept and heal, you have to acknowledge it all... yah know, bear your truth.

 

Oh, it is so easy to get trapped esp when you don't have much to turn to... many just don't understand. I am glad you found this forum. With everyone's input we will continue to strengthen each other!

 

I hope the best for you is to come!

 

<3<3

[Amillionthings]

Aww thankyou so much :)

 

I hope it is too, and for you.

 

This forum is amazing :)

 

Xx